I HATE MILLIE

"I hate you, damn Millie,
I hate you
Who'd have guessed you'd take the Tony?
Hunter knows youre just a phoney
I'll cut till youre cold and bony!
Damn Millie!
 
I'll rate you, damn Millie,
I'll rate you
I would rate you as D-
Hardly worth the price to see you
Only god could realign us
In this crazy world where you have won!
 
I hate you, damn Millie,
And one day, I'll kill you
Underneath this cold and brutal sun,
In this crazy world where you have won!"

2002 tony awards wins best new debacle
new york, ny, 6/3/2002

what good is sitting alone in a room? plenty, if it means you dont have to see a bad musical. or a bad award ceremony, at that. i cant believe im about to say this after resisting for all this time, but at long last it appears that admit it i must: i love 'the producers'. in fact, my heart _yearns_ for the golden days of such... er... _adequate_ winners for best musical. and as i write that, i cant believe the world has come to this.

as everyone surely knows by now, the 2002 tony for best musical went to... 'thoroughly modern millie'. for those of you asking "who?" (or "what?", or even "where?" -- indeed, its that unknown), it is a nondescript transplant from the screenplay of the same name, brought to the great white way for our theatre-going boredom. even cock-eyed optimists such as myself have been forced to shed this thing called hope, recognizing that this catastrophe surely spells the death toll for the once-famed award ceremony.

fan reaction at the ceremony was violent. "even 'the producers' was better than this crap!" one guest was overheard exclaiming. ok -- perhaps that was yours truly, but nevertheless it was overheard. hopefully. but in all seriousness, i spoke to no less than three random* parties of theatre-goers who all commisserated on the poor choice of best musical, which it was widely felt should have gone to urinetown.** "you could tell from the applause," said one random guest (not me!). "but i saw millie; it wasn't that great. it was flat," said another (still not me!). "millie was just the biggest piece of shit ive ever seen!" said a third (ok, that was me). the real final random guest, a '42nd street' understudy, claimed he had heard so many bad reviews about 'millie' that he didnt go to see it at all -- despite having a free pass from his inside connection.

[* for accuracy, let me clarify that by "three random" i mean "one random, one who i heard badmouthing millie and went to join, and one who heard me badmouthing millie and came to join. but dont be fooled by my own brusque tone in this article -- honestly, these were truly sophisticated theatre-goers who clearly had a depth of knowledge in theatrical history.]

[** from a new york times tony prediction article from late last week, i have extrapolated that my sample size of three out of a few thousand guests qualifies as statistically significant.]

overall, this decision is a disgrace to the industry, and a blow to all the fans and theatre enthusiasts in the world. it is my belief that the american theatre wing, and especially the league of american theatres and producers, have outlived their usefulness. they had their once in a decade chance to reward a truly innovative new show (the last worthy musical was no less than fourteen years ago, 'phantom of the opera' 1988), and instead gave it to a ho-hummer with a barely-entertaining score and a plot that could as easily have been written in the thirties. and dont forget that there was "a raft of lackluster reviews," according to the new york times. there has been absolutely no worse decision since 'miss saigon' lost to 'the will rogers follies' in 1991, and probably further back than that.

but the greatest transgression comes in how the decision came about. apparently 'milie' simply stacked its staff with upwards of fifty producers, to ensure that a serious block of voting members would simply lock the prize in the voting. cant believe that the tony voting rules do not preclude producers from voting for their own productions? believe it. the antiquated rules for tony voting are a disgrace that allows for ludicrous decisions to be made by something as crude and unartistic as politics -- with a capital p and that rhymes with t and that stands for trouble.

the proof of this fact is in the bowl of jello. how many out there believe that the dancing in 'millie' is better than broadway choreography queen susan stroman's in 'oklahoma!'? cant believe the nondescript 20's outfits beat 'into the woods''s ingenious crowd-pleasing cow, on top of other difficulties such as wolves and rapunzel, for best costume? dont worry, urine good company. what if your hinges all are rusting? what if, in fact, youre just disgusting??? forget the razzle dazzle, just hire a boatload of producers!

as i was listening to the songs played during the commercial breaks, it was impossible not to make a comparison with the musicals they represented: the music man. hello dolly! my fair lady. west side story. cabaret. phantom of the opera. fiddler on the roof. a chorus line. lets see by a show of hands how many people think well hear 'forget about the boy' during a commercial break during the 2022 tonys -- if indeed they even manage to survive that long.

ok millie, lets see if we cant beat that 1994 record closing for 'passion'. maybe then at last theatre-goers can put on a happy face.

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