Actually i've shifted to blogger a few weeks ago. There isn't many posts though. Address is http://lohzixu.blogspot.com. I've set it to invite only, so if you do want to read it, drop me a message on msn or even just leave a message on the tagboard since i've migrated the tagboard over (lazy to create a new one la.)

And so i think this is the last post ever on my old geocities blog. Kinda sad but we've all got to move on sooner or later i guess. So.. Seeya around!

It is actually very sad that yahoo is going to shut down geocities soon. I've had this blog for 6.5 years, all the way from 2003 when turtlechelle somehow psychoed me to go set one up too. It has been 254 entries including this. Not a lot actually, since the frequency dwindled down to an entry a month ever since architecture. I stil remember deligently blogging every single day in the first half of the year and how it then became once every few days to become once to a week, and finally to once a month. Heh. I guess this means that i will eventually shift over to using blogger. This blog is quite nostalgic, as it bears quite a lot of memories for me. Not referring only to the content but also to the sheer act of blogging. I remember transcribbing what i physically wrote down in my black notebook back in the good old army days over to here. And that book was super messed up since it went with me almost everywhere in sispec. Haha. Having created all those different templates/skins, I guess i could say thanks to this blog for picking up certain photoshopping skills before entering architecture a. Also picked up HTML thanks to it. Everytime i changed a template i would incoporate several new codes. Although my HTML skills are still really quite basic, but at least i have a general grasp of it which is always useful. It is sad that i will lose this web address permanantly as it has long become a habit to log onto geocities to use wordpad to type out my entry and then uploading it to the geocities server manually.

But there are perks of switching over to blogger i guess. Things are more automated. Dates/times/archiving is automatic. But of course it could be argued that automation breeds laziness. Haha. Posting photos would also be easier with the blogger tools, instead of having to manually lable every single photo and write it out in code. Perhaps the switch would also invigorate me to blog more dilligently which would be a good thing! I would also get to implement a new template, which would be good since its been quite a while, 2 years even that i've stuck with this pure white setup. Things are due for a change anyway.

Change.

I was reading my old entries prior to this, and the past 2 years went by in such a flash that its not only just scary, but disturbing. If you dissect it, you will realize that there was quite a lot of things happening, but the general feeling is that it went by in the blink of an eye. Faster then JC, faster then Army, faster then any other period of my life so far.

It went by so fast, but does that mean that i havent changed much? I detected a marked change in my perception of the world, my perception regarding relationships, soulmates, love, work, life, people. I've become a whole lot more.... how do i put it? Guarded? Maybe thats not the most accurate word. A dash of increased guardedness and a dash of apathy. I know why, but i don't like it particularly. I would embrace it though because it is part of who i am now, and its part of the learning experiences in life.

In a recent convo with turtlechelle (I REALIZE THAT i've called u this for 2 years already HAHAHAHA) where we were talking about memories being part of you, whether given a chance you'll go back in time to change anything. It struck me that the age old maxim about how the tough and the back only serves to make you stronger. Maybe in my case not "stronger" but makes me more wary about certain things, more clearer in seeing, understanding life's intricacies.

There is one thing that i don't really like about this change, is that i've become less light-hearted. I used to blabber on nonsensically about anything and everything under the sun, and was rather generous in my usage of "HAHAHAHAs" and all that, but its been toned down rather greatly. I would not completely attribute it to a "development" in my linguistic abilities or maturity levels(If there was any), but rather to the more jaded outlook on life. Also, I end up reading far more into what people say and think, and scrutinize closely for underlying meanings, and tell-tale signs about their personalities. Even more so then before, and i end up playing the match what and the way something is said game and the personality/characteristics of the person, far too often for my own good.

You know, reading certrain old entries of chatlogs and blog entries with a fresh perspective made me realize a lot of things that were done wrongly before, and that there were in pretty bad taste and even mean. Heh. And i feel rather bad now in retrospect for being so insensitive.

Anyhow, its time to go sleep. There is a chalet on tomorrow, but actually i don't feel that excited to go since there is a whole lot on my mind.

And P4 is in 6 days time. Woah that is scary. The end to the semester looms large. Its kinda funny that i am typing this in the workshop at 7.30, queueing outside hoping for a chance to actually use the laser machine. Amazingly i think i might finally be able to, since i am early by 1.5 hours ahhaha. The workshop only opens at 9am. Its really getting more and more ridiculous, the popularity of the laser machine. They do need to get 1 more to cater to the growing demands.

Anw just to jot some stuff down before i forget.

Korean dinner with miss lee at square 2. Hahaha delicious food beyond yummy. Funny stuff included gigantic vegetables, sharing sessions abt mr b and mr t. Korea trips, never ending spiral ramps, indecisions between BBQ and hotpot ahahhaa. Gossips galore too and we obviously definitely need to eat more korean food soon to sate the BBQ desire... Maybe after exams hooray! SLUUURRRRP.

Numerous trips to little india to see the banglas, mustafa hunts and countless visits to middle road thanks to this module called urban design. Haha and retarded online quizes that arnt really quizes, and madass nights tracing huncing over my laptop screen due to that spastic project. Field trips to NUS SRC MPSH 5 (oooh look at that amt of shortforms) for environmental systems project. Retarded beuracracy at work causing wasted trips and time. And funny jokes about everybody being a tham shuting and Tham, Shu and Ting presenting the 3 studies hahaha.

Elaine's birthday party was also last weekend and it was good! MANY GROWWWWLSSSSS to scare people and frodo dancing madass bangla sky is falling dances. Greycard board birthday model with axo, plans, elevations and atmospheric perspectives hahaaha. It was crazy funny squatting at the basketball court trying to glue greyboard pieces together. It was weird sitting ont he floor at home cutting greyboard too for something non project related. At least not related to school ahhaa.

Fiona's birthday party was also pretty good! At night and day and crazy hats and crazy cai quans. Pizzassssss like a madness and of course the balloon volleyball matches were insane haha.

Arki con was ridiculous time sucking but at the very least we were rewarded with the bronze hammer prize hahahaha. Largest talllest heaviest can probably be out motto. It was quite fun all in all, eventhough it was tiring screwing 200 over screws and cutting the steel bars with a giant pair of scissors hahaha. Foamballs, vermiculite, perlite and exapanded haunt us in nightmares now.

Binh also came to visit one day to see the madness and also had a long due class gathering at sunset way. Being the satay man and hearing stories from sf bitching about interviewing architects was amusing haha. Alas nicholas the nicholas-ish man couldnt make it because he was nicholas.

School is like home and home is like a hotel and parents are like long forgetten things ahahha. But little torrey is still as cute as ever and he can actually crawl now! Although super slowly and with great effort and lotsa squirming like a worm.....

Sleepy like the bitch now but still MUST LASER MUST ENDURE TO LASER! 6 more daysssss!!!

I think i'm pretty weird. I had a sudden surge of emotions when i was envisaging myself looking at the sea from this cantilevering balcony which is part of my current studio project

I shall take it as a sign of an amazing design. HAHAHA!!

But i am screwed anw, 3 more days to submission! And panels are totally undone!

I am horribly disturbed by some startling revelations. I just realize that its absolutely true, a leopard doesn't change its spots. EVER. Its uncanny really.

*Shudder*.

So what should i do now?

Am i lucky? I used to think so, but somehow, over the course this 1.5 years, i'm starting to think otherwise. Lady luck - is there such a thing? Fortune? Fate? Destiny? Heh destiny, such a nice sounding word, but what if applied in a negative context. Seems strange doesnt it, when imagery of shooting stars and maybe even flying rainbows/crystal palaces/shiny regal unicorns is evoked by that word usually.

Haven't you ever got this feeling that certain things COULD go either way, that the outcome is truely uncertain, but yet it always always seems that the negative, bad outcome is the one to be choosen. Its different from when you know that something is definitely bad, and that it would be fortunate to avoid that, while the "bad" is the expected outcome. Alas, for things were "normal" is expected, the "bad" is still often the result with me.

This continuity of bad news/luck takes it toll, and somehow i have to keep lowering my expectations to accomodate, to avoid being even more disappointed. Its funny isnt it, when you give up on something, when you accept the "bad" as the "norm" and the "norm" becomes "fantastic", life gets easier, gets better. But that is most warped and infinitely sad. When would i have to stop this downwards spiraling trend? When would some good things actually happen to me? When would the result/action/consequence of the important things actually exceed my expectations?

The holidays zoomed by like that - end of exams celebrations at some ulu place near pandan valley with taboo and unagi pasta. Freelance facepainting at sentosa for Xmas, Oceanhunter and Bishibashi, Carrefour and scooters, double boiled soup and ANTS glare. Mandai Zoo, fake plants, getting lost, Mad Jacks, bohnanza and rockband. City Of Ember, body of lies and Mass Effect books. Mikail's house, fooseball, citidals, saboteur and Gears of War 2. Left4Dead and macs. Left4Dead, SMU and mincemeat noodles. Anderson's terrence neo and left4dead. Badminton at school and Tomyam steamboat. Old children's Toy Museum and Pai Zhao Pai Zhao! Mannequins and square sketch books. Vivocity and thousand layer tofu. Soup and noodles at bras brasah, watching heroes and prisonbreak during exhibition, mystery icecream with chocolate waffle basket at citylink, and presenting architecturally in chinese. Book exchange, tandem bicycle cycling at ECP, eating chips and mini picnic by the sea. Food madness galore at Shokudo and weird poems/creations. Science center intellectual new year's day, 17 dollars at a kopi tiam and more weird Pri-school creations, Thomson plaza and dodo fishballs. Yesman with Ahmah and weird SAJC classmates. Ikea to purchase glass table and black pepper crab dinner at Jay Chou's kitchen. Teaching kids to wrap xmas presents, robber santas, Twilight at PS, ji dan zai, mushroom pie and sleeping at Galare. Pw gang meetup, thai buffet, IQ puzzles, mad laughing at somebody's spastic love predicaments/stories and Carrefour. Press-factory exhibition opening. Geekfest on Xmas's eve. Buffet dinner with dad at Holiday Inn and waffles. TLTL. Poems anthology on FB. Parking lots, Luge, sky lift rides, overtaking and near accident incidents with nic. Cookout II, sotongs, chicken, chardoodles, Taboo, twister and Lala. Dota. Eragon, Eldest, Brisingr. Being famous on newspaper and having videos. Watching movies - 300, Ironman, Ocean's 11, Underworld 1 & 2, Van Helsing, Resident Evil 1,2,3 and more. Suming at bugis, Stadium view carparks. Fish dinner at railmall, food choice limitations due to lack of cold hard cash. Railmall and laksa and noodles and fried tofu. Xmas party at SICC and rushing around because of the rain. Chih Bing's Bdae party and watching golf videos. Appeals and Requesting information. Results and injustice. Articles and black spectacles. Celebrating alana's and albert's birthday, settler's cafe, funny questions and perceptions, and some saddening certain revelations that questions and their responses bring about.

Hmm after i starting listing all the stuff out and slowly recollecting, the hols have been quite fun-filled so it wasnt exactly a waste and "zoomed by".

School has started and its the end of the first week. The new studio is cosy due to the amenities and comforts that the DDS offers. But as it always seems that once school starts, certain things just change and its unhappy. WHY is the question that will never be answered. I once swore to myself that i will STOP enduring this cyclic nonsense, that i've had enough. Certain revelations led me to think that it will be different, but hm. Lets see what happens eh. Bipolarity? Perhaps. And perhaps that it was just all bullshit. I've been constantly thinking about my mother's advice and as much as i like to think that its nonsense, there really is quite some truth in there. Heh, and there is precedence to sort of verify that.

Today was our Architecture School's 50th anniversary. It was quite interesting, but i still thought it would be even more amazing since its the 50th, but i think it was due to budgetary constrains, it wasnt as grand as in imagined, but still it was quite good so kudos to everybody who sold their soul for everything to materialize!

Yet another disjointed paragraph. The new site and programme is rather cool. The sea and the spa. The direction we are taking its quite intriguing - wellbeing, the body and "the conscious and the unconscious (but isnt it subconscious)". Got to research on torture devices and even painted in water color which was fun. Anw, there might be studio on a saturday in another 7 hours time so i had better go sleep. Gdnites world.

For the past 3 nights, everynight before i sleep i will lie on my bed thinking about something which has been plaguing me for the past 1 year. Tonight was no different. Except that i recalled my dream that i had last night. There was this really beautiful and happy scene, and it was so amazing that it made my heart feel like bursting.

But it was just a dream, and then a single tear flowed down when i realized that that is just not going to be happening in reality, because i can't change things, i can't change people i guess. People are just how they are.

It is amazing how playing with my noddy (although slightly faulty controls) remote control toy car for a few minutes and honking myself can cheer me up.

Anw, finally finished writing the bloody 3.3k words environmental ethics essay. Yay!

Submission was insane, but thats kinda expected. 5 days of staying in school and minimal sleep. Studio, Technoedge and the Toilet. Haha. I was quite happy with my panels, but the model was a nightmare thanks to the mad angled stairs, stupid "corten steel" and the 30 cm slit for the walls. Hahaha damn mad. Only survived thanks to KOREAN CARDBOARD and KOREAN SUPERGLUE HAHAHA. No idea about how crit went though. Sigh. Hope i do well since i did put in quite a lot of effort for design this time. Oh and it was quite funny calculating the dimensions of my ridiculous tapered triangular slanted columns. HAHA big thanks to frodo for helping me sketch it up to find out what are the pieces to cut for my model.

Exams are in 4 days time and i need to mad study for history and theory of SEA architecture now that the essay is completed. Come on determination for once!

1st Dec is the last paper - Strategies for Sustainable architecture and i'll be free! Free for at least another 1 and a half months. Need to decide what to do. Bangkok seems to be calling out to me.. hm.

Big thing weighing on my mind though, the dratted letter i'm to collect from the registrar office on monday. Tell me where is the justice in the world?

English Translation:

GLAMOROUS SKY

I throw open the window and turn to the stormy DEEP SKY
AH and I look up...

�Is there any meaning to this repetative life?�
AH I shout...
JUMP OUT and GO
Wear & tear these ROCKING SHOES
A splashing PUDDLE
Flash Back!
You are CLEVER
AH, REMEMBER

I want to go back to that morning, so I cross the rainbow
In order to be in line for our dreams, we walk in these GLAMOROUS DAYS

�Is there no value in surrendering to love?�
AH I sigh...
SPIT OUT and GO
Booze & ROCK�N�ROLL
Breathing harder for the BATTLE
Flash Back!
Your FLAVOR
AH REMEMBER

I want to decorate my heart, with these stars I gathered
In order to tie our dreams together, we dance in these GLAMOROUS DAYS
I can�t sleep!
SUNDAY, MONDAY
FLAHS OF THUNDER, TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY THURSDAY
Snowcrystals...
FRIDAY SATURDAY
Rainbow-colors EVERYDAY
the FULL MOON disappears at random
They answer me, in my own voice

I want to illuminate your future, so I whipe away the clouds for you
As I embrace the dream, I keep walking in these GLORIOUS DAYS
I want to go back to that morning, so I cross the rainbow
In order to be in line for our dreams, we walk in these GLAMOROUS DAYS
GLAMOROUS SKY...

I just suddenly feel so sad, like i'm losing myself in all of this. In part due to the mad life style of architecture school, but mostly because everybody has already moved on to other things in life.

It was a very strange moment a few days ago when i laughed at something i read/watched on the computer (and i can't even remember exactly what anymore) and i suddenly relized that it was a very long time since i actually laughed "guinely". Its not that i don't find things funny, and do fake laughs in front of people. I do find things gunuinely funny, but its just that there is always something else that is bogging down my mind, diluting the factor of funny. I'm not even refering to specifically the amount of work to be done, but its just many things. People, work, confusion about who i really am. Even when something is funny, it becomes not funny anymore because of so many related things. Things related to the person saying it, things related about the nature of the funny thing.. Oh what am i talking about, nevermind i just like to rant to myself.

I don't like in general, the situationsof life now. I've always been somebody who belives in very small close groups of friends, but how come it is that i seem to be deviating away from that. I don't like it. I don't like what i am changing into because of my inherent uncontrollable aspect of me that reacts to things/people around me. Like if i see people acting in this particular way, i will end up having this reaction to that, 1) perhaps emulate that person in order to either fit in, or 2) follow suit to make the person have the same piece of cake and see how anoying it is. But of course that is ridiculous and since i don't even like what i'm emulating in the first place, that makes me not like myself.

I get affected super easily by other people. When i see other people behaving in certain ways, sometimes i get so affected that i can't even concentrate and that is obviously undesirable. So i question, why is it that people behave in such ways in the very first place? Unanswerable. Or maybe i can answer, but then again sometimes u cannot even answer because of the consequences that happen if you do answer.

I was thinking of the past again, and how much has changed since then. How come things are so far different from before. How come things that were so precious to me, have become not so anymore? How come things are slipping away? How come? Why is it that from blogging so frequently, recording down chapters in my life, become some place that i visit monthly to write a chunk of text? How come is it that i seem to be cutting myself from people that used to matter so much? How come i have stopped doing things that i liked to do before? What happened to the past? Rhetorical question since it IS the "past" but, why can't the past be a continuous continuation? Ok nevermind doubt many people will understand what i'm saying since i'm not the master of words (and also not the MASTER OF ARCHITECTS.. HURHURHUR). How come life is just a monotonous daily routine? What happened to life's daily creation of new nonsense? What happened to the uncertainty of everyday? Of everyweek? You never knew what nonsense was going to spring up back in JC days. I never go to school with a plan of what i need to do, what i have to do. What happened to spontaneity?? I never liked plans, and checklists and all that. I hate it.

All this, everything that i was talking about, makes me not myself. I want to be myself again.

Oh and actually, i think i am very socially inadept. It takes a lot of effort to blend in. I just want to be strange and yeah i archived past entries after not doing so for almost a year.