Dear Earthlings:

Welcome to this mad wonderful thing that only happens about three times a year, this holy holiday of me that is rarer than a woman with common sense, well, just so I don't offend anyone, it's rarer than three women in one group with common sense. Cause we all know there's women out there with common sense, just not a lot of them, and never more than 2 in a group. Ok, so I've come out the gate woman bashing. That can't be good, can it? And what could it possibly mean? And who the fuck gives a damn? I mean, how many people are even reading this? Maybe 2 people? And do they really care? I don’t think so. Most likely, they are shaking their heads and smiling to themselves, thinking oh shit, there goes frank again, off the end, but never too deep, just hip deep maybe, and the water’s cold and he never goes out far enough, thank god. And what the hell does that mean? I just made that up right now as I wrote it. But I have seen the smile on people’s faces, that, oh, no, here come bitter frank again, what’s he gonna say this time? Where’s the dick joke? How many times can he say motherfucker without stopping to breathe. That motherfucking motherfucker…

It’s that time of the year where we all stop to twist and roll in cheer! Fucking cheer… My fucking wallet… My fucking list of people I have to buy shit for so they don’t think I hate them. Not that I mind, I mean, it’s nice, you know? But you can never really ever get anybody that one thing they want. Can you imagine if everyone got that one thing they really wanted? If no one anywhere that celebrated Christmas felt jipped? The wolves would eat us all. There’d be so many fucking happy people that Al-Qaida would choose that exact moment to launch the nukes, and that one miserable fucker left, that didn’t get what he wanted, would be able to say, HA! I got what I wanted! I just w anted to die!

I think Christmas should be outlawed. I think there should be a people limit at the mall. I think if you’re walking to fucking slow in front of me while I continue to finish my list, to check it twice, I should smash you in the back of the head with a bag of ice. Ok, ok, I know what you’re thinking now. No dick jokes, so far, what’s wrong with frank. And I say this to you, my friend: Shut the fuck up and suck my dick. I am not done. Kneel, suck, and chug, buddy.

Why do we go along with all this cheer? Why do we reinvent at the end and beginning? Why aren’t we happy all year round? Why can’t we all get what we want? Because I rule this universe and if I ever got what I wanted, I wouldn’t have anything to bitch about. And bitching is what I love to do most.

HA! Merry Christmas to ME!

And to all a good night…