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04.
18. 2007
Life is Growing. Only a few weeks I'll get to see him --my baby boy.
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01. 28. 2007
so it is a baby boy. the nurse looked at me and asked:" how do
you take that?"
"what do you mean? " i was quite confused, "of course,
i'm happy. either girl or boy."
and babies are marvelous. even before their arrival, they creat this
pleasant and satisfactory mood for their mother. this is the highest
state of happiness - being happy without reason.
so i will just allow myself to indulge
in this foolish, lovely, brainless,
sweet, pleasant and ridiculous motherhood for a while. it feels so good
to be silly or brainless as long as you have a heart. 5 years, as i
decided, i'll spend 5 years just being a simple mediocre mother before
venturing out for the real world again. hopefully next year GOD will
send me a baby girl. yet i don't know how will i start my next baby
project - by interview or by love? however, there are already a few
volunteers on my waiting-list for future cooperation :=)
Life is interesting and lovely, especially for women.
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01. 16. 2007
i am 5 month now. 113 LBs. foolish and happy constantly. don't know
when i'll get back to my serious working mode -- i've got sooooo much
work left beyond.
GOD forgive me, and i know HE wil, for all my effort in 2006......
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12. 13. 2006
BEING A WOMAN IS A WONDER
being brought up in a way almost as an orphant. the concept of home
is so obscure to me. i was so free so independent and so brave even
more than many of the guys, and only now there is something so different
from my casual jokes about life.
there is this growing connection which i never felt for all my past
life. something so natural and primitive. it offers this attachment
that just makes me happy for no reason. i wonder, why am i so lucky
to be a woman and so i'm granted this power to physically fabricate
an organic world. a world that is so tiny and yet immensely vast. it
changes my views on life and compensates for all the experiences i've
missed since born.
there is no any effective rhetoric to describe such a feeling from a
mother when she is nurturing her baby's life.
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11. 19. 2006
it has been a long time. still a small step for the whole process. i
have thought this is the hardest project ever for me and no matter how
much i've prepared for it, still it seems very tough on me. neverthless,
i'm happy.
a sense of belonging and warmth came to me while
aimlessly walking around in the chilled, a little sunshine afternoon.
life will never be alone. all the experiences and abilities i've achived
so far finally started to show some meaning -- i'm creating a "home"
for some unknown lives. a "home" i had never had in my life,
but i know now what it means. it means unconditional love, forever attachment
and faithful shelter for a tired heart. and i'll be called "mom"
when they come home. it is so blessed to be a woman.
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08. 18. 2006
Definitely, nothing worse than a computer crash.
MORE ABOUT LIFE
i think the most profane thing i did is not paying much repect to GOD
while enjoy HIS lovely & generous bless a little too much. however,
i did sometimes think of GOD and wonder why HE is especially nice to
me but not to many others who took much trouble and time to worshipr
HIM.
xiao-yun called from CHINA. it was quite early for me. but the urgency
from her tone prompted me to accept that conversation. she cried. all
the common life miseries: possible divorce, job issues, financial worries,
kids education problems.
she was a queen in all her life. and was very lucky with job arrangement.
that was the time when silk trading was better than gold mining in CHINA.
she and her husband and all the other lucky ones in that industry made
good fortune. but the luster graudally faded away when open market started
to change chinese business structure dramatically. only when luck runs
out, do we realize we don't have enough skill for life. this is what
confuses us all the time: we tend to think we are smart when actually
we got a little extra luck; and when we are not doing well we like to
think it is because we are not lucky.
all in all, i said to her, divorce is not an issue if not to care about
what other people may think. however, job and kids are huge responsibilities.
the situation looks very bad, but it may not be totally bad. life has
its turns. the point is: can we still grow when things turned against
us? -- to answer it, we have to face another question more technically:
how?
she is thinking about re-marrying, but no, no candidates yet, she told
me.
women always turn to marriage for better life. i suggested her to learn
something. maybe computer or read some literature since she has all
the time now.
'when are you coming back ?' she asked softly.
'not in 2 or 3 years. why?' i asked.
'i want you to talk to my son. you are the only one he listens'
that boy has been totally spoiled like all the other chinese children.
now he is facing this severe punishment from school since he missed
finals for 3 major courses. however he was surprisingly obedient to
me last time when i was quite direct criticziing his idiocy at using
computer. to the mother, it would be a total failure or disaster or
insult if the boy was expelled from school, which is about 95% of chance
to happen as school told her. that is a very expensive school. but the
boy did not appreciate it, instead he wasted his parents' efforts for
nothing.
the tragedy for most parents is that they don't know how to achieve
respect from their children. or they don't even know there is such a
need. quite often, they are lazy to discipline themselves for any hard
study while having high expection for the children to do well in school.
the simple trick to deal with kids is this: study with them, and do
it better than them. but the most essential thing educating chidlren
is not just how to achieve respect from kids or how to make kids do
well in school. it is to help them to find their passion for life. in
order to do that, the parents have to understand passion or have to
have passion themselves.
SOMEthing nice
LAST time, i flew to see him and that visit was one of the worst. too
much arguement. then after that we only have exchanged emails for a
while. then it was that something he said made me smile. just a few
days before his trip to europe, he implied a very vague invitation by
saying this: you are dangerous, but you are pleasure. despite your bad
temper, i still categorize you as pleasure.
i will laugh whenever i thought about that, like just now.
median term -PLAN
nothing complicated =======>
1. baby projects
2. doctorate degree in economics
3. build up art career professionally
never really had a life in toronto. however, now i want to see if i
can make a big jump one more time in life. if coming into USA has offered
me chances to build solid foundation, i wish staying in CANADA will
give me opportunity for better performance.
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06. 26. 2006
when life is too easy, i feel myself shallow
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06. 16. 2006
last shot before body reconstruction...
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06. 11. 06
so i sleep alot. all my friends know i sleep alot.
after wake up, decided to visit bracha. so i went. we talked about many
travial things and then more of her friends came and talked together.
all the life issues. this man, moti, a little old, quite many wrinkles
on his face, just came from a blind date. and people started to tease
him. he said he didnot know what to think about. all the women mocked
at him. but he was very persistent saying he did not know about his
Philopeano date that afternoon. however, he added she might be acceptable
for sex. people laughed. then all of sudden, he stared at me and asked
if i was 19 or older. now it was my turn to laugh really hard. i know
i have this innocent look that makes men afraid of talking sex in front
of me. and then i told him i was this much old and that made him anxiously
wonder if i was some kind of gift god brought to him that day. it was
then bracha interrupted and stopped any dreams that he might possibly
have.
i know i'll be always like this: being tempting annoyingly. and there
is this invisible law about me: no men can touch me but i touch them
as i feel like it. as i enjoy all the freedom in life, this is one extra
but sweet touch between me and men...
K, feeling himself as a victim, squeezed me really hard one night, groaned:
you are an angel outside but a devil inside...
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06.
01. 06
Can't believe this, michelle is actually more efficient for her own
life project. all of this makes the coming year very interesting and
exciting. So i'm slower, then i'll just get extra a couple of months
to enjoy summer meanwhile have to do some research how to avoid stretch
marks. after all, this is the only little vanity i'll allow for myself:
i have to see myself being clean & smooth at all time even when
i'm 150 years old.
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04. 30. 06
michelle said, 2006 is my lucky year. so i'll see if there is any confirmation
on that.
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03. 10. 06
there are songs, they make me cry and i don't even know the meaning
of them.
at certain point i must believe god or the existence of any super-power
because there were times when i thought i was bond to fail and then
i survived marvelously; there were critical moments i had the courage
to choose a path and suffered miserably but with final touching reward,
and then it's a long time after when i look back, i wonder where the
courage was from. we don't always really know how much is the odd of
winning while pursuing a cause, do we? but we go with heart. it is not
always bad to throw yourself down to the edge of a bottom line and taste
the unique taste from unusaul moments of life. i had been there in that
deep darkness for long, and it had made me fearless and set me free.
SO FREE that nothing is intimidating anymore -- not a miserable hell
and not a luxury bait either.
LIFE canadates... it is actually quite fun to read through all the life
data. and frankly i have to say, i'm impressed with the intelligence,
sense of humor, ambition and all the diverse yet vivid personailities
from people, or more precisely, MEN.
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02. 03. 06
EVERYthing goes well, quite well.
buying a house in a warm place, selecting a candidate, eating lots of
foods, getting fat and then ready for the project.
RED HAIR
like michelle said, i've got nothing else to play and so finally decided
to make fun of my hair again.
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01. 29. 2006
CHINESE NEW YEAR
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