My Trip to the 2002 American Music Awards

horny boy's Trip to the 2002
American Music Awards

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Wednesday, January 9th, I missed the start of all my new MWF classes because my Mom manipulated me into escorting her to two major biz events in LA: the American Music Awards and NBC's 75th Anniversary Party.

At least my Mom got my Dad's jet for our LA junket on Wednesday. My Dad seemed pissed, because on Wednesdays his jet is usually shuttling his people to Paris from London. Now I know who has the real power in my family. On the flight to LA my Mom really shared some of the shit going on in her life. I had no idea that it was so vicious at the top of American business. Biz seems even nastier than politics. I think I'll stay in science.

Security at the Shrine Auditorium was comparable to that of the Emmys, probably because they let the public into the balcony for $25 a ticket. When I suggested that the AMA admitted the public so at least some dumbasses would applaud the shitty music, my Mom really cringed. She called me cynical. I retorted that I'm a man of taste...thanks to her. I reminded her that she's the one who provided my excellent musical education. I've heard the world's greatest singers and orchestras, and I know untalented tasteless ghetto noise when it assaults my eardrums.

While my Mom networked inside the Shrine VIP entrance, I socialized with some of the stars as they arrived. There's no accounting for taste. Melissa Etheridge arrived with sour-puss latest flame Tammy Lynn Michaels. Yummy actress Pamela Anderson arrived with blob Kid Rock who must be good in bed because he didn't show much talent later on AMA's stage. Rappers like Don Juan in money green dressed as awful as their music. Country star Jo Dee Messina got my vote for most tasteless "dress." What redeemed the day were the hotties, climaxing in Britney Spears. If only. I tried to stay kewl when I finally met Britney with Justin and the 'NSync gang. Instead I melted in Britney's presence into a lame, awkward groveling fan. Sometimes I really hate how lame I can be. I'll share some pics of the arrivals on my website when I get a chance.

As I feared, the first half of the AMAs was some of the worst ghetto noise I've endured in quite a while. Of course the public balcony cheered and applauded as though it was actually art. There were so many breaks in the show to stuff in commercials that I reached the conclusion that the AMA is just an excuse to get a teenage tv audience to sit through three hours of advertising pitches. Most of the show was talking heads with nothing intelligent to say who masqueraded as presenters and award winners. The inanity of their thank yous was only outdone by the stupidity of their shout outs. I really felt sorry for God Who had to take time out from His busy schedule to listen to incessant verbal diarrhea from probably closeted atheists. The performance of music--and I use that phrase quite loosely--took a minor role to the time allocated for commercials and the mindless babbling. My Mom and I got great seats in front center orchestra, so the performers and presenters were within chatting distance during the way too many breaks. I found it hard to believe, but the conversation of most stage "talent" was even dumber than their song lyrics. Thankfully stage pyrotechnics periodically kept me from falling asleep. My Mom and I took full advantage of our VIP passes and the Shrine seat fillers to meander backstage when we reached our boredom thresholds.

Of course seeing Britney and Cher perform made the evening for me. Britney Spears performed her "I'm Not a Girl, Not Quite a Woman," which I totally loved. But of course you know I have my biases. Cher performed "This Is A Song for the Lonely," which really hit home. Her production number was stunning! What dance music! OMG, intelligent lyrics and vocal talent...what a concept! Cher's blonde wig has got to go, though. Backstage her wig looked and felt like a dried-out bird's nest. I was also impressed by the huge talent of Yolanda Adams who performed an incredible medley of "Open My Heart" and "Never Give Up" in a genre called "contemporary inspirational" rather than the religious-sounding "gospel." I loved singer Luther Vandross' version of former Beatle George Harrison's song "My Sweet Lord" during the tribute to Harrison and other artists who passed away during the past year. I enjoyed Lenny Kravitz's performance of his "Dig In." Santa Claus Clark showcased an unsigned band called Carbon Leaf that did a talented "The Boxer." Usher got so worked up performing "U Got It Bad" that I thought the guy was having an orgasm on stage. I chuckled at Carrot Top being...well, Carrot Top. Of course the visual treat of imaginative Kiss was a lesson in the derivation of goth and warmed the hearts of closet goths everywhere. When I get a chance, I'll be posting close-up pics on my website to goth over. I'll add some pics from backstage where I amused myself during breaks in the boring show.

Of course the buzz of the evening was Michael Jackson who actually honored his word to Dick Clark and showed up at the AMAs despite all kinds of pressure from Michael Greene and his colleagues. However Jackson hedged his bets and did not perform. Jackson was given "This year's Artist of the Century Award." I kid you not! Just think about that line! LMAO! One country music star, more timid than Jackson, hedged her bets and sent her husband to sneak home her AMA award. Only U2 succumbed to Greene's pressure and didn't show. When U2 fans in the balcony booed 'NSync for winning Best Pop Rock Band, Justin Timberlake deftly crafted an industry commentary by telling the balcony that U2 would get Grammys instead. My, my. I wonder if U2 holds Enron stock too. To summarize this year's AMAs, it seemed to me that Dick Clark and friends laughed all the way to the bank while CBS and cohorts grubbed for chump change from a Michael Jackson re-run. Old Man Paley would not have been pleased with the lackeys behind today's Eye. My score for the evening: AMA, Dick Clark, ABC, and Disney, 100 vs. The Grammys, Michael Greene, CBS, and Viacom...[drum roll]... 0. Of course the stress was obvious in the faces and spirit of the talent due to the chiefs of media doing their blood thirsty war dances. Shrewdly my Mom spent the show nudging new talent into her wigwam right under everyone's noses while she reminded her own talent in attendance who butters their maze.

As though more than three hours wasn't enough of the music crowd, my Mom and I visited the AMA after party. There is nothing more pathetic than a untalented musician whistling for a contract. I think I prefer the sound of dental drills. My Mom was deluged with deals. Thankfully we escaped.

As though the AMA were not enough, while in LA my Mom and I made a brief visit to NBC's 75th Anniversary Party in Hollywood. Most of NBC's current stars were there. I even saw dinosaurs from late, late, late night reruns on channels with the wattage of a light bulb. Buzz at the party was who's head gets axed at NBC for changing their affiliate from San Francisco to San Jose. The San Jose affiliate's signal is too shitty to reach San Francisco, so January 1st NBC lost a huge chunk of it's Bay Area market share literally overnight. I'd ask what twit thought up that one, but the AMA gave me a heightened sensitivity to the stars of country music. NBC is gambling that Bay Area people can be huckstered into buying cable tv. NBC has a surprise coming. Hehe. When national advertisers digest that one, NBC will really take it up the ass. News at eleven. Anyway at the party I met a who's who of the NBC stable. I'll post some pics to my website when I get a chance. Just don't expect any of moi. I need my anonymity. Actually I think my Mom went to the NBC party just to see what other talent was ripe for the plucking. No wonder my Mom earns the really HUGE bucks. Of course at the NBC party my Mom also kept a careful eye on her own cash cows during this period of enormous show biz tumult. It's no time to wing it out West and let an intruder do the milking.

On the jet back to San Francisco, I caught my Mom surreptitiously clipping coupons. Stress must be quite terrible at the top. I hope that there was a Land O Lakes coupon in the batch, as my Mom has raised me with a fondness for excellent clarified sweet butter on my popcorn. I admit it. I have a weakness for quality. I am not an AMA kind of guy.

This morning my ivory tower of academia never looked so inviting after Wednesday's junket to Los Angeles. Seeing a dean doesn't seem as bad as three hours of the AMA. I'm in final countdown.