Based on the University of Maryland Robert H. Smith School of Business, and, in part, the Markets and Society program.

(The Original) You know you are a business major if… v1.5

• Not only do you know everything about the accounting scandal, but you also know what they did wrong to get caught.
• You have no idea what matlab is.
• You never, ever want to take another accounting class, ever.
• Everyone walks too slow.
• In fact, everything everyone does is not fast enough for your taste.
• You’ve made an accounting teacher cry.
• You turn in your problem set and leave.
• You cannot pronounce your TA’s last name.
• You’ve had a class in which you never learned your TA’s name.
• The hardest math you’ll ever have to take is stat (Calc doesn’t count because you took it twice).
• You’re still curious as to what a widget is.
• You are always underdressed.
• You’ve completed the Diamondback’s crossword puzzle in your computer class.
• You needed two of your friends to help you complete it.
• You see a comp sci major and start laughing.
• You can explain why rent control is bad, but are glad they have it for the Commons so you can roll out of bed and go to all of your classes without ever seeing the mall.
• You’ve eaten an ice cream cone while thinking about that cone’s utility.
• You turn your nose up at the term “ethics.”
• You quote that line from Boiler Room every time someone says that money is the root of all evil.
• You truly believe that it is immoral to let a sucker keep his money.
• At one time or another, you had an urge to watch the Enron trial.
• You have nothing against “slave labor” and secretly admire Nike for keeping down its prices by any means necessary.
• You want to be Dan Aykroyd in Trading Places.
• Greed, for lack of a better word, is good.
• You’ve seen Boiler Room at least three times.
• You charge your friends interest, no exceptions.
• You know how many years it takes to repair your credit after you declare bankruptcy.
• You’ve added your own rules to Monopoly, and I’m not talking about getting money when you land on Free Parking.
• You own a Palm Pilot and depend on it for everything, including your own birthday and telephone numbers.
• You hate taking classes in buildings without a data jack and outlet at every seat even though you don’t have a laptop.
• If you don’t make dollars, you don’t make sense.
• You want to buy an IPO just to say you did.
• Alex P. Keaton (enough said).
• You’ve used Arthur Anderson as a reason for why you feel you should have gotten a 100% on an accounting in-class quiz.
• You’re half done with college and haven’t taken a single class for your major.
• Either you have a Boiler Room poster or would have one if everyone you know didn’t.
• Time and money have negotiable values.
• You think its funny that none of your professors or any of the deans majored in business.
• Graphs only have one quadrant and are never negative.
• You admire Dell’s supply chain management.
• You would have considered majoring in ECON if it were part of the business school.
• You play games or make lists in class to prevent napping.
• You’re mad that you didn’t think of this first.
• You would probably sell your soul if some sucker would buy it.
• When involved in group projects, your strength is “managing others.”
• You call room 1212 by it’s last name.
• You would buy almost anything on the black market just because it’s such a great deal.
• You’re only worth 15 minutes of your advisors time.
• You’ve found errors in a Gradesummit online quiz.
• On the first day of class, you know exactly what quizzes and homeworks you cannot do and not have it affect your grade.
• You would resort to bribery for your 16-credit block to be lifted.
• You no longer “think” but “know” you’re better than everyone else.
• You still wish Van Munching Hall were named Heineken Hall.
• You’re desperate to put anything and everything on your resume, including SGA.
• You know at least one person in Quest, but even they can’t explain the program to you.
• You can tell who won’t make it past 45 credits.
• The barter system intrigues you.
• The only science classes you’’ ever have to take are classes like astronomy and geography, and they’re still harder than you would have liked.
• Lesser is not more.
• When an essay begins “Do you think…” you believe that either “yes” or “no” is an adequate response and there is no way that the professor or TA can downgrade you for it because you answered the question.
• You think you should be required to take a one-credit course on “splitting the bill.”
• You’ve decided that you will need to take golf lessons eventually and look forward to writing them off as a business expense.
• You will never have to worry about losing anything to budget cuts.
• Walking in other buildings hurts your feet because they are not carpeted.
• Your professor has had a nervous breakdown in the middle of class.
• You still circle the multiple-choice answers on the exam as well as the scantron.
• The clause “No graphing/ scientific calculators, cell phones or electronic devices allowed” is printed on every test, quiz, syllabus and is spoken 15 times by your professor.
• You get a little too excited when you enter Staples.
• When someone asks you what you are majoring in, sometimes you slip and say “money.”
• You figured out that the doors have peepholes so that you don’t have to open the door and disrupt a class to see if the room is empty yet.
• You get really pissed off at the freshmen (and juniors) that haven’t figured this out yet.
• You rationalize not being able to do long division with the fact that you have anywhere between 3 and 5 calculators on you most of the time (Graphing, financial, 4 function, Palm and cell phone).
• The reason you are majoring in Finance is because you had to be in the business school, you sure as hell weren’t going to do accounting and you didn’t think you would be able to get a job (let alone make more than $40,000) if you majored in marketing, so Finance was the winner by default.
• You have tri-delts in your classes and they always sit in the front 3 rows.
• You still see most of the sorority girls that were in your entry level, pre 45 credits, business classes, yet you no longer see half of the frat boys.

(You know you are a crim or econ major if, after 45 credits, you notice a large increase in frat boys in your classes.)

• You know about the thermometers in Van Munching and still have no idea how they change them.
• It pisses you off that every “figure,” “table” and chart” is on the page following the page that discusses them in all of your textbooks.
• You’re going to keep an eye out for that next time you read a textbook, which is always 2 days before the exam.
• It’s 8 weeks into the semester and you still haven’t learned a single thing in econ, even if you’ve attended every lecture and every discussion, which you haven’t.
• You’re not sure what DIS is, but you’re pretty sure it should be part of comp sci.
• You know the truth about marketing majors: they’re just comm. majors who wanted less work and a more impressive resume.
• You can explain why breaking even in poker after 4 hours isn’t really breaking even based on the Time Value of Money principle.
• You’ve taken a career class that actually makes you less prepared for the job search than you were before the class.
• You can name a major in business that isn’t Finance, Marketing or Accounting.
• You bought a RH Smith portfolio that is basically a fancy resume holder.
• You are considering charging Virginia Tech licensing fees.
• If you have a class in a computer lab, you are compelled to surf the net/talk online.

E-mail comments and suggestions to UMDBusiness@yahoo.com

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