As I sit here listening to the most gangster of music in my library (Interpol's "length of love"), I ponder the thought process of those who violated my sweet Clifford last night. As I went out to my car this morning, ready to pick up Mtaness and head off to another swell day at the University of Toronto, I notice that the glove compartment was open, the passenger door slightly opened and my Canadian Tire money on the ground (not the Canadian Tire money!). Then I think to myself: "what the fuck Chris, if you're gonna use the car, pick your shit up". Then I go through last night and question if I had used the car last. My conclusion was that I had used the car last, but I was damn sure not to make this mess. I look down again, and to my dismay my CD player was gone. My mind rambles. I have been robbed. I quickly pat myself down. Phew... My virginity is still in tact.

It's one thing to take from me, but to take from an innocent bystander, Clifford, that's just unrighteous. You can call it a random act, you can call it teens having fun on "spring break", you can even call it collateral damage ("collateral damage!?!? I'll give you collateral damage!"). I find this hard to swallow. I refocus. I drive to Mtaness' house and look around again. I pull out the cup holder, and only find 70 cents. Seventy cents!?!??! I swear I had at least $1.10 in there last night. Damn. So I'm down a CD player, which was $15 and 40 cents. I open up a little compartment on my little island and I find it completely empty. This is where I kept my receipts, empty gum package and 2 lighters, just in case. That was completely empty. Damn. Those two lighters cost Mario 33 cents... EACH! That's like... 66 cents!. And that was all they took. $16.06 worth of goods.

They didn't take the shovel in the back, didn't take the middle seat, didn't take my poker glasses, didn't take my empty cans of axe, they didn't even take my emergency survival kit. But what was surprising the most was that they did not take... Let me gather myself here... They elected not to take the unused condom that Luch left behind. I was kind of happy about that. What I found most surprising was that they actually cleaned my car a little bit. They took some receipts and papers that were lying around. Another thing I found odd was that they took the lighters, but they didn't hot box the van. I mean, I woulda done it. They could have used my van as their personal sex shack. But no sex took place, I assure you. But what really pissed me off was that they didn't close the passenger door all the way. The interior lights were on all night long. They were lucky the car was able to start this morning, or there would be hell to pay.

I found the whole situation humorous. It could have been worse. They could have found the secret switch to open the bat cave, and reveal m secret to the world. I mean, everyone knows I keep the back door unlocked, it isn't that hard to rob Clifford. That was quite a feat fellas. I am not really mad at who did it, I just wanna know who dun it? I just want my Taking Back Sunday/Brand New CD back. And if anybody plans to steal from Clifford again, at least leave a note to say what you took, so I can replace it. On a final note, you would think that this has taught me a lesson. But I will keep my doors unlocked. Why? Because I live in Canada, if you want to take from others without permission, go to the States, or Ricki Lynn's kitchen.

Thanks,

Mike