then.after.that.BUTTERFLY

I looked at her face and then I knew she changed 06.05.03 @ 8:36 PM

Oh-hoy matey! No, I'm not dead, but I just wanted to post the new layout up. How cute is it? It's very simple no? Well I have a new site up; its a review site. You can view it HERE. Other news in my life involve ... WOW! I can't believe it, but on the old layout (and this one) I have  , this is of course, to leave notes on my layout, usually when I give it to people and I feel bored and patient. Surely enough, since typing up codes you've typed up already before is so annoying, I just copy and paste from my older stuff, so I also copied those notes. I believe this is from my brother's layout, since he doesn't know much about HTML, I thought I'd leave him a few messages so he knows what to do. Uh, no that's what's new, but I just noticed it now *shoots self* yeah very observant of me right? *rolls eyes* I just noticed a lot of my entires are just me bitching; and I realize that in my life, all I do is complain. So today I englighten you with my brighter side of my life. April 26 was my wife's (Megori) birthday. She turned wonderous 17 woot woot! XD and soon to follow in September, I'll be Sweet 16. =P Well her birthday definitely kept me busy. I made her a program (you can view it any time, just ask for it) which took me 48 hours to do. XD Of course, it ended with cake (and caking if you know what I mean) and a lot of zZzz's. Unfortunately, I don't live in the states with her =( so give me money for me to see her, pretty please? Hehe, on April 3rd I believe, my aunt gave birth to her first and most certainly beautiful son. He's so cute, he's with me right now, well on my bed sleeping. Uh well not anymore, he just woke up and is very cranky, but stil cute. ^^; He's about a month old. So I had two great celebrations indeed. My marks were poor during the midterms, but I'm picking up ground and I *should* be on the honours the next time I get my report card. Next year will be a completely different story, I'll be as busy as hell. That's why I plan to devote my time on making two huge projects for Dreaming Wonders as well as getting more content as always. Of course, I won't be just focusing on Dreaming Wonders, I plan to promote Virtual Designs and get a customer. Actually, I made Profoule Studios' layout (the orange/brown one). So I think you can see that I'm always changing and growing in the graphics field, hopefully moving up. Right now, I've opened my ears more and am accepting Britney Spears, she's just so hot. LOL Yeah, you heard what I said. XD I keep listening to Toxic. "A guy like you should wear a warning. It's dangerous, I'm falling"... LOL, and "the best rapper" Jay-Z retired, just when I was getting into his hits. Oh well. Well, I also plan to get a job during the summer. Earn some money. Currently I'm trying to save up to $500 for christmas, because last christmas sucked, though it was better than just sitting on the computer wishing I could give someone something. The rest of money will go into something like clothes, education *coughs* and possibilty a car? I don't plan on anything of those things happening till like 3 years from now LOL. I don't want my dad to get me a car >.>; Speaking of cars, I'll be trying for my G1 after school starts. Hmm what else? I'm trying not to bitch so much, because I know that it doesn't solve problems, but I feel better letting it out. And there are just somethings you can *write* down better than actually saying it. And this is my blog so if you're sick of my rants XD too bad for you! Ah well, I can't think of any happy thoughts anymore, so I'll be going now, I'll leave you with the chorus for Toxic and The Ex.

Bits of Toxic by Britney Spears
With a taste of your lips
I’m on a ride
You’re toxic
I’m slipping under
With a taste of poison paradise
I’m addicted to you
Don’t you know that you’re toxic
And I love what you do
Don’t you know that you’re toxic?

Bits of The Ex by Billy Talent
Why would she put me through such torture,
I would have given my life for her,
She was the one that knocked me over,
Now I'm alone sitting on the corner

retardedness 22.02.03 @ 4:12 AM

Two days ago from today (February 20th moron) it was my baby brother's birthday. He turned 4 years old and I couldn't get him anything. I had $92 to blow, but parents wouldn't let me breathe fresh air. I feel like I haven't seen the sun properly in years, or had "fresh" air. It might've helped me over-come my fears and calm me down. Every second I stay here, the more I feel like murdering someone. *sigh* I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to do anything. I just want to lie down in bed and sleep my life away till my parents rot or something. Man, I know you jackasses are probably like "Just wait till they do die, then you'll wish they never did." For your fat ass information, I already know how much they've done for me, and the "hardwork" they've gone through raising me and my brothers. I know because I have sat down in the middle of the night thinking about the past and thinking about what life would be like without my parents ever since I was 9 years old. I know and I've cried plenty of times and admitted "I can't live without my mom." because who else would feed me? Who would protect me when dad got a little crazy? Who else but mom? Why did I stay up late at night? Because I was scared of the dark (laugh all you want) but and I was scared of ghosts coming to haunt me (stupid tv shows). Were my parents there to comfort me? Nope. =P Not that it matters, but my mom would yell "Say a few verses from the Qu'raan!", and when I think about, I suppose it comforted me that "God" was protecting me from up above. Until I grew a little older and the pressure of being a "real girl" were burderning my shoulders and the penalties of not praying, not doing what "God" asked for me to do and embarrassing my parent's bengali friends. The guilt really made me feel like crap and I was really really REALLY scared of God. He seemed more like a punisher than a saviour. We're all sinners. =/ All of whatever Canadian based culture think is wrong, is what apparently is right in my country. If you like black people, you're suddenly labelled gangster and an imediate personal whore/slave to them. =/ If you think a girl can do more than cook, clean and give birth to babies, you're a Christian/White/whore. =/ If you try to stand up for your poorer friends, you're a faker trying to be the nice guy and you parents don't allow you to interact with the poor people anymore. Oh, and also diss them out. =/ If you touch a dog, you suddenly have fleas and your parents tug your ear to the washroom and make you wash your hands with soap and hot water (but its okay for you and your brother to share drinks, because hello! you came from the same uterus!). =/ All whites/blacks/browns/etc. want you to take drugs and pressure you into having sex. =/ Girls should just hang out with girls and boys should hang out with boys, if they're together they're somehow involved sexually. =/ But that's not all! I just don't know what to think anymore, this closed-mindedness is already getting to me and I can't stress how crappy I feel living here. I don't care if my mom isn't here to feed me "good food" and if my dad's not here to pay the bills. As long my thoughts and opinion actually matter and aren't put-down, then I'd be happy. I never thought this kinda shit would get to me like this. It's a different kind of abuse, you know? God why did you make this planet so fucking retarded?!? Well, Angel World will make at least you happy.

Happy Birthday Naymul! Should I post it on DA?

Happy Birthday Naymul! Should I post it on DA?

"I don't have anything to say, and even if I did, I am not gonna blurt it out like some redneck." - Tiana

I guess I'm a redneck now. =/

"Bullshit" 18.02.03 @ 10:58 PM

WOW!!! I haven't updated in AGES! A month and 8 days to be percise. Damn!! ^^;; Anyways, a lot of shit happened. A lot of friends are depressed, two of my friend's fathers died, school's a mother fucker (omfg kill math and burn logic), hmm who the fuck is Richard? =P I was just reading some past enteries and I see this guy "Richard" and I don't remember him. O.o I think I'm loosing my memory lol. ^^ Dreaming Wonders is becoming more popular and definitely more content. ^^ Please visit it, but I highly doubt it will work if you're reading this today or on the 18th or even 19th of any month. During this time, my host pays her host, so ... sasayaku.net [ my host ] likes to go down during this payment thingy. =) I'm actually confused. I rarely am confused over anything. I'm usually confident and very certain of anything, but lately I've been acting a little to dramatic likes those faggots on those fake reality shows (and drama). It's scary how I'm turning into a norm, and even more scary because all I ever believed in, could be entirely wrong. I don't know why I'm so worked over being wrong, maybe because in the past, I've been more wrong than right. Nowadays, its more wrong than right. And I wish it didn't bother me so much, but I'm damned a fucking human and that itself makes me feel shit. How I'm so useless and not acknowledgable as I'd like to be. I don't know so much shit that it's really scary. And I don't know, I keep denying because I hate depression, but I've been very suicidal and it pisses me off when people go shoving their head up my ass and asking me why even though I said over and over again that I just want to die. That's that. I don't need a real reason, its my life you know? So what if I want to waste it. I never asked for you to care, and most likely, I don't give a shit about you too. Lately I'm becoming more apatheic and not caring. Everyother response is "I don't care." and I truly mean it. Never in my life have I ever meant that, but man 15 is such a gay ass year, its an odd number, can't wait to be 16. But then again, 16 might as well be shitter than 15. I'd be one year older, and one less year before my times up. I wish I was already 58. Then I wouldn't have to wait for natural death to bitch slap so damn long. Anyways, the "real" reason I want to die is because I don't see any point in being alive. It really sucks, where I live. I don't mean to sound like one of those bitchy girls who always complain about their bitchy life, but ... I've seriously lost all of my liberty ever since I was born. The right to think is being carefully watched over my fucking bitchy parents. I don't have any rights anymore, I might as well loose the right to live and deal with death head on. Last night I dreamt about someone shooting me (and automatically killing me) so then, I got the stupidest idea about my will. =P I don't know if youngins like myself should have wills or not, because usually the parent knows their childern well enough to know what they would've wanted. All my parents know is that I like blue. *blinks* So yeah, I think I'm going to write down a will lol. You never know right? Plus, I'd really appreciate it if people respected my will and did what I asked. ^^;; Mainly to go online and tell my lovers (lol friends you fucking knuckle-head) that I love them and that if I can, I'm going to stalk them LOL. As for my offline friends, hmm, I give them uh pie. =) Applie pie. Ew, but I'm sure someone likes applie pie. What else bullshit do I have for you? Uhhhh... ><;; For those fucking around with my school; fuck you. =) The majority of us go to school till we're well into our 20s and then we go to WORK. That's right, we fucking work to get more work. How fucking gay is that?!? Is that REALLY LIFE? Sadly, little boys and girls in Africa (and alike) are begging for this work (aka education) that we get for free thanks to mummy and daddy working their asses off and paying taxes. Bullshit.

Fuck 10.01.03 @ 11:32 PM

It's been a long time since I updated this blog. Not much to say really, just that I'm back from the holidays and also I updated Dreaming Wonders to the max. New layout, new content, new ideas, and definitely new rules. So check it out if you have time. Also apart from that, school really sucks and I hate all of my classes. They're all bitches really. First of all, Science. In science we don't really learn anything. For a whole week whatever we do is our mark for our exam and that just sucks like crap. It's like ... you just sit there, and do nothing, so on Friday I skipped. In Computer Science, programming is boring. It's all we ever do and anything else we do is also boring. I hate it, I really do. And if any of my teacher's try to force me to take it again, I'm going to kick them really hard. It's so boring and hard and did I mention boring? Also we're gonna have an exam, it's an open course for fuck's sake!! -_-; Moving on, English's a bitch. I'm serious. We have to make a magazine, which is then our exam. Worst part is that we can't bring it home to complete. That just REALLY REALLY SUCKS and I feel like beating someone up for it. I wanna be able to bring it home, work on it, and then hand it in. But stupid teacher's like "Noooooo~!" and while their reasons are good, I just don't give a fuck. They make me wanna take up drugs. -_-; And in Business Applications it's the same shit as Computer Science. We're doing HTML now and the kids are so stupid I feel like kicking them hard in the shin. I don't give a fuck if I'm rude or nice anything anymore. Fuck it. I'm so sick of idiots even though I'm probably the biggest one. It isn't so hard to follow instructions you know. First of all, we all get a piece of paper WITH THE FUCKING CODE ON IT and the teacher slowly and retardedly explains the FUCKING CODES. So what the FUCK DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?! Grr *punches Richard in the face* Richard's so fucking mean, I haven't heard from him since 21st and I bet he doesn't even give a damn. I tried calling him last night and today a lot of times but the fucking phone doesn't work or some shit like that. At least have the fucking decency to let your girlfriend know you're alive or that we're gonna break up or something fucked up shit like that. Over the whole holiday, I haven't seen from him. You'd think that when you get a TWO WEEK BREAK FROM SCHOOL, you'll see ALL of your loved ones, including your FUCKING BOYFRIEND. But NOOOOOOO~! Blah I'm so glad I'm ranting here instead of actually yelling at someone, that would be so much worse. Stupid mom too. Just ack, fuck it all. ><; I got so much hate, so much anger that I swear I will murder her if she pushes me that far. She's just so lucky I'm not snitching on her fucking ugly behind for all her abuse. I don't give a fuck about whatever everyone thinks about me. There are only about 6 BILLION HUMANS OR SO on this planet. Life is so fucking short to give a damn about what everyone thinks. I'm an atheist, a hater, a lover, a thinker, a friend, a foe, a whore, a threat. I'm whatever the hell you want to think I am, but I'll never be as you want me to be. No one will be. So leave me the fuck alone, I'm sorry I'm not a perfect daughter, I'm sorry I use my brain, I'm sorry I can think, I'm sorry I'm lazy, I'm sorry I'm a fucking bi, I'm sorry if I think what I think. I'm sorry. I really am and no matter how much I cry, no matter how much I yell, no matter how much I plead, you will never believe me. I fucking hate you, I fucking hate my family, I fucking hate life. Ack and I'm not suppose to! You're not doing your job as a parent to make me realize that life is good, all you do is make me think about suicide. *sigh* What the fuck am I saying? I've got only myself to blame. It's my own fault that I'm hurt, that I'm stupid, that I'm not perfect. My own fault. Everything is and I wish I could stop complaining but I can't. *sigh* Fuck it all. Oh yeah, Happy Fucking New Year.

So What? 06.12.03 @ 6:06 PM

So what? So what if I think different from you? Just who are you to try to change my mind? As far as I'm concerned, my mind is my own to make my own decisions and I think I am very capable of thinking and fending for myself. I am just a kid, but that doesn't mean I need you to hold my hand. Let me grow, let me become something more. Let me bring importance to my thoughts, let me be important. Let me be free, let me think. Let me fly, let me dream. Wow, lots of "Let"s. ^^ Anyways, I must say "Darn that Tifa!" ^^ hehe she has probably mastered English. Rock on girl. I wish I was as good with english as she is. I must insist her in becoming an author or something. Please, please, please check out the Link of The Week! I will love your forever and 1 more day! So like I have no idea what I'm doing here. I'm like just uhhh chillin'. Yeah. That. >.>; What? =) So um. Um. Wait, it'll come to me. Oh yeah. I drew a new picture. Check it out @ www.dreaming-wonders.tk ... Some people are freaking out. What have I become? o.O No, I'm not perverted now (lol *nudge*) I just took up drawing nude because I think it's harder (but easier than drawing landscapes, really). I like drawing curves and what not, its fun. Especially if I have trouble with drawing it. If I have trouble drawing something, and it turns out good in the end, then I am as proud as a very peachy peach. :D And! Oh yea! ^^ I am thinking about writing this story. Woot. It's called Innocent Hopes and its about a girl named Kiki being a teen aged mother. People either go "What on earth?" or "Dude, that's deep." the worst response is "Ugh! Who cares, teenage mothers should be ashamed!" If that's your thought, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! :D *chases the reader away* Anyways, dry your tears with love~! LOL! Sorry, thats from a song I'm listening to now. ^^ It rocks.

Without you, there would be no CHOCOLATE! 20.11.03 @ 6:34 PM

=) I love each and everyone of you. Even if you tend to be a pain in the ass. But there will be times where I will want to rip open your head, beat you up and really really hurt you, but that's what is so charming about me. Lol. For some reason, http://web1000.com is sorta screwing up my links to other sites, they better not stop direct linking. And I realized that I have never changed the link of the week for, well months lol. Lazy, that's what I am. But all I gotta say is: Picture this, we were both butt naked bangin' on the bathroom floor. LOL. That line cracks me up everytime. Honestly, its great. But a lot of people seem to hate that song. =( Pooey. Well I ain't gonna be a sheep lol I love it. It's funny and I like that guy's voice (no, not Shaggy. Shaggy can die for all I care). It's bangin' ^^ So during lunch, I made pop-CORNY. Bleh my Notepad fucks up everytime I save some shit. -_-;;; Anyways, as I was saying, I help make and sell pop-corn to raise money for United Way (hence my odd subject line). It was pretty cool, but we didn't expect a whole lot of customers, and my science teacher's quite the odd ball. No really. o.O;; But I got a free cookie, so it's all good! ^^ Opps, yeah, I didn't fast, so what are you gonna do about it huh!? =P So pop-corn making ish like fun. =) So yeah ... *rolls eyes* What to talk about?! o.O I hate computer science now. Yeap yeap, it reeks. Well no, but if I didn't get such a bad grade, I would've loved it. My computer in my class is so ugly and has bad bad bad bad image quality. Like whoa! >< I make a simple picture, bring it to school (to add to the programs) and it's soo ugly, and I'm not saying that because I hate my graphics that I make (because there are some that I'm very proud of). That pisses me off, so much that I wanted to delete it, but decided not to. A lot of people seem to be jealous of this however. Which is gay, because if they wanted, they could do the same, but they don't want to. =) That's cuz they're mostly normal healthy young idiotic boys (it's me and Mary-Jane against like 18 guys lol!). Anyways ........ >.>;; Oh yeah! Good-tutorial finally posted my tutorial, when I submitted it like more thank a week ago! I miss dubby wubby. =( Why isn't he online? Are you reading this? =P Most likely not. Is David reading this? I hope not. =) Okay, I don't even know why I'm blogging. I don't have anything to say, and even if I did, I am not gonna blurt it out like some redneck. Blah. I'm out. Destruction and Hate (lol).

Disclaimer

I made this layout with Adobe Photoshop, a couple of brushes and a picture of Sakura from Cardcaptor Sakura produced by CLAMP. Now, all of the persons, objects and companies I have mentioned before this sentence, are subject to copyright. I do not own them, and I definitely am not claiming them. But, I did edit this with my crappy brain which creates my crappy ideas. So please respect that and do not steal this layout or anything from this site. Thank you. ©