Date: Tue, 09 May 2000
From: Erykah
"Twenty Responses to Use With Telemarketers” - Rated PG
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing.
Date: Thu, 25 May 2000
From: Peggy
I found this one rather funny
peg
Why Cucumbers are Better Than Men
the average cucumber is at least seven inches long
cucumbers stay hard for a week
a cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count
cucumbers don't get too excited
a cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety
cucumbers are easy to pick up
you can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket
... and you know how firm it is before you take it home
you only eat cucumbers when you feel like it
no matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and
eat it too
cucumbers can get away any weekend
with a cucumber you can get a single room
... and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber
a cucumber will always respect you in the morning
you can go to movie with a cucumber ... and see the movie
at a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat
a cucumber can always wait until you get home
a cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get
Milk Duds
a cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival
a cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?"
cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin
cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin
cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin
with cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once
cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room
wall
cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups
cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bad with
your boots on
cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking dirty, or
swinging with fruits and nuts
you can have as many cucumbers as you can handle
cucumbers never need a round of applause
cucumbers won't ask:
Am I the best?
How was it?
Did you come? How many times?
cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski/tennis
instructors
a cucumber won't want to join your support group
a cucumber never wants to improve your mind
cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations
cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about
your next one
a cucumber will never make a scene because there are other
cucumbers in the refrigerator
a cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your
mother comes over
no matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh
cucumber
cucumbers can handle rejection
a cucumber won't pout if you have a headache
a cucumber won't care what time of the month it is
a cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet
with a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry
cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest,
or drool on the pillow
cucumbers won't give you a hickey
cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in
the wet spot
Afterwards, a cucumber won't:
want to shake hands and be friends
say, "I'll call you a cab."
tell you he's not the marrying kind
tell you he is the marrying kind
call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist
take you to confession
cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month
a cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore
cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him
a cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away
a cucumber won't work your crossword with ink
a cucumber isn't allergic to your cat
with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale
during the flu season
cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car
a cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors
a cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library
cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest
a cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hair spray
cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor
cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub
a cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet
a cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a
shower
with a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it
cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold
cucumbers can't count to "10"
cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with longer hair
a cucumber will never leave you
for another woman
for another man
for another cucumber
a cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late,
honey." and then come home with the smell of Channel No a 19 on him
a cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt
you always know where YOUR cucumber has been
you won't find out later that your cucumber:
is married
is on penicillin or have AIDS
likes you, but loves your brother
a cucumber never has to call "the wife"
cucumbers never have mid-life crisis
a cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move
cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on
vacation
cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do
a cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party
you don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber
a cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve
a cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy
blonde
cucumbers never want to take you home to mom
a cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with
your family
a cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school
a cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually
cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers
a cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
a cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised catholic,
jewish, or orthodox vegetarian
it's easy to drop a cucumber
a cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property
settlement, or seek custody of anything
Date: Sat, 27 May
From: Ilana
> > --I know you've read some of these before, but the rest are pretty good too > > >> All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. > >> > > >> > >>> Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. > >> > > >> > >>>I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot > >> more > >> > as > >> > >>>they get older, then it dawned on me . . they were cramming for > their > >> > >>>Finals. > >> > > >> > >>> I almost had a psychic boyfriend but he left me before we met. > >> > >>> > >> > >>> Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. > >> > > >> > If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is > that > >> > >>>considered a hostage situation? > >> > > >> > OK, so what's the speed of dark? > >> > > >> > >>> > >> > >>> Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. > >> > >>> > >> > >>> When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. > >> > >>> > >> > >>> Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. > >> > >>> > >> > >>> I intend to live forever - so far, so good. > >> > >>> > >> > >>> When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. > >> > >>> > >> > >>> I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. > >> > > >> > >> For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. > >> > >>> > >> > >>> Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. > >> > >>> > >> > >>> To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many > >> is > >> > >>>research. > >> > >>> > >> > >>> The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. > >> > >>> > >> > >>> Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. > >> > >>> > >> > >>> A fool and his money are soon partying. > >> > >>> > >> > >>> Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. > >> > >>> > >> > >>> If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of > >> payments. > >> > >> > >> > >>> I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. > >> > >>> > >> > >>> Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. > >> > >>> > >> > >>>Half the people you know are below average. > >> > >>> > >> > >>> 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. > >> > > >> > >>>Clones are people two. > >> > >>> > >> > >>>If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, > is > >> > he > >> > >>>still wrong? > >> > >>> > >> > >>>I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be > >> gone. > >> > I > >> > >>>said, "The whole time." > >> > >>> > >> > >>>I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me > >> are > >> > >>>furious. > >> > >>> > >> > >>>Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? >
Date: Sat, 27 May 2000
From: Ilana Nijnik
Subject: [Fwd: FWD:pope?]
To all those who argued about religion
-- Ilanova, the russian Jew
Eitan wrote: > > > > >THE GREAT DEBATE > >_____________________________ > > > > > > > >Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had > > > >to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the > > > >Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a > > > >religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the > > > >Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to > > > >stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave. > > > > > > > >The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to > > > >represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not > > > >speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was > > > >decided that this would be a "silent" debate. > > > > > > > >On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat > > > >opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his > > > >hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and > > > >raised one finger. > > > > > > > >Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe > > > >pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a > > > >communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an > > > >apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the > > > >debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay." > > > > > > > >Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what > > > >had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to > > > >represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to > > > >remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. > > > >Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around > > > >us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was > > > >also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to > > > >show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to > > > >remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What > > > >could I do?" > > > > > > > >Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking > > > >what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews > > > >have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. > > > >Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said > > > >to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!" > > > > > > > >"And then?" asked a woman. > > > > > > > >"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch." > > --Ilana
Date: Sat, 27 May 2000
From: Ilana
Subject: [Fwd: [SciFiKS] World destruction]
*ROTFL*
lost_cluster@*******.*** wrote: > > It is the year 2000 and Noah lives in the United States. > > > > The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to make > it > rain > > and > > cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. > > > > But I want you to save the righteous people and two of > > every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am > commanding you > > to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the > > specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the > plans > > and agreed to build the Ark. > > > > "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring > > everything aboard in one year." > > > > Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and > all > > the seas of the earth went into a tumult. > > > > The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. > > "Noah," He shouted, "where is the Ark?" > > > > "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there > > were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction > and > > your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an > engineering > > firm and redraw the plans. > > > > Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark > needed > > a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices. Then my neighbor > objected, > > claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in > my > > front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning > commission. > > > > I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a > > ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally > convinced > > the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. > > However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. > > So, no owls. > > > > The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to > negotiate > a > > settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters > on > > the Ark, but still no owls. > > > > When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an > animal > > rights group. Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA > notified me > that > > I could > > not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact > statement > > on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea > that > > they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the > universe. > > > > Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new > > flood plan. I sent them a globe. > > > > The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in > > preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got > a > > notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and > > failed to register the Ark as a "recreational watercraft." > > > > Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against > > further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding > > the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. > I > really > > don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah > wailed. > > > > Suddenly, the sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the > > seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. > > Noah looked up> hopefully, "You mean you are not going to destroy > > the earth, Lord?" > > > > "No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government > already has." > >Ilana
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 2000
From: Shelley
Need a laugh? I sure did. And this did the trick.
Thus spake gaidheil
"They must have taken my marbles away!"
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Wednesday, June 07, 2000
Subject: Fwd: humor
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.
Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. . .
Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.
He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----
"You know, the very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common: they don't alter their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views, which can be uncomfortable, if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering." The Doctor -- from "Doctor Who"
Elizabeth
Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2000
From: Cecilia
Timeless Advice
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either... Why don't you just leave me alone?
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of quarterly income-tax payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
25. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Date: Sat, 10 Jun 2000
From: Ilana
Subject: Fw: 10 Things that Men know about women
>10 Things that Men know about women >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > >1. > >2. > >3. > >4. > >5. > >6. > >7. > >8. > >9. > >10. They have breasts
Date: Sun, 18 Jun 2000
From: Cecilia
Subject: FW: Groaners...
> How do you catch a unique rabbit? > Unique up on it. > > How do you catch a tame rabbit? > Tame way, unique up on it. > > How do crazy people go through the forest? > They take the psycho path. > > How do you get holy water? > You boil the hell out of it. > > What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? > Dam! > > What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? > Polaroid's > > What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? > A stick. > > What do you call cheese that isn't yours? > Nacho cheese. > > What do you call Santa's helpers? > Subordinate clauses. > > What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? > Quattro sinko. > > What do you get from a pampered cow? > Spoiled milk. > > What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? > Frostbite. > > What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? > A nervous wreck. > > What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? > Anyone can roast beef. > > Where do you find a dog with no legs? > Right where you left him. > > Why do gorillas have big nostrils? > Because they have big fingers. > > Why don't blind people like to sky dive? > Because it scares the hell out of the dog. > > What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? > Sanka > > What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? > The location of the dirt bag. > > Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down? > Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat. > > What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? > A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad skydiver goes damn, whack. > > What do you call skydiving lawyers? > Skeet. > > What goes clop, clop, clop, bang,bang,clop clop clop? > An Amish drive-by shooting > > How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorcee the same? > Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2000
From: Ilana
Subject: Fw: [SciFiKS] Jokes >=)
Just some funnies...
-- Ilana,
-----Original Message-----
From: Ruthi
Subject: [SciFiKS] Jokes >=)
>The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the >strongest >man around, that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The >bartender >would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, >and >hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one >more drop >of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried >over time >(weightlifters, longshoremen, wrestlers, etc.) but nobody >could do >it. One day this scrawny little man wearing thick glasses >and a >polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, >"I'd >like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the >bartender said, "OK", grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. He >then >handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. >The >crowd's laughter turned to silence as the man clenched his >fist >around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the >crowd >cheered, the bartender pays the $1000, and asked the little >man, >"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight >lifter, >or what?". >The man replied, "I'm a fund-raiser for the United Jewish >Appeal. > >-------------------------------------------------- > >An old married couple are sitting on the porch in their >rocking chairs, >when all of a sudden the little old lady reaches out and >slaps the little >old man so hard he falls right off the porch! He gets up, >dusts himself >off, sits back down and says, "Edna, what in tarnation was >that for?" >His wife answers, "That's for having such a small penis!" >They continue to rock, when all of a sudden the little old >man gets a >distant look in his eyes, reaches out and slaps the little >old lady so >hard that SHE falls right off the porch! >She gets up, dusts herself off, sits back down and asks, >"Now what was >THAT for, Frank?" >Her husband answers, "That's for knowing the difference!!" > >-------------------------------------------------- > >A young woman was impressed by the massive Texan in the bar. > >"Pardon me, sir, but can I ask about the measurements of >your >chest. I am amazed." > >"Well, thank you, ma'am. It's 33 inches." >"Wow, around?" >"No, ma'am. Through." > >"Well, then, sir. What about your waist?" >"It's 28 inches." >"Around?" >"No, ma'am. Through." > >"Well, then. One last question, What about the size of your >aah, >private, you know." > >"It's 3 inches!" >"Wow, " said the woman. "Through?!" >"Oh, no, Ma'am. From the floor! >
Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2000
From: Ilana
Subject: Fw: FUN IN THE COMPUTER LAB
> >> ---------- >> > HOW TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE THE >> > BEJEEZUS OUT OF PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB: >> > ___________________________ >> > >> > Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and >> > scream "NO!!! They've found me!" and bolt. >> > >> > Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop >> > and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. >> > >> > Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to >> > you evilly. >> > >> > Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a >> > different screen than the one it's set up with. >> > >> > Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you >> > have it, say "Just in case..." >> > >> > Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone >> > agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your pants and say, "Oops, I >> > forgot." >> > >> > Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the floppy disc drive, >> > when it doesn't work, get the supervisor. >> > >> > Assign a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is A Flat, >> > the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note >> > loudly. Write an entire paper this way. >> > >> > Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse >> > me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard >> > & taking it. >> > >> > Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!" and then >> > calmly sit down and begin to type. >> >
Date: Wed, 21 Jun 2000
From: Ilana
Subject: Fw: PRISON
This one is especialy for my BF.
SMOOCHES!
-- Ilana.
>IN PRISON.........You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. >AT WORK..........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. > >IN PRISON........You get three meals a day. >AT WORK.........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. > >IN PRISON.........You get time off for good behavior. >AT WORK..........You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. > >IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. >AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open >all the doors yourself. > >IN PRISON.........You can watch TV and play games. >AT WORK..........You get fired for watching TV and playing games. > >IN PRISON.........You get your own toilet. >AT WORK..........You have to share. > >IN PRISON.........They allow your family and friends to visit. >AT WORK..........You cannot even speak to your family and friends. > >IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. >AT WORK.........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then >they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners. > >IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from >inside wanting to get out. >AT WORK........ You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go >inside bars. > >IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic. >AT WORK........They are called supervisors. > >IN PRISON.....You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes. >AT WORK...... You get fired if you get caught. > >NOW GET BACK TO WORK YOU LAZY BUGGER !!!
Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2000
From: Cecilia Long
Subject: FW: Barbecue
> Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks > over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big. I bet your > butt is bigger than the barbecue." > > With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and > then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's > bottom. > > "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" > The wife chose to ignore the husband. > > Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky. He makes some > advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. > > "What's wrong?" he asks. > > She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill > for one little weenie?" > >
*grin* This next one, I think, is gonna be my all-time favorite for a looooong time to come . . . :) Enjoy! - Gok
Date: Wed, 21 Jun 2000
From: Ilana
Subject: Fw: A Superhighway Like the Internet
> > > > A Superhighway Like the Internet > > > > Jim Vanderwalker > > > > "Think of the Internet as a highway." > > > > > > There it is again. Some clueless fool talking about the ""Information > > Superhighway." They don't know didley about the net. It's nothing like a > > superhighway. That's a rotten metaphor. > > > > > > Suppose the metaphor ran in the other direction. Suppose the highways > were > > like the net ... > > > > > > A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with pitfalls for potholes. > > Privately > > operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of > > rent-a-cops > > on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member vigilante posses with > nuclear > > weapons. A minimum of 237 on ramps at every intersection. No signs. > Wanna > > get to Ensenada? Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask > > directions. > > Ad hoc traffic laws. Some lanes would vote to make use by a > > single-occupant-vehicle a capital offense on Monday through Friday > between > > 7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just shoot you without a trial for > > talking > > on a car phone. > > > > > > AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking bus with hundreds of ebola victims > on > > board throwing dead wombats and rotten cabbage at the other cars, most > of > > which have been assembled at home from kits. Some are built around 2.5 > > horsepower lawnmower engines with a top speed of nine miles an hour. > > Others > > burn nitrogylcerin and idle at 120. > > > > > > No license plates. World War II bomber nose art instead. Terrifying > > paintings of huge teeth or vampire eagles. Bumper mounted machine guns. > > Flip > > somebody the finger on this highway and get a white phosphorus grenade > up > > your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks cruise around with anti-aircraft missile > > batteries to shoot down the traffic helicopter. Little kids on tricycles > > with squirtguns filled with hydrochloric acid switch lanes without > > warning. > > > > > > NO OFFRAMPS. None. > > > > > > Now that's the way to run an Interstate Highway system. >
Date: Sat, 24 Jun 2000
From: Kat
Subject: A little Sunday drive
Another funny one I found lying about.
Kat
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Date: Sat, 24 Jun 2000
From: Kat
Subject: The Rules of Chocolate
This is the last one. For now, at least.
Kat
Rules of Chocolate
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings...
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000
From: Heike
Subject: useful phrases
EXRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS
1. You! Off my planet!!
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiny-hiney opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood
for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you
missed.
10. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
11. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job
opens up.
12. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
13. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you
realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
14. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil
one.
15. How many times do I have to flush before you go
away?
16. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
17. You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing.
18. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done.
21. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my
friends deep inside the earth.
22. Earth is full. Go home.
23. Is it time for your medication or mine?
24. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
25. How do I set the laser printer to stun?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.