The GOMD

Dedicated to Gok, on the account of Christmas, and to Carrie and hers' for inspiring me

- by SongBird/Manda/Wanderlustlover (wanderlustlover@satx.rr.com), Dec '03

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What is a GOMD, you ask?

Twenty or thirty years ago had you asked me that same question I would have turned bright red as a cherry tomato or a chilly pepper. I would have sputtered in the manner only a dyed-in-the-wool school boy could. But most of all I probably would have told you I didn't know what you were asking about in a tone that belied my embarrassment and the truth.

It's more of a who than a what though truly.

The GOMD is the Girl of My Dreams.

I remember the first time my mother told me about the Girl of My Dreams. I must have been about seven or eight years old and convinced this girl down the way was the one and only radiant star in the sky. She was probably my first crush to tell the truth. Her name was Jaime and I told my mother she would be in my heart and my dreams forever, the way only eight year olds can when first love hits. But my mother sat me down and that amused and caring voice told me about the Girl of my Dreams.

You see, she told me, the Girl of Your Dreams is everything and nothing you'll expect. She's the girl who will crawl into your heart and no matter if she physically leaves, she'll never leave your heart again. You don't have to know her long. You don't have to date her. She doesn't even ever have to know you've fallen head over heels for her. But she'll be in your heart forever and every girl from the moment you meet her will forever be compared to this Girl of Your Dreams.

I thought she was mad or teasing.
I didn't understand till nearly fiftee n years later.

I had been working on Babylon 5 for about two months before it happened. I wasn't anyone special then, just a grunt working security and getting by. Truth was I'd always wanted out to explore something bigger than Earth, but I'd never wanted something much bigger to take care of. I wanted something a friend would later call "simple, yet complex" and Babylon 5 security was all about that.

I was on watch that day like it was any other day when she came on board. Twin pools of liquid copper amid a world of pristine snow wrapped in the fiercest sunset I'd ever seen and surrounded by the colors of life and death. I couldn't breath the entire time in which she entered, passed and left. I didn't know her name or why she'd come to Babylon 5 or where she was going, but I knew one thing. She was the Girl of My Dreams.

And in that one moment she marched into my heart and claimed it for her own.

Then she'd been polished and prepared for the job. She'd been head strong and made her way through crowds like she wasn't even thinking about them. She'd been a floating island among us.

I learned later, after she'd come and gone already, that her name was Lyta Alexander. She was a telepath; a P5 from Psi-Core. The brain of most of our existence's at times, but my heart didn't care. I needed to know all I could of this woman. She'd come to be the resident telepath, but a bad situation had forced her to leave shortly after she'd arrived. A classified mix-up between an assassination attempt and a stow-away.

Besides, if I told you anymore I just might have to kill you.

She appeared once more there before I met her, too. It'd been about two years then that I'd been at Babylon 5. I'd been doing well to rise in the ranks the way I was. Garibaldi had even taken a liking to me it seemed. Nothing too friendly, but he trained me up right and proper. I'd only been off the station three times for vacation in those two years and I'd been due for a forth right about the time she returned to Babylon 5.

I saw her twice before I left that. This radiant light of sunshine even in her kitten skittish terror.

She was running from someone but I didn't know all about even then. She'd come to warn Babylon 5 about a rogue spy that didn't even know they were spying, which was good in our eyes. Next for a ride to mars space thought she was headed somewhere much more dangerous; Vorlon space. Apparently she'd been on the run from Psi-core because she didn't let on about what'd happened during the first incident here.

This was the first time I missed out on speaking to her when I'd planned to. I could blame it on the fact she was leaving, but I blame it more on that fact I was young and nervous and she was after all the Girl of My Dreams.

A year and four bad relationships later she returned again and this time it was like god graced the us with an angel. She wasn't anything like the girl I'd seen before. She was named the first, and only, Vorlon attaché and suddenly a very formal and solid part of the Babylon 5 world. She was amazing. She was bright with life, always had a smile and a skip in her step. If I'd known how to recognize it on her then I would have known she was in love.

It was her most prized secret and one I must now trust you with. Be the Vorlons whatever they may the Girl of my Dreams was in love with one, and she says she gave him all she was; her body, her heart. Don't be mistaken. She was remade before she'd fallen in love, but she fell in love anyway. And he with she, so the tale goes. And all these years later I smile with no jealousy, after all how could you not fall for her. She was a bright and beautiful candle blowing in the dark. She was everything that was passion, pleasure and challenge.

Kosh died while she was away traveling. The scene when she'd returned wasn't pretty. You could see the shattered pieces of her heart clear as day within her eyes. Those broken chocolate colors that melted into utter sadness. Something you couldn't reach down into far enough to heal. And believe me, I tried, because it was around here when I was finally getting to know Lyta. Not that you could get to know much about her then. Her mind and her self was very much an island unto all of us then.

Ulkesh, nothing like Kosh, came in and tried to rape out what last humanity she'd had in her after the death had broken from her. He denied her all human comforts and treated her like less than a pet most of time. And I, for one, do not mourn his death. I don't think any of us really do. I regret the murder, perhaps, but not loss of what he'd done to her. What was left of a self-confidence in her right to be human died along with Kosh and even more with Ulkesh.

But then it was our fault.
Not the aliens. Ours. Babylon 5's fault.

Theirs for using her and never caring to treat her like she was a human being and mine for not speaking up faster when I did notice and didn't do anything. I tried to befriend her, to pat her hand, but I wounded her worse by befriending her and still being too afraid to stir up the general daily by actually taking a stand for her. If I could go back, I would. Why? Because it was worth it and it should have been then. I shouldn't have been afraid.

But I was and I guess I thought even more then that coming out about her situation might reveal to everyone, including her, that she was the Girl of My Dreams. I'd already tried to approach her once and I'd been shied off of. She hadn't even deemed me with a response and I promised to let go of it and say nothing. It wasn't one of my smarter moves considering the situations at the time, but I'd finally decided to go for it and all I could feel then was the breaking of my heart.

I didn't want anyone else. I just wanted her.
And that made the next year even harder.

On top of becoming a resistance fighter for Babylon 5's growing alliance's she fell met another man, Byron Gordon. He was a revolutionary and a leader of another resistance; the telepath one. She became one of his fiercest followers and, to my hearts sadness, his lover. But he didn't do her right in the end either. He martyred himself and left her to take care of his flock while at the same time fending for herself.

I thought I'd lost her completely about now. She was a raging ball of fire and anger ready to point her fury at anyone who even came under her gaze. All that mattered to her was the cause of her people then and nothing else. Through different alliances and pacts she started to fund and organize a bigger under ground revolution than Byron could have ever dreamed of. Or perhaps he knew exactly what she was capable of and it was why he pushed her to it. I'll never know. I'm just glad she's safe from him now.

Elizabeth removed from Babylon 5 after some truly scary power displays and she left with G'Kar. I remember watching her walk away. If I'd thought that her not returning my advances had broken my heart I had once again been fool by fate. Knowing her and watching her walk out of my life for good with no way to stop it, that was the true breaking of my heart.

For five years I lived my life and she fought her war. I got into many short relationships, and one long relationship that turned to engagement, while she founded the formation of a planetary alliance for telepaths. She won a war, and with the failure of my engagement, I finally began my treck toward retirement and the winding down of my life. Or so I thought. It was right at this time that she came back into my life again.

If I thought I'd seen everything before I was definitely in for a show.

She breezed into our lives seeming both meek and calm, and showed herself to be both powerful and unbalanced -- all at once. She had the air of someone who knows how to be a mother and take care, but she still lacked the ability to let everyone, or anyone, take care of her. Instead of being an island, it seemed like the world moved in her wake this time. Like seas parted for her to walk and stars shined for her alone. She was beauty and power and life incarnate.

And she was everything my heart ached for.

I did ended up retiring on the words of a dear friend of both of ours, but settling down and resting was not into the books for me. I followed her to a world universes away that I'd never heard of, to a life I couldn't imagine, and a people I can not even begin to explain to you the beauty. I can't tell you much about them except that they showed me more of my true self and my true heart than anyone ever had. No, it's not because I'd have to kill you then.

It's because she might kill me betraying her most precious treasure.

Well, not really.

....maybe.

What have I learned most from the Girl of my Dreams? That if you give your heart to someone it doesn't matter if they love you back. It's not up to them to deal with the fact you love them. It's up to them to just let themselves be loved. It's up to you to simply love and support and help them be real with themselves. I'm not going to ever be a burden she has to carry like past lovers and friends and allies. I'm simply going to be her friend and love her.

Forever.

I will love her if she sleeps naked this night arms as my lover. I will love her if she never says another word to me. I will love her with my whole heart even if she loves another, and rejoice in her happiness of that love. I will work towards the continual betterment of her dream and that of her people. I will love her if she goes back to traveling the universe and capturing her wildest dreams in stars I never see except in her eyes when and if she tells me of them.

I will love Lyta Alexander till the last second I draw breath.

My mother was right about the Girl of My Dreams and every once in a while I wish she could meet her. She'd be impressed and laugh and tell me I got one I could never hold on to and who my heart would never let go of. She'd smile in a sad fashion that said she doubted she'd get grand children and laugh in a manner that said she was glad I knew real and true love finally.

And for the first time in a very long time I'm okay with that.

Because it's Christmas and Christmas is all about truth.
I love Lyta Alexander and it is the one thing I've always been true to.

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