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From: Aubrey
Subject: FW: Blondes
Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2003

FYS. (For Your Smirking.)

Subject: One Smart Blonde
A blonde replaced all the windows in her house. She had expensive, double-insulated energy efficient windows installed.
Twelve months later she gets a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she has failed to pay for the work done. The blonde replies, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm automatically stupid. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves."

From: Aubrey
Subject: FW: Because I'm a Man (From My Favorite Son)
Date: Wed, 9 Jul 2003

The below list does not apply to me: however, my wife disagrees that assessment..
Aubrey

Subject: Because I'm a Man (From My Favorite Son)

Because I'm a Man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a Man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a Man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a Man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu"; For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a Man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a Man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a Man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a Man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a Man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a Man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a Man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a Man, and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

This has been a public service message for women, to better understand men.

From: Aubrey
Subject: FW: Bad Day?
Date: Wed, 9 Jul 2003 10:16:56 -0400

After reading these, my ribs hurt.
Aubrey

>THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases. 
> 
>Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section 
>of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The 
>deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba 
>tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. 
> 
>A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from 
>massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive 
>identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully 
>clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. 
> 
>It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off 
>the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking 
>to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of 
>helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the 
>ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. 
> 
>You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the 
>Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip 
>bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out 
>of bed. 
>___________________________________________ 
>Still think you're having a bad day? 
> 
>A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in 
>the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally 
>slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was 
>dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. 
> 
>His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut 
>and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She 
>called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large 
>hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics 
>and escort them to her husband. 
> 
>While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to 
>right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up 
>the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the 
>toilet. 
> 
>After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at 
>the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He 
>went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while 
>attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt 
>between his legs. 
> 
>The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her 
>husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his 
>trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she 
>once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was 
>dispatched. 
> 
>As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance 
>they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. 
>They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping 
>the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm. 
>______________________________________________ 
>Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse... 
> 
>The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil 
>spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most 
>expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid 
>cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a 
>killer whale ate them both. 
>_____________________________________________ 
>Still think you are having a bad day? 
> 
>A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking 
>frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire 
>running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt 
>him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy 
>plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he 
>had been happily listening to his Walkman. 
>_______________________________________________ 
>STILL think you're having a bad day? 
> 
>Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of 
>sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two 
>thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, 
>stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death. 
>____________________________________________ 
>What?! STILL having a bad day?? 
> 
>Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter 
>bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting 
>it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, 
>feeling better? 
> 
> 

---

From: Eldeen
Subject: Fwd: Fw: Men VS Women
Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2003

Subject: Men VS Women

Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road.

They pass each other.

Woman yells out window, "P I G !"

Man yells out window, " B I T C H !" Man rounds next curve.

Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.

Thought For The Day : If only men would listen.

---

From: Aubrey
Date: Thu, 7 Aug 2003

I like this one.
Subject: A Good Man (My Hero)

¢ My hero
¢ This is great...A news story from Fox News

In Arizona they are having a heat wave now...hot enough to melt candles, cause dogs to get heat stroke from the pavement....well the inmates are griping how hot and inhumane it is there...they live in tents there since the sheriff...my hero Joe Araphio makes them live in tents and wear pink prison suits...they grip how hot and inhumane it is...and his response????

Joe Arphaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, is not sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and the soldiers are living in tents and they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your mouths."

From: Eldeen Barrett
Subject: Fwd: FW: Off to the Punitentiary for you!
Date: Tue, 12 Aug 2003

Off to the Punitentiary for you!

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

---

From: RhythmWalker1™

TIGER WOODS IN IRELAND

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is. "Top o' the morning to you".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees, " replies Tiger.

"And what wouldya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"'Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive", replies Tiger.

"Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Buick think of everything!"

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