(Things that are starred ** are my most favourites. - Gok)
1. You laugh because I’m different. I laugh because you're all the same.
2. Last night I looked up at the stars and matched each one with a reason why I love you. I was doing great, but then I ran out of stars.
3. The more I get to know guys, the more I like dogs.
4. ~*~One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions~*~
5. Last night I was looking at the stars and I was wondering where the heck is my ceiling! **
6. There's a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it's not a train.
7. I’m an angel! Honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo up straight! **
8. East to the Sea, West to the Land, Death to the girl who Touches my Man!
9. If you want me to fall for you, you have to give me something worth tripping over!
10. He broke my heart, so I broke his jaw. **
11. CLICK YOUR HEELS AND SAY "I NEED A LIFE, I NEED A LIFE!"
12. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF STUPID PEOPLE IN LARGE GROUPS.
13. I WILL NOT CHASE THE BOYS! I WILL NOT CHASE THE BOYS! I WILL NOT CHASE THE BOYS! UNLESS THEY PROVOKE ME!
14. Its not an attitude, its the way I am!
15. Roses are red violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you, but the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
16. SMILE! it scares people...
17. I still miss my ex... but my aim’s improving. **
18. Guys are like Crayons. 64 is better than one.
19. Silence is golden...but shouting is fun!
20. Never underestimate the power of blondes, especially if there is more than one.
21. When all else fails, look cute.
22. It's not called showing off, it's called you being mad because you can't do it!
23. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
24. I'm not a COMPLETE idiot, some parts are missing...
25. My mother told me not to talk to strangers. I never talk to myself anymore. **
26. ~ SMART girls are more interested in having FUN than trying to look perfect ~ **
27. Go away ... I have enough friends already.
28. Learn the rules... then break them!
29. ~ Don't turn your back on your friends... Because it's the best target ~
30. Cats only use their claws in you if you stop petting them nicely ...
~~~~~~~~~~~
Most of the following were adopted from “CityHumor.com” ... :) Thank you!
Rules of Bed Room Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment - normally, one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club into the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as is necessary until the course owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the whole course being played, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring along rain gear, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider a private course.
11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all time. Some players may be embarrassed to find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.
~~~~
Penis Salary
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I work head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Response from the administration:
~~~~
A man is busy screwing his girlfriend on the railway
tracks.
The alert train driver spots the couple miles before.
And immediately starts honking and starts applying the
brakes slowly.
But the couple just ignore it and are happily humping
away.
The driver is damn irritated and just stops a few
yards away from the loving couple.
He jumps down from the engine and rushes towards the
man who has just finished and is zipping up his pants.
The driver is so angry, he starts shouting at the
irresponsible young man, "You idiot, do you realize
that had I not seen you at the right time, this would
have been your last!"
"Hold on...," replies the young man, "Listen, you were
coming and I was coming. But only you had brakes."
~~~~
TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME...
Purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone,
correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast,
forgive, sacrifice for, accessorize, leave, return,
beseech, sublimate, show equality for, spackle,
oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower,
shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe,
brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz,
rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge,
polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up,
hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead,
borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate,
repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm,
allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver,
tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole,
angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle,
elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub,
rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her
places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her
existence, diddle, doodle...
Hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip,
flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide,
slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify,
lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free
world,wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush,
tingle, drip, dry, knead...
Fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow,
dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and
worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME...
~~~~
Ram and Shyam
There were two twins, Ram and Shyam who lived in a
village by the sea.
Ram was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just
so happened that Shyam's wife died the same day Ram's
boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Ram and
mistaking him for Shyam said, "I'm sorry to hear about
your loss. You must feel terrible."
Ram, thinking she was talking about his boat said,
"Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a
rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was
all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead
fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad
crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front
too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and
she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I
rented her to these four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to
use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at
once and she split right up the middle".
Not strangely, the old woman fainted.
~~~~
Elephant Jokes:
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses?
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a plum?
Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
Q: How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
Q: What game do four elephants in a mini play?
Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
Q. The lion, the king of the jungle, decided to have a party. He invited all
the animals in the jungle, and they all came except one. Which one?
Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?
Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge?
Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?
Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water?
Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?
Q: Why do elephants live in herds?
Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
"An elephant is a mouse with an operating system"
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen?
Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW discover?
Q: The Lion (king of the animals) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW?
Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
Q: Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
Q: What is a furry alligator?
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
Q: Why are frogs so short?
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street
wearing pink sweatshirts?
: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed?
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Mercedes?
Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?
Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
Q: Why do elephants float down the river on their backs?
Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
Q: How did Tarzan die?
Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a pickle?
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Q: What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
Q: What is convenient and weighs 20,000 pounds?
Q: What is the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?
Q: What do elephants take when they get hysterical?
Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
Q: How do elephants talk to each other?
Q: Why do elephants have cracks between their toes?
Q: What is grey, has large wings, a long nose, and gives money to elephants?
Q: Where do elephants with skincare problems go?
Q: What's red & white on the outside, and grey on the inside?
Bathroom Light Problems
A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, ''And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?''
Mr. Johnson replies, ''I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!''
The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers.
The doctor tells her, ''Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on...''
Mrs. Johnson yells, ''STEVEN! Daddy's peeing in the refrigerator again!''
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit
other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the
correct protective outfits
* You don't wait till pension age before retiring
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have
completed the day's work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags
Too Busy...
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make
plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support,
feed, tantalize, bathe, humour, placate, stimulate,
jiffylube, stroke, console...
Show up naked.
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance."
A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
A: An elephant is grey.
A: "Look! A herd of plums in the distance." (Jane is colour blind)
A: Two in the front, two in the back.
A: Squash.
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.
1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.
A. The giraffe, because he was still in the fridge.
A: The door won't close.
A: There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.
A: By the footprints in the butter.
A: Wet.
A: One by one.
A: So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.
A: No, of course not.
A: To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.
A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
A: Because it was dead.
A: It was glued to the first one.
A: It thought it was a game.
A: It thought it was an elephant.
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.
A: Chicken's day off.
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the
fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back.
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.
A: There's a VW parked outside it.
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge, A
fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.
A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO.
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!
A: The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.
A: Depends on the size of the elephants.
A: The sun roof.
A: They were stuck in the VW.
A: None, the elephants are in there.
A: Optimistic!
A: Free Parking.
A: Sole use of the elevator.
A: It's bike is outside.
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas...
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
A: Parachute him from an airplane.
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
A: A bear that went into the woods at 3 o'clock.
A: From stamping out forest fires.
A: From stamping out flaming ducks.
A: To fit on lily pads.
A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.
A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence...")
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
A: No! Well, it must work.
A: They're all on the same team.
A: He has a big 'E' on his pajamas jacket pocket.
A: Take away his credit card.
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".
A: Lots of room.
A: A dead ant.
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.
A: An elephant with spare parts.
A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!
A: Smokey the Elephant.
A: You miss most of the picture!
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.
A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.
A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead!
A: Cinderelephant.
A: So they won't get their tennis shoes wet.
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait until Autumn.
A: To hide in cherry trees.
A: Picking cherries.
A: Their color of course!
A: Big holes all over Australia.
A: Cold ones.
Because they'd look silly carrying suitcases.
A: An elephant six-pack.
A: About three thousand miles.
A: Trunkquilizers.
A: You can't make a paper airplane out of an elephant.
A: By 'elephone.
A: For carrying their library cards.
A: The Tusk Fairy.
A: Pachydermatologists.
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup
