"Hug me, I'm adorable!" Scamper back to My Nest or:
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Date: Mon, 14 Oct 2002
From: "Chris"
Subject: OT: Terms that have been updated
Hey guys,
I was over at the Jeepaholic forum and saw this posted. I think it's pretty funny.
CEO: chief embezzlement officer.Oh, it's kinda true about our times too.CFO: corporate fraud officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
Later,
Chris the Texan Scribe
From: Eldeen
Date: Oct 15, 2002
Subject: Fwd: [Fwd: Fw: WHY GOD GIVES US CHILDREN]
> Subject: WHY GOD GIVES US CHILDREN > > > Whenever your children are out of control, you can > take comfort from the thought that even God's > omnipotence did not extend to his own children. > > > After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam > and Eve. > > And the first thing he said was, "Don't." > > "Don't what?" Adam replied. > > "Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said. > > "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve > ... we have forbidden fruit!" > > "No way!" > > "Yes, way!" > > "Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God. > > " Why?" > > "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God > replied (wondering why he hadn't stopped creation > after making the elephants). > > A few minutes later, God saw his children having an > apple break and he was ticked! "Didn't I tell you > not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, > asked. > > "Uh huh," Adam replied. > > "Then why did you?" said the Father. > > "I don't know," said Eve. > > "She started it!" Adam said. > > "Did not!" > > "Did too!" > > "DID NOT!" > > Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment > was that Adam and Eve should have children of their > own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never > changed! But there is reassurance in this story. If > you have persistently and lovingly tried to give > children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be > hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising > children, what made you think it would be a piece of > cake for you? > > > > Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and > you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin > bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from > children." > > > > You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching > them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 > telling them to sit down and shut up. > > > > Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your > children. > > > > Cleaning your house while your kids are still > growing is like cleaning the driveway before it has > stopped snowing. > > > > Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young. > > > > I asked Mom if I was a gifted child ... she said > they certainly wouldn't have paid for me. > > > > The main purpose of holding children's parties is to > remind yourself that there are children more awful > than your own. > > > > We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're > still getting in! > > > > Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing > home. >
Date: Tue, 15 Oct 2002
From: arisia
Subject: OT: Where's the Secretary
Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat a secretary!"
From: Snowdog (Nerf/Jennifer)
Subject: The Package That Couldn't Be Mailed
Date: Fri, Oct 18, 2002
Once upon a time, there was a package. This package was excited because it was going on a trip far away to the Great White North. Its sender gave the package to her father to mail as it would be more convenient for her. But trouble awaited the little package!First, the sender only had a PO Box for the package to go to. The UPS wouldn’t send the package to a PO Box. The little package was very sad. =( Then, the sender gave her father a physical address. A-ha! The package was sure to be sent now! But it wasn’t meant to be… UPS couldn’t recognize the zip code! It seemed like the little package would never get to go on the trip.
Finally, the sender took matters into her own hands. She took the package to the post office… and was finally able to mail it! There was great rejoicing in the land (yay!)
Jennifer
*********************************************
"Nefarious Nerf! High Commander of the Militant Branch of the Three-Cheese Blend!"
~~~~
From: "Heather RaeLynn"
Subject: Re: The Package That Couldn't Be Mailed
Date: Sat, 19 Oct 2002
... and they all lived happily ever after, eh?
;)
(UPS didn't recognise the zip code???????)
Bugger UPS then. :p
- Gok (but only if they're cute!)
~~~~
Yes, they lived happily ever after =)
They couldn't recognize the zip code cause I thought the 0 was a O. :-) The post office sent it much cheaper though... you should have it in 4 - 7 days, barring any search by customs. ;-)
Jennifer
~~~~
*********************************************************
Subject: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It came back!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, so I came home and guess what’s on my porch… Your BAMF dolly!! :-( :-( Apparently your post office doesn’t recognize your address. I’ll have to try again after pay-day. ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
*********************************************************
----Original Message Follows----
From: "Heather RaeLynn"
To: SnowDog66
Subject: BAMF DOLLY!!!! :D
Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2002
HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE FINALLY!!!
He is SOOOOO cute! Thank you! :D
... and yes, I think that orangitang on the card IS wearing pink lip gloss. :D
My dolly is here!!!! Happy happy joy joy!! :D
Thank you SOOOOOOO much!!!! Best christmas gift yet (yeah I've been opening them early, hehehe)! :D
:D *HUGZ*
~~~~~
BEHOLD, the power of CHEESE!
- Amazing Gok! of the Three-Cheese Blend (AGotTCB)
Support the International Cheese Team for the Defense of Bad Puns Everywhere!
From: Nerf
Subject: Re: BAMF DOLLY!!!! :D
Date: Wed, 25 Dec 2002
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!
I'm so glad you like him! =) =)
*is SOOOOOOOOO thankful she doesn't have to mail it again*
Jennifer
*********************************************
"Nefarious Nerf! High Commander of the Militant Branch of the Three-Cheese Blend!"
.
"Hug me, I'm adorable!"
From: Aubrey
Date: Oct 18
Subject: Boots
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and cream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
Her trial starts next week.
MORE JOKES
Date: Mon, 28 Oct 2002
From: Angelique
Subject: Re: Zathras' storythis is very good, very cute and imaginative.....
Zathras not the One wrote:
Following Frieda's lead, Zathras posts his story here (ensuring that someone will readings it). As Zathras said earlier, many humorous situations were scrapped to meet the word count, but this generally fits the tone Zathras was lookings for:
**************************************************************
The Date is October 31, 2259. The place: Babylon 5.TRICKS AND TREATS
“How about that one?”
His mother pointed to a rubber mask resembling a Drazi. Tommy found himself staring at the innocuous human mask hanging next to it. His brow furrowed.
“It’s just a Drazi. It’s not very.... Halloween-ish.”
On cue, the shopkeeper approached and said, “Never mind that. I got somethin’ you’re gonna love.”
------------------------------------------
“You’re a wizard,” his father surmised.“I’m a Techno-mage,” Tommy corrected. “And they’re better than wizards because they’re REAL! The guy at the Zocolo said hundreds of them came here and that’s where he got the idea to make the costumes.”
He looked at Tommy, dressed in a black tunic adorned with what looked like printed circuits, a leather hooded cape, and sporting a crooked staff topped with an imbedded crystal.
He was extremely skeptical.“That’s great. So does that bald cap go with it?”
-----------------------------------------
“Fan-fraggin-tastic!” Tommy crowed as he started down the corridor. His father was the new agricultural envoy to the Brakiri. That clearance allowed Tommy to roam the entire station, except Brown Sector, which his parents had forbidden. The first door he approached was labeled STRACZ…. something. He was about to push the chime when he saw the sign posted under the card slot.NO KIDS. NO ROBOTS.
NO STORY IDEAS.
NO SOLICITING!!
Tommy backed away and decided he’d go straight to the Alien Sector – the air breathing ones, anyway. Maybe they’d be friendly.
-----------------------------------------
BoodooBEEP!“WHAT IS IT?”
BoodooBEEP!
The door swung open and Tommy stood face to leg with a large Narn wearing a casual robe. He could hear female voices and muffled laughter emanating from another room. The door panel had read: G’KAR.
“Trick or treat!” shouted Tommy.
“What can I do for you? I am very…. busy,” the Narn said disinterestedly.
“It’s Halloween,” Tommy responded. Silence. “…. An Earth custom?”
G’Kar fixed the boy with a baleful red stare. “And you want…. A treat?” G’Kar reached into his robe pocket, withdrew a paid or lace underwear and dropped them into Tommy’s bucket.
“There you go. A gift for your mother. Now go away.”
The door swung shut, leaving Tommy to stare disbelievingly at the contents of his bucket.
I’m counting that one as a trick, he thought dejectedly.Further down the corridor, Tommy stopped at a door labeled MOLLARI. He pushed the chime and hoped for the best.
-----------------------------------------
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Great Maker! SAVE ME!”
The guy with the crazy hair ran about five steps from the door, then stopped and spun on his heel, puffing out his chest like some giant strutting bird.
“Trick or treat?” Tommy croaked.
“HOW DARE YOU? This is some kind of sick joke, yes?” Mollari said with a pained mixture of bravado and embarrassment.
“Aw, come on Mollari. Give the kid some candy,” said the smiling, well-dressed man seated across the room.
“CANDY? Gods! Look at me! I am humiliated! I have nearly soiled myself at the sight of this.... microscopic Techno-mage!”
“Just send him on his way and we’ll finish our arrangements.”
Mollari looked desperate. “Swear to me that you will not speak of this, this.... incident with your associates.”
Tommy heard a strange buzzing sound near the other man’s head, followed by an almost imperceptible nod. “Of course, Ambassador.” He suppressed a chuckle. “Your secret’s safe.” He winked at Tommy.
Mollari was flustered. “Well, for you then, Mister Morden.”
Londo crossed the room to an ornate credenza and retrieved a small box. He bent down and waved it like a dog treat in front of the boy.
“Here, you little monster! You will like these. They are laced with alcohol.”
He tossed the box into the bucket. “Feh! Good-BYE!”
The door swung shut, to Tommy’s relief. Something bad was going on in there.
----------------------------------------------
“Whoa,” Tommy gasped at the sight of…. well, he didn’t know. But whatever it was, it had the coolest costume he’d ever seen. It was also blocking his path.
“Hi,” Tommy said. “What are you supposed to be?”
“KOSH,” it said in a voice echoing with the sound of chimes, wheezes, and disembodied whispers.
“Whoa,” Tommy repeated, enthralled. “You want to Trick-or-Treat” with me?”
It loomed over Tommy, the eye aperture on its encounter suit narrowing for a closer inspection.“WE MEET AT THE HOUR OF SCAMPERING.”
Baffled, Tommy asked, “Is that a yes?”
“YES”
“Great!” Tommy cheered. “But I haven’t had much luck here. Blue Sector’ll have better treats. You like Tootsie Rolls?”
“YES”
Alright! Let’s go!”---------------------------------
Date: Tue, 29 Oct 2002
From: "James Green"
Subject: Re: Amazing> That was NOT funny!
May I define "bad taste."
a. take several boxes of vanilla jello
b. Mix and cook with white and pink food coloring. ( or add some vanilla pudding to plain jello )
c. pour in brain jello mold
d. place in clean unused formalin jar from lab
e. fill with dilute apple juice
f. Apply Psi Corps symbol
g. Apply morgue lable with "Talia Winters"
h. Place outside door on Halloween with large spoon
i. Let the fun begin !!!If you wish a taste or a look at my other Halloween creations stop by.
jim
PS: I might not be one of the beautiful people, the smartest, or the strongest, but when it comes to puns and bad taste, I have no equal !!!
From: Eldeen
Date: Nov 5th
> : > > > > ----- Original Message ----- > Sent: Tuesday, November 05, 2002 8:14 AM > > > Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail > as a necessary > part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it > would be like if God > decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and > hearing the following: > > Thank you for calling heaven. > > For English press 1 > > For Spanish press 2 > > For all other languages, press 3 > > Please select one of the following options: > > Press 1 for request > > Press 2 for thanksgiving > > Press 3 for complaints > > Press 4 for all others > > > I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy > helping other sinners right now. However, your > prayer is important to us and we will answer it in > the order it was received. Please stay on the line. > If you would like to speak to: > > God, press 1 > > Jesus, press 2 > > Holy spirit, press 3 > > To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven > press 5, then enter > his social security # followed by the pound sign. > (If you receive a negative response, please > hang up and dial area code 666) > > For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN > followed by the numbers, 316. > > For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, > life and other planets, please wait until you arrive > in heaven for the specifics. > > Our computers show that you have already been prayed > for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow. > > The office is now closed for the weekend to observe > a religious holiday. > > If you are calling after hours and need emergency > assistance, please contact your local pastor. > > Thank you and have a heavenly day. > > >
From: Eldeen
Date: Nov 5th
Re: Thoughts of WonderSubject: Thoughts Of Wonder :)
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze those dangly things, and drink whatever comes out"?
Why do all toasters have a setting that burns toast to a crisp which no decent human being would ever eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix the hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme junk, why didn't he just buy something to eat?
If quizzes are quizzical, are tests, testical?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but they call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
----------
Date: Thu, 7 Nov 2002
From: "Cecilia"
Subject: OT - Fire Detector From HellI haven't written in a while, but thought that along with my appreciation of the 'new and used' fiction that has recently been appearing on this venerable list, I thought I'd send along my 'adventure' from this morning.
********
Thought you'd enjoy this. It's been a harrowing morning. What is it with me and fire detectors?
This morning about 5 AM I was awakened by the beeping of the detector in my bedroom. It was just doing a slow beep - you know, when the batteries are low? Well, it wasn't very loud, it was only beeping about once every five minutes, it was COLD in the house, and I was nice and warm and cuddly under the covers - so I pulled the pillow over my head and tried to go back to sleep.
Next thing I know, the beep is getting progressively louder. Each beep is louder than the one before it, and by this time there's no way I can ignore the thing. So, I get out of my warm bed and wander over to the wall. I'm still half asleep. Oops, can't reach the darn thing. Decide through the fog in my mind that I need something to stand on. Right. Find the stepstool. Try to remember where the darn thing was. Stumble around the house until I find it. Pick it up and stumble back to the bedroom.
Damn! Managed to get it partway off the wall, but can't reach the top clip - and it won't budge. Fall off the stepstool (luckily without hurting myself) and wander the house looking for something taller. Finally grab a dining room chair. The beeping is getting earsplitting by this time and I'm still not completely awake. Drag the chair into the bedroom doorway, knocking over the stepstool. Finally get the demonic thing off the wall. Whew! Success. Get one battery out. Can't seem to pry the second one out. Pooh! It's still beeping with only one battery. Getting desperate by this time. Mind STILL isn't kicking on all cylinders. Ah, a pair of tweezers. Manage to pry out the other battery. Sigh mightily and stumble back to the bed.
Just as I'm finally warming up ... BEEEEEP! Huh? I took the batteries out of the darn thing. What's going on. I seem to have the fire detector from hell - it's still beeping without any power! Have the dungeon dimensions poked a hole into our reality? What's up?
Now the darn thing has stopped beeping and is going into steady screeching mode. OW! Hurts the ears! Want to get up and just stomp the wretched thing to death, but will it die? Or will I just manage to annoy it even more? It's GOT to be alive, how else can it be functioning without it's batteries?
Think Celia. Damn! There isn't any coffee - at this point I'd gulp a cold cup - just to jump start the brain. Think...think...think... Ah, maybe if I put in NEW batteries? Stumble into the office, fervently praying that I've got some 9-volt batteries stashed in the desk. Eureka! There's three of them. Grab two and rush back to the bedroom.
Now I can't get the batteries into the blankety-blank thing. JUST STOP SCREAMING AT ME AND MAYBE I CAN THINK! It's so cold my fingers are shaking.
Hmmm. Rush back to the office and grab an afghan and manage to wrap myself into it. Of course, I manage to trip on the way back to the bedroom. The batteries STILL won't go in. Okay, no more nice guy. Batteries, you are going into this demonic device whether you want to or not - even if I have to get a hammer to accomplish the deed.
Aha! Scared at least one of the little buggers and it finally slips into place. Blessed release! The constant screaming has changed to a beep only every ten seconds - I know, I started counting while trying to intimidate the cowardly battery's brother into capitulation. It finally slips in. Silence. Then a series of short, quiet beeps - then nothing to hear except my poor chattering teeth!
Back to my nice warm bed - except it isn't nice and warm any more! [SIGH!]
Celia
Date: Sat, 9 Nov 2002
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT: Mammogram ExercisesSubject: Mammogram Exercises
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in your home!
EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for 5 seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective.EXERCISE TWO:
Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all of your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a total stranger into the room. Ask the stranger to press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.YOU ARE NOW TOTALLY PREPARED!
Date: Sun, 10 Nov 2002
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT: Short jokeWhat goes "Oooooooh?"
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.A cow with no lips
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