Date: Sat, 1 Jun 2002
From: "Red Wulf"
Subject: Re: Re: Blondes
Well since everyone else wants to tell blonde jokes I'll have to tell Brunette jokes.
What is the difference between a brunette and a trash can.
The trash gets taken out at least once a week.
Jesse
Date: Sun, 2 Jun 2002
From: indystargazer
Subject: Re: Digest Number 552
I never thought I would see this on a por...uh adult site. :-)
REASONS WHY STAR WARS IS BETTER THAN TITANIC
-Titanic's big, but it does not have HYPERDRIVE.
-Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential.
-Yoda could use the force to lift the Titanic out of the water.
-Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and jedi material;
Rose is just marriage bait.
-Ewoks through better parties than either first class or steerage.
-When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say "Look at the size
of that thing!" and really mean it.
-It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving
madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a hand gun.
-Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic
characters. Star wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to
admiral.
-Said bug-eyed amphibious admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.
-We know Cal is a bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats
his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vadar is the bad guy because
he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.
-Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?
-Rose braves icy waters to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the
hutt.
-Two words: John Williams
-There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.
-Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "Kings of the
world"?
-If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship,
he would use the force to get the key.
-"I'd rather be his wh*** than your wife" just doesn't have the
same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."
-Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo
simply freezes.
-We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated
"Luke...I am your father" ?
-Han Solo would've missed the darn iceberg!
Date: Wed, 5 Jun 2002
From: arisia
Subject: OT: Male and Female Nouns
From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions:
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Date: Thu, 06 Jun 2002
From: Sarah
Subject: Thought you might be amused by this.
From David Langford's "Ansible" newsletter, edition 179, June 2002.
J.Michael Straczynski was tickled to learn that his unfavourite UK fan Bryan Cooney (of Wolf 359 con-running infamy) had posed as a courier to sneak into Bridge Studios, Vancouver, where Jeremiah and Stargate are filmed, and was twice ejected with extreme prejudice after begging actors to sign photographs. `So outrageous was the situation that, apparently, whatever minor franchise license he had has been revoked by MGM, and by orders of those at Stargate if he attempts to slip onto the lot again he will be arrested on sight.' JMS deeply regrets that `all this happened within 100 yards of my office on the lot, and I was completely unaware of it until the email came, and I was then able to verify the situation with those directly involved. For this I would've set up a lawn chair on the grounds and sold tickets....' [AH]
Take care
Sarah
Date: Fri, 14 Jun 2002
From: arisia
Subject: OT: Killer Biscuits, it's not what you think!
Killer Biscuits wanted for attempted murder (this is the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and... while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Some people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of the head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
~~~~
My cousin sent this to me and I thought you all would like it! LOL!!!
Arisia
Date: Fri, 14 Jun 2002
From: Frieda
Subject: Older than Dirt?
I'm older than dirt. *sigh*
*******************************************
Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember - not the ones you were told about!
Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive _6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi_fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0_5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6_10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11_15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16_25 = You're older than dirt!
Frieda
-----------
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity.
And I'm not sure about the universe."
Albert Einstein
Date: Sun, 16 Jun 2002
From: "Nielsen"
Subject: Re: Re: What do You Want? ( in your B5 DVD )
>Engineers tend to be problem solvers. We see a problem and try to
>fix it.
An engineer explained it to me as:
Some people see the glass as half empty
Others see it as half full.
Engineers see it as twice as big as it needs to be.
Ranger Nielsen
> > > > > > > > >HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE NEXT PLANNED "SURVIVOR" > SHOW ?????? > > > > > > > > >* 6 married men will be dropped on an island with > 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. > > > > > > > > >* Each kid plays two sports and either takes > music or dance classes. > > > > > > > > >* There is no access to fast food. > > > > > > > > >* Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his > assigned house > > >clean, correct all homework, complete science > projects, cook, do laundry, etc. > > > > > > > > >* The men only have access to television when the > kids are asleep and > > >all chores are done. There is only one TV between > them and there is no remote. > > > > > > > > >* The men must shave their legs and wear makeup > daily, which they must > > >apply themselves, either while driving or while > making four lunches. > > > > > > > > >* They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up > after their sick > > >children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model > with six toothpicks, a > > >tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to > eat a serving of peas. > > > > > > > > >* The kids vote them off the island, based on > performance. > > > > > > > > >* The last man wins only if he has enough energy > to be intimate with > > >his spouse at a moment's notice. > > > > > > > > >* If the last man does win, he can play the game > over and over again > > >for the next 18-25 years - eventually earning the > right to be called > > >"Mother". > > > > > > > > >
From Miga: June 21st
this is one of the funniest things i've read in a long time:
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
Day 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
Day 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - OOOOOOOH. BATH. BUMMER!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
DAY 184
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking. Almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.
DAY 185
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 186
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 187
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 188
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time....
From Eldeen: June 21st
> ----- > Sent: Friday, June 21, 2002 7:16 AM > Subject: A Friday smile > > > Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers: > > FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. > 8 YEARS OLD. > HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. > ---------------------------------- > FREE PUPPIES: > 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL > 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG > ----------------------------- > FREE PUPPIES... > PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, > PART STUPID DOG > ------------------------------ > GERMAN SHEPHERD > 85 lbs.NEUTERED. > SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. > ------------------------------------- > FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. > LOOKS LIKE A RAT... > BEEN OUT AWHILE.. > BETTER BE REWARD. > ----------------------------------- > 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer > ---------------------------- > SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... > ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. > ------------------------------- > COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... > ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. > ----------------------------------- > NORDIC TRACK $300 > HARDLY USED, > CALL CHUBBY > ------------------------------------- > HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - > "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" > ---------------------------------------- > GEORGIA PEACHES > CALIFORNIA GROWN > - 89 cents lb. > ------------------------------------------ > NICE PARACHUTE: > NEVER OPENED > - USED ONCE > ------------------------------------------- > TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? > WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND > FLEXIBLE HOURS. > STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR. > ------------------------------------------- > EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: > QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175. > ------------------------------------------ > JOINING NUDIST COLONY! > MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. > ------------------------------------------ > OPEN HOUSE > BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON > FREE COFFEE & DONUTS > ------------------------------------- > (AND THE BEST ONE) > FOR SALE BY OWNER > Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 > volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best > offer. No longer needed. Got married > last weekend. Wife knows everything. >
Date: Mon, 24 Jun 2002
From: "Cecilia"
Subject: FW: IRS humor
> > 1. Post Office just recalled their newest stamps: > > They had pictures of IRS agents on them, and people couldn't figure > > out which side to spit on. > > > > 2. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only > > save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper? > > > > 3. What do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement? > > Not enough cement. > > > > 4. What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents? > > Skeet. > > > > 5. What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent? > > His co-workers. > > > > 6. What's brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent? > > A Doberman. > > > > 7. What's the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito? > > One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect. > >
From Gok (ME!): June 26th
This one I just thought up.
Q. What's the difference between a red-headed woman who's having her period and a terrorist?
A. You can negociate with a terrorist.
:D
Funny Sites!
Date: Wed, 17 Jul 2002
From: "Garibaldi's Cat"
Subject: OT and Warped and Tasteless: Toilet Humor
1. The Ghost PooHeike
The kind of poo where you feel it come out and you know you have done it but when it comes to wipe there's nothing on the toilet paper and there is no poo in the toilet...Where does it go?
2. The Clean Poo
The sort of poo which is so smooth and streamlined that it virtually falls out of your bottom. You can see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
3. The Hot-Tar Poo
The kind of poo that even after 50 wipes you are still getting staining on the paper, so you have to put some bog role between your bum cheeks and in your underwear to prevent skid-marks.
4. The Second-Thoughts Poo
Just as you think you have finished your poo and have painstakingly wiped yourself clean and pulled your pants to the knee, you realise there is still more poo to come.
5. The Lincoln Log Poo
The kind of poo that is so huge you're afraid that it will not flush down the toilet unless you break it up into little pieces with a stick. This poo only happens at someone else's house.
6. The Sweetcorn Poo
Self explanatory
7. The Wish I Could Poo Poo
You really feel as if you need to poo but every time you try, all you manage is a couple of farts.
8. The Fisherman's Bobber or Floating Poo
You do your poo and flush several times but there are still several fun size peices above the waterline.
9. The Sidebirth (or the Boo Hoo) Poo
This poo hurts so much that you swear its coming out sideways - your eyes water and you will probably need stitches after it.
From: Eldeen
Date: July 24th
> Subject: saying grace > > Saying Grace... > Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My > six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we > bowed our heads he said, "God is good. God is great. > Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you > more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And > Liberty and justice for all! Amen!" > Along with the laughter from the other customers > nearby I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong > with this country. Kids today don't even know how to > pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!" > Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, > "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him > and assured him that he had done a terrific job and > God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly > gentleman approached the table. > He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that > God thought that was a great prayer. "Really?" my > son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then > in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the > woman whose remark had started this whole thing), > "Too bad she never asks God for > ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul > sometimes." > Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of > the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then > did something I will remember the rest of my life. > He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked > over > and placed it in front of the woman; With a big > smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream > is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good > already." > The End > I loved this story! Please keep it moving. Sometimes > we all need some ice cream. > AMEN!!!!!!!!!! > > >
From: Eldeen
Date: July 24th
> > Subject: The Most Intelligent Man in Canada > > > > > > > > > > THE MOST INTELLIGENT MAN IN CANADA > > > Five people were travelling by air, the captain > came on the intercom, and > > > said that the plane was going to crash in a few > moments and that there were > > > only four parachutes, so the passengers would > have to quickly decide among > > > them which four were to survive. > > > > > > Michael Jordan stood up and said "I am the > best basketball player in the > > > world, my team has a championship game to-night, > I have to be there so > > > that my team will win" He put on a parachute > and jumped out. > > > Hillary Clinton stood up and said "I am the > wife of a former President of > > > the United States, I am a Senator, I am the most > ambitious woman in the > > > world, I will be the next President" Out she > went. > > > > > > Jean Chretien stood up and said. " I am the > most intelligent man in > > > Canada, I am the Supreme Leader, I must survive > or Canada is doomed" he went out the door. > > > > > > A elderly Priest stood up and said to the other > remaining passenger, who > > > was a young boy of ten. > > > "Son, I am a old man, I have lived a good life > and am prepared to meet my > > > maker, you are young and have your whole life > ahead of you. You take the > > > remaining parachute and save your self" > > > The young boy said to the Priest "That's OK > father, there are still two > > > parachutes, the most intelligent man in Canada > took my backpack." > > > > > > > > >
Note: I, Gok, dedicate this next joke to RedWulf. He knows why!
Date: Wed, 24 Jul 2002
From: Cecilia
Subject: FW: Guide to Forever Knight Mary Sue Fanfiction (1/1)
This message has been forwarded with permission from the author. While her version deals with Forever Knight, it is VERY applicable to other generes. If you like it, let her know. I know she would love it.
Take our favorite show/s and use the character examples and make our own examples to play with! ;-)
Please do not forward on to other lists without checking with her. I'm sure she wouldn't mind, but it is a courtesy.
Subject: Guide to Forever Knight Mary Sue Fanfiction (1/1)*A guide to writing Forever Knight "Mary Sue" Fanfiction*
by Sunny LaCountessIt is every fanfiction writer's dream to be able to write the perfect Mary Sue story with all the delightful, interesting traits such a character has to offer. Only, it isn't always easy to construct something as literally challenging and aesthetically pleasing as Mary Sue, and sometimes, ambitious writers just fall short in capturing all the fine nuances this characters demands, Forever Knight writers not being exempt. In order to remedy that and help the motivated FK writer create the ideal Mary Sue, here is a short guide on how to write such fiction:
*Looks*: First and foremost, there is a general false belief that Mary Sue must be beautiful, smart and sexy. This is the main pitfall that threatens the ambitious Mary Sue writer. One must always remember that in order to create a good Mary Sue one shouldn't necessarily describe her as pretty or intelligent in the story. The key is that the other characters must think that way. It is sufficient that the hero, and the rest of the cast, believe that she is beautiful, sexy and more skilled than anyone else. They should consult her wisdom in every turn and constantly remind each other how lucky they are to have her around. To explicitly describe her as pretty, slim and highly educated runs the risk of distancing her from the persona of the author, which defies the whole purpose of Mary Sue and is not suited for a professional Mary Sue writer.
*Name*: Another important aspect of Mary Sue is her name. Ordinary names should never be used for a Mary Sue character. Use the most unusual, most foreign names you have heard, like Kaiy, or Shaunha or make sure it is spelled in a weird way (Jenyfer, Lyssa...). In some cases, it's better to invent a name. Just remember that most of the traditional Mary Sue names start with either 'K' or 'Sh', but names like 'Alexis' and 'Lorain' are also heard of.
*Character interaction*: An important part of a good Mary Sue story is the way other characters interact with her. This is very essential since, as I already mentioned, the unique qualities and virtues of Mary Sue are spelled out by them and hence, a writer must always know how to construct each character's interaction with her distinctive and central personality. Since I'm writing this for the Forever Knight writers, I'll use the Forever Knight characters to explain the relations. For fiction other than FK, please replace these characters with their respective equivalents.
Nick - This is our hero and it is not necessary to mention that he must be smitten by Mary Sue. His life was half complete before she stepped into it and became the shining sun in his dark cold night. To him, she is the most beautiful, most dazzling, amazing, wise and gentle woman in the whole world and all they both want is to be left alone so they can enjoy their eternal love in each other's arms.
Natalie - She meets Mary Sue through Nick and is amazed at how Nick could have had such a smart, attractive and adorable friend, and have never told her about her. She is astonished at how much Mary Sue knows about her line of profession and decides to swap notes with her. They eventually have a heart to heart talk about Nick in which Mary Sue enlightens her with her extensive knowledge about Nick's persona, a result of their long, steaming relationship in the past.
LaCroix - There are a lot of possibilities for his character based on how the story is constructed. He could be another one of her suitors, a rival for Nick (one must always remember that all the male characters in the story, one way or another, desire Mary Sue. This is of no surprise. After all, who can resist her charms?) or he can be her fiercest enemy, angry at her because she seems to be always one step ahead of him. Or, he can be both, first hating her and wanting to do the worst harms to her while the others frantically try to protect their dearest friend, then they all find out that in reality, the general was deeply in love with Mary Sue and it was his secret love for her that had driven him to extremes.
Janette - Many possible scenarios for this character too. She, like Natalie, can be in awe of Mary Sue trying her best to win her friendship, which wouldn't come easy since Mary Sue is so much better than her. She can also be scared of Mary Sue due to a long ago experience that had taught her a lesson not to mess with the all mighty one. She can even be an enemy and try to defeat her only to learn, in the end, that she's no match for the power of her intelligence and beauty.
Schanke - Two words, Great Cooking. Mary Sue can win this big boy's heart by preparing him the best meal he has ever tasted. In addition to being hit in the head by her amazing natural beauty and her smooth ways, donut Don can't remember having tasted any dish more delicious than this talented lady's. He comments on its quality as he stuffs his face and congratulates Nick on having such a great girlfriend while making him promise to keep her forever.
The Captains - They are basically in the same boat as Schanke but eliminate the food. They eventually will require her wisdom and talent to solve an unsolvable case that has had the whole precinct on their toes for the past year. She is then declared the heroine of the day and forced to accept the honor, which she does, reluctantly, since she is a very shy person and tired of everyone telling her all the time just how great she is.
Vachon - In case it is a third season story you can have Vachon in it as well and even replace Nick with him. He can otherwise be a rival for Nick since he, too, has crossed paths with Mary Sue sometime in the past. She can be his guiding light to a better life. The beauty who mesmerises him but at the same time, teaches him how to come out of his constant slumber and get a grip of his life.
Urs - She needs Mary Sue as a role model, a bigger sister who can give her support and provide a shoulder for her to cry on while murmuring wise words into her ear. Urs can't imagine how she had lived without Mary Sue before. No wonder she was so miserable and on the verge of suicide. But now, thanks to her reassuring presence, she has found new courage to face the world.
Screed - This ugly, unkempt creature loves the kind, beautiful lady who treats him so well, as if he is a human being too and deserving of kindness. Screed, being a man after all, secretly harbours Mary Sue's love in his heart, but since he knows that a lovely creature such as her would never go for a rat eater like him, he keeps his love to himself and secretly admires her from afar.
*Types of Mary Sue*: Depending on the nature of your story and how you like your Mary Sue, there are different roles she can play as the main character. Here is a list of the types of Mary Sue you can have in your story:
The lover Mary Sue: She and Nick are in love and don't hesitate to indulge in it. You can fill your entire story up to the rim with their love scenes from romantic candle light dinners to hot sweaty sex.
The Warrior Mary Sue: She can be a vampire, even an Enforcer, or Elder, or both, who has come to bring justice to the good and punish the bad. Make sure she rescues (or protects) Natalie at least a couple of times.
The victim Mary Sue: She's gone through a lot at LaCroix's hand. Or she is LaCroix's lover but since Nick loves her too, and she loves him back, she's threatened, or injured, or even killed by LaCroix. She can also be just a victim of LaCroix or another evil being because she's so important.
The dating-service Mary Sue: She's basically a very important person who's main objective in life is to fix Nick and Nat's relationship. Most of the time, she knows more about them than they do themselves.
The indestructible Mary Sue: She just keeps coming back, and coming back and coming back. Commonly seen in series' stories.
The flashback Mary Sue: She has been Nick's greatest love in the long ago past and he still isn't over her. She can change into any of the other types if the writer decides to bring her back.
The evil Mary Sue: Fairly rare but seen. This Mary Sue essentially starts off on the wrong side, but her absolutely amazing skills and knowledge attract the good guys to her and they make her eventually realize her wrongness and turn toward the good side. She then betrays her evil employees and becomes the saviour of all before falling into Nick's/Vachon's/LaCroix's arms.
*Final Note*: Mary Sue is a very valuable genre and we all must do our best to keep it alive. One of the important things required for this survival is that the author of a Mary Sue piece must never know she's writing one. This is essential for a Mary Sue story to be written. The best Mary Sue characters are written by authors who don't even know they are writing them. I know this theory contradicts the whole purpose of this paper but truth must be told. However, if you ever happen to write a Mary Sue story and know about it, make sure you refer to this guide and keep one thing in mind: you are writing this story primarily for your own enjoyment. You are the one who should support and be proud of Mary Sue and if someone replies to your story saying that it was Mary Sue, be proud, raise your head and tell them you are contributing to an age-old tradition that had been around since the birth fanfiction.
In hopes that many fanfiction writers embark on the rewarding experience of writing the perfect Mary Sue fiction.
Sunny LaCountess
Disclaimer: This guide is written entirely for entertainment purposes. No references to any fanfiction by any authors are intentional or associated with the purpose of this writing. Please take this the way it is intended to be taken, only as a humorous piece.
The generic description of a Mary Sue character is a character based on the writer. It is the way that the writer inserts her/himself into her/his story to give life to her/his fantasy of interacting with her/his favourite characters while being better and above all of them.
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LaCountess -- Twilight Knightie,IB,DT,UF,Cotk
http://www.lacountess.com/FKnight/
"Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!"
--Homer Simpson
Date: Fri, 26 Jul 2002
From: "Garibaldi's Cat"
Subject: New Rules
Okay, folks, it's that time of year again where new rules go into effect. Get that? Yessirree, new rules, so there!!!
Rules for Stray Cats
1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with, picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name, will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except on days ending in "y".
11. Stray cats allowed inside, will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to, jump up on or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture, but must sharpen claws on new $99 sisal rope cat scratching post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan, with a three panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special KittyKomfortBed with nonallergenic lambs wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers, except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk, near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk, when the human is dfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hb USING IT.
Heike
-Video meliora proboque deteriora sequor-