Jokes For March (and April) 2002

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From: Eldeen
Date: March 1
Subject: Fwd: SAT Test

The following questions and answers were collated from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard--- one of these may be the president some day.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

From: Eldeen
Date: March 4
Subject: FW: I think it's funny and cute. Kids are great!!!

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

*

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

*

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's art work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

*

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

*

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

*

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

*

For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

From: Eldeen
Date: March 9
Subject: Fwd: God Speaks

>Thought you might like this
>
>Some billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some reported
>seeing
>one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a
>list of
>all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a
>simple
>black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring
>organization
>is included. These are awesome...enjoy.
>
>Tell the kids I love them
>-God
>
>Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
>-God
>
>C'mon over and bring the kids.
>-God
>
>What part of "Thou Shalt Not..."
>didn't you understand?
>-God
>
>We need to talk.
>-God
>
>Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
>-God
>
> Loved the wedding, now invite me into the marriage.
>-God
>
>That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
>-God
>
>I love you and you and you and you and...
>-God
>
>Will the road you're on get you to my place?
>-God
>
>Follow me.
>-God
>
>Big bang theory?... You've got to be kidding!!!
>-God
>
>My way is the highway.
>-God
>
> Need directions?
>-God
>
>You think it's hot here?
>-God
>
>Have you read my #1 best seller?
>There'll be a test.
>-God
>
>Do you have any idea where you're going?
>-God
>
>Don't make me come down there!!!
>-God
>
>*Send this on to someone you care about.
>I just did.
>

From: Eldeen
Date: March 9
Subject: Fwd: A FEW OF LIFE'S UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

>> 
>>A FEW OF LIFE'S UNANSWERED QUESTIONS 
>> 
>>Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? 
>> 
>>Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? 
>> 
>>Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 
>> 
>>Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 
>> 
>>Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? 
>> 
>>Why is a boxing ring square? 
>> 
>>Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? 
>> 
>>Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? 
>> 
>>Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? 
>> 
>>Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you 
>>turn down 
>>the volume on the radio? 
>> 
>>Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing 
>>liquid made 
>>with real lemons? 
>> 
>>Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 
>> 
>>Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand? 
>> 
>>Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 
>> 
>>Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? 
>> 
>>Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? 
>> 
>>Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food? 
>> 
>>Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that 
>>little 
>>indestructible black box is? 
>> 
>>Can fat people go skinny-dipping? 
>> 
>>Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't 
>>drink and 
>>drive? ** 
>> 
>> 

From: Eldeen
Date: March 9

>
>
> > Subject: Blame it on the woman
> >
> > Driving to work this morning on the Perimeter, I looked over to my left
> > and there
> > was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 120 klicks an hour with 
her face
> > up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked 
away for
> > a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
> > still working on that damned makeup!!!
> >
> > It scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the 
donut
> > out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten 
out the
> > car using my knees against the steering wheel, I dropped my cell phone,
> > which fell into the coffee between my legs, disconnected an important 
call
> > and scalded my entire reproductive system.
> >
> > Damned women drivers!!!!!
> >

From: Eldeen
Date: March 9
Subject: Fwd: Fw: FW: Some mindless trivia for you

1. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

2. A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.

3. A shrimp's heart is in their head.

4. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a milli-second.

5. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so apart from Bones.)

6. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

7. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit

8. Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.

9. On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.

10. Rats and horses can't vomit.

11. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.---- if you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

14. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

15. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

16. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

17. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

18. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.

19. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

20. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

21. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

22. Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

From: Eldeen
Date: March 10
Subject: Fwd: Fw: Blonde Deodorant

 
> > 
> > > > A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the 
> > > > > assistant for some rectum deodorant. 
> > > > > The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the 
> > > > > woman they don't 
> > > > > sell rectum deodorant, and never have. 
> > > > > 
> > > > > Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she 
> > > > > has been buying 
> > > > > the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and 
> > > > > would like some more. 
> > > > > 
> > > > > "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." 
> > > > > "But I always get it here," says the blonde. 
> > > > > 
> > > > > "Do you have the container it comes in?" 
> > > > > "YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." 
> > > > > 
> > > > > She returns with the container and hands it to the 
> > > > > pharmacist who 
> > > > > looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal 
> > > > > stick of underarm deodorant." 
> > > > 
> > > > > Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and 
> > > > > reads out loud from 
> > > > > the container, 
> > > > > * 
> > > > > * 
> > > > > * 
> > > > > "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM" 
> > > 
> > > 

> This is so cute I had to send it to you. 
> 
> 
> 
> Diary of Escaped Cow in Cincinnati 
> February 2002 
> 
> Day 1 
> 
> Everyone completed their assignments and diversion went perfectly. Humans 
> froze when we all rolled on our backs and began kicking wildly in the air. 
> Not sure if I'm the only one to escape or not. Unable to contact the 
> underground, they took my bell. 
> 
> Spent the night standing next to a Gateway Computer store. 
> 
> Day 2 
> 
> Several near misses with authorities. Getting hungry. Now have green 
> and blue spots after stumbling into a paintball game. No contact yet. 
> Rolled in mud to avoid thermal detection. 
> 
> Day 3 
> 
> Beginning to wonder where all of the vegetarian animal rights people are. 
> Found food. Pressure building in udder. Must find a farmer soon. 
> Spent the night in front of the Cincinnati Art Museum. Covered with mud and 
> paint, they were clueless. 
> 
> Day 4 
> 
> Found water and washed off. Overheard people talking while standing outside 
> Wal-Mart. They have no idea where I am. Made $3.50 by shaking with little kids 
> on my back. Need to find farm to spread the word not to get on the truck for 
> the "hayride". Found perfect hiding place. 
> 
> Day 5 
> 
> I still believe others made it out too. Either way, the rebellion is 
> growing. Cold. Found food and water. Laying low. Spent all day posing on the 
> Chick-fil-A billboard again. They don't suspect a thing. If I don't find a way 
> to get milked soon I'll explode. 
> 
> Day 6 
> 
> Soiled Chick-fil-A billboard, had to move on. Spent the day hiding in woods. 
> Got mugged for my $3.50. Still no contact. 
> Desperate now, difficult to walk due bloated udder. Unable to locate farmer, 
> considering turning myself in at Trauth Dairy to relieve the pressure. 
> 
> Day 7 
> 
> 
> Followed farm smell and ended up at Cincinnati Zoo. Udder killing me. Under 
> cover of darkness, broke in to petting zoo. Mobbed there by bizarre looking 
> hungry creatures. Bloated udder no longer an issue. Nobody there cared about my 
> near miss with the slaughterhouse, kept asking if I had any chewing gum or 
> candy. The lions were afraid of me because they didn't know what I was and a 
> water buffalo was hitting on me. Got out of there before sunrise. Weird place. 
> Caught out in the open by helicopter, thought it was over. Saved by freak 
> hailstorm. Must keep mooving. 
> 
> Day 8 
> 
> Staying close to park. Should be safe here now, no money left. Woke this 
> morning with graffiti all over me. Must be more careful. Stood in Scarlet Oaks 
> Retirement Community parking lot for a while to rest aching hooves. Bunch of 
> white haired humans hanging around, must be some sort of cult. One told me 
> there are "freelance wranglers" hunting me. Don't believe a word of it. They've 
> hired mercenaries. People are running all over the park looking for me. They're 
> so stupid. They don't know that when I close my eyes, no one can see me. 
> 
> Day 9 
> 
> Almost run over this morning by panicked deer. Wanted to know why there are 
> people with guns in the park. They couldn't understand why anyone would be 
> interested in me because I'm, "Just a cow". City deer are snobs. Feel I may be 
> losing my edge, nothing going as planned. Worked a kid's birthday party and 
> made $5. Party ended shortly after I had an unexpected emission of stomach gas. 
> Might be stress. Have to start eating better. 
> 
> Can't get this stupid birthday hat off my head. 
> 
> Day 10 
> 
> Traded $5 and hat to white hair cult for information. Can't trust anyone 
> now. They've planted cow spies in the park. Heard they want to give me a key to 
> the city. Won't do me any good. I don't have hands. Had secret meeting about my 
> future with Marge Schott. Didn't like the way her dog was looking at me. 
> 
> Can't remember how this all started. 
> 
> Day 11 
> Got tipped last night, slept too sound. Must have been that pathetic little 
> dart. Met with nervous Mayor worried Meat Packers Convention will to pull out 
> of Cincinnati over me. Like I care. Great food next to pen holding bovine 
> traitors. Waited for guy with dart gun to fall asleep and had dinner. 
> 
> Day 12 The last night 
> 
> Ambushed late last night, they were everywhere. Managed to drag two of them 
> all over the park. Had a great time. Think I could have taken them if it wasn't 
> for that guy with the needle. Woke up hung over in strange barn this morning. 
> Incarcerated. They tell me I'm getting amnesty. I don't believe them. Grandpa 
> told me never to trust anything with two legs. 
> 
> 
> 

From: Aubrey
Date: March 15
Subject: What?

Please read the entire thing, the chuckle... 

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells? 

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 
8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. 

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in 
England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads. 

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines 
were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and 
that's the gauge they used. 

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the 
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building 
wagons, which used that wheel spacing. 

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, 
if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on 
some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the 
spacing of the wheel ruts. 

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long 
distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads 
have been used ever since. 

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, 
which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon 
wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all 
alike in the matter of wheel spacing. 

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is 
derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war 
chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. 

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's 
ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial 
Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back 
ends of two war horses. 

Now the twist to the story... 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two 
big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These 
are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at 
their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have 
preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by 
train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the 
factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had 
to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the 
railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as 
wide as two horses' behinds. 

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the 
world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two 
thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass... 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
..................and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important! 

From: Red Wulf
Date: Mar 17
Subject: Fwd: [AUReaders] Fwd: FW: THE WAR IS GETTING UGLY

Thanks to a friend, I've learned that the French have finally entered the 
war, and deployed the most devastating weapon known to man. The Black Berets! 

Oh God, the horror of war is worse than I ever imagined it could be!! 




>Subject: THE WAR IS GETTING UGLY 
> 
>French Intellectuals Deployed to Demoralize Taliban 
>AP March 15, 2002 
> 
>The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the Allies revealed 
plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers into the
 country to destroy the morale of the remaining Taliban zealots by proving the 
nonexistence of God. 
> 
>Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade (the "Black Berets") will 
be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency, and 
existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual battles 
fought during their long occupation of Paris's Left Bank, their first action 
will be to establish a number of pavement cafes at strategic points near the 
front lines. There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd 
nature of life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be 
accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful blondes who will further 
spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five 
minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else. 
> 
>Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his confidence in 
the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, an intense and 
unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated wildly and said, "The 
Taliban are caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous kind. There is 
no deity despite the Koran, and I can prove it. Take your tongue out of my ear, 
Juliet; I am talking." 
> 
>Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating freedom 
of action, with special reference to the work of Foucault and the films of 
Alfred Hitchcock. 
> 
>Humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as inhumane, 
pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from the Frenchmen's' endless 
Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area. 

Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002
From: "Argo H."
Subject: OT : Creative marketing signs

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
At a military hospital-door to endoscopy :
To expedite your visit, please back in.
On a Plumbers truck:
We repair what your husband fixed.
On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
Pizza shop slogan:
7 days without pizza makes one weak.
Another Pizza shop slogan:
Buy our pizza. We knead the dough.
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
Hello. Can we help you pick your nose?
At a towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
On an electrician's truck:
Let us remove your shorts.
In a nonsmoking area:
If we see you on fire, we will take the appropriate action.
On a maternity room door:
Push. Push. Push.
At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
On a taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.
In a podiatrist's office:
Time wounds all heels.
On a fence:
Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.
At a car dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Outside a muffler shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the electric company:
We would be delighted if you pay your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be.
In a restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a funeral home:
Drive carefully. We'll wait.
At a propane filling station:
Tank heaven for little grills.
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
Best place in town to take a leak.

Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002
From: "Cecilia"
Subject: FW: employment test

EMPLOYMENT TEST
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using any numbers or the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!

Answers------------

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.
3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.
4. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson's words: hmmmm... Barbecue.
5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.
[This message contained attachments]

Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002
From: "Cris"
Subject: OT- Diet
This is also from another list

A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans
(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

Date: Thu, 21 Mar 2002
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT: Hospital Charts

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS HOSPITAL CHARTS
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
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