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Jokes from December :)
Date: Sat, 1 Dec 2001
From: "K Bramley"
Subject: men jokes
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after creating Eve?
Practice makes perfect.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Cally
Date: Sat, 01 Dec 2001
From: "Sharon S. Graves"
Subject: RE: men jokes
And you do realize they're gay right? [G] Sorry...couldn't help myself.
Sharon
-----Original Message-----
From: K Bramley
Subject: [B5RS] men jokes
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the
dishes?
Both of them.
From Purple, Dec 5th.
I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. It's not mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10 pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.
10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.
Date: Tue, 4 Dec 2001
From: "K Bramley"
Subject: kinda ewww but funny
There were 2 young children playing in a sandbox - a girl and a boy with his pants down. The girls looks at his penis and asks him what it is. The boy has doesn't know, so he goes and asks his father, who says "That's your car. Always do your best to try and park it in a girl's garage."
The little boy goes back to the girl, tells her what his father said, and then asks here what hers is. She goes and asks her mom, who says "That's your car garage. Never, ever let a boy park his car in your garage!"
2 minutes later the two children run into the little girl's house, and they both have blood all over their hands. The mom asks what happened, and the little girl responded "The boy tried to park his car in my garage, but I ripped off his two back wheels!"
Cally
Date: Tue, 4 Dec 2001
From: "K Bramley"
Subject: Jokes
A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh, One guy whispers something in the horse's ear and the horse starts to laugh.
The following week, the guy is back in the bar with his horse again, and offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry. The guy who won the last week takes the horse off to the bathroom. When they come back, the horse is crying his eyes out. Amazed, the man says, "Last week, I told the horse that I had a bigger dick than him. This week, I showed it to him ."
*
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.
Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
*
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror mirror on the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash and both his legs fall off.
*
This man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said "One box of large condoms to register 10."
The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said, "One box of medium sized condoms to register 10."
A few customers back was this teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too kewl. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did.
She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said, "Clean up at register 10!"
Cally
From Purple, Dec 10th
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Yes, I know these are inane, but I bet you can't read them without
laughing.....
1. HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
You boil the hell out of it.
2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam.
3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE?
Polaroids.
4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick
5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho cheese
6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.
7. WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quatro sinko.
8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk
9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite.
10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck
11. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.
12. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef
13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers
14. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog
15. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.
16. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
The location of the Dirt Bag.
17. WHY DOES A PILGRIMS PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat.
18. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad sky diver goes damn, whack.
19. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
Unique up on it.
20. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
Tame way, unique up on it.
21. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet.
22. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP.
An Amish drive-by-shooting.
23. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer
Date: Wed, 12 Dec 2001
From: "K Bramley"
Subject: Joke
> How to know whether or not you are ready to have kids: > > 1- Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick > behind the couch and leave it there all summer. > > 2- Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if > you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on blindfold > and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream > because this would wake a child at night. > > 3- Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with > you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or > damage. > > 4- Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag > making sure that all the arms stay inside. > > 5- Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend > from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert > spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be > an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. > > 6- Obtain a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak > it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until > 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up > your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen > more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make > breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. > > 7- Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn > it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an > attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, > take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make > an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. > > 8- Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream > cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick > it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of > chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both > side of the car. > > 9- Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your > clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. Try not to > notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing > them for a while. > > 10- For Men..... Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the > counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food > store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly > deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly > for the last time. > > 11- Final Assignment........ Find a couple who already has a small > child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, > tolerance, and toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways > they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their > children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you > will have all the answers
Date: Sat, 15 Dec 2001
From: "Cecilia Long"
Subject: FW: ENGINEERS TAKE THE FUN OUT OF CHRISTMAS
----
Subject: FW: ENGINEERS TAKE THE FUN OUT OF CHRISTMAS
> For all of you engineers and those who simply LUV statistics and details. > > > Subject: Engineers Take the fun out of Christmas > > ( I couldn't resist passing on this bit of fascinating statistics - the > poor > > reindeer) > > There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in > > the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, > > Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this > > reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 > > million (according to the population reference bureau). At an > > average (census)rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 > > million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. > > > > Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the > > different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to > > west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per > > second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good > > child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop > > out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the > > remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left > > for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto > > the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is > > evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be > > false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are > > now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 > > million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. > > > > This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 > > times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest > > man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles > > per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles > > per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. > > > > Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO > > set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons, > > not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can > > pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" > > reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done > > with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. > > This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, > > another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen > > Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons travelling at 650 > > miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up > > the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the > > earth's atmosphere. > > > > The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of > > energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames > > almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and > > creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer > > team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right > > about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it > > matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a > > dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to > > acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems > > ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by > > 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs > > and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. > > > > Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. > > > > Merry Christmas, everybody. > > > > >
From: "Jennifer"
Subject: More from THEM!
Date: Tue, 18 Dec 2001
**********URGENT**************
From: The High Commander
To: The Three-cheese Blend
Subject: More transmissions from THEM
After a short lull, THEM has reappeared on the telecommunications scene with the following threats:
-----Original Message-----
From: THEM
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:14 PM
To: Nerf
Subject:
HA!!!!!!
YOU ONLY THOUGHT YOU CAPTURED MY PRETTY GUY WHO STANDS AROUND DOING NOTHING BUT LOOKING GOOD!!!!!!!!! LITTLE DID YOU KNOW HE HAD A TWIN BROTHER TO USE AS A DISTRACTION TO THE CHEESEY ONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-----Original Message-----
From: Nerf
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:15 PM
To: THEM
Subject: RE:
I think Amazing Gok had fun regardless of his authenticity. =)
-----Original Message-----
From: THEM
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:24 PM
To: Nerf
Subject: RE:
WHATEVER - THEM WILL NOW TOURTURE THE THREE CHEESE BLEND BY CURSING YOU TO DEAL ONLY WITH AGENTS/CUSTOMERS WHO SAY "UM" IN FRONT OF EVERY WORD OUT OF THEIR MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-----Original Message-----
From: Nerf
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:30 PM
To: THEM
Subject: RE:
Yeah, well, we can our melted cheese powers to close their mouths permanently, negating their evilness!
-----Original Message-----
From: THEM
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:32 PM
To: Nerf
Subject: RE:
YOU CAN WHAT? I THINK YOU LEFT OUT A FEW WORDS - CHEESE BRAIN
-----Original Message-----
From: Nerf
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:32 PM
To: THEM
Subject: RE:
It's a clever ploy on my part to keep THEM in the dark.
-----Original Message-----
From: THEM
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:37 PM
To: Nerf
Subject: RE:
WELL THEM LIKES THE DARK, WE ARE EVIL AFTER ALL, EVIL THRIVES IN DARK, DAMP PLACES........LIKE BASEMENTS! BASEMENTS WHERE WE KEEP OUR ARMY OF CLOWNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT NOT THE BASEMENTS OF OUR SECRECT LAIR - THE CLOWS ARE TO NOISY AND WE CAN'T GET OUR EVIL BEAUTY REST..........
-----Original Message-----
From: Nerf
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:37 PM
To: THEM
Subject: RE:
So.. some sort of toxic mold would be a good idea... *takes copious notes*
-----Original Message-----
From: THEM
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:39 PM
To: Nerf
Subject: RE:
CLOWNS THAT ARE IMMUNE TO MOLD BECAUSE THATS WHAT THEY ARE MADE OF!!!!!!!!! (HENCE THE THRIVING IN DARK, DAMP PLACES!)
-----Original Message-----
From: Nerf
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:39 PM
To: THEM
Subject: RE:
Bleach! We could bleach your little beasties!
-----Original Message-----
From: THEM
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:44 PM
To: Nerf
Subject: RE:
EVIL FEARS NO BLEACH, WE ALWAYS HAVE OUR MEGA-SECRET, ULTA SCARY SECRET WEAPON TO FALL BACK ON!!!!!!!!!
-----Original Message-----
From: Nerf
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:45 PM
To: THEM
Subject: RE:
Ulta secret, eh? What, is that like super double-dog secret?
-----Original Message-----
From: THEM
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:46 PM
To: Nerf
Subject: RE:
MAN YOU AND YOUR MIXED METAFORES
-----Original Message-----
From: Nerf
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:47 PM
To: THEM
Subject: RE:
You and your aversion to spell-check!
-----Original Message-----
From: THEM
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:50 PM
To: Nerf
Subject: RE:
IT ANNOYS ME! AND YOU DON'T WANT THE LEADER OF AN EVIL ORGANIZATION TO GET ANNOYED!!!!!!!!!!
-----Original Message-----
From: Nerf
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:51 PM
To: THEM
Subject: RE:
Yeah, I guess that would be a bad thing...
-----Original Message-----
From: THEM
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:54 PM
To: Nerf
Subject: RE:
DARN TOOTIN'
-----Original Message-----
From: Nerf
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:54 PM
To: THEM
Subject: RE:
Oh yeah! Tootin' is definitely something to fear!
-----Original Message-----
From: THEM
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:54 PM
To: Nerf
Subject: RE:
YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT
-----Original Message-----
From: Nerf
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:57 PM
To: THEM
Subject: RE:
And I know for a fact you had a bean burrito for lunch, you evil-type person you
-----Original Message-----
From: THEM
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 2:54 PM
To: Nerf
Subject: RE:
=)...............I MEAN >=(
-----Original Message-----
From: THEM
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 3:08 PM
To: Nerf
Subject:
AND NOW MY PRETTY GUY IS ON ALERT AND WILL NOT BE CAPTURED BY CHEESY CRUSADERS!
-----Original Message-----
From: Nerf
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 3:14 PM
To: THEM
Subject: RE:
I'm sure he can be tempted.
-----Original Message-----
From: THEM
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 3:14 PM
To: Nerf
Subject: RE:
NOPE - MY PRETTY GUY IS UNTEMPTABLE !
-----Original Message-----
From: Nerf
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 3:15 PM
To: THEM
Subject: RE:
*raises her eyebrow* Oh, reeeeaaaaallllyyyy................
-----Original Message-----
From: THEM
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 3:17 PM
To: Nerf
Subject: RE:
REALLY, I'VE BRAINWASHED HIM
-----Original Message-----
From: Nerf
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 3:19 PM
To: THEM
Subject: RE:
Never underestimate the power of cheese.
-----Original Message-----
From: THEM
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 3:22 PM
To: Nerf
Subject: RE:
HA! I LAUGHT AT YOUR CHEESE!
-----Original Message-----
From: Nerf
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 3:22 PM
To: THEM
Subject: RE:
But it's so warm and gooey.... yuuuuummmmmmm......
-----Original Message-----
From: THEM
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 3:25 PM
To: Nerf
Subject: RE:
ALL OF THEM ARE LACTOSE INTOLLERANT!!!!!!!!! HA!
-----Original Message-----
From: Nerf
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 3:27 PM
To: THEM
Subject: RE:
Behold, the power of SOY cheese!!!
-----Original Message-----
From: THEM
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 3:28 PM
To: Nerf
Subject: RE:
GROSS, YOU COULD MAKY US PUKE!
-----Original Message-----
From: S******, J*******
Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2001 3:39 PM
To: T******, A****
Subject: RE:
Ok, Jar-jar.... ;-)
--------------------------
The transmissions break down into general name-calling from this point on. THEM has a sore spot when it comes to Jar-jar Binks. We could use that to our advantage.
CHEESERS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!
Nefarious Nerf
"It doesn't matter how many people I've killed. What matters is how I deal with those who are still alive."
Subject: Dealing a crushing blow to THEM, it is I!
Date: Thu, 20 Dec 2001
Gok is overcome with laughter! Gok is aware of your plans and she has an excellent way to -
Why is Gok speaking in third person?
I have already conquered the weak, willing masses of Male that make up such a portion of THEM. All males that rank at least 8 on the Handsome-when-unclothed scale had been lured in by a giant-screen TV and 600 channel sattilite dish! Even now they are zoned out on expensive leather recliners, each in control of their remote if not their willpower! All males that ranked under 8, were summarily excecuted and fed to my wild goats. (I would point out to their leader, who is confused as to whether her codname is 'Kira' or 'April', that the so-called main man - a mere 3 point 2 - she once controlled gave two of the goats a horrible bellyache!) Their ugliness will sour the CHEESE for days but that is a small price to pay for the safety of Bad Puns around the world! As for the handsome ones, I will have them for whatever sinfully delightful purposes I want! HA HA HAAA! For I have a secret weapon! It is so secret that a few hours ago, beven I did not know of it's existance! THEM is powerless to stop me!
The Three-cheese blend will keep the peace of the pun!
But, in the spirit of 'taunting by superior forces', I will say one thing. The torture and brainwiping will involve a large jar of Bernard Callebeau chocolate sauce! No matter how well trained they are, your puny organization will never had the resources needed to even consider aquiring such a expensive, mighty weapon! BWAA HAA HAA!
Part of a smashingly excellent christmas gift bag from one of the families I nanny for. Hoo, hoo! :) Real Eggnog, anyone? *offers glasses to all*
Now, Dear Comrades in Dairy, evil THEM, I must go and test this one little box out. I have both Peter Wingfeild and Jude Law tied up naked in my interrogation room, and I am most eager to try it out on at least one of them . . . Cheers!
- Gok
~~~~~
BEHOLD, the power of CHEESE!
- Amazing Gok! of the Three-Cheese Blend (AGotTCB)
Support the International Cheese Team for the Defense of Bad Puns Everywhere!
Date: Tue, 18 Dec 2001
From: "Sharon S. Graves"
Subject: FW: politically correct holiday greeting
Subject: Fw: politically correct holiday greeting
Subject: Merry Whatever
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive,
gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced
within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your
choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the
religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice
not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . . . and a
fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated
recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002, but
not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose
contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that
America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only
"AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed,
color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform,
or sexual preference of the wishee.
(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting
is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no
alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to
actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void
where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the
wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual
application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the
issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and
warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole
discretion of the wisher.)
Date: Fri, 21 Dec 2001
From: "natters17uk"
Subject: Reasons why we know Santa is DEFINATELY a man
1. no dress sense
2. never replies to your letters
3. the chances of getting what you asked for are nil.
4. thickly comes down the chimney despite all those windows and doors
5. beer belly
6. will only commit to one day a year
7. obsessed with stockings
8. he never stops to ask for directions
9. too lazy to shave
10. only willing to do a job where people leave food and booze out
for him.... AND doesn't wash up the plate afterwards.
Wha'd'ya think?
from 'Master StarChild'
Date: Sun, 23 Dec 2001
From: "MKL"
Subject: Christmas.. Lawyer Style
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.
The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature.
Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
Date: Sun, 23 Dec 2001
From: "MKL"
Subject: Never mind - I found it!
Reposted -
Vat, ve kent hef our own poem?
The Night Before Hanukkah
Twas the night before Hanukkah, we were all in a group
With grandma in the kitchen making matzah ball soup
The stockings were hung 'neath the menorah with care
In hopes that St. Nicholstein soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of gefilte fish danced in their heads
My wife in her prayer shawl and I in my yarmulkah
Had just settled down for a nice quiet Hanukkah.
When there came such a noise that it shook the menorah
There were deer on the roof, they were doing the hora.
With all this commotion I woke from my nap
To see in my living room a big fat schlap.
He was dressed all in red from his head to his toes
And the brightest of all was his big red nose
You know Santa reminds me of my great uncle Meyer,
When he came down the chimney and landed in the fire.
He left us a gift in a big purple box,
Then sat down to nosh on some bagels and lox.
All I could do was to sit there and look,
And say to myself "this guy is mashoog"
Santa had to be going; he couldn't stay up late,
He's got a Bar Mitzvah starting at eight.
We both heard him say as he started on home,
"Happy Hanukkah to all and to all a Shalom".
_________________________________________
Master StarChild
. . . and one final note (heh heh heh) . . .
From: Gok
To: THEM
Cc: 3 CHEESE BLEND
Date: December 28, 2001 6:54 PM
Subject: Delivery for THEM (I'm bored, can you tell?)
.
.
Beeep beeep beeeep . . .
.
*Gok backs up a dump truck onto Kira's driveway and drops a heap of bodies on the pavement*
Standard treaty clause you know. Returning the dead . . . so here's your males back. :)
. . . as a matter of fact, they are still smiling, aren't they? Well, With the Three-Cheese blend being a team for good and all that, I decided to let them die happy. Even if they were the villans.
- Gok, driving off.
~~~~~
BEHOLD, the power of CHEESE!
- Amazing Gok! of the Three-Cheese Blend (AGotTCB)
Support the International Cheese Team for the Defense of Bad Puns Everywhere!