Short, but sweet: The jokes from August, September, and October: There were only a few in Sept and Oct, so I put them in here. Scroll down!
Then, when you're done, you can Return
From : Purple
Date: uhhhh . . . I lost the date. But I saved the joke! :)
Don't laugh, it's not funny!
Three Little Piggies
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggie. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggie.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?"
>
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>You're gonna hate me for this
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>The third piggie says
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>"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home'!"
Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2001
From: Cecilia
Subject: I know, this one's a groaner...
TWO WISHES
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich behind him. The bartender asks
for his order, and the man says, "I'll have a beer," and turns to the
ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please,"
and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for
payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and both order a
beer. Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again
and the bartender asks, "The usual?"
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says
the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20," says the bartender.
Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any
longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact
change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic, and
I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered
me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put
my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be
there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir; what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
From: Purple
Subject : [Fwd: Hehehehe This is silly]
In the beginning, there was the heaven and the earth, and a cold breeze was blowing. This sucked, and the Lord was displeased. And the Lord said, "Let there be kitties!" and there were kitties, with whiskers and fuzzy ears, who twitched their tailtips adorably, and it was good. But the Lord wanted more. So the Lord said, "Let there be spots!" and most of the kitties received this blessing, and showed off their precious, adorably cuddly spotty coats. And this was good. So the kitties romped and played, but they became hungry, and asked the Lord for help. So the Lord said, "Let there be all manner of creatures from which the kitties can feed from!" And there were, and a wide variety of animals came into existence, whom the kitties hunted and played with. And this was good. But the kitties were still bored. So The Lord said,"Let there be humans!" and the humans came into existence, to forever be slaves of the adorable whiskered kitties and entertain them until the end of time. And it was good. The Lord was happy, so he retired and went to Rio.
Date: Fri, 10 Aug 2001
From: "Red Wulf wulf"
Subject: Fw: Joke
A man with a winking problem applied for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
Wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out
all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored
condoms. Finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He
tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a
respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees womanizing all over
the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and
asked for aspirin?"
Date: Fri, 10 Aug 2001
From: Cecilia
Subject: More thoughts to ponder
If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have
locks on the door?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what
does a freedom fighter fight?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader what would her married name be?
And before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Can you set your laser printer on stun?
Is it truly possible to have a civil war?
And if a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Ah, but if all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Most car accidents occur within five miles of home... why, then doesn't everyone move 10 miles away?
And if one synchronized swimmer drowns, must the rest drown also?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
And if you are born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
(See John 3 for the answer; yes bumba, that too is in the Bible)
If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you done?
Is a castrated pig dis-gruntled?
Is it not so that Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse?
Date: Tue, 14 Aug 2001
From: Cecilia
Subject: Beer warnings
Oh, sure, NOW they tell us!!!
> --------------------------- > > Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have > accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed > immediately on all beer containers: > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell > happened to your bra. > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are > whispering when you are not. > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like > a retard. > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your > friends over and over again that you love them. > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can > sing. > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that > ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can > logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have > mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked. > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the > morning and see something really scary. > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of > inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you > are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are > invisible. > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are > laughing WITH you. > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the > time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
Just in case there as those out there who actually wonder what people on a mailing list actually DO talk about, here's another sample: (the first question had to do with servers tossing away email instead of delivering it, just in case you wanted to know . . .)
Date: Wed, 15 Aug 2001
From: James
Subject: Re: erm...
Cecilia: "heres a silly question. What causes a bounce and what the difference between a hard bounce and a soft one?"
Sharon: "Gravity?"
The equation in physics for the energy of the bounce will be:
E = mgh
E = energy
m = mass (that lie from the bathroom scale corrected for gravity)
g = gravitational constant (the force behind the boom in silicon implants)
h = height you fall (how tall the bar stool is)
The force is the distribution of energy over surface area. Bottom line,
energy divided by the area of your bottom (assuming you're not going head
first / bottoms up)
Physics is a cruel science.
jim
Date: Thu, 16 Aug 2001
From: "Dianne"
Subject: Re: erm...
Yes, ok, but what happens with the gravitational constant if a bra is involved? underwire, of course. :)
From: James
Subject: Re: erm...
Dianne : "Yes, ok, but what happens with the gravitational constant if a bra
is involved? underwire, of course. :)"
If the bra and contents mass is small, the value for "E" approaches zero and
may be canceled out. This is kinetic energy not sexual. Though it may be
true ones with a low mass project a low sexual energy and are often canceled
on dates, the link is spurious.
If the bra and it's mass are very very large, they may be able to generate
three forces:
kinetic = mgh (silicon weight x gravitational constant x height in heels)
magnetic = from underwire metal mass (yah, right!). Note, rubbing the wire
may generate a current (or an assault charge)
gravitational = if a mass approaches significant proportions (ie planetoid,
supertanker) it has it's own gravitational pull (see Parton, Dolly)
jim
Date: Mon, 20 Aug 2001
From: Sharon
Subject: FW: OT-BEFORE & AFTER LOVE
I think I should dedicate this joke to Dianne. ;-)
Sharon
BEFORE - You take my breath away
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating.
BEFORE - Twice a night
AFTER - Twice a month.
BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.
BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever
AFTER - Monday Night Football.
BEFORE - Don't stop
AFTER - Don't start.
BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey.
BEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dream
AFTER - It's like he lives in a dorm.
BEFORE - $60/doz.
AFTER - $1.50/stem
BEFORE - Turbocharged
AFTER - Jumpstart.
BEFORE - We agree on everything
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom.
BEFORE - Charming and Noble
AFTER - Chernobyl
BEFORE - Feathers and handcuffs
AFTER - Ball and chain.
BEFORE - Idol
AFTER - Idle
BEFORE - I love a woman with curves
AFTER - I never said you were fat.
BEFORE - He's completely lost without me
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
BEFORE - Time stood still
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere.
BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bagel and instant.
BEFORE - You look so seductive in black
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing.
BEFORE - Oysters
AFTER - Fishsticks
BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.
BEFORE - Passion
AFTER - Ration
BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end.
Date: Wed, 22 Aug 2001
From: Cecilia
Subject: OT: But oh my god the dumbing down of America!
Ok - The People Who Say Self-Esteem Is Everything have now officially
Gone Too Far!
To wit:
>> Every child needs one of those little stacking ring toys, right? Lots of >> little plastic donuts that go on a spindle, you know the thing I mean. >> Well, there's a newfangled one that one of the Make Your Child A Genius By >> Buying Our Red And Black And White Toys companies makes: all the rings are >> the same size, and the spindle isn't tapered. That's right... that toy we >> grew up with SETS CHILDREN UP TO LOSE by forcing them into a PREDEFINED >> PATTERN of stacking. THE HORROR! > > I just had to see this one. A brief search turned up >http://www.toynado.com/toys_stacking.htm, with this description: > > Here is an updated classic stacking toy, with more colours, > more textures and more patterns to engage a baby's mind. > Baby's success is ensured by making all the rings the same size. > >-
(note from Gok: Good grief, I've even seen those new rings- there's more than one! - around. How silly. I can't ever remember (nor do any of the kids I asked) needing to get the rings in the 'right' order. The fun (and what would later be retaught under the disguise of 'advanced physics') was stacking them alternately (with a space between each ring), seeing how many would balance ABOVE the post, letting the baby chew on the smallest ring because he was teething, taking the rings into the bathtub or the yard for water play - combination target and throwing toy - filling them up with water (bubbles come up - if you hid them under your butt in the tub it was a really good way to creep out anyone in there with you, until they caught on), then squirting the water out the little hole and attempting, usually without any success, to hit your annoying little sister with the spray, etc, etc, etc.
Yeesh, how narrow-minded can a person get if they assume that the only thing you can do with stacking rings is to stack them? DUHHHHHH! - end note.)
Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT: Sunburn
> A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun > and suffered a severe sunburn and heatstroke. > > He was taken to the hospital where his skin was a > bright red, painful and started to blister. Anything > that touched him caused agony. > > The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings > of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative, and > Viagra. > > "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" the > nurse inquired. > > The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off him." > >
From: Purple
Subject: [Fwd: Fw: [Flesh_rpg] The Fell Furbies!]
Date: Wed, 29 Aug 2001
This is funny!
> I wrote this short story some time ago just because I found Furbies so > wrong. I got reactions from, "that's the funniest thing I've read" to "That > was disturbing" to "that gave me the chills because my kid has one of > those". Have a laugh. See you at work Manyana. > Later > > SJV > "Darkness Descending > Rising Up From Cold Cold Grave > The Dead Walk Again" > -Dan- > > Night of the Fell Furbys > > It was a night like any other. We had recently moved into a nice > little house in the country. It was our chance to get away from the big > city. The children were asleep in their rooms. My wife and I had retired > to the bedroom early. I was just at the edge of sleep, that numb feeling > where every little sound echoes, when I heard it. There was a noise in the > hall. At first, I thought it might have been the kids. They sometimes > slept with us when they got scared. The noise continued down the hall, away > from the kid's room and the bathroom. I heard it stop at the stairs and > heard a faint thump, then another. I decided to investigate, hoping that > one of the kids was not sleepwalking. I crossed to the door and slowly > opened it. My wife stirred, but continued sleeping. The shadow on the wall > at the bottom of the stairs certainly did not look like a child's shadow, or > any human shadow I knew of. I reached for anything I could find to use as a > weapon. My grasping hand found the taped grip of my baseball bat. I had > left it propped against the dresser beside the bedroom door after hitting > baseballs with the kids. I did not know what kind of animal it was, but I > figured the bat would drive it off. I crept out into the hall, trying not > to make any sound, and tiptoed to the stairs. I could hear movement in the > kitchen. I eased my way down the stairs, bat at the ready. When I reached > the bottom, I steadied myself, spun around the corner to the kitchen and hit > the light switch. The kitchen was empty. Everything was in its place > except for one of the kids' toys, a Furby. > "Honey?" My wife called from the top of the stairs. I turned to let > her know that everything was all right, that I must still be nervous about > our new house in the country, when it struck. Something slammed into my leg > and I staggered backward. I looked down in horror to see the Furby, an > innocent child's toy, clamp its beak onto my leg. Its eyes glowed with an > eerie red light, the likes of which I'd never seen before. I grasped its > fur with one hand and tore it loose, throwing it across the room in one > swift motion. My leg burned, and I could feel the blood running down it. > Its beak had torn a ragged gash into my leg. I looked around for a rag to > try to stop the bleeding. I caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye of > the thing speeding toward me again. I spun around and caught it in a golf > swing with the bat. It sailed through the air and crashed through the > living room window. I chanced a quick look out the broken window. The > Furby lay on the front lawn, sparking. It caught on fire as I watched it, > the red glow in its eyes dying away. I only had a second to wonder at this > strange turn of events when I heard the children scream. I suddenly > remembered, we had bought two of the damn things! I raced up the stairs, my > leg wound forgotten, and reached the doorway to the children's room at the > same time as my wife. The children were huddled in a corner of the room, > throwing toys at their once docile, computerized playmate. I rushed into > the room, bat raised above my head, ready to strike. It spun to face me > just as the bat came crashing down on top of it. It crunched and crumpled > under the blow. The red glow of its eyes faded out and I struck it again, > just to make sure it was done. The children ran to their mother, as I stood > there dumbstruck. How could this have happened? I thought, as I turned the > broken toy over with the end of the bat. Suddenly, a sharp pain reminded me > that my leg was bleeding. > "Are you all right?" My wife asked. > "Yeah." I said. "I gotta find something to wrap this with." > A short time later, I had my leg wrapped with gauze, rags and an ace > bandage. As we sat there, wondering what had happened, a frantic banging > sounded at our front door. I looked out the small window in the door and > immediately let the couple stagger in. > "My God!" The man said. "They're everywhere!" > I helped him and the woman over to the couch. They were both bleeding > and tired. I grabbed my rapidly dwindling first-aid supplies and wrapped > and cleaned what I could of their wounds. > "Mister," The man said. "You won't believe what I'm about to tell you, > but." > I interrupted, "Furbys have gone nuts?" > "So you seen it?" > I showed him my leg. "Yeah, I saw." > "Damndest thing I ever saw. Furbys everywhere, runnin' amok, killin' > people. Jesus, we were at the mall! Luckily, we were able to get to our > car and get out. We ran out of gas about a half-mile back. I sure am glad > you were home." > We got them something to drink and tried to figure out what to do. > Evidently, the Furbys were everywhere. There was hardly a house, apartment, > or dorm that did not have at least one. And, with all the malls and toy > stores in every city, there were possibly thousands or hundreds of thousands > of the little multicolored, furry demons running around. > "Well," I said, "we can just wait it out here. I'm sure the army or > National Guard will have been called." > "But is there enough food?" My wife asked. > I wasn't sure of that myself, but I replied, "Of course. I doubt it > will take that long." > I began to say something else to try to encourage everyone, but I > stopped. There was a noise. The noise was a raking, scratching sound. I > poked my head out the window to see a Furby, eyes aglow, chewing at the > front door. Several more were milling around outside. > "Damn!" I said. "We gotta move." > I sent my wife and the other woman to get as much food as possible and > pack it into blankets, pillowcases, bags, anything, and I raced downstairs. > I kept most of my tools in the cellar. I grabbed one of my metal toolboxes > and began to climb the stairs. I heard the same scraping noises and > remembered the cellar door! Another door led to the outside. The Furbys > were there too, chewing their way in. I ran back down and grabbed my > chainsaw. I dashed back into the living room to see a little beak poke its > way through the front door and I was sure they were at the back as well. I > ran up the stairs and into my bedroom. I unlocked the closet door where my > rifle was kept, thanked God and the NRA that guns were not yet banned, and > returned back downstairs. As I loaded the rifle, I told everyone to take > everything upstairs. I had seen too many living dead horror flicks to even > think about holding out in a room or in the basement. > "What about you?" The man asked. > "I'll hold them off 'til everything's up there." > I once again thanked my lucky stars that America still had the right to > bear arms, as I blew the first Furby back out the door. Two more exploded > as rounds from my rifle hit them. > "C'mon!" I heard my wife shout and I backed up the stairs. > Several more came through the opening in the door and slowly began > thumping their way up the stairs. At the top, I handed the rifle to the man > and started the chainsaw. I cut through the staircase while he kept the > Furbys from advancing too far up the stairs. Finally, the staircase crashed > down onto the floor below. We watched for a few minutes as the Furbys > milled around below us. Then we turned on the television to see if there > was any news about the incident. There was a news announcer with a > concerned look about him. > ".all across the country, Furbys are coming to life and committing acts > of murder. The populace is being warned to stay inside and protect > themselves as best as possible. It's hard for us here to believe what we're > reporting to you but it does seem to be happening. Stay tuned for." > We turned the T.V. down and tried our best to sleep and wait out the > horror. > > The next morning we awoke to the sound of gunshots. Outside the > window, we could see a few vehicles, military and civilian, and men with > guns. It looked like the worst was over, that we had survived, the > nightmare had finally ended. > > > The End? > >
Return to my (Furby-free) Nest
OCTOBER
From : Eldeen
Subject : Fwd: Fw: Alert!! (Joke)
Date : Fri, 12 Oct 2001
----- Original Message -----
Subject: Alert!!
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Newfoundland, Canada. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained. The Newfoundland Provincial Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues. The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the province. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the community or in Newfoundland West, i.e. Fort McMurray.
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 2001
From: Cecilia
Subject: FW: It's not a job, it's an adventure
You might be in education if....
1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium
salt lick.
2. You find humor in other people's annoying behavior.
3. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to
work 8-3 and have your summers free.
4. You believe chocolate is a food group.
5. You can tell it's a full moon outside without even looking.
6. You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the
report card.
7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone
says, "Boy the kids sure are mellow today."
8. When you are out in public you feel the urge to snap your
fingers at children who are misbehaving.
9. You have no life August through June.
10. Putting all "A's" on the report card would be so much easier.
11. You think people should be required to get a government permit
before being allowed to reproduce.
12. You encourage a parent to check into home schooling.
13. You believe that no one should be given the government
reproduction permit without having worked in middle school for 5 years.
14. You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
15. You can't have children of your own because there isn't a name
you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.
16. You think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
17. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why
is this kid like that?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Real Teachers
* Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in
faculty lounges and have been seen grading in church
* Real teachers cheer when they hear April 1 does not fall on a school
day
* Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions
* Real teachers clutch a pencil while thinking and make notes in the
margins of books
* Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening
up the line
* Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without
turning their backs on the class
* Real teachers are written up in medical journals for size and
elasticity of kidneys and bladders
* Real teachers have been timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes,
18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.
* Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will show up at
Open House
* Real teachers never teach the conjugation of lie and lay to 8th
graders
* Real teachers know its better to seek forgiveness than to ask
permission
* Real teachers know the shortest distance and the length of travel
time from their classroom to the office
* Real teachers can "sense" gum
* Real teachers know the difference among what must be graded, what
ought to be graded, and what should never again see the light of day.
* Real teachers are solely responsible for the destruction of the rain
forest
* Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot
* Real teachers buy Advil in bulk
* Real teachers will eat anything that is put in the teacher's lounge
* Real teachers know secretaries and custodians run the school
* Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to
listen; know that they teach students, not subjects; and they are
absolutely non-expendable
[This message contained attachments]
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2001
From: Donna
Subject: FWD: Reposting Viagra
Viagra Diary Day 1. Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Day 2. Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp. Day 3. This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears. Day 4. A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, 'this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us.' I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood. Day 7. This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you! But, have to admit ... Day 8. I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. Sore as hell.... Day 10. Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky all over.... Day 11. The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was "The Smurfs Do Denmark." Even my armpits hurt. He's a nasty man. Day 12. OK, I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Day 13. I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ... Day 14. Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" butt-thing again, I'm gonna kill him. Day 15. I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me "Sister Wendy" makes "Father Woody" want to bark like a dog. Help me. Day 16. I think I will have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to...stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket. I'm starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are afraid of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I told him to screw himself ... he did. Day 17 He must die. [This message contained attachments]
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 2001
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT: may offend the guys
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, (This will make you happy tonight.) He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the door knobs.. he couldn't get back in. It's just too hot to wear clothes today, Jack said as he stepped out of the shower, (Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?) (Probably that I married you for your money,) she replied. Q : What must a woman do when a man is running around in circles? A : Reload and carry on shooting. Q : Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease? A : Because it only attacks the brain. Q : What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A : A rumour A couple are lying in bed. The man says (I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world) The woman says : (I will surely miss you) Q : What takes longer to make - a snowman or snow woman? A : The snowman, because you have to hollow out the head first
And that seems to be it . . . Gee, do I need more suppliers or something? I think so.
- Gok, signing off