Date: Wed, 4 Jul 2001
From: "Garibaldi's Cat"
Subject: Thought for today
Dogs are Christian, Cats are Buddhist:
A dog's purpose in life is to recognize his Master and devote himself to
pleasing and obeying his Master's commandments.
A cat's purpose in life is to be the most perfect cat he can be.
Heike
Date: Thu, 5 Jul 2001
From: "James Green"
Subject: Re: Thought for today
H: "A cat's purpose in life is to be the most perfect cat he can be."
You want your cat to recruit for the Army?
jim
Date: Thu, 5 Jul 2001
From: "Garibaldi's Cat"
Subject: Re: Thought for today
He would have them whipped into shape in no time, LOL!
Heike
Date: Thu, 5 Jul 2001
From: "James Green"
Subject: Re: Thought for today
H: "He would have them whipped into shape in no time, LOL!"
General to DI cat: "Your troops look purrrfect!"
jim
Date: Thu, 5 Jul 2001
From: "Garibaldi's Cat"
Subject: Re: Thought for today
Or, "Private, wipe that meow off your whiskers!"
Heike
Date: Sat, 7 Jul 2001
From: "Cecilia Long"
Subject: FW: Incredibly funny (Not my creation)
Shakespearean Pick-up Lines
15. "How about a little Puck?"
14. "Of course, 'Romeo and Gertrude' is just a working title. I might be
persuaded to change it for you, M'Lady."
13. "Et tu, Cutie?"
12. "Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?"
11. "If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknown
but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?"
10. "Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?"
9. "My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent."
8. "Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I'd spend the evening
with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean."
7. "Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?"
6. "Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I'm merely happy to cast eyes
upon thy beauty!"
5. "Greetings to you, fair sailor."
4. "But soft, what light through yonder trousers breaks?"
3. "Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?"
2. "O! Prithee sitteth upon my visage, and perchance to let me divine thy
weight."
1. "Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question."
[This message contained attachments]
Date: Sun, 8 Jul 2001
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT: the Beer Drinker
> Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. > Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery > and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might > be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to > myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true, > than be selfish and worry about my liver." > --by Jack Handy > > I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the > morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. > --Frank Sinatra > > An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with > fools. > --Ernest Hemingway > > A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank > her. > --W.C. Fields > > When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. > --Henny Youngman > > 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? > --Stephen Wright > > When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When > we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to > heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! > -- Brian O'Rourke > > Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. > --Benjamin Franklin >
Date: Sun, 8 Jul 2001 08:45:11 +1000
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT: Milk Machine
Subject: Milk Machine > Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since > the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test > it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned > the switch on and everything else was automatic. > > Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much > pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly > realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. > > He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every > button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer > decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. > > "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works > fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" > > "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will > release automatically once it's collected two gallons." > >
Date: Sun, 8 Jul 2001
From: "Argo Hõbe"
Subject: OT:Four Nuns Joke
The Four Nuns
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local
Catholic Church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back
and forth for a few minutes. Finally, the priest agreed to let
them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as
soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me
what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the
priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest
asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated
movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves,
and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says,
"I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house,
and I hit a neighbor's dog and killed it. "The priest looks up to heaven
for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy
water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is
laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?"
She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest
looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God
forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her
cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
Date: Mon, 9 Jul 2001
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT: Joke
You may have heard this, I hadn't, and had to pass it on.
A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office
of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in
hand. The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and
small portfolio with the care that was deserving of this
fine young specimen.
"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent
demeanour of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles
that I might be aware of."
"Other than the requisite high school and college plays,
no sir," said the handsome young man.
"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like
yours," said the agent.
"Sir?"
"Your name. Penus Van Lesbian. That's not a name that
will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but
you'll have to change your name."
"Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van
Lesbian name was my father's, my grandfather's and his
father's name. We have carried this name for generations
and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other
reason."
"If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you
young man."
"Then I bid you farewell - my name will not change."
With that, Penus Van Lesbian left the agents office
never to return.
Five Years Later...
The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch
with some producers and shuffled through his mail.
Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There was
one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the
letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check
dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at
the check. It was for 50,000 dollars!
He read the letter:
Dear Sir:
Several years ago, I entered your office determined to
become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I
changed my name. I objected, saying the Penus Van
Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left
your office. However, upon leaving, I chanced to
reconsider my hastiness and after considerable
reflection, I decided to heed your advice and endeavoured
to change my name. Now I am a famous actor with many
roles and known to millions worldwide. Having achieved
this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to
my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my
name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept
this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea
which has brought me to such wealth and fame.
Very Sincerely Yours,
Dick Van Dyke
Date: Mon, 9 Jul 2001
From: "Garibaldi's Cat"
Subject: joke
One sunny Friday afternoon the local beer & wine delivery guy was on his
last stop at a seedy bar on the outskirts of town. After he had completed
stocking the bar with libations, he happened to notice a large bucket on the
bar half full with twenty dollar bills.
"Damn, you sure do make great tips here.", the delivery man muttered to the
barkeep.
"That's not tips, man, it's just a little game we got going with our
patrons....a contest of sorts."
Perplexed, the delivery man had to ask,"So, uh, what kinda contest is this?"
"Well, if ya really wanna know. You pay 20 bucks to try your luck at three
tests, if ya pass all three you get the whole pot-o-money"
"Really......and what would these tests be, exactly", the delivery man
replied skeptically.
Well first, if you look over there by the door you'll see a rather
hulking behemoth of a bouncer we like to call Bubba, you knock him out with
one punch you pass the first test."
"Um....Really?", the delivery man replied weakly.
"Oh yeah", the bartender chuckled, "but that's nuthin'....follow me out
back."
The two men went out the back door which led to the front yard of a
house directly behind the bar. In this front yard slept a 200 pound male
Rottweiler. On the front porch of the house creaked a very ancient elderly
woman in a wooden rocking chair.
"For your second test, you gotta reach in my dog's mouth over there and
pull out the molar that has been hurtin' him for years...all before he kills
ya!", the bartender smiled.
"Sure...like that's gonna happen", the delivery man muttered "So, what's the
last test?"
"Well, for the final challenge.....you gotta hump my Granny over there on
the porch", the bartender laughed,"....and don't worry she WILL be willing
if you make it that far!"
"You're full of shit", the delivery man remarked as he wheeled around and
headed for his truck. He started up his truck and left, his work day now
completed.
Later that night, around closing time for the bar, the same delivery man
staggered in with a few friends he had been drinking heavily with all night
long. He navigated his way to the bar and clumsily slammed twenty bucks in
the bucket. Turning toward the bartender he yelled,"Awright fucker....I'm
winning this money tonight!"
The bartender laughed and replied, "Well have at it, brother!"
The delivery man then strolled over to the giant bouncer by the door, gave
him a cocky half-smile, and leveled him with a tremendous haymaker punch.
"That's ONE", he screamed to everyone in the bar.
He then strolled out the back door.....inside the bar, the bartender and all
of the patrons soon heard the sound of a horrific battle between man and
dog. Yelps, screams, barks and finally a series of whines were heard from
the area behind the bar, then finally all fell silent.
The man reentered the bar (now covered head to toe with dirt and blood),
sporting many scrapes, bites and bruises.
He limped over to the bartender and rasped "That's TWO, damnit, now where is
that old lady with the bad tooth?"
Date: Mon, 09 Jul 2001
From: Sharon
Subject: FW: OT but funny
There was this preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. Judiciously, he
then went to the Congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion by the congregation, they passed a
rule, that when the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to become expensive, thus, the congregation
decided to hold a meeting again, to discuss the preacher's pay situation.
As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the
preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"
he said.
In the back of the room, a little old man stood up. and in his frail voice,
replied: "Snow and rain are also acts of God but when we get too much of it,
we wear rubbers!.
Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2001
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT: Hotel Bill
> A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After > almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and > they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a > room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on > the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands > them a bill for $350. > > The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He > tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth > $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man > insists on speaking to the manager. > > The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the > hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center that > were available for the husband and wife to use. > > "But we didn't use them." the man complains. "Well, they are here, and > you could have." explains the manager. > > He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for > which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, > Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here." the manager says. "But we > didn't go to any of those shows." complains the man again. > > "Well, we have them, and you could have." the manager replies. No > matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we > didn't use it!" > > The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees > to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manger is > surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is > only made out for $100." > > "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my > wife." > > "But I didn't!" exclaims the manger. > > "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have." >
Date: Wed, 11 Jul 2001
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT: Redneck sex...
Subject: Redneck sex...
Dear Dr. Dover:
I wish to apply for an operation to cut my nuts and make me sterile. My
reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7
children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married here in West Virginia I was advised to use the rhythm
method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant, and
I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a
band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the
in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was
empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast
feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky
hair and was very healthy... but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse
this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant
again.
I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought
a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never
did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent
babies.
We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my
wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe
headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have
to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any
substitute for the real thing.
Yours sincerely,
Bubba Brickhead Morgantown,
West Virgina
From: Miga
Subject : a funny computer joke
Date : Fri, 13 Jul 2001
CAR TROUBLE
There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.
"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."
"I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?"
"Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
Date: Wed, 11 Jul 2001
From: "Garibaldi's Cat"
Subject: Fw: Some Real-Life Doctor's Experiences
> Real Life Jokes from Doctors ---------- Real Life Jokes from Doctors > A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her > baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, > lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I > noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an > elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big > breaths,"I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the > patient. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife > that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. > Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of > the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart. " > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > I was performing a complete physical, including the visual > acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and > began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line > perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I > requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top > line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he > was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to > finish the exam. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he > informed his doctor that he was having trouble > with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. > The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running > out of places to put it!" > The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped > he wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the > instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a > new one. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, > "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete > confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband > was alive." > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's > your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the > Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. > I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled > "KY Jelly." > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > And of course, the best is saved for last: > The Surgeon's Note. > A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman > with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a > variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was > quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was > scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the > operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, > and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." > Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note > on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the > lawn". [This message contained attachments]
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT:Joke may offend
> Meet the Pope > > Those of you who travel and get recommendations from > others will particularly appreciate this... > > A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park > Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome > with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the > hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone > want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of > Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. > > So, how are you getting there?" > > "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a > great rate!" > > "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a > terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight > attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, > where are you staying in Rome?" > > "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on > Rome's > left bank called Teste....." > > "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody > thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, > but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! > The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're > overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" > > "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to > see the Pope." > > "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a > million other people trying to see him. He'll look the > size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of > yours. You're going to need it." > > A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. > The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. > > "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only > were we on time in one of Continental's brand new > planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to > first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I > had a handsome 28-year old steward who waited on me > hand and foot. And the hotel -- it was great! They'd > just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's > a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were > overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their > owner's suite at no extra charge!" > > "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and > good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." > > "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured > the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder > and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the > visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his > private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet > me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked > through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down > and he spoke a few words to me." > > "Oh, really? What'd he say?" > > He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?" > >
Date: Mon, 16 Jul 2001
From: "Garibaldi's Cat"
Subject: What not to name your dog
Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I named
mine Sex. It was a mistake because Sex has been very
embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew
his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a
license for Sex. He said, " I'd like to have one too !"
Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care
what he looked like. Then I said, " But you don't
understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He
said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the
dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room
for my husband and me and a special room for Sex. He told
me every room in the place was for sex. I said, " But
you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." He
replied, " Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the
competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant
asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I
told him that I had planned to have Sex in the contest.
He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you
don't understand," I said."I had hoped to have Sex on
TV." He called me a show off.
When my husband and I separated, we went to court to fight
for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had sex
before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I
told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He
said, "Me too."
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking
around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked,
"What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the
morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday
Date: Tue, 17 Jul 2001
From: "Garibaldi's Cat"
Subject: You know you're having a bad way when...
1. YOU WAKE UP FACE DOWN ON THE PAVEMENT.
2. YOU JUMP OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING AND MISS THE FLOOR.
3. YOU TURN ON THE MORNING NEWS, AND THEY'RE SHOWING EMERGENCY ROUTES OUT OF YOUR CITY.
4.YOU GO TO PUT ON THE CLOTHES YOU WORE HOME FROM LAST NIGHT'S PARTY AND THERE AREN'T ANY.
5. YOUR BAR OF IVORY SOAP SINKS.
6. YOU PUT BOTH CONTACT LENSES IN THE SAME EYE.
7. THE BIRD SINGING OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW IS A VULTURE.
8. YOUR HORN GETS STUCK WHEN YOUR FOLLOWING A GROUP OF HELL'S ANGELS ON THE FREEWAY.
9. YOU GET TO WORK AND THERE'S A 60 MINUTES NEWS TEAM WAITING IN YOUR OFFICE.
10. YOUR FOUR YEAR OLD WAKES YOU UP WITH THE NEWS THAT IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO FLUSH A GRAPEFRUIT DOWN THE TOILET.
11. THE GYPSY FORTUNETELLER OFFERS TO REFUND YOUR MONEY.
12. YOUR BOSS TELLS YOU NOT TO BOTHER TO REMOVE YOUR COAT.
13. YOUR PET ROCK SNAPS AT YOU.
14. YOU CALL SUICIDE PREVENTION, AND THEY PUT YOU ON HOLD.
15. YOUR TWIN BROTHER FORGETS YOUR BIRTHDAY.
16. YOU WAKE UP TO DISCOVER THAT YOUR WATERBED BROKE, AND THEN YOU REALIZE THAT YOU DON'T HAVE A WATERBED.
17. YOUR INCOME TAX REFUND CHECK BOUNCES.
18. IT'S THE MORNING AFTER THE COMPANY OFFICE PARTY AND EVERYONE IS AVOIDING YOU.
19. YOUR DOCTOR TELLS YOU THAT YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO CHOCOLATE.
20. YOUR BLIND DATE TURNS OUT TO BE YOUR EX-SPOUSE.
Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2001
From: "Cecilia"
Subject: FW: Things heard in a bar...and what they really mean
--
> Things heard in a bar...and what they really mean: > > 1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME." (We won't be > here long enough to get another round.) > > 2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU." (Happy hour > is about to end... beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be > $4.50 a pop.) > > 3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?" (I have no > interest in talking to > you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a > compromising position.) > > 4. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?" (What's cheap?) > > 5. "DO YOU HAVE ANY SAMBUCA?" (I want to make my friend > really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.) > > 6. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE) (I am > really annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.) > > 7. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (MALE) (It's 6:00 > am and I just stopped drinking an hour ago. Probably spent half my > paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.) > > 8. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE) (You're > paying more attention to your friends than to me.) > > 9. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?" (I haven't bought a round > in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.) > > 10. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE) (Get out of the way.) > > 11. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE) (I am going to grope > you now and blame it on the crowd.) > > 12. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE) (Don't even think > about groping me, just get out of my way.) > > 13. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR." (Did I sleep > with him/her?) > > 14. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE) (I'm 16.) > > 15. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE) (I don't have a > license since I got pulled over and blew a .34 after my last visit here.) > > 16. "NO, REALLY, I'M OK TO DRIVE." (I'm wasted, and I'm > too embarrassed to have anybody see who I'm going home with.) > > 17. "I'VE HAD LIKE 10 BEERS ALREADY." (I've only had 3 > but need an excuse to behave this way.) > > 18. "I'M NOT USED TO THESE DARTS." (I can't throw > anything smaller than a pool cue when I'm this bombed.) >
From : Miga
Subject : [Fwd: Our Navy]
Date : Mon, 23 Jul 2001
(Note from Gok: AAAAAND WE HAVE A WINNER, LADIES AND GENTS!!!)
>This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian >authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio >conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95. >> >CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a >collision. >> >AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to >avoid a collision. >> >CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to >the south to avoid a collision. >> >AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert >YOUR course. >> >CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. >> >AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest >ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. >> >We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous >support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. >I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be >undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. >> >CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Date: Sun, 22 Jul 2001
From: "Garibaldi's Cat"
Subject: Things all boys should be taught
Don't throw a brick straight up.
Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
Your body has the correct number of holes; don't make more.
Don't microwave yourself too often.
Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.
Do not piddle on electric fences.
When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's hot
enough.
If you're on a ball field and someone shouts, "Heads up!" don't actually
raise your head. Cover it with your arms and duck.
Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
When you're in bed remember to close your eyes.
No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay outside of the
fences at the zoo. (Do NOT pet the big striped kitty no matter how pretty!)
When sticking thumbtacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
"Time" magazine isn't suitable to wear on your wrist. Get a watch.
1+1=2. Try to remember that. (Yes, you have thought for years it would me
more... but trust me on this one)
Don't count the peas in a can; it's not an exact science.
If you discover that February only has 28 days, don't report it to Consumer
Fraud. They'll ignore your complaint.
April 1st is International Boys' Day.