June's jokes :)
Date: Fri, 1 Jun 2001
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT: PMS
TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:
~ Pass My Shotgun
~ Psychotic Mood Shift
~ Perpetual Munching Spree
~ Puffy Mid-Section
~ People Make Me Sick
~ Provide Me with Sweets
~ Pardon My Sobbing
~ Pimples May Surface
~ Pass My Sweatpants
~ Pissy Mood Syndrome
~ Plainly; Men Suck
~ Pack My Stuff
~ Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
From: miga
>From: "Sakai213" >SUBJECTDate: Tue, 5 Jun 2001 09:01:16 -0400 > > >> >One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources >> >Director was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly >> >gates by St Peter himself. >> > >> > >> >"Welcome to Heaven", said St Peter." Before you get settled in, it seems >we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Director make >it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." >> > >> > >> >"No problem, just let me in" said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I >have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and >a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an >> >eternity in." >> > >> > >> >"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", >said the woman. >> > >> > >> >"Sorry, we have rules... " And with that St Peter put the executive in an >> >elevator and it went down to hell. >> >The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting >green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and >standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had >> >worked with and they were all cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of >golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent >steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy >> >(kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. >> > >> > >> >Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got in the elevator. >The elevator opened at the Pearly gates and she found St Peter waiting for >her. >> > >> >She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the >> >harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 >hours were up and St Peter came and got her. >> > >> > >> >"So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your >> >eternity" he said. >> >The woman replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven >> >has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." >> > >> > >> >So St Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. >> >When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland >> >covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags and >were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her >> >and put his arm around her. >> > >> > >> >"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and >there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and >> >had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and >> >garbage and all my friends look miserable." >> > >> > >> >The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, >> >today you're staff....."
Date: Mon, 4 Jun 2001
From: "Cecilia"
Subject: Things that drive ya nuts
THINGS THAT CAN DRIVE A SANE PERSON INSANE
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
(AMEN, HALLEUJAH!! - Gok)
Date: Wed, 6 Jun 2001
From: "Garibaldi's Cat"
Subject: OT: New Cat
How to prepare for a new cat
1. Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from the can and splash it across the carpet and the foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark with your socks on.
2. Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each night so that if you move a toe one inch while you are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.
3. Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.
4. Put everything cat-toy sized into a water bowl to marinate.
5. Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites so that when they steal, it won't be the whole breast.
6. Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor.
7. Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that's where the cat will drag it anyway (especially when you have company).
8. Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the t.v. shouting "No! No! Don't chew on the electric cord!" Miss the end of the program.
9. Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the corner of the living room in the morning and don't try to clean it up until you return from work that evening. p> 10. Gouge the surface of the dining room table several times with an exacto knife. It's going to get scratched anyway.
11. Practice searching every closet and open cabinet door before you shut it.
12. Knock all small items off your kitchen counter.
13. Chew the eraser off every pencil in the house.
14. Take a fork and shred the roll of toliet paper while it's still hanging up. Pull a few sheets off and scatter them around the bathroom.
15. Take a staple remover and punch two holes in every scrap of paper around the house.
16. Get a litter tray without a lid and mix in some tootsie rolls with cat litter and then tip it over right before the company comes. Make sure your guests get to find this before you do.
17. Buy a mixed bag of cat toys and stuff them under the refrigerator. Practice getting up at 2AM and fishing them out with a ruler or broom stick.
18. Take a warm cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your new cat falls asleep on your lap.
Date: Wed, 6 Jun 2001
From: "Garibaldi's Cat"
Subject: OT Thoughts for Today
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy."
"I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint."
"Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because where does he think he's going?!"
"A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say. 'That's dynamite, baby.'"
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
"Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up."
Date: Thu, 7 Jun 2001
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT:joke
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking
up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my
porridge?" He squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into
his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he
roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through
this? it was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was
Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early
morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the
table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box
and filled the cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided to
come down stairs and grace me with your presence....listen good
because I'm only going to say this one more time......
I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!!"
Date: Thu, 7 Jun 2001
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT:joke
A doctor was having an affair with his Italian-born nurse. Shortly
afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know,
he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and
have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back.
I'll take care of all the child's expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at
the office, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail
today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to
the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The
lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked her what she
thought might have caused the cardiac arrest. The wife picked up the
card and read it to him: "Four Spaghettis: Two with sausage and
meatballs, two without."
Date: Fri, 8 Jun 2001
From: "Dianne"
Subject: OT: Fable
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he
drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope
around the bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and
drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow
again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the
horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretches
over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull
yourself up."
And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
Mercedes to pick up a chick.
Date: Sat, 9 Jun 2001
From: "Ilana"
Subject: Fw: Nice ones
> Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." > -- Sharon Stone > > "My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." > -- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers) > > "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid > problem?" > -- Arnold Schwarzenegger > > '"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." > -- Jack Nicholson > > "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he > never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." > -- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady) > > "Ah, yes, 'divorce' - from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's > genitals through his wallet." > -- Robin Williams > > "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." > -- Billy Crystal > > "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing > in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say > that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." > -- Robert De Niro > > "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are > having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe > swelling. So what's the problem?" > -- Dustin Hoffman > > "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know > what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'" > -- Jerry Seinfield > > "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like > and just give her a house." > -- Rod Stewart > > "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only > enough blood to run one at a time." >
From: Purple
-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Fw: FW: Translating "Girl Speak"
Date: Mon, 11 Jun 2001
From: "Sakai213"
Hehehe!!
> > > > Subject: Translating "Girl Speak" > > > > > > > > Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe > >how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. > > > > > > > > Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five > >minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the > >trash, so feel that it's an even trade. > > > > > > > > Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. > >"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine". > > > > > > > > Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". > > > > > > > > Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you > >want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in > >just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. > > > > > > > > Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal > > > > statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks > >you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time > >standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". > > > > > > > > Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" > >are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is > >content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. > > > > > > > > Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last > >night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your > >clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 > >days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught > >in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them. > > > > > > > > That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a > >woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and > >hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in > >conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big > >trouble. > > > > > > > > Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for > >doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". > > > > > > > > Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're > >welcome. Thanks A Lot: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud > > > Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing." > > > >
From: miga
found this amusing, tho i do believe in coincidences... at least i try to.
>From: "Sakai213" > >What happens when a president gets elected in a year with a "0" at the >end? >Also notice it goes in increments of 20 years. >And LOOK! Year 2000 is where it lands! > >1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office) >1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated) >1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated) >1900: William McKinley (Assassinated) >1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office) >1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office) >1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated) >1980: Ronald Reagan (Survived Assassination Attempt) >2000: ?????????????????????????????????? > >And to think that we had 2 guys duking it out in the courts to be the one >elected in 2000! > >You might be interested in this. >Have a history teacher explain this ---- if they can. > >Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. >John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. > >Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. >John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. > >Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. >Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. > >Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. >Both Presidents were shot in the head. > >Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. >Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. > >Both were assassinated by Southerners. >Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. > >Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. >Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. > >John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. >Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. > >Both assassins were known by their three names. >Both names are composed of fifteen letters. > >Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford'. >Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by Ford. > >Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. >Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. > >Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. > >And here's the kicker: >A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. >A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe. > >Creepy, huh? Send this to as many people as you can, 'cause, hey, this is >one history lesson people don't mind reading. > * * * *
From: Miga
Subject: [Fwd: HEHE...]
Date: Thu, 14 Jun 2001
>SUBJECT >> The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "Which body >> part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" >> No one answered for a long time till little Mary stood up, >> angry, and said the teacher should not be asking 6th graders >> a question like that. She was going to tell her parents, who >> would tell the principal who would fire the teacher! The teacher >> ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part >> increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Finally >> Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10 times >> its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye. The teacher >> said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and said, "As >> for you, young lady, I have three things to say: >> 1) you have a dirty mind, >> 2) you didn't read your homework, and >> 3) one day you will be very, very disappointed."
From: eldeen
Subject: [Fwd: Fw: Cat Heaven!]
Date: Sat, 16 Jun 2001
Cat Heaven
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you are here?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!!"
Date: Sun, 10 Jun 2001
From: "Ilana"
Subject: Fw: [SciFiKS] Dissing women for a change.
> Well, these are just a few jokes dissing women for a change... since we > seem to get ALOT of anecdotes about men in this list. > And then there're just some cute ones about pick-up lines and a really > cute one on things to do while downloading. :) > Enjoy. > > Yours, Omri. > > Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. > Woman discovered hunting, invented furs. > > Man discovered colours, invented painting. > Woman discovered painting, invented make-up. > > Man discovered speech, invented conversation. > Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip. > > Man discovered agriculture, invented food. > Woman discovered food, invented diet. > > Man discovered friendship, invented love. > Woman discovered love, invented marriage. > > Man discovered woman, invented sex. > Woman discovered sex, invented headache. > > Man discovered trade, invented money. > Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess > > -------------------------------------------------- > > Life's Instructions in 10 easy steps > > 1.Money is not everything.... There's MasterCard & Visa. > 2.One should love animals.... They are so tasty. > 3.Love everybody.... Love every BODY. > 4.Save water... Shower with your girlfriend. > 5.Love the neighbor. But don't get caught > 6.Behind every successful man, there is a woman. But behind every > unsuccessful man, there are 2. > 7.Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing > in life. > 8.A successful man is one who can earn more than his wife spends. A > successful woman is one who can find such a man. > 9.Wise never marry. And when they marry they become otherwise. > 10.Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives. > > --------------------------------- > > Top Ten Things Only Women Understand: > > 10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes. > > 9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white. > > 8. Crying can be fun. > > 7. FAT CLOTHES. > > 6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a > balanced lunch. > > 5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack > can be considered a peak life experience. > > 4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. > > 3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good > hairdresser is next to impossible. > > 2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten > minutes. > > AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND: > > 1. OTHER WOMEN! > (Send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as > friends) > > ------------------------------- > > A Woman's Prayer > > DEAR LORD: > SO FAR TODAY, I AM DOING ALL RIGHT. I HAVE NOT > GOSSIPED, LOST MY TEMPER, BEEN GREEDY, GRUMPY, > NASTY, SELFISH OR SELF INDULGENT. I HAVE NOT > WHINED, CURSED OR EATEN ANY CHOCOLATE. HOWEVER, I AM > GOING TO GET OUT OF BED IN A FEW MINUTES AND I WILL NEED > A LOT MORE HELP AFTER THAT. AMEN > > ------------------------------- >
. . . I seem to be out of room (?!!??) so I've put the rest of them in part two, ok? Thank you for your time, Hugs from Gok.