written by Haruka Spork Tenou

i remember...like it was a dream..like it happened to someone else...

i had been sitting at lunch, having gotten my food quickly within a minute of the bell ringing...

i sat, pensive, alone even with someone across the table from me...i ate mechanically...like my mind was somewhere else...

and it was.

i don't remember exactly what i thought those last few minutes of innocence.

i know it was....not happy fuzzy thoughts of bunnies.

i thought...of death. and life..and depression..and loneliness. vaguely

times of gone eras passed before me and i cared no more than if they had never happened

i was brought back from my journey somewhere...by a teacher.

my teacher.

she told me...i don't remember exactly. but i remember the meaning of her words.

she told me i looked pensive. like i was the thinker of the world.

a poet. a bard. a writer. a student.

a lie.

last moment of innocence

i make no sense to anyone and i know it.

i don't care.

my mind doesn't let me care.

this world can and will be as sad as it seems...no dont tell me that, tell me sweet nothings that mean just that...

i can't be someone i'm not

my mind makes my thoughts swirl down the spiral

i was the thinker

as she died.

i was the thinker.

i connected to their mood. their rage their pain their...bloodlust.

while they killed her...my friend...

i connected.

in those few minutes....

i could have been the monster behind the gun.

what do i say now?

everything is anticlimactic now.

i just confessed to the world...so now what do i tell them?

im held close by those who don't know me.

they say they know my pain.

do they know....

do they know of the monster they hold?

i'm not lying to them or me.

i am and have always been a monster.

i can take that gun in hand and kill.

i can sacrifice myself to the altar of my bloody fifteen minutes of fame.

but i am sanctified.

she loves me

i can't be all that bad then, can i?

such innocence...such purity...

and given to me.

i'm not giving her back.

we are in each other's power and nothing can stop us from that love we bear.

yet....my thoughts are filled with blood.

does she know?

my hands are filled with the steel.

and so is my heart.

i can't hurt her.

i cant tear her down to make it all go away.

i must.....

i must leave her.

she doesn't deserve to be subjected to my....bloodlust...rage...storms...

aishiteru, michiru....sayonara....

.......

~fin

~~~~~~~~~~~

ok...i MEANT for this to be a poem about the 20th...but it evolved into this.

This poem is from the point of view of Haruka, if she were me and had lived thru what i did that long ago day.

Hopefully i did her justice in my mangling of her.

i started this...as a balm for my soul.

it turned into a confessional.

yeesh. im getting all maudlin now.

well anyway, this is a freewrite freeverse poem written on the spur of the moment.

i was also listening to nine inch nails and kaze ni naritai, unmei wa utsushiku, senshi no omoi and initial u when i wrote this.

so that may explain (As if ANYTHING i do can be explained) why this turned out..kinda wierd.

and for those of you who don't know, the part of this poem that talks about death and stuff...(ie the whole poem) well let me see, you can check out this site

you should be able to figure out what i'm talking about in the poem.

don't email me to wish me to hell, i can't go somewhere if i don't believe it exists.

don't email me to tell me that my friends were evil monsters and deserved to die. they were people and they were loved.

don't email me to tell me that you know my pain. you don't you are not me and you cannot know what goes thru my head and heart.

i dont' need to hear the same bullshit i heard in littleton. i moved to get away from it. dont send me it.

well anyway.

flames, comments, thoughts, questions, ect. should all be sent here.

i'm out.

peace, love, and three cheese canneloni for all

Haruka Spork Tenou