Two Notches Past Insanity (1x13)
by The Chaos Factor
Original Air Date: 19 December 2000
(SANTIAGO CITY)
(HARSH REALM)
When Pooh_Bah heaved the metal manhole, she almost let go of it.
"Feels like fungus crawling over this!" She bellowed.
"It *is* fungus!" Megan replied. "Listen, after almost two months of not finding out who the hell's gonna be the final survivor because The Chaos Factor was too busy writing Virtual Season episodes, I wan't this over."
"Speaking of which, I wonder what they're doing. In the Real World." Pooh_Bah noted.
"Probably having pina coladas and getting caught in the rain." Megan grumbled.
They both heaved themselves out of the sewers and sat on the street. Pooh_Bah coughed, the smell was so pungent. Unfortunately, the stench was all over them too.
"Where do we go from here?" Pooh_Bah piped up suddenly.
"Well, ya figure one of us is supposed to be The One, right? I mean, I don't think they deleted the Prophetic Source Code."
"Naw."
"So, one of us is gonna die, and the other's gonna kill Santiago."
Megan secured a small Sig Sauer into her belt and pulled her shirt over it to hide it.
"Yeah. I guess." Pooh_Bah tore open the last remnant of their rations she had (a Rice Krispies™ Treat) and ate it.
"Hmm . . . "
"Which one of us is it?"
Megan suddenly leapt to her feet. It wasn't because a platoon of Republican Guard was veering their way, or a tank, or a copter, but she did it for the simple fact that she wanted to look intense.
"Only one way to find out!"
THWACK! Megan went out cold. Behind her, the Republican Guard they hadn't noticed walk up to them with the billy club grinned. Pooh_Bah looked a bit stunned.
He proceeded to thwack her as well.
(HOLDING BARRACKS)
(THE REAL WORLD)
(FORT DIX, NEW JERSEY)
Alexei Romanov lay beaten up, bruised, and a bit scroungy at the bottom of the cell. Pinocchio reached over and kicked him for good measure.
"What did I ever see in you?" He grumbled.
On the other end of the cell, The Chaos Factor stood on his knees, reading furiously across the page of the Reader's Digest book the Man In Charge had so nicely allowed him to have. About four pages into it, he realized it was vulgar, bizarre, and utterly incoherent.
Tony Fuchs reached over to snatch the book up from TCF. "What book is it?"
"'Catcher In The Rye' by Salinger."
"I love that book!" Pinocchio chimed in.
"Figures." TCF muttered.
Behind them, the rattling of bars, then the jail door opening up. Someone pushed someone else in, and slammed the door shut. That someone else let off a soft sigh just as Markus realized who it was.
"Inga Fossa." Markus croaked.
Inga looked around, and found everyone looking at her with the coldest gleam of anger she'd ever seen. Except for one of them; Pinocchio looked at her with wild rage. He did the only thing that came to his mind.
He lunged for her throat.
(GOVERNMENT HOUSE DETAINMENT CENTER)
(SANTIAGO CITY)
(HARSH REALM)
If Megan known where the others in the Real World were being held, she would have realized they were in a cell that looked exactly like the one she was in. She rubbed her forehead, feeling the slight bump on it from the outta-nowhere attack on both her and Pooh_Bah.
She crawled over. "Pooh_Bah." She whispered.
The Pooh_Bah who is Inimitable groaned. Dried blood lined her jaw. Still, she managed to pry an eye open. "Leave me alone. My head's killing me, and I think the PMS got knocked out."
Megan shook her head. "They've got us in a cell. We still hafta find Santiago and take him out."
"Yeah?" Pooh_Bah coughed, and added rather nonchalantly, "Be my guest."
She motioned to the third person in the corner of the cell. Megan blinked, she hardly noticed him. His back was turned toward them, and he sounded like he was either humming the theme from "Millennium" or just plain old trying to figure out what yoga was.
Megan walked up to him. As she approached, he turned around.
Megan gaped.
"Santiago . . . "
(HOLDING BARRACKS)
(THE REAL WORLD)
(FORT DIX, NEW JERSEY)
"And that's what's been going on all along." Inga finished.
"Really?" Chance Harper asked from the back.
Inga nodded. "Everything. The objective of taking out Santiago, the reason for unleashing you all into the Realm to survive, and the whole conspiracy involving Carla Jane, The Man In Charge, everything."
"Huh." Ladyhawke sniffed. "We've sold ourselves out just to make you guys some quick, cheap money."
Mike Pinocchio lay on the ground, a bit embarassed. That was the first time he lunged for someone and tripped over his shoelace, landing on a cow pie lying precariously in the middle of the cell. Hell, he wasn't getting up. He'd just mope. Mope, mope, mope. And grunt. And swear. And complain.
"Well, *honey*," Pinocchio piped up angrily at Inga, "When do we get out of here?"
"When Pooh_Bah, Megan, and CJ and Hunter finish the game."
"Yeah? And when's that?"
Inga shrugged. "How the hell should I know?"
(GOVERNMENT HOUSE DETAINMENT CENTER)
(SANTIAGO CITY)
(HARSH REALM)
"Quick, Pooh_Bah! Give me something to kill him with!"
Pooh_Bah rolled her eyes. Santiago blinked. Megan cocked an eyebrow.
"You don't take him out." Pooh_Bah retorted.
"What?"
"He's Santiago, but he's not our objective. We don't kill him. We kill the guy impersonating him."
"Impersonating him?"
"I've been in here for six months!" Santiago suddenly broke in, bobbing his head. "They put me in here."
"Who?" Megan asked.
"The man."
"What man? What did he look like?"
"He had two eyes! And a nose! Right over . . . *gasp* . . . his mouth!" Santiago squirmed. He had a look of total fear in his eyes. "Oh, and, uh, he looked exactly like me." Suddenly he changed the subject. "Wanna meet my pet mousie? He's been my best friend for the past four months."
A small mouse wandered out of a crack in the wall and into Santiago's hands. Megan backed off. She recoiled back to Pooh_Bah.
"What's with him?"
"Being in prison and losing the ultimate power can knock a few screws loose, Meg." Pooh_Bah replied in a matter-of-fact tone.
"So, what, we take out the guy who's impersonating Santiago, and then . . .?"
"Game over. We go home."
"You, Meg, and me, sister." A new voice cut in.
The two girls turned around to see Hunter standing in front of the jail cell door, keys in hand and an M16 slung around her arm.
"I'm breaking you out, and we're all going home."
(GOVERNMENT HOUSE HALLWAY)
(SANTIAGO CITY)
(HARSH REALM)
"Why are you doing this?" Meg said.
"Got sick of backstabbing, I figured the longer I stayed with the conspiracy, the longer I'd be trapped in Harsh Realm by them. Here, P_B." She handed Pooh_Bah an MP5K. "Just like Daddy."
Before Pooh_Bah could cut in, a gruff male voice behind them shouted, "HEY!"
The three girls took off just as four Republican Guard opened fire.
A turn down the right corridor. More gunfire. Pooh_Bah swerved her hips and let a round fly. One of the Guards digitized, others joined in the exchange. Megan ducked (Author's Note: you do remember Hunter didn't give Meg a gun, right?) just as Hunter returned fire.
"Keep running!" Hunter screamed. "I'll hold them off!"
"Your funeral." Pooh_Bah said, and followed Megan as Hunter stopped, turned around to face the onslaught of Guards.
She swung up her M16, gave a war cry that was a cross between something from "Braveheart" and something from "Xena", opened fire, and digitized just as a bullet pierced through her chest.
(UPPER LEVEL, GOVERNMENT HOUSE)
(SANTIAGO CITY)
(HARSH REALM)
"You think she made it?" Megan asked.
"No." Pooh_Bah shrugged. "Probably not."
"Damn, you're taking this awfully well." Megan rasped.
"I got diagnosed with PPPB last summer." Pooh_Bah replied. "Post-PMS-Pinocchio-Behavior. After PMS, I start acting like my father. Where to?"
"Left. If I read the schmatics of the Government House right after watching 'Insertion' forty times . . . "
"All right . . ." Pooh_Bah grumbled. They turned left.
(SANTIAGO'S PRIVATE OFFICE, GOVERNMENT HOUSE)
(SANTIAGO CITY)
(HARSH REALM)
When the two girls burst through the door, the first thing they saw was a large desk. Behind the desk sat a chair, turned away from them, hiding the identity of the man sitting in. They could only discern two things with their limited point of view: the person was wearing a red beret, and had Carla Jane sitting on his lap.
Carla Jane smiled when she saw the two girls enter. She pulled closer to the person she was sitting on. "They're here, sir." She crooned.
She reached over and pulled open the desk drawer. In her hand was a digiwand, and coyly, she turned it on, letting it vibrate. The person took it and ran it over his face. Then, he swivelled the chair around.
"You!" Pooh_Bah shouted.
The Man In Charge smiled. Pooh_Bah swung up her MP5K just as Carla Jane shot her. She digitized.
Megan was still in shock. Carla Jane smiled along on the Man In Charge's lap and took another sip of wine from the glass on the desk.
"Well, Megan Reilly." The Man In Charge grinned. "Congragulations. You're the last survivor of the Unit that stuck with it to the end."
Megan didn't reply.
"You want to know what this is all about." said Carla Jane.
Megan nodded. "Yeah."
"Go on, tell her." A new voice cut in. Megan turned to see another man emerge from the shadows. Suddenly her eyes narrowed, pure, raw hate flowed through her veins.
"Doug Herzog!" Megan clenched her teeth. She spat the name at him. Then she turned back to the Man In Charge. "What's this all about?"
"Money. Green pieces of paper with dead presidents on it." Doug Herzog answered. "Tell him, Mr. Man In Charge."
"FOX needs new shows." The Man In Charge explained. "They've cancelled two of their up-and-coming shows that they thought were gonna be two of their three major sluggers. Sure, 'Dark Angel' rocks, but they had to cancel 'Freakylinks' and 'The Street'. Now they need a new juggernaut. That's when they approached us. With the success of the summer's smash 'Survivor', they wanted a reality show. We sent all of you in, surveilled your every move, and . . ."
"And killed us one by one. And you don't even have to worry about paying us a million dollars." Megan finished. She rested her right hand on her belt.
"Exactly." Herzog said. "And I might get a crack at being the President of FOX again!"
"What do we call the show?" The Man In Charge asked.
"'Harsh Survivor' has a nice ring to it, don't you think?" Carla Jane supplied.
"Yeah, it kind of does." Herzog noted.
"So what happens now? I go home? I'm the high scorer?" Megan asked.
Carla Jane got off of the Man In Charge's lap, her grin broadening. "Not quite." In her hand was a small automatic pistol, a padded silence on its barrel. "I *was* in the Unit, remember? It's down to you and me. You're unarmed. Someone's gotta win the game . . . we don't have to take out Santiago, just be the last person of the Unit to remain."
She leveled the gun at Megan.
"You wouldn't . . ." Megan wavered.
"So sorry, Megan. I was hoping Alexei would have been the final survivor, but I guess gays can't win all the games, can they? I'll be satisfied with being the winner."
A shot rang out.
Carla Jane fell on her knees and digitized.
Smoke curled from the barrel of Megan's Sig Sauer.
(Author's Note: You do remember the Sig Sauer, right? If not, go read the beginning of this over again. And do take note of her putting her hand on her belt a few paragraphs ago. Thanks.)
The Man In Charge looked horrified. He reached over to the small gun on his own desk just as Megan shot at him. He pulled his hand back as the bullet missed his wrist by centimeters.
"I got a mission. Take out the high scorer of Harsh Realm. And I'm gonna finish it." Megan churned.
She pulled the trigger. The Man In Charge's body twitched forward, blood streaming from his uniform.
"Ow! You shot me, you a-hole!" He said in a whiny voice. The Man In Charge digitized.
Leaving just her and Doug Herzog.
"Um . . .see, it was like this . . ."
"Hello." Megan grinned. "My name is Megan Reilly. You killed my show. Prepare to die . . ."
"No, see, it wasn't entirely my decision . . ."
"Hello! My name is Megan Reilly! You killed my show! Prepare to die!"
"Now if it only garnered in better ratings . . . "
"HELLO. MY NAME IS MEGAN REILLY. YOU KILLED MY SHOW. PREPARE TO DIE."
"Please, I might consider making a DB Sweeney movie marathon . . ."
"HELLO! MY NAME IS MEGAN REILLY! YOU KILLED MY SHOW! PREPARE TO DIE!"
Herzog fainted.
Megan turned around and ran to the portal room.
(PORTAL ROOM, GOVERNMENT HOUSE [wait, isn't it in Central Security?])
(SANTIAGO CITY)
(HARSH REALM)
She slid open the door and sat in the Portal. It rolled over, tossing back light over her virtual body. She watched herself turn into a haze of blue, shimmering with an unearthly glow, and then disappear.
Finally, it was over. She was the final survivor.
(THE REAL WORLD)
(SIX MONTHS LATER)
Pooh_Bah rubbed her large stomach and gulped down another half-gallon of orange juice in one gulp. God, the twins were really getting her hungry. What, what should she name them? Huh. Only time would tell.
Everyone else had gone back to their respective lives. Allison Dobell was working on her projects, Megan was getting the Virtual Season in order, The Chaos Factor was . . . The Chaos Factor, Tony was doing his stuff, Jules disappeared, and newbies were popping up like mushrooms. Pinocchio was being his grungy, foul self, Isaac was after the other Pooh_Bah clones, and amaresu was off at a fast-food restaurant buying burgers. Ladyhawke was doing her magical arts, Carla Jane had gone her way without any bad blood between her and Megan (at least, that's was CJ said, and CJ had a lot of quirks of her own) and writing slash, the clones were being clones, Chance Harper survived the sixty-fifth plane crash in a row, Azar was living life to the fullest, and Pooh_Bah herself was on the run from Alexei, her mom, and the Romanovs after being impregnated without her consent.
Everything was all back to normal.
[ END EPISODE 13 ]
[ END SEASON ONE ]
[ END WHOLE DAMN SERIES ]