Let's face it, there's a lot of fanfic out there these days. Here in the tiny D:tS fandom, a new story may come along just once every few months, but even the most obsessed geek with no life couldn't dream of keeping up with the daily flood of, say, X-Files fanfic. And since this is a harsh, cruel world, lots of fanfic means lots of bad, "it's sucking my will to live!" fanfic. So, what does a reader do to save her time, her sanity and her aesthetic sense? Well, there are certain obvious ways to sort (pairing, author, genre), but there are also certain clues that tip you off to the fact that, even if it's your favorite sort of story in the whole world, it's still going to suck. As a public service, here I give a partial list of these clues. All examples are arbitrary inventions, so if I happen to directly refer to an actual person or story, it's entirely coincidental. And, yes, I'm aware there are exceptions; these are just ways to help sort through a massive pile.

• The author's pseudonym derives from that of one of the characters. For example, a Forever Knight story by "Lucia." For some reason, these stories are particularly bad if the character in question is either the villain or one of the love interests.
• The author uses any sort of title. For example, Lady Jane of the Seven Grails. People who are still in the stage of life where they think fake titles are really neat are unlikely to have developed their writing skills to a tolerable level yet.
• The author's pseudonym is "Celtic" or neo-pagan. Now, don't write in accusing me of religious persecution. I could debate the merits of neo-paganism for hours, but that's not the issue here. It's really just a specialized version of the rule mentioned above: actually calling yourself "Lord Samhain" suggests an addiction to romanticized play-acting which is unlikely to be compatible with a good story.
• The title of the story comes from a song. This is a tricky one, and not always reliable. I myself have written stories with song titles, and although a story named after a certain Celine Dion song is likely to be dreadful, I'd actually be intrigued by a story named after, say, a Leonard Cohen song. The question here is usually not the quality of the song, but whether it's of a nature to inspire good writing. Excessively romantic or angstful songs tend to produce excessively romantic or angstful stories and although five minutes of romance or angst may even be enjoyable (who doesn't have a Cure album lurking somewhere in her past?), having to wade through pages of it is not likely to be. Still, if other indications are promising, the story might be worth reading. You never know; the author might be being ironic.
• The story description includes ridiculous abbreviations. I don't mean here useful indications of pairing, genre and the like. PWP is a perfectly valid designation. I'm talking about the more ludicrous ones, especially in slash, which refer to the need for extra underwear and so on. Distasteful andchildish; what more do you need to know about the story?
• The dreaded "OC" in the description. Need I say more? (Actually, I should: it's a real shame that any time a writer introduces a female character, she has to worry about whether she's a Mary Sue. But they're so endemic that it's unavoidable.)
• The description mentions vampires or other supernatural characters in a non-supernatural show. Hey, I like vampires, but it boggles my mind that anyone would actually do something as ill-advised as put unicorns in a "Blakes 7" story. Context is everything, people!
• The introductory section talks about the characters as if they were the author's best friends. Sadly, this may well be true for the authors, but such people are no friend to the discerning fanfic reader. Anyone who prattles on about how dearest, darling Avon just begged her to write this story, weg lol, should be avoided at all costs. Relentless self-absorbed hilarity rarely makes for a good story. Nor does a lack of detachment from the characters.
• "I wrote this in an hour and posted it right away!" If it isn't worth her time to revise, it sure isn't worth your time to read.

Well, there you have it--how to separate the sheeps from the goats, or die trying. Remember: life's too short to read bad fanfic!

---

Return to archive