Signature List

Compiled By Bekka Mouri

Don’t Tell Me How To Do My Job. I Don’t Go Down To The Whorehouse And Tell You How To Do Yours.

La La La I Can’t Hear You La La La

Rehab Is For Quitters

To Save Time, Let’s Just Assume I Know Everything.

Beer: Makes People See Double And Feel Single

I’m In Such A Good Mood; I Might Even Share My Toys.

And I Should Care Because?

Only You Can Pervert Forest Fairies

Sorry If I Look Interested… I’m Not

I Negotiate For The Space People

I Sell Crack For The CIA

Excuse Me If I End This Conversation By Dropping Dead From Boredom

I Dress This Way To Bother You

That Dress Would Look Better On Dennis Rodman

I’m Not Religious But God Talks To Me Anyway

Looks Like You Fell Out Of The Ugly Tree And Hot Every Branch On The Way Down

I Will Not Obsess I Will Not Obsess I Will Not Obsess

Unlike Computers, Women Will Reject A 3 ½ Inch Floppy

Surviving Nicely Without A Website, Thank You

Save Your Breath For Your Inflate-A-Date

That’s It! I’m Calling The Mothership!

I Refuse To Organize My Life, It Will Interfere With The Creative Process

Never Underestimate The Power Of A Sick Mind

Lead Me Not Into Temptation; I Can Find The Way Myself

I’m Right And You’re Stupid

You’re Standing On my Imaginary Friend

Bitch: Not Just A Word, A Lifestyle

You Just Don’t Get It, Do You?

Member Of The Boyscouter Club

Destined To Become An Old Lady With Lots Of Cats

I May Look Like Me But I Am Really My Evil Twin!

Vegetarian: Indian Word For Lousy Hunter

You Remind Me Of Opium: A Slow Working Dope

You! Off My Planet!

WWJD: What Would Jesus Drink?

Live Every Second As If Your Ass Is On Fire

Are You Coming On To Me Or Having A Seizure?

All Me, All The Time

My Inner Child Just Threw Up

Excuse Me But I Have Souls To Harvest

Just Act Normal, I’m Here To Help You Escape

You Can’t Piss Me Off; I’m On Prozac

Come Out Come Out Whatever You Are!

I’m Busy You’re Ugly Have A Nice Day!

Are You Some Special Kind Of Stupid?

I Refuse To Star In Your Psychodrama

You’re Just Lucky I am Visible Today

Reality Challenged

I May Be A Nasty Bitch But I Am Good At It

Tell Your Little Voices To Shut Up; I Can’t Hear Mine

You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Talk To Me

In My Next Life, I Will Be Thin. Pass The Cookies.

Got Into The Medicine Cabinet At An Early Age

Go To Hell, I Hear They Are Hiring

Any Connection Between My Reality & Yours Is Purely Coincidental

Just Lurking

I’ll Admit It Or Deny It; Whatever Works

I’ll Smile When I’ve Ruined Someone’s Day

Damn Tootin’ I’ve Been Naughty; Now, Spank My Evil Butt!

Assassins Do It From Behind

Led Astray By Daytime Television

Life’s A Bitch Then You Strangle One

I Have My Faults But Being Wrong Isn’t One Of Them

You’re Agitated And Confused, My Work Here Is Done

Money Isn’t Everything But It’s Right Up There With Oxygen

If I’m Not Happy, Nobody’s Happy

Running Around, Trying to Look Important

Men Have Feelings Too But Who Really Cares?

My Reality Check Just Bounced

It Only Seems Kinky The First Time

When I’m Famous, You Can Tell Everyone You Had Sex With Me

I’m Not A Bitch, I’m THE Bitch

What Attracted You To Me… So I Can Correct It

Why Can’t I Order The Men In The Catalogs?

I’m Not Desperate… I’m Just Really Really Available

I Always Wanted To Be Somebody; I Guess I Wasn’t Specific Enough

Lately, I Have Been Thinking About Becoming Really Good At Something

Super Sadomasochistic Expealidocious

I’m Not Opinionated, I’m Just Always Right

If Idiots Could Fly, This Place Would Be An Airport

People Use Drugs Because They Work

I Actually Thrive On This Atmosphere Of Crisis And Hysteria

It’s Early. Talk Slowly. Use Smaller Words.

After I Cook The Vegetables, What Do I Do With The Wheelchairs?

Everyone Thinks I Am Psychotic Except For My Friends Deep Inside The Earth

Please Forgive Me For Being Right Once Again

Building My Insanity Defense

Good Morning… Sort Of

Tell The Beautiful People I Don’t Miss Them

If We Aren’t Supposed To Eat Animals, Why Are They Made Out Of Meat?

You Are A Disgusting Pervert; I Like That In A Person

You Live On The Edge. Well, I Fell Off Some Time Ago.

Shouldn’t You Be Home Downloading Porn Off The Internet?

Most People Have The Decency Not To Stare

You Pierced Your What?

Do That Again And They Will Be Tracing You In Chalk

Yield To The Princess

I Hope You Have A Good Sense Of Humor Because You’ll Need It When I Am Through With You

I’m In Touch With My Inner Bitch

Do They Ever Shut Up On Your Planet?

While You Are Driving Me Wild, Could You Stop At The Mall?

Let’s Just Say I Don’t Respond Well To Authority

I’m Going To Take A Nap But You Keep On Talking

You’re Pathetic. I Like That In A Person

Living Proof Fairies Exist

Prozac: Cause Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut, Sometimes You Don’t

I Killed My Inner Child And I Buried It With The Others

As Long As They Think We’re Crazy, We’re Safe

Visualize Whirled Peas

Act Weird And Let Them Wonder

Helmet Laws Interfere With Natural Selection

You Say I’m A Bitch Like It’s A Bad Thing

Nothing Is Illegal Until You Get Caught

Keep Smiling, Everybody Loves A Moron

Graves To Rob. Houses To Haunt. Blood To Drink.

In Some Cultures, What I Do Is Considered Normal

If You Don’t Like The Way I Drive, Stay Off The Sidewalk

My I.Q. Test Came Back Negative

Of All The Things I Have Lost, I Miss My Mind The Most

Remember My Name; You’ll Be Screaming It Later

Go Away, I Have Enough Friends Already

Let’s Put The Fun Back Into Funeral

Have You Ever Stopped To Think And Forgot To Start Again?

Your Powers Are Useless!!! I Am Wearing Tin Foil Underwear!

I Said No To Drugs But They Wouldn’t Listen

Money Can’t Buy Love But It Can Buy You Lots Of Sex

Slave Wanted: No Experience Needed. Will Train.

Friends Help You Move. Real Friends Help You Move Bodies.

When I Snap, You’ll Be The First To Go

I’m Smiling Because They Haven’t Found The Bodies Yet

Don’t Piss Me Off. I’m Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies.

Caution: I Go From 0 To Bitch In 2.7 Seconds

Will Work For Sex

I Do What My Rice Crispies Tell Me To Do

Caution: Weird Load

Girls Whip Ass

Whip Me, Spank Me And I Will Love You Forever

Beware: Stupid People Are Breeding

Let Me Shop And No One Will Get Hurt

No Coffee=No Workee

Some People Are Alive Simply Because It Is Illegal To Kill Them

I Like A Little Pain With My Pleasure

I’m Not A Vegetarian Because I Love Animals… I’m A Vegetarian Because I Hate Plants

Your Village Called, Their Idiot Is Missing

Don’t Annoy The Crazy Person

Finish Your Beer; There Are Sober People In China

I Used All My Sick Days So I Am Calling In Dead

I’m Not Paid Enough To Be Nice To You

I Did NOT Escape… They Gave Me A Day Pass

Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups

I Found Jesus! (He Was Behind The Couch The Entire Time!)

Why Is It Called Tourist Season When We Can’t Shoot Them?

Jesus Is Coming! Look Busy!

Not The Brightest Crayon In The Box, Are We?

Did You Ride The Big Bus Or The Little Bus To School?

Damn Right I’m Good In Bed! I Can Sleep For Days!

I Ran Into My Ex… I Put The Car In Reverse And Did It Again.

Of Course I Don’t Look Busy… I Did It Right The First Time.

Do You Want To See The Man In Charge Or The Woman Who Knows What’s Going On?

I Can Fix Anything… Where’s The Duct Tape?

I’m So Good, I Scream Out My Own Name During Sex!

I Smile Because You’ve All Finally Driven Me Insane!

I’m Just Two People Short Of A Menage A Trois

Just Because You Have One Doesn’t Mean You Have To Be One!

Bomb Squad: If You See Me Running, Try To Keep Up!

I’m The Most Fun I Have Ever Had!

I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed, What More Do You Want?

Therapy Has Taught Me That Nothing Is My Fault

I Hit Two Good Balls Today… I Stepped On A Rake.

If Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life, I’m Screwed.

Men Aren’t From Mars, They’re From Penus.

The Answer Is: No Wucking Fay!

Revenge: The Reason I Get Up Each Day.

Kwitcherbitchin!

Michelle gave me this one:

If I decide to lose weight, I'm taking everyone in America with me!

And these came from http://www.coolsig.com, where you can find MANY cool lines!

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

On the road of life, there are windshields and there are bug splats.

The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies.

Never try to leap a chasm in two jumps.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.

There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek such problems because you need their gifts. - Richard Bach, "Illusions..."

A man who lives in a glass house should change in the basement.

The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

It is important to stay cool, but be sure to not get frostbite.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

An agreeable person is someone who agrees with you.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

Be bold in what you stand for and careful what you fall for.

Boys will be boys... and so will a lot of middle-aged men!

In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.

You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.

Forgiveness is like the fragrance a flower gives after it's been stepped on.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

How can there be self-help GROUPS?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?

If the Better Business Bureau cheats you, whom do you complain to?

If you had a million Shakespeare's, would they write like a monkey?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Why do they call it life insurance?

Is Lever 2000 soap Y2K compliant?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, who's the idiot that said: Quit while you're ahead?

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?' - George Carlin

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?

Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?

After heat killed bad germs, where do they go? Obviously not in heaven, since they've been bad. Surely then can't go to hell, for the heat would kill them again(?)...

When it rains, how come cows don't knock on the farmer's door and say, "Hey, let us in, we're all wearing leather out here!"

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? - George Carlin

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'asteroids'?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?

What's the speed of dark?

If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, ...how cold will it be?

May I refuse to inherit the earth?

In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll tell them so?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

My other vehicle is a broom stick.

"No, YOU suck" - the mean people.

Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?

Millions of sperm and YOU were the fastest?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.

Jesus saves - Gretzky gets the rebound and scores!

Wanted: Overnight Meaningful Relationship

You! Out of the gene pool!

Single Women Can't fart, They Don't get A**holes till they Marry.

I'm going crazy. Wanna come along?

When in doubt, poke it with a stick.

Only in America do we have drive up ATM's with braile on them.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

The only ones who aren't grateful on Thanksgiving are turkeys.

The only people to get even with are those that have helped you.

Man must exist in a state of balance between risk and safety. Pure risk leads to self-destruction. Pure safety leads to stagnation. In between lies survival and progress.

You ARE what you eat.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.

You know what? I'm glad I'm not a laboratory animal. Do you have any idea how many of those little bastards get cancer?

If you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the car - the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window!

If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand we'd be so simple we couldn't understand.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

The more you cry, the less you have to pee.