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I've noticed an increase in the number of hits my page has had recently, so I figure I should give an update...
My doctor visit went alright - I'm now taking Prozak (well, the generic Prozak) for my condition. I've noticed a few effects. 1. I'm a lot more drowsey lately. When I get home, I have to fight to stay awake long enough to eat dinner. 2. I don't feel myself slipping into depression nearly as easily as I used to. This is a major plus for me.
My doctor says it takes the medication 4 to 6 weeks for the effects to settle into whatever they are going to be for me (results vary according to the patient). I'm hopeful this drowsey thing will even out soon. Thanks to everyone who have given me support through this tough time - silent or otherwise, I know you all are thinking of me.
Today I did one of the hardest things I think I have ever had to do... I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I'm more responsible for the losses in my life than I was trying to make myself believe. I came into work this morning feeling down, and I got to thinking about why I hadn't sought help before - and what it had cost those around me. Several times I had to excuse myself to the men's room as I broke down - overwelmed.
With that thought, I penned an e-mail to my ex-wife and my ex-best friend (those who know me understand the significance). I had realised that I had married to her in an effort to prove to myself that I was okay - that I didn't have a problem. I had married her under false hopes and pretenses, and I appoligised to her. I also appoligised for the hatred I felt towards the both of them when the divorce was going on. My hatred was driven by my false sense of a normal life being ripped from me. I didn't forgive them completely - no matter what my state of mind was, what they did and the manner it was done deeply hurts.
I also penned an e-mail to my ex-girlfriend. She was always so supportive of me. She did more for me out of love than my wife had ever done, and I held her at arms length. I kept her out because I was still overcome by the grief of my divorce, and the feeling that this too would end tragiclly - as they all have before. She didn't deserve that treatment from me. She's with someone now who can give her the happiness that she deserves, and I am thankful for that. I appoligised for not taking heed to her concerns of my health, for not being what she needed, and for taking away a year of her life that could otherwise have been the blissful paradise that she enjoys now.
I know there are many more friends and family members I will have to come to terms with in the coming months. I realise now that I've been a bit of a jerk - all because of foolish pride. Some who read this will know - and I ask for your forgivness, and for your support. It will take a long time for me to come to terms with what I have been hiding from everyone else - and myself. ...and I am scared...
The show last night was a bit of a letdown. I had hoped to hype it up some for a stronger first-night showing... I don't blame people for not going, it is quite a ways outside the Metro Atlanta Area. We had 5 or 6 singers all night - young kids - so the music was somewhat obscure for karaoke (Hard Rock, Rap, etc.). The people there seemed to have a good time, but the bar owners closed us down 30 minutes early - they said some folks had complained that the same few people singing over and over was "Boring". They had mentioned that if the crowd wasn't bigger next week, they may keep the house music going. I don't know how that would affect Bob getting paid for the evening but it didn't sound to me all that promising...
Tonight I start my new karaoke show for Bobs Karaoke Entertainment. I hope that I can hold it together through the show...
Today I have taken the first few baby steps to try and make myself a better person: I acknoledge that I have a problem, and that I need help. Clinical Depression has run in my mother's side of the family, but because of stubbornness or denial, I have thought that I could manage it. People in my life who cared for me have tried to show me that I needed help, but I cast them asside - even going so far as to drive them out of my life - a pain I shall have to bear for a long time.
I have called my health provider and made an appointment to have myself evaluated - to see what can be done to make things right within. Hopefully, March 11th will be the new beginning that I have pined for all my life...
Those who know me, understand that I have had a rough time of the last two years. My divorce was very rough on me. Well,I have bottomed out... I don't remember much of it, but I remember enough to know that I need help. Last night I became so overwelmed with sorrow and pain, that I resorted to drinking. I wanted to make it all go away - I wanted to make the hurt stop, if only for one night, so bad, that I drank to the point that I passed out...
I vaguely remember calling my sister, I don't recall her coming in (luckily she has a key to my place), I do remember crying nearly all night. The feeling of emptiness and sorry was so great that I just wanted to disappear off this earth...
It has been a while since I have posted to my website. Many things have happened since then. I'm still trying to put everything into perspective and figure out where I go from here...
I'd like to say that I know these changes can only make me a better person. I'd like to say that I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'd like to say that I'm happy...
...but I can't...
