Did u ever asked your
self why Laurie L.? well here is the
answer. L.L. means Lawrence Livermore, the owner
of Gilman Street and friend of them, thats why
they use that name.
My
Adventure With Green Day by Laurie L.
Dear
Diary, I still can't believe it!!! Me, Laurie
L., the plainest, most boring girl at Pinole
Valley High School, the girl that all the boys
bark at when I walk by, the girl whose mother
wouldn't even let her go to a New Kids On The
Block concert because "there's often a bad
element at those rock concerts, dear," I
got to go on a four day tour with my total
hearthrobs, GREEN DAY!!!! Little did I know that
when I entered that "Win A Dream Date With
Green Day" contest in Tiger Beat magazine
(my lame-o brother calls it Puberty Beat, but
what does he know, he's probably a homo anyway)
that I, out of all the millions of Green Day
fans in America would get picked! The day that
letter arrived was the happiest day of my life.
But before I could get too excited, I realized I
had a biiig problem.... my parents!! I knew
they'd never let me go off with a rock band for
even one night, let alone four days! So for once
I decided not to put up with their crap. I
wasn't sure what to do, so at school the next
day I went around to all the weirdos and asked
them what would THEY do? See, I figure people
who have blue mohawks and only come to school
when they feel like it and make these gross
magazines with naked pictures in them must have
figured out a way to handle their parents. So I
went to this guy Eggplant (boy, I feel sorry for
him, his parents must have really hated him to
name him something like that), and he looked at
me like, "You really want to go on tour
with Green Day?" And I said, "Oh yeah,
I'd DIE to go on tour with Green Day." He
looked at me kind of funny and said, "Yeah,
but would you KILL?" I thought he was
joking, but I wasn't sure. Then I looked at his
beady little eyes piercing deep into my soul and
I KNEW he wasn't. I thought, hmmm, what the
hell, you only go around once, might as well go
for it, blah blah, blah... So I said, all kind
of hoarse and everything, "Yeah, I guess I
would...." And he said, "Then the one
you should talk to is Claude." Omigod!!!
Even I had heard of Claude. He's so evil that
he's practically...SATANIC!!! He dropped out of
school in eighth grade and all he ever does is
take drugs and read weird books and molest
little girls. I was always afraid to even look
at him. But I'd gone too far to stop now. After
school instead of going home I went to Telegraph
Avenue in Berkeley where all the scummy people
hang out, and sure enough, there was Claude. He
looked all perverted and he was smoking
cigarettes and all these girls were standing
around him like they wanted him to do bad stuff
to them. But they got out of the way when they
saw me coming, and Claude wasn't mean or dirty
or anything. He was actually kind of nice. He
said, "My friend Eggplant tells me you have
a problem." I said, "Two problems,
actually. Two really big ones."
"Parents, huh? This ought to take care of
them." He handed me a brown bottle it was
full of pills. "How many of these should I
take?" I asked him. He laughed, kind of
heh-heh like. "No, you don't take them,
THEY do. Your parents." "Oh no,"
I said, "my parents wouldn't take drugs.
They're Christian Scientists." "You
look like a smart little girl. I'll bet you can
figure something out." And you know what,
he was right, I DID. That night I offered to
help my mother with dinner. Then, when she
wasn't looking I emptied all of Claude's
capsules into the mashed potatoes. Then I said I
didn't feel like eating, and went upstairs and
listened to all my Green Day records five or six
times. After a while I stuck my head out the
door. "Yuck!" I heard my father
saying. "These are the worst mashed
potatoes I ever tasted in my life!"
"Then cook your own goddam dinner, you lazy
scumbag. I'm not your slave." I was
surprised, my mother didn't usually swear. My
dad said, "I'm not going to eat these, they
taste like shit." But my mother yelled at
him, "You eat those potatoes or I'll dump
them over your head and shove the dish up your
ass." "Shhh" he said,
"Laurie will hear you." "She's
asleep, the stupid little bitch. I swear, I
don't know how my daughter could be such an
idiot. I bet the babies got switched at the
hospital." "Now, now, she's just a
little bit slow." "Yeah, and I wonder
who she got it from. Are you going to eat those
potatoes?" My dad always does what mom
tells him. I even heard him scraping the bowl.
After a while I heard a clunk and a crash and
then the whole dining room table fell over. I
went downstairs and they were both flopped out
on the floor, like totally dead. It was pretty
weird. I realized that I'd better do something
before my brother came home, because I didn't
have enough pills to get rid of him, too.
Luckily we have a brand new garbage disposal, so
I took a butcher knife and cut mom and dad into
pieces and put them down the garbage. It took a
long time and it was kind of messy, but I kept
singing all my favorite Green Day songs, and it
made the work easier. The only trouble was, the
bones wouldn't go down the garbage disposal, and
now I was getting nervous, because my brother
would be home any minute. Then I got an idea. I
gathered up all the bones and carried them out
into the backyard and threw them over the fence
to our neighbor's pit bull. He was so happy he
didn't even bark at me. Then my brother came
home. "Where's mom and dad?" he asked.
"Uh, they went away. To... uh...
Utah!" "Utah! Why the hell would they
go there?" "Uh, I think they decided
to become Mormons or something." He looked
at me kind of weird and went upstairs to look at
his porno pictures. I went in my room and
started packing my bags. The next morning, I was
at the airport. My own private jet waiting for
me there, and you know what, it was all painted
GREEN, and on the side of it said, "WELCOME
ABOARD LAURIE L., GREEN DAY TOUR '90." So I
went on the plane, and I was the only passenger!
And all the stewardesses just waited on me! And
we listened to Green Day records all the way to
Arizona, where the tour was going to start. When
I got there, there was a limo, a GREEN limo, of
course, waiting for me, and this guy in a top
hat opened the door for me, and when I got in
the back seat THERE THEY WERE! All three of
them, Billie Joe, Mike , and Tre!!! I was so
excited I didn't even know where to sit. I mean,
I didn't know which one I wanted to sit next to
first. So I sat in between Billie Joe and Tre
and they both started talking to me, and I
didn't know which one I liked best cause they
were both so nice, but then I decided I liked
Billie Joe better because Tre kept singing these
rap songs that had a lot of bad words in them.
In fact, I was surprised that they let him be in
the band, because I didn't think Green Day ever
said swear words. Well, they did on that one
song, "Knowledge," but that's only
because it was written by that other band,
Operation Ivy, who I heard were a bunch of punk
rockers. Then we went to a show at this place
called "Hippycore" and there were all
these people with long hair standing around
eating vegetables and stuff. It was kind of
icky. But the worst thing was when I found out
that some OTHER bands were going to play, too. I
got really mad and said, "Why can't Green
Day just play for three hours. Why do you have
to have these other stupid bands?"
Everybody told me to be quiet, that the other
bands were good too. But they weren't. I mean
they weren't Green Day. They didn't even have
any songs I could sing along to. So I kept
yelling, "BOOOOO! You're terrible! We want
Green Day!!" until some punker girl told me
to shut up or she would rearrange my face with
her bottle opener. I wondered if she was just
trying to be friendly, then I decided she wasn't
, so I went outside to wait for my heroes. But
when they finally played, it was worth
everything. Billie sang every one of my favorite
songs, and then, right in the middle of
"Disappearing Boy," he stopped and
said, "I'd like to dedicate this song to
our special friend Laurie L., who came down from
Pinole to be with us here today. She's just so
beautiful and nice, gosh, I know if she was my
girlfriend, I'd never disappear again. That's
when I fainted. When I woke up, the show was
over and they were packing up the equipment. I
said, "Billie Joe, did you really mean what
you said on stage." And he looked at me all
sincere, and said, "You know it, babe, but
our love can never be, because I already belong
to another. Besides, you're too young and
innocent for the life of a rock and roll wife.
Take my advice, go back to Pinole and finish
high school, and some day you'll make some lucky
man very happy." "But Billie, I'd do
anything to be with you. I already did! I killed
my parents just so I could be with you here
tonight!!!" But he just laughed and said,
"Really? Killed your parents, huh? That's
pretty cool." Then we all got in the Green
Day tour bus to drive to Los Angeles. I was
pretty excited because I never was in Hollywood
before. I had a map of all the movie stars'
houses and everything. But we didn't see any
movie stars, just a bunch of boys with big
hairdos and women that Tre said were
prostitutes. I never know whether to believe him
or not, he's kind of mean, you know. I'm
starting to think that maybe he's my least
favorite member of Green Day, because he kept
singing that horrible Ice Cube song that goes
"bitch-killa, bitch-killa." Besides,
when I asked him for his autograph, he said I
had to talk to his agent, and when I asked who
his agent was, he started to unzip his pants. So
I screamed and Billie and Mike told Tre to
behave and he did after that, even thought I
said I thought they should tie him up or
something until the next show, but Mike said a
lot of drummers are like that, their brains just
get rattled around too much from all that
pounding. Then you know what? I saw Billie and
Mike drinking out of BEER BOTTLES!! I was
shocked, because they're not even 21, in fact
they're only 18, so I asked them what was the
big idea, but Billie took me aside and
whispered, "Listen, you've got to keep this
a secret, but there isn't really beer in these
bottles." "There isn't," I asked.
"No, it's really milk. Everybody in Green
Day likes milk best of all, but the thing is, we
drink it out of beer bottles because if we don't
people will make fun of us and say we're
sissies." Then I understood, and I felt so
sorry for the boys. Peer pressure is such a
terrible thing. At the show in Hollywood I even
got to stay backstage and everything, but just
when the boys were getting ready to play there
was a knock on the dressing room. "It must
be our deli tray," everyone said, but it
wasn't, it was the POLICE! Omigod!! I jumped in
front of the officers and said, "Wait,
don't arrest Green Day, it's not beer in those
bottles, it's really just milk!" He looked
at me and said, "Is it now? And your name
wouldn't happen to be Laurie, would it, little
lady?" And I said, "That's my name,
don't wear it out." "Then we'll have
to ask you to come with us." "What do
you mean," I screamed. "Are you crazy?
Green Day is going to start playing any minute
now!" But he said, "Sorry, it can't be
helped," and they took me in the back of
the police car and handcuffed me and everything,
and then I thought, oh god, I wonder if this has
anything to do with my parents? Sure enough it
did. That stupid pit bull dragged one of my
dad's collarbones into the house and his owner
found it and called the police. So I didn't get
to see the rest of the tour, and I had to go to
court and everything and now I'm in jail, and I
might not get out until the year 2019. Oh well.
Everyone's pretty nice here and they let me
listen to my Green Day tapes. But they all ask
me, was it worth it? Killing your parents just
so you could go on tour with Green Day? And I
just smile, a deep, knowing smile, because I've
seen and done things that they'll never
experience, not if they live to be 100, and I
say, "Of course it was. After all, everyone
gets two parents, but there's only one GREEN
DAY."
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