The Laws of Nature

Well, this sub-page has been a long time in coming, but it's finally here. I had a few of these definitions and "laws" floating around at home, so I had the idea to add them to my page - it's just taken me a couple of years to do so while I was adding just about everything else to this page!

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.

Corollary:
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.

Barth's Distinction:

There are two types of people - those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.

Bevan's Law of Judgement:

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Burke's Gardening Doctrine:

All you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your footpath.

Byrne's Law:

In any electrical circuit, appliances and wiring will burn out to protect fuses.

Campbell's Freeway Ordinance:

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Clancy's Marketing Principle:

People will buy anything that is one to a customer.

Conway's Law:

In any organisation there will always be one person who knows what is going on - this person MUST be fired.

Davian's Criterion:

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Fifth Law of Applied Terror:

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

Corollary:
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

The Constant Law of Frisbee:

Never precede any manoeuvre by a comment more predictive than "Watch this!"

The Garvan Axiom:

Always borrow money from a pessimist - he doesn't expect to be paid back.

Herman's Law:

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

Hurewitz's Memory Principle:

The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uh...

Kyle's Statute:

Horse sense is that quality a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Lambert's Law of Investment:

$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.

Main's Law:

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Malek's Law:

Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.

Maverick's Electronics Principle:

After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.

Corollary:
If you attempt to include these parts in the instrument, it will fail to operate.

McCabe's Law:

Nobody HAS to do anything!

McGowan's Axiom:

(a) If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
(b) Anything labelled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the price went up.
(c) When the label is entitled "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" it means the price went way up.

Morton's Law of Acquisition:

You can't have everything - where would you put it??

Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:

Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

The Nuremberg Licorice Axiom:

The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.

Corollary:
Any non-licorice gumballs you manage to extract will nonetheless taste like licorice.

Oliver's Law:

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Parker's Law:

Beauty may be only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.

Paul's Law:

You can't fall off the floor.

Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:

It's on the other side.

Quinley's Postulation:

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.

The Reaper's Law:

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

Rule of Feline Frustration:

When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

Rule of the Great:

When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.

Second Law of Business Meetings:

If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.

Corollary:
If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong, anyway.

Smith's Precept:

Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.

Tussman's Law:

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

Vanin's Law:

A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).

Weiner's Law of Libraries:

There are no answers, only cross references.

Xander's Principle:

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.



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