Golf Jokes

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Four coworkers always golfed as a group at 7 A.M. every Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them was transferred out of town, so they began talking about how they would fill out the foursome. A woman standing nearby said, “Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group?” They were hesitant, but invited her to play a round, after which they would decide whether to bring her in permanently.

They all agreed and she said, “Good, I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.” She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round.

The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, “Ok, I’ll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.”

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed and matched her 7-under-par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed and they asked her to join the group for keeps.

They had a beer after their round and one of the guys asked her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

She said, “That’s easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his pecker is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed. If it’s pointing to the left, I golf left-handed.”

Another member of the group asked, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”

She replied, “Then I’ll be here at 6:45.”
 
A guy and his wife are out golfing one day when they come up to the hardest hole on the course; it goes way downhill and you can’t quite see where your drive goes. So they tee off and walk down the hill and, lo and behold, this guy’s ball is right in front of a big barn.

The couple looks it over, and the wife says, “You know, if we open both barn doors, you will have a clear shot to the green.”

The guy agrees, and they open both of the doors. He hits his ball and it makes it through the first set of doors but hits the far wall and comes ricocheting back—hitting his wife in the head and killing her.

A few months pass and he is out golfing again with his buddies. They come up to the same hole and, wouldn’t you know it, the guy’s ball is right behind the barn again. One of his golf buddies says, “You know, if we open both barn doors you will have a clear shot to the green.”

The guy replies, “Nah, last time I tried that I got a 7.”

Scoop
Lethbridge, Alberta


 
A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks, “Sir, is that your wife?”

“Yes.”

“Did you hit her with that golf club?”

“Yes. Yes, I did,” the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

“How many times did you hit her?”

“I don’t know. Four…five…six…put me down for a four.”

Bill B
Atlanta, GA


 
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”

The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”

“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”

“Tiger Woods.”

“Tiger Woods the golfer?”

“Yeah.”

“Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

“What are you doing?” asks his wife.

The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that!” she claims.

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

“What are you doing?” she asks.

The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” again she claims.

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it a third time.”

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this damn hole!”
—Ben Lerman, New York, NY
 

Divine Intervention

Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he’s sick and convinces the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won’t run into anyone from his parish. On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself—everyone else is in church!

Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"

Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard hole in one!

Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiles and replies, "Who’s he going to tell?"

 

Birthing coach: "All you mommies-to-be should know that walking while you’re pregnant is very beneficial. And you husbands, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partners."

One husband: "Is it OK if she carries a golf bag?"

 
One morning a man is golfing when he meets a woman on the course. He finds her attractive, and he asks her if she’d like to play with him. So they play a round, and she wins by five strokes. Sensing the guy’s embarrassment, the woman offers to accompany him to the parking lot and give him a blow job in her car to make him feel better.

For the rest of the week, they play together every morning. The woman wins by five or six strokes each time, then gives the guy a blow job in the parking lot. That weekend he invites her to his house for a romantic dinner.

She arrives and blurts out, “I must confess something to you. I’m a transvestite. I’m really a man.”

“You son of a bitch!” the guy replies. “You’ve been hitting off the women’s tee all week!”

 
A guy out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right to the nuts. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he asked,“How bad is it, Doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fianc is still a virgin.”

The doctor said, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay in about two weeks.” Then the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentioned none of this to his girl and the two got married. On their honeymoon night, she opened her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts and told him, “You’ll be the first; no one has ever touched these before.”

The new bridegroom dropped his pants and said, “Look at this — it’s still in the crate!”
 
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free.”

The second man said, “My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’s so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.”

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, “My son is a stockbroker, and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio.”

The fourth man joined them on the tee several minutes later. The first man mentioned, “We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?”

The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar.”

The other three men grew silent as he continued. “I’m not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boy friends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.”