Golf Jokes
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| A couple went golfing one day A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, “Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it’ll cost us a fortune to repair.” Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to watch out! Now we’ll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.” They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, “Come on in.” When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke the window?” “Uh…yeah, we’re very sorry about that,” the husband replied. “Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.” “Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.” “No problem,” said the genie, “You’ve got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It’s the least I can do.” “And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked. “I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said. “Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name,” the genie said. “And now,” the couple both asked in unison, “what’s your wish, genie?” “Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.” The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?” She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn’t mind.” The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, “How old are you and your husband?” “Why, we’re both thirty-five,” she responded breathlessly. “No shit! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?” Matt CoxKirkwood, MO A man staggers into an emergen A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. “Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was enjoying a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its ass. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball—stuck right in the middle of the cow’s ass. That’s when I made my mistake.” “What did you do?” asks the doctor. “Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ ” Mike Fontana, CA Every Saturday morning an avid golfer gets up early to catch his morning tee time and spend the day playing golf. One Saturday morning, as is his schedule, he gets up early, eats a quick breakfast and heads out to the course. The weather is terrible; there’s a torrential downpour with snow mixing in and a 50 mph wind. Defeated, he comes back into the house and turns the TV on to the weather channel, which informs him it’s only going to get worse. He puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses, then slips back into bed with his wife. “The weather out there is terrible,” he whispers. “Yeah,” she replies, “can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?” Steve Rau Brooklyn, NY A Texas businessman is in town to meet with a large Japanese corporation. The meeting is set for a golf course the next day, so that night, the Texan decides to get some entertainment in the form of a hooker. Considering his meeting, he selects a Japanese hooker. While they are having sex, she keeps screaming, “Ding Wa! Ding Wa!” Thinking that this must mean “great” or “awesome,” he prepares to use it to impress his business associates. So the next day, while golfing, one of the Japanese men tees it up and gets a hole in one! The Texan looks at him and says, “Ding Wa!” The Japanese man looks up curiously and asks, “What do you mean ‘wrong hole?’” Rob Worcester, MA A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot that overlooked a golf course. He drove by and noticed a couple inside with the interior dome light on. In the driver’s seat there was a young man reading a computer magazine, while in the backseat was a young woman knitting. Recognizing this as unusual, the officer walked up to the driver’s window and tapped on the glass, asking the man his name and what exactly he was doing. The man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, “My name is John and that’s my girlfriend in the back seat.” “OK, so what are you doing?” asked the officer. “What does it look like?” John answered. “I’m reading a magazine.” Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer asked, “And what’s she doing?” John looked over his shoulder and replied, “What does it look like? She’s knitting, sir.” “And how old are you?” the officer asked John. “I’m 25,” John replied. “And how old is she?” asked the officer. John looked at his watch and said, “Well sir, in 12 minutes she’ll be 18.” J. Eros Pirate Booty Four men go golfing one day. Three of them head to the first tee, and the fourth goes to take a leak. The three men start talking about their sons. The first man says, “My son is a homebuilder. He’s so successful he built a house for his friend, free of charge.” The second man says, “My son owns a big car dealership. He’s doing so well that he gave his friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.” Not to be outdone, the third man brags, “My son’s a stockbroker. He gave a close buddy an entire portfolio.” The fourth man rejoins the group, and the first man says, “How’s your son doing these days?” “Well, my son is gay, and he go-go dances in bars,” the guy replies. There’s an awkward silence. “I’m not thrilled about his job,” the guy continues, “but he must be doing well. He’s got new a house, a Mercedes, and an impressive stock portfolio.” Robert Carley Palmer, AK |