Golf Jokes

The game of choice for frontline workers is football.

The game of choice for middle management is tennis.

The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.

Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.

Man: "Oh thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"

Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner.

The man replies, ''Well we were maried for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do.''

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

A man will spend hours looking for the golf ball!

But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired. His wife asked, "What's the matter, Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now."

Bill said, "Well, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole."

"My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him. "That must've been terrible!"

"It was," he said. "All day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again..."

The coroner calls him in and says, "She definitely died from a blow to the head caused by the golf ball. But the only thing we can't understand is why was there a golf ball in her rectum?"

"Oh," he replies, "that must have been my mulligan."

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

To which she responded, "Three years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she replied, "31 years old"

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"

God steps up and waggles and wiggles and then badly hooks his ball into the trees. As it flies in, a huge oak is struck by lightning and splits, one half falling into the path of the oncoming ball and knocking it into the fairway. As it comes to a rest, a bare 50 yards out, a squirrel darts out of the woods on the other side and grabs the ball and takes off towards the left-side woods. Before he gets in, an eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel, carrying it aloft down the fairway. Just as it passes over the green, the eagle is pelted by hailstones, whereupon it drops the squirrel (still clutching the ball) onto the green about three feet from the hole. Dazed, the squirrel spits the ball out where it rolls up and stops on the lip of the cup. Suddenly there is an earthquake! The ball drops in... hole in one!

Jesus stares at John the Baptist with a pissed look, then turns to God and says: “Dad? We gonna play golf, or are you just gonna mess around?”