Dr Julien Le'trange was awarded the Nobel Prize for Medicine recently for his discovery that in men, the truth gland and the penis share a common blood supply.
Australians are so lazy that in their everyday communications they shorten every multi-syllable word or sentence to one or two syllables. For example, 'Australia' is 'Oz', 'Australian Rules Football' is 'Footy', 'We didn't get into the World Cup Finals' is 'Shit!', 'You cut into my lane and prevented me from speeding' is 'Piss off!'. It is therefore no surprise to know that Aussies have taken to SMS text messaging on their mobile phones as hungrily as great white sharks circling drowning refugees off the coast.
If you eat a sun boiled parsnip in Mexico, without having first consulted the local Quaker assemblyman, you can either get 100 years in jail, or be hung by the neck from a horse's large intestine.
The finding of American oil in locations below the sands of the Iraqi desert remains one of the worlds greatest geological mysteries.
Officially there are 131 shades of black, seven of which are protected by copyright.
The reason that Clive Anderson speaks so quickly goes back to a childhood accident, when he was 11. Before the accident he spoke normally, at a measured pace. The accident occurred at his local swimming baths, when he dived into the wrong end and hit his head very hard on the bottom. When he surfaced he began speaking very quickly, gasping for breath. He has, from that day forth, spoken in the same strange manner. The accident is also the reason why he has absolutely no neck.
50% of the genetic code of brocoli is identical to that of the human being.
If you were to remove your entire intestinal tract and lay it out in a long straight line you would almost certainly die long before you discovered how far it could reach.
The penis is not, as recently stated in this column, an organ. It is a flute.
The original line-up of the Village People in fact included a Jesus lookalike. Seven-foot, former Mr Gay Alabama, Herman Crookville, played the part in a hessian wig, sackcloth robe and army boots. He and his Santa Claus counterpart were sacked from the group shortly before their breakthrough into the mainstream for their repeated drunken arguments over the nature and purpose of yule logs Mr Crookville can now be seen in Dial4Men adverts during Late Night Poker on Channel 4.
Following Mary and Joseph's honeymoon in the Roman colony of Britannia Jesus was initially named Arthur of Bethnel Green. However later on in life his spin doctors recommended the name he is commonly known by because his real one made him sound like a sad gimp.
A new advertising campaign by the Church of England is promoting suicide as a good method of getting closer to God.
In 1605, Christianity entered it's darkest period when God himself proved that he didn't exist. This fact was subsequently covered up by the church, claiming that he was "under a lot of stress at the time.
It is a little documented biblical fact that the night that Jesus turned water to wine was quite a drunken affair. Jesus had a brawl with John the Baptist in which John broke two of Christ's teeth. Judas flashed his bottom to a group of nuns and Peter was arrested for urinating in public.
In the Corinthian Letters from Paul the Apostle, chapter 56 verse 87-201 bear an uncanny resemblance to instructions as to how to assemble an oakwood bedroom closet from Ikea.
In a shock announcement, God yesterday apologised for creating the United States. "It seemed funny at first, but after I sobered up I realised I'd buggered up" he said. When questioned about his formation of the Southern Baptist movement he replied "Christ on a bike, I must have been really trashed!"
Groundbreaking scientist Prof Mark Potts of the UEA has come up with his latest evolutionary theory. Prof Potts explains 'The Duck Billed Platypus is indeed a duck that got really cold and grew a fur coat'. When asked what happened to its wings Potts replied 'They didn't want to look as stupid as Penguins.'
Ferrets can be taught to dance, but only to songs by Kylie Minogue.
It has been discovered that Professor Stephen Hawking's wheelchair is in fact an evil, mind-controlling, cybernetic parasite that forces the helpless Hawking to solve the quantum-mechanical conundra of existence against his will.
Scientists have managed to create the world's first cybernetic being. It has the intelligence of a carrot, and is currently employed as a TV weathergirl.
Too many cooks do not in fact spoil the broth but Jamie Oliver does.
In extensive tests carried out at the University of Hard Knocks it has been proved beyond doubt that human life is a sexually transmitted disease that is 100% fatal.
Tapeworms make ideal pets. They eat what you eat, go where you go, do not need exercise, do not incur hefty vets bills and never shit on the carpet. They are also free.
The huge number of different types of beetle proves one of two things: either God really really likes them, or evolution is right.
The most common illness among management consultants is acronymitus, an uncontrollable urge to convert every phrase into an acronym or abbreviation. Chronic sufferers have lost the ability to communicate using normal words and construct entire sentences made up of words which are in fact acronyms. This makes conversation impossible with anyone except fellow sufferers. It is predicted that this will lead to inbreeding and the eventual extinction of the race.
DISCUSSION GROUP POSTINGS THAT ARE ENTIRELY IN UPPERCASE LETTERS ARE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN ALL THE OTHERS AND THEIR AUTHORS ARE SUPER INTELLIGENT.
It is well known that internet traffic slows down at the start of the business day in the USA, but it is less well known that the average speed follows a monthly cycle, slowing down and accelerating throughout the month as the performance functions of all the connected web servers and routers interact. For 4 days each month the speed drops to 80% of the monthly average, causing computers everywhere to slow down, e commerce sites to crash, orders to be lost, e mails to go astray, and massive user frustration leading to anger and tears. This is known within the internet community as 'that time of the month'.
An attempt to introduce professional Baseball to the UK in 1962 was rejected in parliament by the then sports minister, on the grounds that it was "silly".
In rememberance of World War 2, the US started the World Series Baseball championship, inviting teams from all of the countries which helped them win the war to participate.
Representatives from the Football Associations of over 40 countries will table a motion at the next meeting of FIFA's exectutive council banning the United States from participating in all international tournaments until they stop calling it "soccer".
The queen keeps a pet mongoose called Camilla.
BBC's Diarmud Gavin is in fact a very good gardener, extremely knowledgeable on plants and has an aversion to concrete structures of any kind. However, he is sponsored on TV by ReadyMix, and is thus obliged to include large ugly constructions in every garden make-over. His own garden is very conservative, with no mirrors or anything painted pink.
Gnomes are actually anti-gardeners, while you're asleep or away on holiday they spend their time planting weeds or breeding slugs and aphids. Garden centres that sell them are actually Gnome training centres hoping to boost their sales of weed killer and slug bait.
Broccoli is the most inert vegetable. The least inert is the Mexican Jumping Bean
It has recently been estimated that approximately 3 out of 4 people make up a staggering 75% of the worlds population.
Despite rumours to the contrary, men do make passes at girls who wear glasses. Studies have confirmed that women who wear corrective vision spectacles have sex approximately 14% more often than women with perfect vision. Myopic women also have sex around 5% more often than those with long sight. Studies also confirmed that blondes have around 6% less fun than brunettes. Red-heads are the most doleful, having as much as 12% less fun, however.
President George W. Bush's 2003 defense budget of $379 billion includes $126,000 for Batman costumes.
Plans are afoot to follow up the roaring success of Gulf War II with the Sunni and Shia Jihad World Tour.
Following a misprint at the UN, the US has now declared war on Trevor.
Psychologists have recently revealed that there are only two things in life that make us truly happy: (1) unboxing a new piece of electrical equipment, and; (2) seeing others fail.