“So my doctor told me that I should be able to start training next week,” Liam declared as Julia pulled the clothes out of the washing machine, showing little interest in what he was saying.
          “Oh that’s fantastic,” she grunted and wrestled with a sheet that was determined to stay in the machine.
          “And by that time my scrotum should be fully waxed,” he continued, testing to see if she was listening to him at all.
          “I’m sure that’ll be a thrill for you,” Julia mused. “Can you give me a hand putting these out?” she added, motioning to the huge pile of washing.
          They had been at the washing line for about five minutes, Julia hanging the washing out as Liam obediently handed her pegs, when the back door flew open and a ginger cat was thrown out the door.
          “AND DON’T THINK YOU’RE EVER FUCKING GETTING FED AGAIN YOU SELFISH LITTLE FUCKER!"
          “So, uh, how is she doing?” Liam asked, rather worried for the cat.
          “She’s doing so much better,” Julia smiled as she pegged a singlet on the line.
          “That’s better?” Liam gasped and stared at her in disbelief.
          “Yeah,” Julia nodded. “She’s actually talking now. Whatever you do, don’t mention the ‘R’ word though or she’ll be back to drinking straight mocha and she’s never pretty when she’s on the mocha."
          “I’ll keep that in mind,” Liam frowned as he diligently handed her another peg. “So how’d the garden party go?"
          Julia rolled her eyes. “Fantastic. We talked about the best time to plant bougainvilleas and drank champagne before my hysterical best mate called me and unfortunately I had to go pick her up from the airport."
          “You sound crushed."
          “Well, it might have been nice to stay and have wild monkey sex with Ryan near the frog pond but, you know, shit happens,” Julia shrugged.
          “JOOLS SOME HORRENDOUS RELATIVE OF YOURS IS ON THE PHONE!” Kirsty yelled from somewhere in the house.
          “Tell them I died in a horrible jelly accident,” Julia bellowed back.
          “Will do,” Kirsty called back.
          “Jelly accident?” Liam mused, raising an eyebrow.
          “You’ve never experienced the horrors of being immersed in a giant tub of strawberry aeroplane jelly. It goes everywhere."

          “Do I really have to go shopping with that horrendous bunch of hags?” Penny pouted.
          “Penelope, these are my people. I went to school with the men, dated the girls,” Chris declared and tried to look offended by Penny’s outburst but failed miserably.
          “And what’s wrong with what I’m wearing now?” Penny asked, looking down at her jeans and singlet. “I’m comfy in these clothes. These are me!"
          “Yes but it's not them. You need to become one of them now.” Chris sighed. “You need to look like you’ve come straight out of Country Road."
          Penny shuddered. “I think I’m coming down with something,” she forced a cough. “I’d better call and cancel."
          “Yeah, so not falling for that,” Chris smirked as the doorbell rang.
          “If I stay home we could have sex,” Penny pressed herself up against Chris and let her hand drift to his crotch.
          “Yeah…No. You have to go out.” Chris pulled her hand away from him and feigned disgust. “I’ll see you when you get back."
          “I mightn’t come back. I might throw myself from the top level of David Jones. Then you’d regret not having sex with me,” Penny huffed and crossed her arms.
          “You’d be right if you landed on your arse,” he smirked.
          Penny turned and pointed a finger at Chris, “You are never getting laid again!"
          Chris ripped open his shirt and raised an eyebrow at her. “Oh really?"
          “Dammit!” Penny spat as she turned and walked out the door and into the pristine red sports car that awaited her.
          “Love the cash darling, you look really poor!” Pirette practically squealed as Penny sat down and buckled up.
          “And you look ridiculous,” Penny beamed. “Looks like someone’s vomited on your skirt."
          “I told you she was hysterical darlings!” Pirette twittered to her bimbo friends.
          “Oh we’re going to have such fun today. You’ll be like a whole new person!” Lavinia gushed, clapping her finely manicured hands.

          “I don’t know what you’re hoping to achieve by coming home early. She’s not going to talk to you,” Rob announced as sternly as he could as Ross climbed into the car at the airport.
          “How do you know she’s not going to talk to me?” Ross asked, raising an eyebrow.
          “Because last time I talked to her she used the words ‘quick lime’, ‘shallow grave’ and ‘knob on a stick’. Somehow I don’t think she was talking about the latest book she’s reading."
          “How do you know? She reads some weird shit,” Ross mused.
          “So?” Rob countered.
          “So what?"
          “So what are you going to do about Kirsty? Are you going to win her back or is it time for me to shine?” Rob grinned and Ross snarled and punched him in the shoulder, more than once. “OW! Stop doing that, I’m trying to drive here,” Rob complained and rubbed his now very sore shoulder.
          “I’m sure she didn’t return my calls because her phone is broken. You know how dodgy that thing is. And she didn’t return my e-mails because her Internet connection is faulty. She might not even have received those e-mails I sent. You know what Hotmail is like. Probably thought it was spam and was sent to her junk mail and she deleted it."
          “I think she hates you and is ignoring you."
          “That’s just negative."
          “No, I really do think she hates you."
          “Fine, I’ll prove to you she doesn’t hate me. Take me to her place right now."
          “I don’t think that’s a very good idea."
          “Why?"
          “Because if she doesn’t castrate you on the spot her best friend will."
          “Don’t be ridiculous. She loves me, she’d never do that."
          “It’s your funeral. Want me to lie to mum and say it was a freak industrial accident that killed you, not your pissed off ex-girlfriend and her best friend who backed over you in a Holden Apollo?"
          “It’s going to be fine Rob. You’re overreacting. Don’t be such a drama queen."
          The pair was silent for the rest of the journey, the only noise a rather painful mix tape Rob had put on to apparently lighten the mood. When they got to the girls’ place, Rob followed Ross to the front door. Ross rang the doorbell and waited for someone to open the door. He was about to ring the doorbell again when the door opened and he saw Kirsty’s scowling face look out the door then promptly slam it shut again.
          “Who was that?” Julia asked.
          “Ross,” she said in a way that was so black Julia could practically see the thunderstorm rolling in.
          “Really?” Julia asked and opened the door to find Ross with his finger on the doorbell. She promptly slammed it shut again. “Fuck me, it is Ross,” she shrugged. Kirsty meanwhile had grabbed the large painted rock that Aunty Mabel had given them on return from her last trip to deepest darkest Darwin.
          “If he rings that again…” Kirsty breathed.
          “You open the door, I’ll throw the rock,” Julia announced, seizing the rock.
          The doorbell rang, Kirsty flung open the door and Julia lobbed the rock. Ross instinctively ducked but Rob wasn’t so lucky. He was hit in the head, knocked unconscious and lay sprawled halfway across the steps.
          “Oops,” Julia peeped as Ross looked at her totally gobsmacked.
          “I’ll, um, grab the first aid kit,” Kirsty announced as it seemed the right thing to do when someone had been clobbered with a rock, and dashed off into the house.
          “You killed my brother!” Ross said in disbelief.
          “Oh don’t be such a girl. He’s still breathing. I think. He’s just unconscious. Can’t do any damage, there’s nothing in there anyway,” Julia muttered as she felt for a pulse. “Help me get him inside will you."
          “Is he bleeding?” Kirsty asked as she opened the first aid kit and started digging around for gauze pads.
          “How do you hang a bra out?” Liam asked, walking into the room andcatching sight of a bloodied Rob on the couch. “What the fuck happened here?"
          “Your evil ex-girlfriend threw a rock at my brother’s head,” Ross yelped.
          “Actually she threw it at your head. You just ducked, sadly,” Kirsty sighed and shot him daggers.
          “I think I’ll work out how to hang the bra out on my own,” Liam winced and backed out of the room.

          “That’s definitely the perfect outfit for you!” Portia beamed as Penny tugged uncomfortably at the three-quarter length tweed pants.
          “You’ve said that about the last fifteen outfits I’ve tried on. Can’t we just pick one and be done with it?” Penny asked as Mercedes came racing over with something shiny that Penny just ‘had to try on’. It was at that precise moment that Penny’s phone rang.
          “Hello?"
          “Can I just say that it wasn’t my fault and that it was Ross and not Rob that was meant to get hit with the rock!” announced Julia’s babbling voice.
          “What?"
          “I had a small knocking Rob unconscious with a rock incident."
          “Do I even want to know how that happened?"
          “It was meant for Ross…”
          “What’s with the screeching in the background?"
          “Ross and Kirsty trying to deny their feeling for each other. Ignore them. What am I supposed to do?"
          “Is he dead?"
          “No, unconscious."
          “Is he brain damaged?"
          “Possibly. It was a big rock. On the other hand, we are talking about Rob here. Plus, he’s still unconscious."
          “Have you tried waking him up?"
          “Got any suggestions?” Julia asked.
          “Have you thrown cold water on him?"
          “Kirsty dropped frozen peas on his head?"
          “What about smelling salts?"
          “We don’t have any. But we have chili powder. Can we use that?"
          Whatever happened next was inaudible but there was a lot of muffled action followed by a very loud shout: “MY FUCKING NOSTRILS! OW MY HEAD!"
          “Hey thanks Pen, Chili worked a treat. Gottagobye."
          “Oh, who was that on the phone?” Chantal asked intrusively.
          “My…Mother. My brother’s unconscious and I have to go see him. Really hate to ruin the shopping darlings but I must go make sure he’s ok and not bleeding from the ears."
          “Of course. My brother had a cough once and we took him to the hospital because we thought he might have developed pneumonia."
          Penny dropped all the horrid clothes she’d been forced to try on, fled the store and got into a taxi heading for Chris’s place as fast as she could.

          “Julia, I really need your help with this bra,” Liam announced, entering the room and looking perplexed.
          “I may be a while,” Julia sighed as she followed Liam out to the clothesline, leaving Kirsty, Ross and Rob in the lounge room.
          “I’m not staying in here with this cheating bastard,” Kirsty spat and stormed off to her room.
          “Hey, we weren’t even dating!” Ross yelled to her retreating back and then followed her, abandoning Rob.
          “I think my peas need changing,” Rob whimpered and pouted to the empty room.

          “I think we should talk,” Ross announced as he gingerly pushed the door to Kirsty’s bedroom open.
          “Talk? I don’t want to talk. I want to nail you to the rafters and throw darts at your head."
          “Ah you don’t have rafters,” Ross chided.
          “I’ll weld you to the shower pole then,” Kirsty spat. “I just want you to die slowly and painfully."
          “I think you’re overreacting because we weren’t even dating when I did the wild thing with Katie."
          “You fucked your manager! Great ethics Ross."
          “Well she’s not my manager anymore. My new manager is an old bald guy called Bert."
          “Hope he’s good in the sack then. Will he let you do him over the hotel goods? Or is that only thin Melburnian women?"
          “We’ve not discussed that, but I’m sure he’s a very gentle lover."
          “You’re a sick, twisted little man."
          “You used to love this sick twisted little man!"
          “How times have changed."
          “Can’t we turn back the clock and forget this little incident ever happened?” Ross pleaded.
          “I came all the way to Melbourne to tell you that I love you and found you pantsless and post shag with your manager. That’s a little hard to turn the clock back on don’t you think?"
          “If you’d done it I could forgive you,” Ross announced and gave his best puppy dog eyes.
          “Really?"
          “In a manner of speaking."
          “What about if I shagged your little brother in your bed?"
          “You’d never shag Rob, would you?"
          “I never thought you’d shag your manager so there you go."
          “You know this isn’t getting us anywhere."
          “Oh hey. Patrick asked me out at work. I wasn’t going to take him up in the offer but you know I’m a single girl, it’s not good for people to be alone. Maybe I will go out with him."
          “You wouldn’t!"
          “I’ve gotta move on with my life. Isn’t it about time you did the same? And let’s face it, I haven’t had a decent shag in ages,” Kirsty mused as she picked up her phone.
          “Put that down!"
          “What are you going to do about it?"
          “I’m going to stand here looking very cross."

          Chris lay sprawled on the couch when the door burst open and Penny practically danced through.
          “Why are you here?” he asked trying to sound at least a little annoyed.
          “There was a nasty rock to the head incident and I just had to come home."
          “Who did you throw a rock at?"
          “No, not me. Julia threw a rock at Ross he ducked and it hit Rob and knocked him out."
          “And you had to come home why?"
          “I don’t like those women."
          “That’s not very mature."
          “I just couldn’t get that image of you shirtless out of my head,” Penny purred as she straddled Chris on the couch.
          “You’re not using sex to get out of this conversation,” Chris stated rather unconvincingly as Penny tried to get the buttons of his shirt undone.
          “Would a blow job get me out of it then?"
          “No, because we’d continue afterwards,” Chris informed her, having lost the struggle to keep his shirt buttoned up.
          “You know it’s not true, you’d just fall asleep,” Penny paused. “Wait. Then I would get out of the conversation because you’d be asleep,” she made a grab for his pants.
          “No!” Chris covered his zip. “Bear” he called. The dog came over and rested his head on Chris’s crotch. “Now I have groinal protection we can continue this conversation."
          “Oh that’s too weird.” Penny groaned and slid off Chris. “I’m gonna go make sure Rob isn’t dead."
          “I’ll come with you."
          “Thought you weren’t going to?"
          “Yeah, yeah,” Chris mumbled as he got up and followed Penny out to the car.

          “It's not that hard to hang out a bra you know,” Julia sighed. “Why’d you really want me out here?"
          “Well…” Liam swallowed, then ducked his head and tried to kiss her.
          “What do you think you’re doing?” Julia mused, not moving and not reciprocating.
          “Uh, well, I thought we were getting along really well again…”
          “Right and?"
          “I miss you Jools."
          “That may be young Liam but I’m dating someone else."
          “Yeah but Ryan, I mean really…”
          “Look, flattering as it is babe. I have no intentions of getting back with you right now."
          “Why the hell not?"
          “You seriously want an answer?"
          “Yes!"
          “Well for a start I’ve got tired of being dumped by you because you’ve had some neurotic fit about something. While you’ve clearly forgotten all the ins and outs of that process I’m still reeling from being heartbroken and crushed."
          “Oh…”
          “See, I don’t see the point of trying to have a relationship with someone who clearly has the mental age of, oh I don’t know, 18. I mean just because you have a kid doesn’t mean you’re mature; just look at the drunken wrapping car around the tree incident."
          “Jools I can…”
          “Save it ok,” Julia sighed and rested her hand on Liam’s arm. “Should I break up with Ryan, and there’s a distinct possibly I will because he’s a boring little turd and all his friends suck, and you can find it in yourself to reach a level of maturity that is befitting your actual age, then there’s some iota of hope that I may reconsider dating your sorry arse.” She turned and headed inside, leaving Liam standing there bewildered once again.
          “Oh that burned,” he breathed.
          Julia pulled open the backdoor and stepped inside. As the door closed she burst into giggles. “Oh he’s so my bitch!"
          As she walked out of the laundry she heard Kirsty and Ross yelling at each other.
          “Put that down…OW!” Ross yelped.
          “Don’t try to tell me you didn’t deserve that!"
          “Well then you deserve this."
          Kirsty shrieked. “Don’t put your hands there again!"
          “Well they’re almost back to normal” Julia muttered as she wandered into the lounge to check on Rob. “How you doing?"
          “My vision is blurry."
          “I think I’d better take you to see a doctor. I’m really sorry the rock hit you,” she apologised as she helped him to his feet and out to the car.
          They were fortunate enough to find the clinic relatively empty and only had to wait a few minutes before the doctor could see them. It took just moments for the doctor to declare that Rob had a mild concussion along with a pair of black eyes. He was to take a couple of Panadol and lie down for the next day or so and not exert himself. He also had to have someone stay with him to make sure he was completely ok.
          “Looks like you’ll be staying at our place for a little while,” Julia announced as they got back into the car.
          “Where will I sleep?"
          “I’ll set you up on the lounge. You’ll be fine."
          “I’d thank you but it’s your fault I have concussion and two black eyes."
          “You’re closer to Kirsty if you sleep on the lounge."
          “Still your fault."
          “I know,” Julia sighed. “I’m really sorry."

          “So what’s the diagnosis?” Kirsty asked, watching Rob flop back on the lounge.
          “He’s still an idiot” Julia giggled. “No, seriously. He’s got a mild concussion so he’s staying here for the next day or so. He can sleep on the couch."
          “Hey if he’s staying I’m staying,” Ross announced. “Where am I sleeping?"
          “With the dog,” Kirsty remarked.
          “Oh for Christ’s sake. Sleep in Kirsty’s room. Hopefully she won't kill you,” Julia sighed.
          “Can I stay too?” Liam asked.
          “Why are you still here?” Julia countered.
          “We have important things to discuss."
          “Like what?"
          “The state of the economy."
          “I’ve never wanted to talk about the state of the economy. Why do you really want to stay?"
          “I might get a glimpse of your rack,” he grinned.
          “And where are you going to sleep?"
          “He can sleep in your room” Kirsty announced with a wry smile.
          “I’d rather sleep with Ross,” Julia remarked.
          Ross screamed, “Ross wants to sleep with Kirsty!” He grabbed Kirsty and dragged her off to the bedroom.
          “Okay so we never quite made it out of the driveway,” Chris purred.
          “You threw me onto the bonnet of the car and had your way with me!” Penny said with mock disgust.
          “Yeah."
          “Twice."
          “Yeah."
          “In front of the neighbours and all."
          “What neighbours?"
          “A possum was watching. I saw it as I cried your name in ecstasy."
          “Well then he’ll be able to tell his possum wife all about it."
          “So, what do we do now since it's obvious we’re not going to see the damage done to Rob’s noggin?” Penny sighed, nuzzling further into the warmth of Chris’s meaty chest.
          “Well I do have to wash the car,” Chris sighed and felt Penny’s fingernails poke ever so slightly into his skin. “Or we could just lie here and…talk."
          “Great idea,” Penny enthused lifting her chin so she could look at him. “We never talk enough!"
          “Yeah, I don’t know why,” Chris winced and gently slid himself from beneath the covers. “I’ve just got to uh pee,” he added and scurried into the ensuite where he promptly smacked his head against the towel rail.

          “I’m so not sharing my bed with that!” Kirsty declared, prying herself away from Ross.
          “What? Why not?” Ross gasped mortified that he might suddenly have lost his sexual being.
          “I hate you,” Kirsty said with little conviction and stalked back into the hallway. “I’m bleeding emotionally."
          “You should see a doctor about that,” Liam chimed in and received daggers for his effort.
          “We should be thinking about Rob in his time of need,” Ross pouted. “He needs us to look out for him, make sure he doesn’t start bleeding from the ears."
          “And you can do that from my bed huh?” Kirsty countered.
          “Well…” Ross flustered, looking for an out, and it came as Julia appeared.
          “Rob will be fine and I can see Kirsty’s point about emotional bleeding,” she declared. “So I’ve found a solution,” Julia added, smiling and slapping Liam’s car keys into his hand. “Liam can take you boys home on his way."
          “Hold on, I don’t live…”
          “Uh uh uh,” Julia mused waving a hand at Liam. “That’s the end of it,” she stalked off into the kitchen leaving Liam looking crushed.
          “Babe, you don’t agree with that do you?” Ross pleaded with his best little boy lost expression.
          Kirsty lifted her nose in the air and walked off into the kitchen.
          “I feel burned,” Ross pouted.
          “They’re cold,” Liam agreed.
          “Ross, Ross,” Rob called from the living room. “The room is spinning."
          “Yeah, you’re fine,” Ross called back as he continued to brood.