A collection of the wittiest one liners and the most bizarre statements from the Fondue.

It’s Not Over Until the Fondue Burns
"How can we oh my god? I'm not into that."
"Go before I pass various parts of your anatomy through the shredder."
"No, you're the verbally incontinent girl they assigned to me, go away."
"Oh yeah, I'm always pulling out the play-doh and moulding it into replicas of my penis."
"Hey, I'm named after a Disciple!"
"Well what, a little plasma donating, a little drug dealing, what?"
"You bite me and I'll drop kick you over the counter."
"One of us was Hitler in a former life, and the other was, I dunno, Stalin maybe, and we’ve got some serious karmic baggage that we’re dealing with."
"Do you want me to do something nasty with a spatula to you?"
"They reckon tea can soothe all your pains…I've had five pots in the last 24 hours and I still feel like killing something."
"They say chocolate is better than sex, but personally, I like to combine both."
"If you go into hysterics, I’m not above slapping you."
"Why are you brandishing cookware?"
"I like Celine Dion as much as a cold tea enema."
"I really hope that it’s the water that made my pants wet."
"I just assumed you sprang from the loins of Satan."
"Why? By the sounds of it he already knows the road to your g-spot."
"You hurt her and I'll use your testicles as furry dice."
"Do that again and I’ll be forced to remove your testicles with a plastic picnic spoon."
"I'll insert something large and inflatable up your ass if you don't lay off."
"You know, that was the most wonderful piece of bullshit I have ever heard."
"You fucking bastards killed the car."
"I'll insert my Dictaphone up your scrawny arse, so I can tape the sounds of your insides while they scream for mercy as I do something nasty with a rat."
"How are we lucky? Huh you tell me? Because I'm not feeling particularly lucky right now, no, actually I'm feeling pretty fucking irate. Not only have you nearly got me killed, and nearly destroyed my wife's car, but, you've managed to get my parents car turned into nothing more than twisted metal, melted fucking plastic and a severely charred stick-on Garfield. I feel about as lucky as those kids in that whole Waco disaster…or those plucky fucking astronauts who thought going on the Challenger would be a once in a life time opportunity. I don't feel lucky I got out, I wished I'd been in the fucking thing, then, then I mightn't have to explain to my dear aged parents, how their prized retirement purchase is now as useable as Ozzy Osbourne’s fucking brain."
"If you stop to help this group of heavies, I swear to god I will rip out your oesophagus."
"Never investigate a bullet riddled car if you aren’t prepared to see dead people."
"If they don’t go to prison for kidnapping us, they should be put before a firing squad for giving us these outfits."
"Ever do it in a broom closet?"
"Well if it isn't the poisoned dwarf."
"Well, I was considering the idea that we all parachuted in using parachutes made of spandex and then attack the evil, psychotic sisters with silly string and jello."
"Orgy in the stairwell!"
"Hell no, I'd rather fuck a rabies ridden Rottweiler than rub uglies with you."
"Here I am, completely smitten with a married man and still sorta in love with my quasi-husband who seems to hate me. How do you get a happy ending out of that?"
"She's more hormonal than a thirteen year at an NSYNC concert."
"She's like a tsunami of anger, that one."
"Not only that, I can tell when you're angry, horny and you've broken something."
"If there was a deaf woman with earplugs in, she wouldn’t want you to sing. If those barrels were still in here, they wouldn’t want you to sing."
"I'm sorry, he's not use to communicating with people."
"I don't know, but it's entertaining to watch you freak."
"I swear that mane you have has a family of rodents living in it."
"Let’s find something to eviscerate."
"Yeah, but it wasn't like I was flat on my back, legs in the air playing the horizontal polka with you."
"Hey, you can sing if you want…Just don't blame me if the windows shatter."
"If I'm not being inappropriate I'm making you laugh and veer off into traffic."
"Oh really, that's why you're standing out here looking like someone's slapped you with a wet mackerel."
"What? You don't fancy painting something with maggots falling out of its arse and its internal organs smeared across the tar?"
"Really? You do the whole initiate, lubricate and stimulate thing?"
"He could talk the knickers off a nun."
"Great now I've got Paul cooties on my straw." … "I'm sure that's not the only place you've got Paul cooties."
"If you don’t start cooperating, I’ll get the janitor to give you a prostate exam, how’d you like that?"
"Well, y’know, running away from a kangaroo, you forget to watch out for trees and stuff…ever run full force into a tree?"
"I got kidnapped by a tribe of horny Amazonian women and they kept me as their king…"
"We're Australian. We could have had all our limbs ripped off and our spleens removed by rats and we'd go ‘it’s just a scratch.’"
"Violence that shouldn't be inflicted on anyone without the aid of a stuntman, unless it’s like George Clooney because he deserves it."
"I think if I sang my spleen might split."
"I'd give you points, but they just don't matter."
"I mean he can't help being a self obsessed, jealous, inbred, sarcastic ego maniac…it’s what makes him unique."
"No, great sex. Troubled people."
"I like that idea, you beaten with a baseball bat."
"You strange, horny little man."
"It was the wallabies that took off with it. If you see one of the little fucks wandering around in red boxer shorts, would you tell him Fenny’s looking for him?"

The Fondue Burns
"I've always wondered how you handle a loofah."
"Must have been running late…that woman is more anal than…something really anal."
"I have non-mauve paint on my head."
"All the nutritional goodness of rubber in one handy plastic pack."
"Speaking of the tools of Satan, is my wife about?"
"There’s a giant dick on my wall."
"Why can’t life be like a John Cusack movie, huh?"
"If you're insane, I must be heading toward my very own padded cell, and a selection of the word’s best tranquillisers."
"I don’t mind, I get this all the time, shall I take off my shirt for you? I could remove my pants, but that would cost you the standard twenty dollar fee. Oh fuck it, you’re a friend, I’ll knock it down to fifteen."
"Oh, she's still here. Just a bit emotionally fucked, thanks for asking."
"I've come for less."
"That woman’s head looks like a poodle."
"Paul dressed as a 70s porn star on all fours in the middle of LAX, where’s my camcorder?"
"Mental foreigners, quick, get the rubber bullets, we’re all gonna die!"
"What do you want us to do? Pull out our travel sized twister mat, grab a few stewardesses, slap on bikinis and start the first ‘mid pacific twister championship’."
"Do what I say, it’s pork…and it’s loaded."
"I'm not changing this skin covered bile carrier for you."
"I mean, if you two were any more perfect for each other I’d have to have you put to sleep for the benefit of humanity."
"It was all roses and fucking pixie dust."
"Stupid pricks don’t know anything about anything, I hope they get some terrible venereal disease and die a long tortured death being nibbled to death by gerbils."
"I'm an artist not an Olympic speed walker."
"Because they have the inability to decipher the difference between good, wholesome, normal, intelligent activities and those which don't involve their dicks."
"Japanese warriors have silly hair dos?"
"Question 12, a puerile incident brought on by lack of sleep and fucked up publicists. Answer, not sure but my wife is phenomenally pissed off and has decided to not talk about it and instead fire off a stupid game of ‘guess what fucked up thing I said?’"
"You can put her in a sack and throw her in a river for all I care."
"Gina, being American isn't a disability."
"I lost a fight with a couch."
"Leave me alone, I’m going to my room to hang myself."
"No, the mysterious Norwegian goddess Felga."
"Time flies when you're analyzing your relationship."
"They’ve got the combined IQ of a sea cucumber."
"Hey, then I can fart luscious…I'll be like a walking air freshener."
"Like I'd have an orgy with midgets or stick M&M's up my nose."
"I mean it was like an instant family, just add liquor, cover, and let simmer for a few months."
"You're gonna regret this in the morning. Trust me I've been there."
"I see someone's hit you with the horny stick."
"If I die, I’m gonna be so pissed at you."
"The phrase ‘buns of steel’ mean anything to you?"
"Oh yeah, I mean in my perverted mind I've got you off in water, called you daddy, ripped a tuxedo off your back and scored at pool."
"Seriously, have you like been feeling my arse without me knowing?"
"No, he makes Tori Spelling look like a genius."
"Sorry, the child decided to take tiny fistfuls of my chest hair."
"Are there naked women, drugs or firearms involved?"
"As my wife, it is your duty to waste my money."
"Nothing like deflowering a pretty little goat before the slaughter. You have an altar handy?"
"I’m not calling my mother long distance to ask her whether or not to peel potatoes."
"Then why are you having sexual explicit dreams about him? What do these dreams entail huh? Three pink poodles, a selection of rubber gardening implements and a banana?"
"We try to fight and end up talking about The Osbournes,"
"You nearly killed me with bad literature."
"You don't think we've progressed. If sporting our wedding rings and talking through our problems isn't progress then give me a Brazilian and call me Conchita,"
"So sorry, there's not an awful lot of time between ‘Lilly’ and ‘Harder’." … "I didn't realise three and a half minutes on your back took up so much of your time."
"You could have talked me into eating a golf cart that night."
"Nothing wrong with noting a sexy outfit, better than copulating on appliances."
"No, I don't wish to go into detail about it though, all I'm saying is it involved green jelly and Ozzy Osbourne."
"Be lucky you don't have the images permanently running through your head, like b-grade porn."
"We think first with our dicks, then with our stomachs."
"If it wasn't for the fact that Fen is my best friend, I'd insert this pancake mix up your arse complete with spoon."
"You're lucky I don't piss in your face."
"Has anyone ever consulted you about the possibility of being committed?"
"Assuming normal is my Ozzy Osbourne dreams and you talking about testicles."
"I think it may be time to change the channel, the Mexican soap operas are starting to get intriguing."
"Oh what, you tripped and your mouths fell together?"

A New Fork in the Fondue
"No, just wanted to know who to stalk and kill on my next day off."
"I think a sea sponge might have crawled into my brain."
"Unfortunately I happen to be a man and that has a habit of interfering with any sane actions."
"You never died and then rose again," ... "I've had hangovers that could indicate otherwise."
"You do realise I have to leave the country now, because there's no way I'm staying here while plastic tits is after me."
"Paul discovered if you hold down your call button the stewards get very angry with you, especially if you’re wearing your oxygen mask like a hat and clutching your inflatable life raft and the plane hasn’t even taken off."
"I tried to talk about politics, but all she did was giggle when I mentioned ‘Bush’."
"Furious, but how much I've missed you has overridden any desire to hit you with kitchen implements."
"I was thinking an apple corer up the clacker."
"You said Angelina and Billy Bob were made for each other and look at them, she's got some refugee kid and he's bonking half of lower America."
"If it’s any consolation, Genie feels terrible for dumping you on Greg. I personally feel it was necessary and have no sympathy."
"I'm stalking you, as we speak I'm outside in a dark trench coat, with my Polaroid camera poised and ready."
"And the winner for the forty-third annual Most Hypocritical Statement of the Year goes to, my god, what a shocker, Fenny Grey!"
"You two prats could pelt them to death with my jelly babies."
"I agree with the considerably bitter, angst ridden, clandestinely sex deprived, mad woman."
"If you did strange things with the marmalade, I really don't want to know."
"Ever done it in a archway?"
"How was I supposed to know they get offended when you have a fake orgasm on the 1 o'clock cannon?"
"Perhaps they've killed and eaten each other."
"Oh, a spectacular floor show. Starts with a jar of almonds and a silk scarf, I think you can see where I’m going."
"Lost it somewhere between fondling each other in the street and having him rip off her clothes with his teeth I’m guessing."
"…and if you tell me ‘I told you so’ I’ll rip out what’s left of your lungs."
"It always happens on TV like that, something freaky happens right under the victims’ noses. No one sees a thing and they all end up dead."
"I'm not being a girl, Proops, I just happen to like all my limbs."
"I nearly got killed last time we had an adventure."
"She's American, most of them don't know there's a whole world past Las Vegas."
"I'm sorry, I have a fear of possible axe wielding, pissed off ectoplasm."
"Yeah, and the Pacific Ocean could suddenly open up and reveal that Elvis has been living in a submarine creating an army of jellyfish to take over the world for all these years."
"I lost it somewhere between the bank vault and Montana."
"Sure, what's the worst that can happen…Oh hey, I know. We could get killed."
"Your testosterone level is invading my personal area."
"Fuck the norm, let’s play Twister."
"At this point I can remember how to order a ham sandwich and comment on how well the monkeys are driving the car."
"I'd love to, but I'll be in the fiery pits of hell while you'll be playing quoits up in heaven with God and Elvis."
"I'll probably get sodomized by the horned master, while Hitler and Pol Pot play elastics with the intestines of some poor unfortunate soul."
"What am I? Some sort of train timetable hub?"
"They should have warnings. 'This movie contains vast amounts of water and viewing may cause the excessive need to urinate'."
"So, you ever urinated in public?"
"No? Well, in a plane it’s the mile high club right? So maybe…ahh…the nautical nookie club or what about the boating bonkers? Floating fuckers?"
"I bet you like having your neck nibbled."
"No, just battered, drowned, starved, dehydrated and seasick."
"I’m looking in to some property in Utah, all we have to do is convert to the Mormon faith and we’ve got it made."
"Well, when my life flashed before my eyes, all the good bits had you naked in them."
"You couldn’t kick the shit out of a sick goat wearing combat fatigues."
"Hey, we’ve all got to be good at something. I give you chocolate, you give me blowjobs."
"Darling, there are certain things I want to do to you that simply cannot be accomplished with the lack of leverage and friction found in a hot tub."
"Come to mention it, it is kinda like lying in the world's largest wet spot."
"This was suppose to be erotic, colour scheme really shouldn't be an issue."
"If this was the Oscars I'd be thanking the Academy."
"Women are always going on about men doing things that aren’t romantic right? And when you ask them what they want they say 'whisk me away to Paris.' So you do, and what do you get? It’s not that romantic really, I'm a bit disappointed, let's go home."
"Should I be worried that you might start spraying?"
"I just want to say, Gina, if he went any harder he would have broken. Paul, if she'd done that it would have been illegal. Brad, you’re not supposed to stick your face there and Fen, I don't know about God but the entire population of penguins on the furthest, southernmost part of Antarctica would have fucking heard you."
"Making yourself look like you lost a fight with a magic marker is liberating?"
"How did I end up with Rainbow Brite and the Monkey Twins in Paris?"
"Or trunk, or leaves or even a squirrel. It’s not a tree, it’s two purple lines and something that resembles a duck."

Fondue: the Saga Continues
"You like herbal tea woman a lot?"
"Last time I heard from you, you were contemplating becoming a woman of the cloth."
"You go around saying things like that and I'll insert your thickshake somewhere unpleasant."
"Hi, I'm from the fucked up Yank exchange programme."
"And someone's pushed the sanity boat right out of the harbour."
"The masturbating spider monkey and gangly great ape."
"I'm sure the chain of evolution went, monkeys, Neanderthal, you guys and modern man."
"We'll be wearing fucking matching cardigans and sharing hemorrhoid cream before you know it."
"In that shallow, scum-sucking way that a fascist jellyfish is sweet, right?"
"Speaking of ruining lives, get your ass out of my face McDermott."
"You're missing out on a fabulous conversation about having diamantes put on your new, oyster pink manicured nails."
"Cool, I was always going to do a life drawing class…I was going through a lonely time and I couldn't afford porn."
"You really want to use my testicles as furry dice right now don't you?"
"Did you pick that, because if you did you should be taken out the back and shot."
"Mate. He's what, nearly two metres tall, and wears a fucking turban, how hard can he be to find. Do you know how he escaped into Pakistan? In a fucking Toyota Corolla…That's like shoving a kitten into a matchbox car."
"Tiny, weenie little Osama."
"I've had bodily functions more fun than him."
"I was forced to retaliate with a vicious attack with a coffee mug."
"I’ll have you know those lunatics are my best friends."
"Why can’t people lead normal lives like they do in the TV?"
"You can beat her with a stapler for all I care, but you've gotta get up."
"Do you want me to reiterate…Your lover is a fuckwit."
"Brad, she's a distressed woman. You don't pop up out of the blue and cram your tongue down her throat."
"First you spill the chocolate, then you drop the egg shells in the batter, consider molesting my sifter and come up with immoral uses for the measuring spoons…You should host a cooking show."
"Hey, I could send you back out there right now to deal with the shrew society and Andy if you don’t behave. Or, on the other hand, I could clear off that table and we can test how soundproofed these walls are."
"We're retaliating against the fascist dinner regime that says we must have five servings of vegetables, before we can indulge in dessert."
"I'm a bad boy, spank me."
"Why do all our conversations lead to goat ejaculation?"
"I think the three Pokemon wars and the Teletubbie attack squad wore him out."
"Please god don't let it have to do with licking fondue from each others naked bodies."
"Tell it to Judge Judy."
"It's like watching a constipated dog…Tension, pain, vain hope, followed by nothing but bowels clogged with past wastes that you just want rid of."
"Sorry, I've come over all Viking."
"Hey, you'll never guess what I just fucking remembered. How you Sherwood, went through hell and high water to get to Edinburgh to confess undying love to Fen here…Remember that, it was a sweet moment. Sure, I was drunk and didn't see it but Genie's rendition, oh it touched me, touched me like a good episode of Oprah."
"Any other bodily functions you'd like to share?"
"It’s not yoga, it’s a dislocated hip."
"I just spent an hour with my face in your crotch and your hands all over me. I think you know what’s on my mind."
"Oh here we go, what's your excuse this time? If I don't talk to Freya she'll remove my prostate with a fondue fork?"
"Like cancer is darling or stapling someone's head to a moving vehicle is darling."
"I’ll come down there and personally kick the little troll’s ass."
"Another half a second and you would have been spent."
"I'll be your mattress."
"I've told you I'm not into wife swapping parties."
"I should go and throw the flowers at him, hope the thorns prick out his eyeballs."
"The irony was it was called Rover and that's what I was driving."
"Please tell me you are not falling for her all over again as I might have to beat you with a selection of household cleaning implements."
"I think the weight of your problems is like, fucking making you unhappy and sucking the fucking happiness from the rest of the room into your personal space there and making everybody else fucking miserable."
"Where can I get a couple fishhooks and some petroleum jelly?"
"I think something crawled into your mouth and died last night."
"So what are you guys doing here? Paul hasn't started doing shopping centre appearances has he?"
"Don't let her hurt me, she beats me you know…With a big stick."
"Well you're not exactly the poster child for monogamy."
"You make it sound like I’m some sort of defective piece of merchandise, thanks a lot."
"I like having those two Yanks around they make us look normal."
"Sure, it could be classed as a lie if I'd said we'd gift wrapped 39 camels for charity but many cultures give chickens as presents."
"You destroyed a perfectly good chocolate pudding, if you don't talk I'll be forced to throttle you with the tablecloth."
"I think it involved tequila and something blue and bubbly, which is currently burning holes in my intestinal track."
"There’s nothing keeping me from shoving kelp up your arse."
"Yeah, like I love being beaten over the head by a pair of chimps with pointed sticks."
"But I don’t run off to the beach where you could’ve been drowned or eaten by sea cucumbers or attacked with a harpoon gun..."
"Right now I'm so in love with you, you could put a dog collar on me and take me walkies and I wouldn't care."
"Men will say anything for a blowjob, it’s common knowledge."
"I think what's happened is my Paul was kidnapped by aliens and now I've got a replacement from the planet Drelk. While my Paul has become a sperm bank for an entire alien race."
"Firstly, he never left me, secondly he loves me, he tells me the moment I wake up, everytime I leave the room and the second before I fall asleep and thirdly, you whiny, naïve, possessive sack of rotting tofu. If you don't leave my office in the next second I'm going to staple you to the nearest partition and stuff greasy hamburgers down your scrawny, vegetarian throat, while Kimberly the work experience girl tattoos ‘WENCH’ into your pert left buttock - GOT THAT."
"A few shots of tequila with you and I'll be snogging the waitress and doing dick tricks."
"So what possessed this sudden influx of marriage, drunken stupidity? Wanton lust? The chance to be the only non-inbred couples in Australia?"

The Fondue Curdles
"I'd never run off with a large Greek woman that I met in a chatroom, not in that shade of green anyway."
"It's more a desperate need to upset the elderly."
"Think of me while you're scrubbing your naked breasts."
"How many times do I have to be kidnapped before I qualify to have my photo put in the Guinness book of records?"
"They plucked me off the street right after you left. Sat on by some freaky genetic crossbreed between an ox and one of those ugly people you see on television after a tornado blows their trailer home to shit, until they threw you back here, then he slithered up front with the rest of the ogres."
"A dreadlock short of a hippie?"
"I'm not comfortable with any beast being referred to as the Rum Tum Tugger."
"We're married, I now take all your insults as foreplay."
"You’re a literal life saver, may your preferred manner of deity bless you with fantastic karma, have a fantastic life, I love you."
"Was that a threat? Why Amy, I think you've passed kidnapping and violence 101."
"Oh and licking my chest while Fen was being near raped last time was appropriate?"
"Hi, we're hijacking your car."
"Yeah, just great. Kinda nervous that I’m running around Amsterdam with a gun I stole off a guy who tried to smear my brains across bad wallpaper while four people I know are being held captive by some sick fucker, yeah, I’m fine."
"You can only be kidnapped so many times before you start picking things up."
"I’m sorry, but I don’t think that this European techno music is very conducive to the situation at hand."
"Listen lady, if I don’t get a pack of Marlboros in the next five minutes, I won’t be held accountable for my actions."
"I'd like to think I could at least have my grey matter form a piece of art, Warholesque maybe."
"I'm thinking large plastic barrel, acid, empty bank vault."
"Is that some kind of sick fucking joke, because if it is it’s not funny and the punch line could end up with us being disembowelled."
"If I have to wear this exclusive number from the 'henchmen' range the least they can do is stop me from pissing my pants."
"Would you like me to remove your spleen?"
"I kinda like my spleen, but you can have my bladder."
"Seven, eleven, seven eleven, Seventh Heaven…Do you think there's a seven eleven up in heaven Beven?"
"You wear glasses too you insolent little fuck!"
"Oh great, I fail at snap and you want me to gamble."
"The Titanic didn't have the prospect of being kneecapped to keep it afloat." … "Did the Titanic have knees?"
"You know those girls who showered together after gym class? I was the one locked in a toilet cubicle trying to get changed under my towel."
"Are you going to start holding up bricks to prove your point?"
"Well some of us have actual talents without resorting to the whole following orders from psychotic Scots to get our jollies."
"You know, when you threaten a man’s genitals while wearing a corset, it’s only gonna be taken as a come on."
"And you thought there weren’t any perks to being a heartless bitch."
"Guilt and pot should never be mixed. Let that be a lesson to you."
"Everyone knows aggression is what you impotent fucks use to make up for your sexual inadequacy so get off me before someone gets the wrong idea you shitheads."
"What have you got against conscious people?"
"I'd like to think I'd get bumped off in the fresh air and not breathing in bleach."
"Oh he's just a hunk of manhood."
"Why? You're not planning on greasing me up for some weird sexual fetish are you?"
"Brad would be happy if I was butt naked with 'property of Brad Sherwood' written in cream cheese on my stomach."
"I hope that your lungs fill up with so much tar from those fucking cigarettes that you end up spouting like a Texas oil well."
"I've heard rumours about him using a man as a dartboard."
"Is that a skirt you're almost wearing?"
"Buddhist monks don’t believe in chocolate."
"You may be the first person to call that woman sweet in her whole life."
"You can't be any worse than me. My wife has deemed me a terminal manchild. Personally I think my addiction to cartoons is normal and you'd think she'd never seen anyone playing with Star Wars action figures before." … "Were you making Chewy and Han Solo do it?"
"You're as see through as clear Coke." … "What a metaphor and you're as wrong as Cherry Cola."
"Hi, Daniel can't come to the phone at the moment, so if you want to kidnap and torture us please press (1) If you're looking for a paternity suit press (2) If you want to leave a message with me, Greg, press (3) and if you're selling something - FUCK OFF."
"No, about the most exciting thing that happened here was when we spent an hour pointing out rude place names on the map."
"I did it with another woman once. Oh no, hold on. That was Greg."
"Please, even you know that's the universal male sign for 'let's do it'."
"Oh to move to Mongolia and raise goats."
"Usually I do a funny little action but I fear for the health of my bowel if I do."
"Do you want a pancake mixture enema?"
"If only you'd come along before they pulverised my vital organs."
"Oh, you’re just jealous because you never got the erotic popcorn portrait experience."
"Did you know Billy Bob Thornton has a phobia of antiques?"
"We left a tiny genetic code on Don's sheets."
"Is it Kama Sutra position number 53, the dancing bilby?"
"I don’t know if I should blame your psychotherapy or your penchant for late night movies for that load of bullshit."
"Cool, the red dots indicate corpses."
"I've had than man's hands in places that only my gynaecologist has been."
"I've jumped from a moving vehicle. Well, you can jump again if you're going to have that attitude. Your father…mother and I have done everything for you young lady and what do we get in return? Nothing but cheek and insults; when are you going to cut your hair and get a job hey? You ran off with that Sherwood boy without a word to either your mother or me. You should have seen her; devastated she was and I told her, I told her you were an ungrateful child. So, if you want to jump from this car you go ahead but don't expect us to visit you in intensive care."
"You did things with your hotdog that made me blush."
"It’s the little things like personal happiness and social skills we’re not so lucky with."
"I think we should all hop the first plane to Switzerland and check ourselves into a nice psychiatric facility. We could do basket weaving and bead stringing all day and get all the antidepressants, antipsychotics and chocolate the world has to offer. It’d be nice."
"Troy found a map!"
"Stuck in a truck with those two, it’s like the Beverley Hillbillies on speed."
"This Californian girl is not having sex in a bit of foliage."
"You're like a present. The more you unwrap the better it gets, or a Tootsie Pop if you suck long enough…"
"Out of all the zoo animals I had no desire to be stuck between the monkeys and the mongoose."
"Collectively we're an entropic system, man. Wherever we go chaos ensues."
"I had a unanimous vote with myself and we decided that your breasts are more comfortable than tiles."
"That's not a bad idea. Perhaps if we repent our sins the almighty lord might prevent us from having to endure the orgasmic and slightly scary sexual practices of friends and ex-lovers."
"So, if you want to jump from this car you go ahead but don't expect us to visit you in intensive care."
"Any comments I made had nothing to do with your hotdog."
"Conjugal visits are kind of hard when we’re both in separate prisons."
"I think I could cope better with cross dressing aliens."
"I don’t think you’re in the running for a spot on the Mensa board of directors either."
"Paul, if you touch Troy with your wet hands and get this van smelling like dead wet mongoose, I’ll have to do something unpleasant with that tire iron in the back."
"The weather here changes quicker than a supermodel on speed."
"I've sprung a leak."
"Lie profusely, drink too much and change my underwear?"
"How did that make you feel? Guilty, but not toward my wife but to Gina, so we talked it over and decided that should our relationships crash and burn we will got to Mongolia and raise goats…Hey, where are you going? Don't leave…"
"Brad and Fenella Sherwood in - Amsterdam: The Story of the Red Corset," Brad said in his best announcers voice. "Staring the roguishly handsome Brad Sherwood as the gambler." … "Paul 'buns of steal' McDermott as the dealer," Fenny added. … "Gina Coleman-McDermott as the feisty blonde." … "Daniel Brannigan as the tanned piece of Aussie eye candy." … "Hey?" … "Just going with you," Fenny shrugged. … "Gregory Proops and the cynical crybaby." … "And introducing Ritza Crispin and the ball tearing, Mafia bitch." … "With, the sexy Fenella Sherwood in the red corset."
"I'm even excited about us finally getting a place together and doing coupley stuff. Like baking cakes and washing the cat."
"Finally, they emerge from the battle of the pork swords."
"I never realised urination was that enjoyable."
"You'd leave me for a guy with a Matchbox car?"
"Later my pot smoking, pancake making, freaky love making queen."
Fenny felt every hope she'd ever had, and there were few, open a window and commit suicide.
"Do you think the extension cord on the toaster is long enough for me to drop it in the bath?"

Much Ado About Fondue
"Paul?" … "Gina's husband. The small angry one you think needs sedating."
"Now Greg, what did we say about sarcasm?"
"And we’re back for another round of everybody’s favorite game, ‘Guess What Fucked Up Thing I Said This Time’. But first, a break from our sponsor - anything that’ll get rid of this pounding in my head…"
"I'll use his penis as a hood ornament if he's done what I think he has."
"I don't know if I'm comfortable with all this conversation about my ass."
"America is one big walking, talking, bomb-dropping joke, and it can’t even do any of those things right."
"The image of your preened, suit clad self, hurtling toward some moron with the IQ of your dickhead of a President would be worth the pain of actually having to endure your obsessive fans."
"Ever made love to a gun toting, Mafia bitch who has both kidnapped and tried to kill you? Man it’s awesome."
"Hi welcome to Adelaide, city of churches and weird sex crimes."
"If I end up in a shallow grave off some road in Arizona I blame you."
"I think the Nagasaki mural in her room might be a bit too much."
"A pouf, can we have a pouf? I've always wanted a pouf?"
"Oh and if you ever make derogatory comments about my beloved Australia again I will have you strung up from a tree and tickled by billbies before you can utter 'dude.'"
"Well I'm not thinking of staple gunning the child to a billboard to be pecked to death by birds, so yeah."
"I think my penis is actually getting dusty…"
"I down right refuse to do any gardening until I'm some geriatric, in a cardigan and no control over my bowels. Well, won't matter if I'm out in the garden then will it?"
"While Angie in the kitchen cooks up a mouth watering dish of monkey penises in a light cheese sauce, garnished with rosemary and a side order of orphans’ eyeballs."
Fenny sighed and tried to remind herself that going two aisles down to where the hammers and pneumatic nail guns were located would probably not be smiled upon by Brad when Lilly was brought home full of holes.
"Yes, that’s right. Since the last time I saw you I managed to pop out a four-year-old."
"I’m sorry sir, but he’s got a day pass from the home and he misses his chainsaw. He’s due for another round of medication, and we’ll be out of your hair."
"How come whenever we meet strangers you tell them I’ve come from a mental institution?"
"Oh, it was Duck Feathers. I thought that was some sort of genetic abnormality there for a minute, and a weird one to name an enamel paint after."
"Man hear bang, woman stay in bed."
"Man ignore bang. Man and woman stay in bed."
"The colour based honesty and trust exercises? Things were peachy until I was honest and asked her to wear a showgirl outfit. Now they're kinda red and a bit black and blue."
Greg noticed a large rubber plant in the corner and wondered how much it would hurt to strike Stuart the Hippie with its terracotta pot.
"I’d explain to you the physics of television picture projection and the neural processes involved in the act of processing sound waves, but I’m not in the mood. Besides, you’re fighting worms, they don’t have ears."
"She’s back in LA, taking care of a sick aunt. Forgot about our weekend. The dreams of showgirl outfits are well and truly dead now. Not only that, she left me alone at couples counselling with Stuart, who thinks I need to go on a fast to purify my energy centers."
"I have no qualms about beating you with that ashtray."
"He's flushed his brain down the toilet, along with his dignity and self-respect."
"Oh please, no one wants to see tiny Dumbo come out to play."
"No sweetie, as much as I like it, I don't think we should have you taken away by the child protection authorities."
"Yes, but a half a bottle of tequila and five margaritas is enough to loosen up half of Mexico."
"Do you want several litres of Moroccan terracotta paint inserted into your colon?"
"You should be ashamed and why on earth do you look like you've gone ten rounds with a wallaby?"

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