ALL ABOUT TEA

Well, once upon a time, there was me, George, and I was put upon this earth, and slowly, but unsurely, brought up to gorge on the occasional cup of tea, not thinking about its origins, until I was above the age of consent. Now, at this ripe old age, I do believe its a sort of plant grown in mostly very hot countries, far away from England. I do believe also that these plant leaves do appear some time later on the supermarket shelf in town, or maybe even down in my local village, so that I may take them home a drink a superb cuppa. Absolutely Splendid...

I overheard on the grapevine that there was more to Tea than the regular Tea that I enjoyed from the local store. Surely there cant be anything else? I had been brought up on supermarket tea, or top brand tea, but now there were all these different types, none of which smelt or tasted like tea. What the hell was going on? Er... Curry Tea, anyone?

A short section on what Tea can do for you! I already know what it does for me, and the benefits to ones life and health can be astounding. Tea can even make your limbs grow back, or bring people back from the dead. Trust me, i'm not a doctor.

Now. Theres a thousand ways to make or break a nice cup of Tea, but how the hell does George do it? Especially at 7am, yawning and unshaven, how does our hero get the Tea together, and how, after all these years, does he completely cock it up?

People have been arguing, even fighting, about tea throughout the ages, but it is only now, what with proper riot police, can we actually get down and get serious about what tea people like, and what it means to them. Here's a glossary of questions that need to be answered before getting kicked in the castanets...

Where does Tea come from. No, not just Tescos. It acually gets grown and processed before it reaches the Tescos shelf! Unbelievably, this might even happen somewhere on the other side of the world to where you live. When I found this out, I fell off my chair in shock!

Ahhh, London Town, Dickensian teahouses, Dickensian characters everywhere, and Queen Victoria still on the throne. Life here hasnt changed a bit since the eighteenth century, as far as I'm concerned anyway, and the secret to it all is in a cup of tea. But where to find the perfect cuppa?

If Tea be the food of love, drink on. Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting, The appetite may sicken, and so die. That tea strainer again, it had a dying fall.

Collected from the inserts of a million christmas crackers, george has built up a bible of tea philosophy and life changing instruction, based around the ancient art of tea gulping. He had kindly agreed to share these with the world.

There's only one real way to experience a nice hot cup of tea, and i'm afraid thats beyond the realms of this Website. But the closest I can get to this sensation is to bring you my very own oscar winning debut, with my best performing teapot in a supporting role. Wake up and smell the cuppa...