Prairie Home Invasion The following selections are the lyrics Jello wrote for the album "Prairie Home Invasion" Virus 137 Alternative Tentacles 1994 Buy my Snake Oil/Love Me I'm a Liberal/Burgers of Wrath/Nostalgia for an Age that Never Existed/Mascot Mania Buy my Snake Oil I'm getting tired of being legendary and broke And I'm too damn wierd to hold no straight job My checkbooks feeling unfulfilled Being an old underground die-hard Won't pay the kid's dental bills My Dad sez I got to learn to compromise So I figure now's about that time Now that I've run out of things to say That alone will make my music Pay Buy my snake oil I used to be so angry I aint getting any younger Now I'm eager to please C'mon and buy my snake oil Till my well runs stinking dry I'll be your Rondo Hatton I'll be your Dwight Frye Get mighty jealous watching my old roomates getting signed The world owes me a living I want my taste of the pie Woh-oh-oh Buy my snake oil Meet my new band : Tits Ass and Money The most meaningless deliberateley watered down music I have ever made Sing about my self instead of what's going on Company tells me how my records should sound Do what my manager tells me to Every inch a rockin dude Random shuffling same old cards Bring on the night, she done me wrong I love my weenie and I love my car Man it's such hell being a rock -n- roll star I'll tour 'till you wish I'd go home Moan about my life on the road 200 overdubs to sound sincere From now on every album sleeve's Just a great big picture of me Buy my snake oil Critics cheer how I've matured Got top management behind me, man Phone rings like never before: "I grew up on your stuff, man it means so much to me. I can hear it jinglin' now In commercials selling beer..." I got wiggle girl videos In heavy rotation If I dye my skin white enough I'll buy me the elephant man Woh-oh-oh Buy my snake oil And remember you got what you pay for And if that doesn't work I've got another idea Now that I've signed on the dotted line I'll call my music alternative Same word those lovely people used To hype the Knack in 1980 Join the College dollar emo-jangle Spoiled white music for spoiled white people Pat those slackers on the head To stroke and profit off of thier fears: "Yeah man, It's Okay Feel sorry for yourself all day Life sucks cause it aint easy Hapiness should be handed to me..." Buy my snake oil Cleansed of vision and sense I'll bet your bottom dollar You'll let me get away with this I'll be your preganant junkie Help you sell cigarettes Or a lonely tortured muscle hunk That no one understands Punk without rebellion We call it grunge for you I'll dress just like Don Henley And sing just like him too Boohoo-hoo-hoo-hooo Boohoo-hoo-hoo-hooo Boohoo-hoo-hoo-hooo Boohoo-hoo-hoo-hooo (repeat till Burger King espresso arrives) Down by the stream where my baby left me I stand in my flannel shirt looking confused A voice in the bushes say, "You got that look, I'm from Geffen records How'd you like a million bucks." O woh ho Poor pitiful me Born white in the worlds richest country I can't have my way life is so depressing Nothing's as important as me and my girl And if that still doesn't work I got another idea Give in Ride the punk nostalgia wave For all it's worth Recycle the name of my old band For a big reunion tour Sing all those hits from the "good ol' days" 'Bout how bad the good ol' days were And the orthodox Fundamentalist faction of the crowd Will say "Hooray!" How politically correct He's quit trying diffeent ideas at last Obeying the same kind of stodgy rules Punk used to rebel against Buy my snake oil This is all I've got to say Unless this is your radio Looks like you already have Yeah, keep buying my snake oil 'Til my well runs stinking dry I'll be your institution Until the day I die Who cares if inspirations gone It's safe in this here stall I'll give the fans just what they want And nothing else at all Woh-oh-oh Buy my snake oil Buy, Buy, Buy B-B-Buy-Buy My snake oil And remember I did it all for the scene Love Me I'm a Liberal I cried when they shot John Lennon Tears ran down my spine And I cried when I saw "JFK" As if I'd lost a father of mine But Malcom-X and Ice-T had it coming They got what they asked for this time Chorus: So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal I go to pro-choice rallies Recycle my cans and jars I'll honk if you love the Dead Hope those funny Grunge bands become stars But don't talk about revolution That's going a little bit to far Chorus: So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal I cheered when Clinton was chosen My faith in the system reborn I'll do anything to save our schools If my taxes aint too much more And I love Blacks and Gays and Latinos As long as they don't move next door Chorus: So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal Rush Limbaugh and the L.A.P.D. Should all hang thier heads in shame I can't understand where they're at Arsenio should set them straight But if neighborhood watch doesn't know you I hope the cops take your name Chorus: So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal Yeah, I read the New Republican Rolling Stone and Mother Jones too If I vote it's a democrat With a sensible economy view But when it comes to terrorist Arabs There is no one more red, white, and blue Chorus: So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal Once I was young and had an attitude Stickers covered the car I drove in Even went on some direct actions When there weren't rent-a-cops to be seen Ah, but now I've grown older and wiser And that's why I'm turning you in Chorus: So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal Burgers of Wrath Crossin the land On vacation Saw lots of families So much like ours All they got left Piled in thier cars Can't get those desperate faces Off our minds But now we're stuck On that same road Company shipped our jobs To Mexico Soup is good food You made a good meal But don't blame us Blame the Japanese Seasons of rust Age of decline Make cars that fall apart People get wise More sour grapes that never Turn into wine Just Burgers of wrath Reached the Northwest There's nothing left Forest strip-mined away The fish are dead Executives Twist things around Got people they wiped out All blaming owls The ranger says she hates to As she kicks us out Our 30 days are up At this campground Tourist yell, "Get a job!" There's none around Just burgers of wrath Par for the course We're on the streets Whole family beggin change In fog city New job don't mean Roof over our heads Can't save enough For first and last months rent Try not to snap Don't hit the kids It's bad enough Growing up like this A storage space Guard shines a light We huddle in our locker Quiet as mice Just like mice We've even got Turberculosis on the rise Thousand more banks fail Yet, the crisis is denied President says, "Sacrifice..." There's no new deal this time Just burgers of wrath More burgers of wrath Nostalgia for an Age that Never Existed Fake 50's clothes Fake 50's food Classic gas-guzzling dream cars In more ads on the tube Fake home-made cookies Like Mommy used to make Nostalgia for an age That never existed Do you remember Art-deco knick-knacks and flings The stars on the silver screen Made you forget Hooverville View the world Through Time Life and Nick-at-Nite Nostalgia for an age That never existed All the stars had a pretty face Children and negroes knew thier place Blocks of happy families With Moms and Dads all in love Or are these wholesome memories Really from reruns on TV Fake sixties Mask our leaders sleaze Is it really a new beginning With Confederate Kennedys? Fake Camelot Before everything went wrong Nostalgia for an age That never existed Do you remember The Summer of Love Vietnam, mini-skirts and drugs Rebellion was so much fun Tell your own kids to say no to that Nostalgia for an age That never existed Turn that MTV racket off So your folks can listen to "classic" rock Mellow out to the same old songs Again and again and again Do you wonder or even care How you wound up such a square If you can't stand "The Big Chill" Get out of the freezer Can't stand The Big Chill Get out of the freezer Everything old is new again It all comes back, just wait your turn But somehow the magics always missing Giving up on future dreams To dwell on rosy memories Will make sure your best days are in the past Nostalgia for an age that never existed Nostalgia for an age that never existed Do you remember Being the first punk in your town Outlaw #1 For the t-shirt you had on Now you stay at home Mad at the whole scene For refusing to freeze In 1983 Why can't all the bands reform Stick to playing thier old songs It aint punk If it aint just like the old days That was then, this is now Suckling up to the sacred cow Can leave you stuck in the mud With it's remains Nostalgia for an age that never existed Nostalgia for an age that never existed Mascot Mania When I was young Saw football games At the great big stadium Could tell the fans From out of town By the clown suits they had on 20,000 red cowboy hats Means cornhuskers to you Mickey Mouse beans With tiger ears Shows you cheer ol' Mizzou Let's not forget the Razorbacks From the U. of Arkansas With plastic pig snouts On thier heads Soooooeeeeeeing, "How 'bout them Hawgs?" That's mascot mania I work all week At a job I hate Where everything goes wrong Weekends what I live for To your church I belong I cross the street in San Francisco When a chump comes out of a bar Yelling "Forty-fuckin-Niners, man" With his gold and red jacket on In Cleveland, throwing dog biscuits Shows how much you love them Browns While Bronco fans just hang thier heads When the Superbowl comes around Raider jacket dollars Got the White Sox wearin Black Statues of Joe Paterno Sold in gift shops at Penn State That's mascot mania Don't make fun of religious rituals In any place Lord help you if you laugh While they do this with a straight face Outside of the United States It gets even more bizarre In Tokyo they got a baseball team They call the Carp The Salmonbellies are the pride Of New Westminster B.C. C'mon Greg Werkman, what's a Hoosier? And why do they throw chairs? When Sudbury Ontario's Hockey team scores a goal They drag a stuffed wolf Across the ice A fan shot at it once, ya know That's mascot mania Blue Streak Horned Frogs Long Horns Trojans Someone better tell Tipper Gore About the names of these here teams Tar Heals Gamecocks Blue Devils Crimson Tide Real indians Sick of Redskins And Tomohawk chops It seems to me That to stay mean These names should change with time The New York Muggers Detroit Murders And Chicago Mob Boston Bigots Texas Swindlers And the L.A. Cops Miami Drugs New Jersey Dumps Take on the Denver Smog Seattle Fads New Orleans Hoods Milwaukee Cannibals San Diego Jarheads And the Arizona Drought That's mascot mania Go, Carp, go! Salmonbellies rule! Hit 'em harder Cops! But, a hockey team called The Mighty Ducks? Head explode when Dallas Oswalds Meet Washington Bribes Home team band plays Cop Killer When L.A. comes to town Pittsburg Polluters Houston Drive-Bys Don't stir near the fear When the Florida Abortion Bombers Meet the SanFrancisco Queers That's mascot mania Anywhere you go The games the same old thing Bet your money on the Bribes They always win