17th May 2001

What, indeed?

A friend of mine has taken to bright colours and sunshine; reading her page the other day slammed the message home to me... people change. This, from someone who used to complain bitterly about sunlight and dress exclusively in black, and shield her eyes from the rays of the summer sun?

A computer game (Planescape Torment) I played recently was practically written around the phrase "what can change the nature of a man?" It was a clever program with an intriguing plot... but more importantly, it set me to thinking.

I fed some swans the other day in a park, out of my bare hands. I realised that I had unwittingly come full circle back to a moment from a past-life (or at least that's how it feels now)... only I wasn't the same person anymore. I was the person on the other side of the hand...

What can change the nature of a man?

Several answers come to mind. A friend of mine suggests, tongue firmly in cheek, "a woman"? (substitute man if you're female)... well no. women can't change the natures of men... as much as they'd like to believe it. Women can try their hardest to change the nature of their guy... but so often we hear the sob stories of women who have tried, and failed. Some spend their lives trying to change their partner's natures... spend? or waste?

Love? closely related to the "woman" answer above... and equally invalid. Love doesn't change the nature of people... love, in my ideal little world anyhow, is dependent upon the innate natures of people. Changing their natures destroys that love... and unless they're fortunate enough to change in tandem to allow a "new" love to replace the old... but that is another story altogether. Love doesn't change the nature of people... People however, change the nature of love.

Regret. One of the other many answers suggested by "planescape torment"... regret can change the nature of a man? I don't know... can it? Sometimes, in life you form your truths based on life experiences, you make staunch resolutions about "next time"... and yet, when you reach that next time, you find yourself none the wiser what to do... despite countless hours and quiet nights previously spent rationalising things out to yourself. Despite nearly-brainwashing yourself into believing you'd do things differently. Despite all the best intentions in the world; despite all the worst regrets in the world. Can regret change the nature of a man?

Time... time changes a man. His hair greys, maybe his stature diminishes a little... maybe his eyes lose - or gain! a familiar sparkle... But does it change his nature? You bump into people a decade down the line, and they assume you're still who you used to be, and you in return make the same assumptions... and usually the assumptions hold true. Your little mundane worlds are pretty much what they've always been... you make the same little noises to each other to "fill in the gaps" that you both already know the answers to...

I don't think time changes the nature of people... it acts as a catalyst; it dulls old wounds, it distracts with new experiences; it hedges the issues at stake till you almost-forget. It helps change to occur... but it isn't the factor that changes you.

So what can change the nature of a man? Ultimately, I guess... only a man can change the nature of a man. Only we can change ourselves, and we have to want to, to even begin.

And, God willing, we start to want while we still have the time left to change...

Goodnight out there, from Get thee down and Study, London.