"MR SHERWOOD WOULD YOU PLEASE KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON," hissed an annoyed care worker as she followed the trail of clothes into Brad Sherwood’s room.
She stopped at the door and glared at Brad who was attempting to dance, his baggy y-fronts struggling to stay up.
"Did you hear me?" asked the care worker.
"Maybe," Brad chuckled, "It’s my 79th birthday today and I’ll do as I please."
"Yeah well it’s 7 am and I clock off in an hour, so I don’t care," the care worker hissed, dumped Brad’s clothes on his bed and marched out of the room.
"Miserable bitch," Brad scorned as he tottered over to the bed to hunt out his socks.
"Good morning Brad," a frail but warm voice perked.
"Colin, you slept in," Brad beamed as Colin shuffled into the room, leaning heavily on his walking stick.
"No, I’ve been awake since four. I was going to visit…well you know. But that new girl, Suzie caught me and sent me back to my room," Colin grumbled and lowered himself onto Brad’s bed.
"I don’t like her, she yells at me," Brad whined.
"Well if you kept your clothes on for more than five seconds she mightn’t" Colin said matter-of-factly.
"Hey, if I’m going to go senile I might as well have fun doing it," Brad huffed.
"But you’re not going senile," Colin remarked.
"There’s still time…I’m 79 today you know," Brad nodded.
"79, well I never," Colin said whimsically spacing out for several seconds.
"How do I look?" Brad asked now sporting two odd socks.
"Disturbing," Colin replied.
"I think that’s an understatement…look at you, you look like a loony," Jeff exclaimed as he clambered out of bed in a charming pair of striped flannelette pajamas and a dark green cardigan.
"This coming from a man who’s wearing a toupee backwards," Brad harrumphed.
"Now, now you two. There’s no need to be childish," Colin sighed getting back to his feet.
"Who’s being childish…the man has forgotten to wear pants for the last three months," Jeff scowled.
"I’m perfectly comfortable the way I am," Brad grumbled.
"Your toupee is on backwards though," Colin chuckled and ripped Jeff’s rug from his head.
"Hey, give that back," Jeff whined.
Colin gave a toothless grin and then shuffled as fast as he could out the door. Jeff followed in the hottest pursuit he could muster.
Brad chuckled as he watched his friends leave and then decided to see who else was up. He wandered into entertainment area and there in his usual spot, in front of the TV, brightly crocheted blanket over his legs, tattered old dressing gown and his glasses askew was Greg.
"Good morning Greg," Brad perked as he seated himself in a comfy looking recliner.
"What’s so good about it? There’s nothing on TV, my glass is empty, I’ve got a so much phlegm in my lungs I could possibly drown." He paused to have two minutes worth of hacking coughing, then lit a cigarette, "and I’m still alive," he added.
"It’s my birthday," Brad said almost miserably.
"Oh…right…happy birthday then" Greg paused and turned to a hunched, tone deaf figure in another recliner, "HEY CHIP ITS BRAD’S BIRTHDAY," he yelled. And then coughed again.
"Huh," Chip mumbled.
"ITS BRAD’S BIRTHDAY," Greg yelled again.
"What?" Chip said slightly louder.
"I said you deaf old fuck…ITS BRAD’S BIRTHDAY," Greg snapped.
"Oh…oh…good," Chip nodded.
"I swear he gets more deaf everyday," Greg muttered.
"You’ll never guess who Colin was going to visit," Brad piped up.
"Oh I bet I can…I don’t know why he bothers, the guy is past it big time," Greg wheezed.
"I think it’s a nice thing to do," Brad huffed.
"You think getting naked is a nice thing to do…and really, look at you…your tits are sagging," Greg mused, and for the first time broke into a smile.
Brad let out a dejected huff, clumsily got to his feet and stormed out of the entertainment area. Greg broke out into laughter, which soon turned to more coughing.
Colin had eventually given Jeff the slip and found himself in a quiet, darkened corridor. He decided while he was there he might as well finish what he started that morning.
He shuffled a short way down the corridor, to a closed, sterile blue door and knocked weakly.
"GO AWAY," a familiar voice screamed.
"It’s Colin," Colin replied.
"Oh, you better come in then," the voice grumbled.
Colin opened the door and Ryan looked over from where he was hunched over his walking frame at the window.
"Nice day isn’t it," Colin smiled.
"No, I saw a cloud, it’ll probably rain," Ryan skulked.
"Well if you watched the news occasionally you’d see its going to be fine and sunny all week," Colin scorned.
"Alright, alright don’t get your incontinence knickers in a knot," Ryan mused.
Colin narrowed his eyes. "Speak for yourself."
"Hey, under these pajamas I’m naked buddy," Ryan spat.
"Thanks for that image," Colin retorted.
Ryan gave a low chuckle. "So how is everyone? Greg dead yet?"
"No Greg’s…well he’s…he’s Greg, Chip’s getting more deaf everyday, oh and it’s Brad’s birthday today," Colin perked.
"Really? How old is he now?" Ryan mused.
"79," Colin replied.
"He still refusing pants?" Ryan asked.
"Oh yes," Colin nodded.
"Thought he might, I should pay him a visit," Ryan smiled.
"You should Ryan, everyone misses you," Colin pleaded.
"IT’S CAPTAIN BILLY" Ryan yelled.
"Ok," Colin mumbled.
"It’s Captain Billy I keep telling you, people say I’m senile well hello, no one can remember my name. No wonder I’m anti social; no one listens to me anyway. Bunch of selfish bastards. I’ve been here too long you know…I need a woman, why are we in an all men’s home anyway?" Ryan rambled.
"You finished?" Colin asked raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah, hey…what’s that?" Ryan asked pointing to a strange object in Colin’s hand.
"Jeff’s wig," Colin smiled.
"Here," Ryan breathed and held out his hand.
Colin shuffled over and passed Ryan the toupee. Ryan opened the window and dropped it out. The toupee landed in a fishpond and was soon the centre of a battle between two ducks.
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