Preface: This article is intended to be part honest opinion and part George Carlin-style rant. Those incapable of telling the difference between fact and opinion (and also between seriousness and humor) should go someplace else.

5) "They Ain't Friends No More:" Courtney Cox Arquette vs. Jennifer Aniston (the prize: the right to put Lisa Kudrow to a horrible gruesome death)

4) "The Battle for Scott Foley:" Keri Russell vs. Jennifer Garner

3) "Saved by the Bell For Real:" Tiffani-Amber Thiessen vs. Elizabeth Berkley

2) "Pop-star Free For All:" Britney Spears vs. Christina Aguilera (the loser gets a public flogging administered by Alecia "Pink" Moore)

1) "Pink Ranger Pugilists:" Catherine Sutherland (the Australian blonde who played Kimberly Hart's replacement, Kat) vs. Amy Jo Johnson (Kimberly Hart herself)

5) Press Your Luck (the people who should give it some respect don't give it any; it may have a weak structure and a somewhat annoying environment, but damn it, it's fun)

4) Smush (addictive and intelligent fun from Jellyvision and Michael Davies)

3) (Bruce Forsyth's) Hot Streak (hey, with an American host, it might work)

2) The Big Showdown (credit Doug Morris and his nifty NetGame adaptation for cementing this game in the list)

1) Monopoly (Merv Griffin is a genius; he even got a complicated boardgame to work as a game show, even if it didn't get ratings)

Honorable mention: Bullseye (so it was a rip off of The Joker's Wild; with an updated set and music, faster gameplay and a host with better timing, it would be awesome)

5) Press Your Luck (most of the people who give it any respect give it WAY TOO MUCH! Come on folks, as much fun as is, it's not the greatest game of all time, and it never will be)

4) Love Connection (Chuck Woolery kicks ass, but relationship shows suck)

3) The Dating Game (Jim Lange kicks ass, but relationship shows suck)

2) The Newlywed Game (Bob Eubanks kicks ass [especially on Card Sharks], but…you get the idea)

1) ANYTHING THAT CALLS ITSELF A "REALITY" SHOW

Mark L. Walberg (wisecracking Russian Roulette host), Carson Daly (radio and television broadcaster; hey, it isn't his fault Total Request Live sucks, and besides, he's nowhere NEAR as annoying as the lameass popstars he had to deal with), Jay Wolpert (godfather of the current version of The Price Is Right and patron saint of game show contestants-turned-creators), Marc Summers (ex-Double Dare host, now producing several shows, and preparing to host GSN's WinTuition), and Bob Eubanks (concert promoter and radio DJ turned game show host; like I said, The Newlywed Game sucked, but it was never, ever, ever, ever, ever, Bob's fault)

"TV" Bob Boden (grand poobah of GSN programming and fellow Game Show Man if ever there was one), Fred "Mr. Game Show" Wostbrock (talent agent for most of the remaining game show legends; Game Show Man #2), Wink Martindale (legendary game show host), Mike Klauss (webmaster of TV-Gameshows.com; goodwill ambassador of the online game show fan community), and Jim Perry (host of Card Sharks and $ale of the Century).

George Carlin (legendary acid-tongued comedian), Denis Leary (ditto; this is really one of his ideas anyways), Chuck "General Blitz" Gibson (alt.tv.game-shows resident loudmouth; actually a nifty guy once ya get to know him), Simon Cowell (American Idol judge; hey, he hates popstars more than I do!), and George Gray (host of Weakest Link; just there to tell the victims that "they are the Weakest Link. Goodbye."

Sylvester Stallone (famous actor/screenwriter (he created and starred in "Rocky") who I met at an Autistic Children's Telethon in 1984), Jennifer Love Hewitt (teen idol who managed to make a successful career for herself; hey, she's a boxing fan!), Vin Diesel (star of XXX and Fast and The Furious; gets extra coolness points for being a fellow gamer), Roy Jones, Jr. (near-invincible light-heavyweight champion of the world; it'd be nice to have someone who can analyze the fight as it happens), and Robin Williams (famous semi-maniacal comedian and actor whom people say I look like; it'd be fun to have someone who can do running jokes during the fight).

5) Ken Ober

4) Marc Summers (my pick to replace Bob Barker if he retires)

3) Todd Newton (hey, I like the guy; he's not the best in the business, but he's still damn good)

2) Peter Tomarken (so call me a Tomarkenite; he is a good host (frankly, he's one of the reasons Press Your Luck worked at all), and he DOES deserve another show)

1) Jim Peck (hey, Three's A Crowd sucks, but he gets coolness points for subbing on The Joker's Wild)

5) Alex Trebek (he's fantastic on Jeopardy! but the nonsense with the moustache knocked him down a few points)

4) Donny Osmond (sorry, Donny-boy, but I'm a Dick Clark fan)

3) Regis Philbin (sorry, Reege, but Meredith Vieira has your number)

2) Todd Newton (at least as far as Professor Steve Beverly is concerned; I like the guy to death, but he's not the only fish in the sea, for goodness sakes)

1) Peter Tomarken (so call me a butt-kisser; he's a good host but he's NOT THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME, all you Tomarkenites)

4) Dick Clark (his laid-back and ever-helpful attitude was crucial to many contestants' success at television's most nerve-wracking endgame: the Winner's Circle)

3) Richard Dawson (he may have had an ego the size of the Death Star, but his charm and quick wit helped put many a family member at ease)

2) Jim Perry (the gentleman's gentleman of hosts, always sincere and friendly)

1) (A TIE!) Bob Barker and Monty Hall (I'm sorry, I refuse to rank one of these guys over the other; they pulled contestants out of the audience and had to make them feel like stars)

Honorable mention: Peter Marshall and Tom Bergeron (two contestants AND nine celebrities, folks…ya gotta be a people person to deal with all of them at once)

I'm done for now. As always, comments, questions, concerns, insults, and other assorted things you want to throw at me are welcome at gameshowman@winning.com.

Back to the Headquarters.