A Cure For A Curse

He sits across from me as we eat. He still doesn’t eat as much as he should, but I’m not going to bother him about it. Not now. It isn’t the time. He’s worried about the world, and it’s state, pesky eating habits are nothing to the most powerful mage to ever exist. I sigh heavily and wonder if he even realizes that our world will never be okay, that he can’t do anything about it anymore. The only thing to do is become a god and change it for yourself. I suppose that’s his viewpoint slowly corrupting me, but that’s what I get for being around him, for staying with him. "Dalamar? Why aren’t you eating?" he asks me.

Why does he care, his plate is still full. "I’m just thinking. Thinking about this whole god business."

He smiles at me, like I’m some sort of fucking child. Oh, Dalamar, it’s okay, I’ll be just fine. I can just hear him saying that to me. No, wait, he wouldn’t even use my name, he’d use child, or young one. That stupid, arrogant bastard. Why do I stay with him? I know, to learn. He has a lot to teach me, but sometimes I wonder if I have more to teach him. He needs to learn respect. I laugh. He looks back up at me like I have disgraced him and the whole fucking table. "Sorry," I mumble.

I suppose if he had respect and was humble, he wouldn’t be here today. He’d still be with Caramon and his whole crowd. The Heroes of the Lance. Some heroes, they don’t even kill the bad guy. Not that Caramon would actually let that happen. Well, maybe someday he will. "I’m going back up to the lab. Perhaps you should get some sleep."

I would roll my eyes if I didn’t fear that he would fry me or something. Maybe he’d give me some more burn marks in my chest. I’d get the whole fucking set. "No, I’m fine. I can come up with you."

I follow him up all those stairs. Somedays I wonder why he takes them, when he could just teleport up there. I suppose he’d give me some lame excuse like he has to save his spells for a time more important. When is he going to need to teleport out of here right now. No one can even get in here. I look up at him. He’s not even tired. He has that curse, and still, he’s not even breathing hard. Finally we get up there. "What are we working on?"

"A cure for my curse. I am sick of having it."

I nod. Yet again, we are stuck up here, trying to cure the impossible. But I suppose that nothing is impossible for him. "That tea helps to soothe the symptoms, but not the cause. Perhaps, some of those ingredients are key to the spell that will remove it."

We go over this all the time, yet he feels it necessary to repeat everything, as if saying it again will make it true. We’ve tried everything. Even to mixing in the sleep spell, maybe to make the curse sleep. It’s been getting ridiculous. I wonder if he is actually going insane.

"Could you please bring me a chair." Get your own damn chair, I think as I obediently get him one. I’m like his dog. "Thank you, Dalamar."

Why don’t you just cough to death. Thank you, Dalamar. I can almost see the sneer on his face. I sigh again. And yet, there is something alluring to him. I don’t understand it. Why I feel this way, but still hate him. I hate him for what he is and what he will be. I wonder if he will succeed. And if he will still have me around if he does. But, by the gods, I love him. I have for a while now. But only recently did I realize that it wasn’t just admiration. I hate and love him at the same time, what a paradox. He sits down and looks over his shoulder. "Dalamar, are you paying attention?"

"Yes, shalafi, as always."

"You seemed lost in thought, may I ask what you were thinking of?"

Like I could stop him from asking me. "Your curse and your plan."

He smiles and nods. "I see. Always fretting over things you cannot control?" "I suppose I am always worrying over everything. I just wonder what will happen, if you do it…or you can’t."

He gives me a look I cannot describe. It kind of looks like he’s stuck between slapping me and crying on my shoulder. "I can do it. I know that I can."

He sounds like he’s trying to convince himself, not me. He stands up, but keeps his back to me. "It’s just a matter of when I need to strike. When Takhisis is at her lowest, that’s when I need to attack."

I heave a sigh and he turns around. "I gave you the chance to leave my tower, to go back to your Council, but you said no! Now that they no longer have that connection to you, I am your master, and you will obey what I say!"

I am in shock, he yelled at me. I laugh in my head, it’s a lovers quarrel. What an odd time to laugh. I look him in the eyes, they are burning with anger, and yet, it’s like he wants me to tell him that he’s wrong. To tell him that it’s too dangerous for him to do it. I can’t, so I lower my head. "Yes, master. I shall do as you say."

"Come here," his voice returns to its original state of whisper.

I go to him and his arms envelop me, surprising me once again. "I am sorry that I yelled at you. I am just frustrated. It’s hard to watch the gods, and to make sure that they don’t know I am there."

I am unsure of what to do. What should I say? "Well, you can do it. I believe in you, master."

He lifts my head. "Call me Raistlin, please."

"Why?"

"I have a feeling that I will die in this path that I have chosen. I want to be Raistlin, even if I yell at you for it tomorrow. Please, just let me be Raistlin."

I smile soothingly at him. He trembles and I hold him up letting his head rest on my chest. I hate him, I know I do, but I am too much in love with him to let him hurt like this. I am scared too.

I can feel him sobbing against my chest and I close my eyes. Perhaps, just for today, he is just Raistlin, Raistlin Majere, the boy who could only be soothed by rabbits in the night.

* * * * *

I put him in his bed, and now I get to go back up to my room, up all those stairs. Is it worth it? Staying here? Yes, it is. I get to help the most powerful man on all of Krynn, and I get to stay with the only person I have ever loved. I begin to breathe heavily, fortunately I am almost to my room. I open the door and collapse on my bed, thinking about Raistlin. It’s the first time he has ever cried openly in front of me. I can hear him sometimes, in the middle of the night. It has been happening more often, sometimes he calls for Caramon, sometimes for me. I almost go to him when he says my name, but I think that would be an awkward position for him. If he wanted me to know about that, he would tell me. Or show me as he did today. I shake my head. I need to study.

I stare at my spellbook for what seems like a couple hours. It’s apparent that I am not going to sleep tonight. I get out a pad of paper and a charcoal pencil. I begin to draw, just drifting away from myself, letting my hand do all the thinking. I look down at my paper and see him. Raistlin. He’s a god. He’s holding his hand out to me. I always had a talent for drawing, but recently I have been so busy with him that I really haven’t had the time. "Have a fear that I am going to leave you behind?"

I turn around. He’s in my doorway. How did he get there without me hearing him? Well, I suppose that he is a mage. "Always do."

"Well, I won’t. What would I do without my loyal apprentice?"

"Why are you here?"

"I had nightmares again."

"You have nightmares?"

"Don’t be coy with me, Dalamar, I know you know that I have nightmares, and I know that I do have feelings. You are the only one that I can really be honest with anymore. You are the only one left that knows who I am for me, not for the Master of the Past and Present."

I look at the floor. "So, what do you want?"

"I want to sleep with you. I think that having another person near me would help. I do need sleep after all."

I nod. "That’s fine. You can sleep in my bed and I will sleep on the floor."

He laughs. "No, that’s not what I meant. I meant we could share the bed."

Impossible. He couldn’t mean that. I must be hearing things.

"What?"

"I said that we could share the bed."

So, I wasn’t hallucinating, unless I actually wasn’t drawing and I fell asleep. A dream, well, if it’s a dream, I might as well take it as far as my mind will let it go. And if it isn’t, then maybe he really does need comfort.

"Are you going to go to bed?"

I put the pencil and paper away and get into the bed. He joins me and scoots next to me, I can feel the warmth of his body. After a couple minutes, I can hear the steady breathing that tells me he’s asleep. I look at him, he looks so happy, so content when he sleeps. I tousle his hair. "You know, my shalafi, I love you," and I close my eyes.

* * * * *

My eyes open and I realize it was a dream. I sigh and try to get up but there is something heavy on my chest. I look down and it’s his arm. So, it wasn’t a dream, he really needed to be comforted last night. I look at him, and his head is nestled against my shoulder, and he is smiling.

I slowly and carefully untangle myself from his arms. I down into his room and grab the ingredients to his tea. I run back up the stairs to him. I sit at my desk and begin to make his tea. I can hear that he is stirring so I turn around.

"Dalamar?"

"Yes, shalafi?"

He sits up in the bed. "I thought I told you to call me Raistlin."

I smile. "Yes, I didn’t want to start off the day wrong, so I decided I would rather be safe than sorry. I made your tea, Raistlin."

"Thank you, but I don’t think that I need it this morning."

I look at him, and sure enough, he’s breathing just fine. There isn’t even a trace of his usual wheezing. "Well, perhaps our last try did it."

His brow furrows. "No, I don’t think so. I think that when they said curse, they meant that perhaps there was an anticurse. Something that I couldn’t make, but had to do."

"What would you have to do?"

He looks at me, into my eyes. "I don’t know. I can research it though."

Ah, research, there’s my old master. "I will get dressed and help you, Raistlin. I will be in the lab in a couple of minutes."

* * * * *

I’d tried my best to help him with his new research, but it was fruitless. We couldn’t find anything on it at all. Raistlin is obviously angry at our failure, probably thinking that it’s all my fault. No, maybe not. Not now. What am I thinking? He couldn’t possibly think that last night meant anything. Of course it didn’t. He probably has already forgotten about it, putting it away in his mind. "Dalamar, do you have any ideas about this?"

He is still speaking in a whisper, but it isn’t raspy. It’s almost melodious. "No, Raistlin, I don’t have any ideas. You say that our workings yesterday didn’t do anything, so I am all out of ideas for what could have done it. But your curse is obviously gone, it doesn’t seem like there’s any trace of it left."

Was I just rambling? Oh, gods, in the name of Nuitari. How pathetic. I’m rambling so that I have a reason to talk to him. I hope that he didn’t notice. He looks at me and sighs. "I don’t know either. And it is driving me insane."

"Well, what did you do yesterday, everything. Maybe it’s a change in your habits."

"I don’t know. I ate, not much. I studied. I slept, in your room. That was the only change."

It was my forehead’s turn to furrow. "Well, I don’t see how that has anything to do with it."

His expression changed from one of confusion, to one of understanding. He smiles at me. "I understand. Thank you, Dalamar, for showing me."

He walks over to me. "Showing you what?"

"The cure for my curse. I imagine that you found it a long time ago, but couldn’t tell me, because then it wouldn't work."

I am so confused by this man. "What on Krynn are you talking about?"

"The cure. It’s truly caring for another person without having any stigma to it. No other underlying emotions of hatred. It’s love. Love is the cure, but it has to be pure."

"I still don’t understand what you mean, Raistlin."

He rests his hands on my shoulders. "I love you, and I admitted it last night, maybe not in words, but in actions. I let myself love you. That was it, that was the cure, and you must have known it. You did all these things so I would grow to love you so you could cure me. But what I don’t understand is why you would do that."

It’s all coming together now. He thinks that I was playing the part instead of my feelings being true. "Because I really do love you," it’s the only thing I can think of to say.

He laughs at me, to my face. That kind of hurts. "No, really?" he takes his hands off of my shoulders. "What was your motive?"

He looks really suspicious now. "I’m not lying, I really do love you, Raistlin. I have for a long while now. I had no idea that was the cure, but I am glad that it is." I wonder, does he believe me, or not. His face is expressionless, but I can tell that he is thinking. Then, suddenly, he leans forward at me and kisses me. It’s amazing! His lips are hot, and he pulls me close to him and kisses me harder! How many long nights have I wished that this would happen. Hoping against hope that he would feel the same way about me. Raistlin Majere, how I love you! He wraps his arms around me as if to make sure I won’t run away! Like I could run away from him.

Sadly, I pull away for a moment and look deep into his eyes. There are tears there, something that I have only seen twice now. "Let’s go to my room," I say. Sounds like a cheesy pickup line, but he doesn’t even bother with the stairs. He teleports us into my room. So that’s what he was saving that spell for. He pushes me onto the bed and gets on the bed himself. He begins to kiss me again, but more gently this time. It’s like now he knows that I really do love him, and that I do want him. The lights go out and slowly he pulls my robes off of me. "Dalamar, hold me, please, I love you, and I always have."

"I love you too, Raistlin. I love you too."