TwistedFun - Funny Jokes
Page 1
Nude Beach...
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the
women had breasts bigger than his mother's and he asked her
why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the
person is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, went to play in the ocean but
returned to tell his mother that many of the men had larger
members than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person
is."
Again satisfied with the answer, the boy returned to the ocean
to play. Shortly afterward, the boy returned again. He promptly
told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the
beach and the longer he talks the dumber he gets."
Another Version of the Joke:
A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to
visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn't want
the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that
the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that
the woman with really big tits were really really dumb. When
they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the
son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last
time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really
dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."
Sex at therapists...
A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The
doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you
watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled,
but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's
nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged
them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor,
then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are
you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's
married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't
go to my house." "The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton
charges $108.We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from
Medicare."
Lottery Ticket...
A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and
shouts, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery." The husband
says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean or should
I pack for the mountains?" She says, "I don't care. Just get the
fuck out."
No Panties...
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then
casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and
I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then
because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
800 dollars...
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on
the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she
was going, and she replied, "I'm going to Las
Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told
him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what
I give you for free."
He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his
bags and returned to the porch and his wife. She said, "And
just where do you think you are going?" He replied, "I'm
going, too." "Why?" she asked. He said, "I want to see how you
are going to live on $800.00 a year.
Table Sex…
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is
losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns
her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his
mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does.
About a week later she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc, the
pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It
wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and
dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and
ravages me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I'm
sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The
foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Naah... ",
she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that
Restaurant anyway."
Last Wish...
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One
month after I die I want you to marry Mr. Drone." "Drone! But
he is your enemy!" "Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these
years so let him suffer now!!!."
Worst Death...
Three guys had recently died and were awaiting entrance into
Heaven. But St. Peter appeared and informed them that,
unfortunately, Heaven was only allowing 33% of applicants in
today, due to overpopulation. So, only 1 of the 3 would be
allowed in. Whoever died the worst death out of the three would
be let in.
St. Peter took the first man aside in private, and let him tell
his story:
"'For months I had been suspecting that my wife had been
cheating on me. So, one day, I decided to leave home from work
early and try to catch her in the act. But when I arrived home,
she was in the shower. Suspicious, I searched the house for
anybody. And then I found him: He was hanging off my 25th floor
balcony hoping I wouldn't see him! Fortunately, there was a
hammer nearby and I bashed his fingers. He fell, but--the lucky
bastard--he didn't die! Outraged, I grabbed my refrigerator and
chucked it down on him. It killed him instantly. But then I
felt so bad about it, I took a gun and killed myself."
St. Peter thought this was certainly a decent death, and took
the second guy aside to hear his story:
"O.K. I live on the 27th floor of my apartment building, and I
was out on my balcony getting some fresh air. I yawned and took
in a big stretch, and I lost my balance! I fell over the
balcony, but--I was so lucky--I managed to grab another room's
balcony a couple of stories down. But then, for some reason,
this guy came out and bashed my hands with a hammer. I guess he
was mad I was hanging off his deck. Anyway, I fell about 25
stories down, but luckier still, I wasn't dead. But as I looked
up, I saw that a refrigerator was on its way down to bash me.
That's how I died."
St. Peter thought this death was quite tragic, but still took
the third guy aside to hear his story. The third guy
started: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator…"
Teacher, Garbage collector, and lawyer...
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up
together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in
order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one
question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was
the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just
made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St.
Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage
man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that
this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a
little harder: "How manypeople died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and
answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St.
Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
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