HARRY
POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE!
Courtesy of
KG
Here we see
a Random Snake slithering around in the tall grass. This MAY or MAY NOT be part
of the movie.
Random
Snake cleverly warps into a hut kitchen, in which an Old Man who MAY or MAY NOT
be Frank Bryce is trying to make tea possibly. For reasons only the Random
Snake (maybe-Nagini) may know, Maybe-Bryce leaves his
hut to enter the marginally larger hut.
HARRY
(V.O.)
Shit,
that's a HUGE mansion!
Maybe-Bryce,
who gets no lines in this movie, sticks his nose where it doesn't belong and
gets killed.
ELVIS, or
BARTY CROUCH JR
What
exactly am I doing here? This makes everything a bit obvious for those who
haven't read the book, all three of you.
CUT TO:
Harry, whose eyes are blue, because he is now being played by Elijah Wood's
younger clone. He's possibly having a nightmare about what we just saw, but
it's a bit of a leap. Hermione enters the scene immediately followed by Ron.
HARRY
What are
you guys going at the Dursley's?
RON and
HERMIONE
No, no, no.
It's faster if we start from the Burrow. Which is where we
are.
HERMIONE
And we're
about to be late for the next plot point: the introduction of Cedric Diggory!
HARRY
Who?
CUT TO:
some woods. Mr. Weasly gets his joke in.
ENTER: Mr. Diggory from right. ENTER Cedric Diggory,
from a tree.
CEDRIC
I should be
the main character.
HARRY
I foresee a
significantly shorter series, in that case.
MR DIGGORY
Well, if it
isn't Harry Potter!
HARRY
--it's not
worth reading. I've waited my whole life to meet you, sir.
CUT TO: a
hill. Zoom in dramatically on... a Boot, framed in light by the sunrise.
HERMIONE
Praise the
lord, it's a boot!
HARRY
No one
bother explaining anything. I'm used to it.
Special
Effects department has a field day with the smudge tool.
HARRY
Invisible Bike Dismount?
CUT TO:
crazy camp-fair. It is clear that Mr. and Mrs. Roberts were long ago left in a
ditch somewhere. After three years of magic Harry still expects a normal tent.
FRED and
GEORGE
We talk in
unison because we are wizard twins. It's the law.
CUT TO: an
inside-out building, that is, the Quidditch World Cup
Stadium.
HARRY
Oh, so THIS
is what we were doing.
HERMIONE
Maaaaaybe,
maybe not…
LUSIOUS
MALFOY
Wow I'm
evil. *whacks Draco*
HARRY
Ha!
LUSIOUS
MALFOY
Oh? *whacks
Harry*
HARRY
Ow! Assault!
Assault with a stick! Arrest this man!
LUCIOUS
MALFOY
I bought
the police, Harry.
HARRY
*squinting
accusingly* I don't think you even need
a walking stick.
CUT TO:
some inconsequential pre-game flattery of Krum and some very dashing hats. And possibly the minister of gaming.
CUT TO:
some post-game flattery of Krum and general benign insanity led by Fred and
George. Suddenly the screams of joy from outside become screams of terror. Or gradually. Anyway, the KKK has landed and is razing the
place.
MR WEASLY
Right, if
you guys could avoid getting lost coming here, you can make it out again.
HARRY
Theoretically.
Harry gets
trampled.
CUT TO:
much later. There is a Creepy Man stomping about the place, munching on some
popcorn. He pauses.
CREEPY MAN
Oh, yeah, I
was supposed to make the Dark Mark.
He does.
Harry, the
only thing that didn't catch fire, wakes up and spots the Creepy Man muttering
to himself.
HARRY
Hey, you
there! You know, I think I just got trampled. Normally I wouldn't complain, but
it appears that I was the ONLY one who got trampled. Seems a bit harsh,
considering-- hey, where are you going? Stomping off home? Well, just watch out
for any trampled people, they have feelings too, you know.
Hermione
and Ron *finally* show up, at the most convenient time to get shot at by many
wizened wizards, including Hitler, I mean, Barty
Crouch Sr. Mr. Weasly is able to recognize Ron while
Harry is unable to recognize the man he MAY or MAY NOT HAVE seen in what was
possibly just a dream.
MR WEASLY
Hey, that's
my son. He's clearly innocent. Just look at that hat!
HARRY
What's got
all your robes in a bunch, eh?
HERMIONE
Harry,
that's His mark!
HARRY
Hitler's?
Pretty poorly executed swastika, if you ask me.
EVERYONE
....
BARTY
CROUCH SR
There's
something missing in this scene...
HARRY
Ah, yes,
there was a dude who stomped off in that general direction.
The wizened
wizards leave, chasing someone they can't see.
DARK MARK
Haha!
Cat's Cradle!
Woosh!
CUT TO the Hogwarts train!
TROLLEY
LADY
Bring out
your dead! Bring out your dead!
RON
Here's
some Knuts.
TROLLEY
LADY
I can't
take those, they aren't dead!
RON
Can't argue with that logic.
In comes
Demon Witch Cho, to buy some innocent pasties.
HARRY
Nnngghhaaaaaaarrrggg! Owie! Gaaah!
Harry
stumbles back into the compartment. Demon Witch Cho
wanders off, looking puzzled.
HERMIONE
Harry, I
think Sirius wants you to whine about your problems at him. It would give him
something to compare his life in
Harry pulls
Hedwig out of his butt and throws her out the window.
CUT TO:
British Countryside, which might be
CUT TO: a carriage
pulled by flying horses. We're not sure why.
HAGRID
Whoa,
there, Rudolph! Can't you understand simple Sign Language? Get it? Haha...
CUT TO: a
ship popping out of a lake. We're not sure about this either.
CUT TO:
Hogwarts Great Hall. There are one million CGI floating candles (based on 5
unique yet normal candles), dripping CGI hot wax on everyone and their food.
Dumbledore may be talking about something, but everyone is watching Filch
prance around like the minister of silly walks.
FILCH
*To
Dumbledore* Troll in the-- I mean, *whispercheeseheadwhisperwhisper*
DUMBLEDORE
Blah blah blah Triwizard Tournament blah blah blah Beauxbatons Prissy French Ladies.
ENTER: the outrageously
stereotyped girls of Beauxbatons. This will make it less of a shock when Fleur
utterly fails at everything.
RON
Nice butts.
Our school uniforms don't show off girls' butts nearly as well.
HARRY
What's up
with those hats? Are they interviewing to be someone's secretary?
DUMBLEDORE
On the flip
side, here's Durmstrang, also flaunting their stereotyped bad selves. We're
shocked Krum doesn't get arrested later.
ENTER:
Durmstrang. The Hogwarts teachers are thanking the gods that they teach at a co-ed
school.
CUT TO:
just outside Hogwarts, a man stumping not unlike the Maybe-Barty
Jr. is heading ominously toward the gates. There is thunder and lightning.
CUT TO: The
head table in the Great Hall, where the relationships between Karkaroff and Snape, and Maxime and Hagrid are
established. Hagrid stabs someone of very short
stature with a fork.
Dumbledore
walks over to a tall shiny thing that is suddenly at the front of the Hall.
DUMBLEDORE
Blah blah blah
Dangerous blah blah blah Barty Crouch.
ENTER: Barty Crouch Sr.. Also, the Stompy Guy. There is
some especially ominous thunder and lightning. Here would be the first
indication of evil: divine signs from above. Stompy
Guy blasts the ceiling.
STOMPY GUY
Stupid sky always breaking. Skies just aren't built like they used to be.
Stompy
Guy stomps down the Hall, zooming in on Harry using spy-guy sfx.
Then he takes a very feverish swig out of his tiny flask. Three cheers for
pulling off the "I'm just a crazy drunkard" ploy.
RON
Harry,
surely you have some insight on what's in Moody's flask.
HARRY
Oh, maybe
beer?
HERMIONE
Obviously, Polyjuice Potion.
HARRY and
RON
Polyjuice
Potion?
HERMIONE
Polyjuice
Potion.
BARTY
CROUCH SR
I'd love to
tell you all about this horrible plot my son and Voldemort have, but I'll tell
you some slightly less bad news instead: Because most people under 17 can't
spell their way out of a paper bag, no one under 17 may enter the Tournament.
STUDENTS
How
unreasonable.
BARTY
CROUCH SR
Yes, I
thought you'd say that.
DUMBLEDORE
Hey,
everyone, remember this tall shiny thing? Well, hey presto! It's gone!
GOBLET OF
FIRE
Wow. I get
my name in the title, but is this really about me?
CUT TO: A
room at the center of which is the very BLUE Goblet of Fire, surrounded by the
very BLUE Age Line. Karkaroff closes the doors
ominously. Clearly, he is the Red Herring.
CUT TO: the
only class ever to be held at Hogwarts this year: Moody's introductory DADA
class.
BARTY
CROUCH JR
I scorn
authority and am a crazy drunkard. Isn't that just so hip?
SOME BOY
WHO MIGHT AS WELL BE FINNIGAN
I'm one of
those people who can't be bothered to put my gum in the trash. I totally
deserve the Ferret Treatment.
Barty
Crouch Jr throws his chalk at Finnigan
and misses. Clearly drunk.
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Haha! Imperius Curse: the ability to make things float
uncontrollably! For example, this ugly creature I found in my soup this
morning!
Barty
Crouch Jr swings a huge crawler around the room with
his wand. Ron freaks out, even though it might actually be more of a crab. This
isn't as funny as everyone in the class seems to think it is, but Crouch's
insane laughter marks the second indication of evil.
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Oh, yeah.
It's all fun and games until someone DIES. So, who would like to admit their
suspiciously vast knowledge of the Dark Arts?
NEVILLE
*thinking*
Why is everyone raising their hand? Well I don't want to stand out...
BARTY
CROUCH JR
You there,
the kid whose parents I tortured to insanity.
NEVILLE
NOOOOOOOOOO!
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Right...
Stand up here while I torture this spider-thing to insanity.
Hermione
shrieks as if her hair has suddenly caught fire.
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Avada Kedavera! OOOoooOOO! Aren't I
just so bad-ass. I just killed this insane little creature with 7 syllables.
HARRY
That's a might
bit familiar. I'll make a foreboding face at it, to indicate as such.
BARTY
CROUCH JR
All eyes on
Harry! ... Whoa, not drunk enough! *swigs drunkenly from tiny flask*
HARRY
Anyone else
smell Polyjuice Potion?
HERMIONE
Indeed, I
never forget a smell, and I do believe either someone just relieved themselves
or... YOU'RE NOT RON WEASLY!
RON
Or both? Heh heh...
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Damn. These kids. I wish I had some actual booze.
CUT TO:
after class, on some very narrow and winding stairs, the top of which could not
possibly hold a classroom of the size seen previously.
HERMIONE
I need to
take a chill pill. Or fifty.
Barty
Crouch Jr attempts to stump down the stairs and jumps
Neville. He knocks them both over and they roll toward the bottom of the stairs.
While rolling, Crouch cleverly slips Neville a book on plants. It's fascinating.
CUT TO: the
Rather Large Room with the Goblet of Fire, in which Diggory
blows Ron off. Harry reflects on the prospect of a year in which his life
doesn't get threatened. He reflects that his life never got threatened with the
Dursleys.
ENTER: the Weasly Twins. They are very popular. The director pretends
to let them get away with cheating for five seconds. Then they turn into
slightly less identical Mark Twains. They fight for some reason. Everyone
crowds around and participates in mob activities, so that they look as foolish
as possible when...
ENTER: the
Durmstrang students. Actually, just Krum. He gives
Hermione a leer. Hermione grimaces. The audience is puzzled.
CUT TO: the
same room, with lots more people in it. Dumbledore shows off his power over
fire in order to create suspense. Everyone claps politely.
DUMBLEDORE
The Durmstrang
champion is... Oh, for the love of Viktor Krum.
A few
seconds later everyone figures this out.
DUMBLEDORE
The
Beauxbatons champion is... Right, what did I say about using pink ink? And this
is not regulation paper. How am I supposed to read this?
MAXIME
What's the
handwriting like?
DUMBLEDORE
Prissy.
MAXIME
You'll have
to be more specific.
FLEUR
For
convenience, let's just say it's me.
DUMBLEDORE
Whatever, crazy French girl. And the Hogwarts champion is poster-boy Cedric.
Everyone
cheers. Cedric is so much more popular than the Weasly
Twins. At least, that's what the director wants us to think.
DUMBLEDORE
And now may
I introduce the divine glow of the Triwizard Cup!
TRIWIZARD
CUP
I'm
marginally more beautiful and important than the Goblet of Fire, but there's
nothing much triangular about me.
Everyone
claps politely and gets up to go to dinner, because this is not the Great Hall.
The Goblet of Fire suddenly pukes violently over anyone standing up to leave.
They sit down.
TRIWIZARD
CUP
Stop
drawing attention from me!
DUMBLEDORE
Harry
Potter, you're wanted at the switchboard. Your mom brought you some extra
socks. No, I'm kidding. Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry
Potter.
Everyone is
puzzled but silent.
SNAPE
What was
that?
DUMBLEDORE
If you say
his name three times, he appears! I read it in a magazine!
SNAPE
I think
that was Beetlejuice. Or maybe Bettlegeise?
DUMBLEDORE
Siriusly?
SNAPE
*sigh*
DUMBLEDORE
Whatever,
but I'm sure he heard me. Harry Potter, I'm dead serious about this, get your
ass up here.
Harry
cautiously pokes his head above the crowd.
HARRY
Does this
mean I'm going to die?
DUMBLEDORE
Yeah, probably. But you'll die a lot sooner if you don't come here right now. Jesus, I
wasn't aware you were a paraplegic.
As Harry wanders around the Rather Large Room toward Dumbledore and then
beyond, various students and teachers hiss like wolverines. Barty
Crouch Jr is trying to look as bland as possible,
which actually makes him look like he stuffed half a lemon in his mouth. Not a
whole lemon, mind you, just half of one.
CUT TO: a
creepy workshop. But you can barely hear the clacking of various gizmos over
the loud arguing of a variety of adults who have followed Harry into the room.
Dumbledore suddenly breaks from the group to pounce on Harry in an attempt to
strangle him. Everyone watches. Snape and Karkaroff are sharing a bag of popcorn.
BARTY
CROUCH JR
I'll stick
up for you, kid!
HARRY
Oh, Moody,
you're my only friend!
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Must...
not... laugh... manically.
BARTY
CROUCH SR
There's
clearly something wrong with me.
CUT TO:
Dumbledore's office, maybe.
DUMBLEDORE
I only bend
to authority when authority is under the control of the enemy.
MCGONAGALL
Harry
Potter is a piece of meat.
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Polyjuice
Potion.
DUMBLEDORE
I need to
yank this infectious glowing slug from my head in public.
MCGONAGALL
That's
quite a collection of infectious glowing slugs you have there.
DUMBLEDORE
Why thank
you.
CUT TO:
Harry's dorm room, where Ron is sulking, AGAIN. Harry reflects on his
expectations for a relatively normal year.
CUT TO:
some room in the castle. You can tell it's in the castle because it's gloomy
and in shades of grey. The Champions are suddenly bosom buddies with absolutely
no need for explanations.
ENTER Rita Skeeter. The only one who can act without breaking a sweat. She's dressed like a neon sign.
RITA
SKEETER
I'm so
British. Listen closely, I'm dragging Harry to his
doom.
They go
into a closet. Outside, a few people allow themselves to snigger at the
implications.
RITA
SKEETER
I'm the
only person outside the Dursleys who is hip to the
fact that Harry grew up in a closet. Fancy!
HARRY
"Glistening
with the ghosts of my past"? I'm not saying that. Who wrote this script?
RITA
SKEETER
Some people
are saying that your repeated attempts to piss off Dumbledore are a sign that
you have a psychotic death wish.
Harry is
struck dumb, but we're used to that. Dumbledore suddenly flings open the door.
DUMBLEDORE
All sorts
of things can happen in a broom closet.
RITA
SKEETER
Why are you
here?
DUMBLEDORE
Why, you're
right! There's not supposed to be any indication that you're anything but a bit
eccentric! If we tried to explain what a pain in everyone’s buttocks you are,
you'd take up far too much of this movie and we'd have to rename it Rita Skeeter and her Overlarge Ego.
CUT TO the Owlry. You can tell because there's owls.
Harry's also there, thinking about... stuff...
HARRY
Who knows
what the owls do when there's no one here to watch. I bet they're waiting for
me to leave so they can party.
ENTER
evil-looking horned owl.
HARRY
Oh! Sirius
sent me a fortune-teller! Let's see... P-u-m-p-e-r-n-i-c-k-l-e. F-o-r-t-y-t-w-o.
And Green! It says here... He wants to meet me in the common room at two in the
morning? That sucks. Yeah, everyone else will be asleep, but so will I. I have
classes to attend after all. No, wait, I'm going to die soon, so what do non-existent
classes matter?
The owl,
quite naturally, bites Harry. How horrible.
HARRY
"PS
the owl bites." Yes, thank you for telling me that after the fact. Birds
like this should be eaten for dinner.
CUT TO: two
in the morning in Gryffindor common room. Rita Skeeter
laughs at Harry in his mind. To get back at her, he throws the newspaper in the
fire. At the Skeeter residence, Rita is too unconscious
to notice her hair is smoking slightly.
Back at the
common room, the face-shaped pile of coals appears to be hacking due to
poor-quality newspaper. Or is it just being forced to become more face-shaped?
SIRIUS
Yes, I
still have a mustache.
HARRY
You have a
sore throat or something?
SIRIUS
No. This is
just very painful. In order to get the imprint of my face on your side, I have
to stick my face inside the coals on my side. Pretty fancy,
eh?
HARRY
Are you
serious?
SIRIUS
I am DEAD sirius. Haha. Get it?
HARRY
Was there
anything important you wanted to discuss?
SIRIUS
Oh, you
know, there were some things we discussed in the book, but they haven't been
revealed yet, so let's talk about things that never happened.
RON
I was gonna go get something from the fridge at 2 in the morning,
don't mind me.
HARRY
I wish I
had a "Potter Stinks" badge to throw at you, but they haven't been
made yet. *sigh*
CUT TO: one
of the ever-changing lake shores of Hogwarts. Harry is accompanying Neville on
a marine biologist expedition of some sort for some reason we're sure is reasonable.
Everyone in this scene is dressed like fashionably goth muggles.
NEVILLE
I'm going
to be more popular that Fred and George put together after this movie.
ENTER: Ron
and Hermione, followed by Ginny. Hermione is rasping at Ron about something.
HERMIONE
Ron told me
to tell you that... Somebody told me that you had a boyfriend who looked like a
girlfriend that I had in February of last year. It's not confidential, I got
potential. A-rushin' a-rushin' around.
HARRY
Yeah, that
sounds like something Ron would say.
HERMIONE
I am angry
at you even though Ron's the one being stupid (of course).
Ron,
Hermione, and Ginny storm off. Harry reflects on what he did to deserve this
and comes up blank.
HARRY
That
message must have been Ron-speak for "Hagrid
wants to see you." Oh hey, Neville! Look out for that flying Moody!
NEVILLE
What?
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Bonzai!!!!
*pounces*
NEVILLE
Arrrgggg!
CUT TO:
some forest or something, possibly Forbidden. Harry has found Hagrid, we guess.
HARGRID
Double
date!
HARRY
I don't
know what to be more horrified about. This double date or
those dragons over there. These dragons will surely be the toughest
thing I've ever faced.
CUT TO: the
gratuitous showing-off of the CGI props department and their latest creation:
the Potter Stinks badges.
HARRY
About time.
Gimme one!
Harry
enters a nice courtyard, where the entire school seems to be hanging, and none
of them have anything better to do that reiterate their cool badges and make
fun of Harry for not having one.
HARRY
Cedric, buddy. Nice guy. I happen to have found out recently that the first task is a
gigantic Rubik Cube.
CEDRIC
What?
HARRY
Swear it on
my mother's spine.
CEDRIC
Riiiight...
Want a badge?
HARRY
Do I ever! Gosh, you ARE nice. Okay, I lied,
Mr. Goody-two-shoes; or one-shoe, or none. It depends on how you fair with the
dragons. See how sneaky I was? I bet you'll need me to repeat that: first task
is dragons.
Harry walks
off to further beat at his friendship with Ron using a frozen stick of garlic
bread.
CEDRIC
*thinking*
He's had a few too many blows to the head...
Elsewhere
in the courtyard, Malfoy is sitting in a very
convenient tree. He tries to pull off a Cedric Doubleflip
Tree Dismount, but fails to stick it. Everyone in the courtyard points and
laughs.
HARRY
Wannabe
MALFOY
You're gonna die.
HARRY
Mmmm, did
you just realize that, or did you know it a long time ago but didn't have the
heart to tell me until now?
MALFOY
I place
superfluous bets with my father over you. We're that obsessed.
HARRY
I don't
give a damn about your gambling problems!
Harry turns
to leave annnnd... cue the ferret scene!
Barty
Crouch Jr appears out of nowhere, turns Malfoy into a ferret, and utterly fails to bash it on the
ground or tree or other peoples' heads. Then he does some queer things with Crabbe/Goyle's pants.
MCGONAGAL
I'm doing
much better in this little skit than you are, Moody.
Barty
Crouch Jr sticks his tongue out at McGonagal. This would look less out of place if we keep in
mind how annoyingly common it is to see Crouch's tongue outside of his mouth.
Then he invites Harry to lunch.
CUT TO: the
DADA teacher's office, which changes shape every year. Now it's very dark and
full of sharp objects.
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Don't
worry. I won't kill you yet. We have to do that the hard way.
A
Suspicious Box makes very loud wailing noises. It sounds an awful lot like an
ex-Auror in distress.
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Um,
right... How about them dragons, Harry?
HARRY
What? Ah,
um, you know... dragonish. Got scales, teeth, heartburn... Didn't you say
something about lunch? I'm a growing boy, you know. If I'm going to be killed,
I want to leave a fat body that's hard to lift.
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Er... So. What're yer talents?
HARRY
I pulled a
sword out of a hat once.
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Pretty good
at that, eh?
HARRY
I thought it was good.
BARTY
CROUCH JR
*sigh* Use
your wand to get your broom, then--
HARRY
Use my Quidditch skillz to pwnz0rz the
dragon?
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Let me
finish! Then whack the dragon with it. Dragons are deathly allergic to pine,
which is what Firebolts are made out of.
HARRY
Are you
sure you're not the one trying to get
me killed?
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Who's the
DADA teacher around here? Is it you? Can't be me. If it was, why, you wouldn't be questioning my wisdom now would
you?
CUT TO the
Champions' tent at a stadium that wasn’t there a second ago and gods know how
everyone else got there.
Hermione
suddenly jumps trough the wall.
HARRY
Wow! Wish I
could do that...
ENTER Rita Skeeter.
RITA
SKEETER
It's a
tent. Your average slug can get through the walls. Hello! I'm back in the
story!
KRUM
This might
be my only line in the movie.
ENTER
Dumbledore and Barty Crouch Sr.
DUMBLEDORE
What are
all these people doing here? What am I doing here? This wasn't in the book!
Where's what's-his-name, that minister of silly walks, or international gaming
or something.
BARTY
CROUCH SR
I ate him.
DUMBLEDORE
Hardly a loss. Okay, everybody. As you all know-- Um, you DO all know, right? Everyone
got the memo?
Everyone
nods feverently.
DUMBLEDORE
Right, so, dragons. Fun stuff, fun stuff. Draw your
doom from the bag. Watch your fingers.
Fleur
"randomly" chooses the easiest dragon, and Harry gets stuck with the
hardest. Wow.
BARTY
CROUCH SR
Right, your
first task is to take care of these cute little things. You get points based on
their condition after one month.
DUMBLEDORE
Crouch, you
pansy! You champions have to snag an egg from your life-sized dragon. So at the
sound of the cannon--
EVERYONE
Cannon?
FILCH
Cannon! Wooooo! *fires the cannon*
We now
waste five minutes watching Harry act anxious. Then... another cannon blast!
FILCH
Woooooo!
Harry walks
into the arena. It's rocky.
HARRY
No
dragon... Guess they forgot to get it. Hey, there's the egg! I'll just go grab
it and then maybe enjoy being alive for a few more months. Easy
as pie.
Harry is immediately
attacked by the rock-colored Hungarian Horntail.
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Damn, he's
dense. We might be in trouble...
KARKAROFF
I really
need to brush my teeth.
HARRY
Maybe I
should summon my Firebolt sometime this year.
Harry's Firebolt finally arrives. The very instant the Horntail
decides to leave the arena, it DOES. Afterwards, when Dumbledore recovers from
the mild heart attack suffered thusly, he contacts his lawyer to sue the props
department.
HARRY
For my
first order of business, I will run the teachers over with a dragon.
He does.
HARRY
Second
order of business, I will run over several of the school's more important
towers with a dragon.
He does
this too.
Harry is
about to turn back toward the arena to give the Slytherin
section the what-for, when he is uncharacteristically knocked off his broom.
Some backwards good fortune saw to it that he landed on a roof and his Firebolt landed a few yards below. At this point the Horntail
decides to crawl toward Harry, rather than just fly up and eat him. Everyone
(particularly Filch, who will have to clean it up) cringes as the dragon
decimates the shingles. Harry gets his broom and flies rather crappily through some more expensive bits of the school.
DRAGON
Burninating
the countryside, Burninating all the people!
Harry's
broom catches fire and he falls to his doom. Or does he...? Nope, while in the
suspicious crevice, Harry uses dark magic to trade fates with the dragon. We
can't think of any other reason why the dragon couldn't get out.
Harry grabs
the golden Easter egg and Whoosh! CUT TO Gryffindor common
room, where everyone parties harder than a wet campus.
HARRY
I want you
all to sign this contract confirming that you seriously want me to open this
egg and that any resulting injuries are your own stupid faults.
EVERYONE
What's to
lose?
Harry tucks
the contract safely away then opens the egg. Over the next few days, the
entirety of Gryffindor House will be partially deaf. Seeing as there aren't any
classes this year, this is hardly a problem.
ENTER: Ron.
He's sulking behind his ridiculous hair again.
RON
I'm not
such a bad guy, really. Let's have things like they always used to be and
forget how unfaithful I always am. I'll pull some reasons out of my ass why you
shouldn't hate me.
HARRY
I forgive
you, but only because I'm the good guy.
CUT TO:
breakfast, maybe?
HERMIONE
Hey, it's
Rita Skeeter again. Wonder how she knows about me and
Krum?
RON
Harry, how
about that game last night?
HERMIONE
I said, I wonder how she knows about me
and Krum.
ENTER: the Patil twins, for a hit-and-run "hello" at Harry.
Harry whips
around to find out what just happened, but spots Demon Witch Cho giving him the look.
HARRY
Nnyaaaaaarrrggggg!
ENTER:
Nigel, whoever that is. Possibly a Creevy
wannabe.
NIGEL
Package for you, sir.
RON
Why, thank
you Nigel. You're dismissed.
HARRY and
HERMIONE
Nigel?
RON
Big fan of mine, I mean, Harry's.
HARRY
Super-duper.
RON
Hey
everyone, get a good look at these dress robes I'm going to be wearing.
Everyone
laughs. Ron is miserable.
HARRY
Can I eat
my breakfast now?
CUT TO: the
Rather Large Room, or rather, a close-up of a Rather Large Record Player IN the
Rather Large Room. It's possible that it is a different Rather Large Room all
together. Everyone 4th-year and up, McGonagall, and Filch for some reason, are
gathered.
MCGONAGALL
Haha, I
said frivolity. Now, I know you all already know that it's called the Yule Ball
and requires dress robes. So of course you realize that it's a dance.
They don't.
MCGONAGALL
That's what
"ball" means. Yule BALL. Don't act all surprised about it. Don't they
teach you anything in school?
HARRY
Not this
year. This is the "My life is in perpetual danger because we're doing things
other than classes" year rather than the "My life will eventually be
in danger around exams time" years I've previously been enjoying.
MCGONAGALL
Wouldn't I
make the perfect Maleficent? You know, if I had horns
and stuff. And a big stick.
RON
Yes, the
perfect picture of an evil black dragon.
MCGONAGALL
Right,
you're up first for that one, Weasly.
Everyone
laughs at Ron's misfortune.
MCGONAGALL
Okay
everyone else off your butts! Move your dead bones!
Neville
comes straight out of Shall We Dance, the very picture of a nerdy bachelor who
thinks ball room dancing will attract the ladies. And that's just so endearing.
RON
Are you
sure he's straight?
HARRY
Ron! What a
thing to say!
CUT TO:
another courtyard. Harry wanders around showing off that creepy smile of his to
the ladies.
HARRY
Yeah, you
can tell those Beauxbatons girls really dig me.
CUT TO: the
creepy Hagrid/Maxime romance scene.
MAXIME
It's not
like Skeeter's around to hear me spill any beans, so
why bother?
CUT TO:
another lake shore. Harry, Ron, and Hermione observe Krum running away from a
very obvious group of girls. He looks rather worried. He takes some time to
scowl at Hermione and she scowls back. It's probably a British Wizard thing.
CUT TO:
study hall, although it's unclear what they're studying for.
RON
We are so
pathetic.
SNAPE
Don't I
know it. *shove!* Ron, your hair... it's gross.
HARRY
Don't lump
me in with you.
HERMIONE
Even
Neville got a date. Though with those dance moves it's no
wonder. Tee hee.
FRED or GEORGE
I'm too hip
to be caught whispering in Study Hall. I pass notes and do comedic pantomime.
RON
Time to be insensitive toward Hermione again. Just like the good old days.
SNAPE
*Triple
whack!*
HERMIONE
What the
hell am I doing in Study Hall? *leaves*
Harry and
Ron make plans to trap girls into going with them to the ball.
SNAPE
*Double
shove!* Ew, don't you guys
ever wash your hair?
HARRY
Nope, just the prefects.
CUT TO: the
exterior of the Owlry. Harry dashes up the stairs but
runs into Demon Witch Cho at the top.
HARRY
AAAUUUUUUUUUGG!
Harry falls
back down the stairs.
CUT TO: Gryffindor
common room. Harry's sleeping with his egg.
ENTER: Ron
and a bunch of girls.
RON
My goal in
life is to make myself as miserable as possible.
In sweep
the Patil twins for another hit-and-run
"hello" at Harry. Harry runs after them to discern what Padma thinks she's doing in Gryffindor.
CUT TO: Ron
trying on his dress robes. He's miserable. AGAIN.
ENTER:
Harry, in a tux. It's not even green.
CUT TO: the
entrance hall of Hogwarts. Ron and Harry find the Patil
twins dressed exactly the same. At the sight of them, the Patil
twins start to argue over who gets stuck with Ron. Ron is almost dead from
misery.
ENTER: McGonagall.
MCGONAGALL
Guess what,
Harry? You get to dance in front of everyone. How lucky for you.
HARRY
Such a very good year. I hope no one tries to kill me while I'm in the open...
Very sad
music plays, so we almost notice Cho with Cedric in
the brief moment the camera is on them. Then the music gets downright tragic
when Hermione enters the scene.
CUT TO: the
Yule Ball room. Harry dances with a Patil but looks
like he's trying to do it with a camel. Cedric dances with Cho,
Herminoe dances with Krum, Fleur dances with some
random guy, Dumbledore dances with McGonagal, Filch
dances with Mrs. Norris, and Ginny dances with Neville. Is that all? Everyone important. Barty Crouch Jr is wearing shorts for the occasion, and takes a lonely
swig from his flask. He only gets up once, to throw a piece of cake at Neville,
which fails to hit him as he glides gracefully through the room.
CUT TO: a mosh pit. Harry and Ron sit around like idiots. Harry
prescribes to Ron's brand of misery.
HARRY
I'm sorry, did you just say pumpkin head?
RON
Funny, eh?
HARRY and
RON
Hahahaha.
Krum leaves
Hermione so that he doesn't have to engage in conversation.
HERMIONE
I'm
flaunting my success at you guys.
RON
Misery misery misery! There's a bad side
to everything. Glass is half empty!
HERMIONE
Oh, you've
gone and ruined everything for me, though I'm not sure why I'm letting you get
to me all of a sudden.
CUT TO:
Harry having a slightly different dream from the one he might have had before.
This time he gets a face full of fancy tombstone.
HARRY
Boy, that's
how I want to be buried.
ENTER:
Neville.
NEVILLE
Things are
finally looking up for Neville! Good thing I'm not the chosen one or things
could go downhill for me at any moment!
HARRY
*cries*
CUT TO:
another bridge over another crevice. Seeing as almost all the classes are held
inside the castle, it cannot be determined why everyone spends so much time
with bridges. Maybe structural instability is attractive to wizards.
HERMIONE
I can't
stop yelling at people and spitting on them at the same time.
HARRY
I'm waiting
for Cedric to pay me back.
ENTER:
Cedric.
HARRY
Speak of
the devil. Good thing that doesn't work with Voldemort.
Elsewhere,
Voldemort makes a cute little sneeze.
WORMTAIL
Gesundheit.
Back at Hogwarts.
CEDRIC
Have a
bath.
HARRY
*thinking*
He's had a few too many blows to the head...
CUT TO: the
prefect's bath. If Nozzle 1 can fill the bath in 32hrs, Nozzle 2 can fill it in
24.2hrs, Nozzle 3 can fill it in 19hrs... and Nozzle 46 can fill it at a rate
proportional to how much the bath has already been filled, how long does it
take to fill the bath if only every other prime number nozzle is turned on?
STAINED
GLASS MERMAID
I'm not a
very accurate representation.
HARRY
Oh yeah,
I'm such a hunk. It's a wonder I wasn't smothered with ladies at the Yule Ball.
MYRTLE
Unisex
bathroom! How lucky!
HARRY
OMFG,
Myrtle! I'm trying to get clean!
MYRTLE
Stick the
egg under the water, and... oh yeah, Polyjuice Potion.
HARRY
Polyjuice
Potion?
MYRTLE
Polyjuice
Potion.
HARRY
Hmmm,
Polyjuice Potion...
Under the
water the egg stops screaming bloody murder and becomes heavenly singing.
HARRY
Ah, of
course. Mermaids in the lake. Because I totally paid
attention in Care of Magical Creatures class and thus know all about what's in
the lake.
MYRTLE
I can't
have real sex so I'll take it out on Harry by creeping him out severely.
CUT TO: the
library. Hermione wastes Harry's precious time, so Barty
Crouch Jr chases her off.
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Neville!
NEVILLE
Don't eat
me!
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Time to make yourself useful. Inadvertently give Harry what he needs.
NEVILLE
Hey, want
some Gillyweed? It just so happens I stole some this
morning.
CUT TO: the
second task. Neville admits that magic is not a perfect science and Harry snaps
at him.
On the
platforms, Fleur is the only one wearing a swimsuit. Harry eats the Gillyweed before the cannon blasts and is thus disqualified.
However, Cedric jumps under the water before doing his Bubble-head charm so we
guess this isn't the time for being technical. Filch fires the cannon.
FILCH
This is the
best job ever.
Harry is
too busy choking to death to do anything else, so Barty
Crouch Jr gives him a friendly shove into the water.
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Nothing like putting Harry Potter in tons of life-threatening situations
to ensure a successful kidnapping.
NEVILLE
Oh my god,
I killed Harry Potter!
BARTY
CROUCH JR
You
bastard!
HARRY
Why isn't Gillyweed more popular?
Harry
decides to romp through some suspicious seaweed and gets ambushed. No, wait,
that was in the book... Harry finally reaches the mermaid city, where the choir
has gotten sick of singing the same four lines repeatedly and has pulled out
their barbershop selections.
HARRY
Right, if I
grab everyone else’s precious people, they won't be able to finish the task! Haha!
Cedric and
Krum arrive just in time to stop Harry from sabotage, but Fleur, being a girl,
doesn't manage to show up anyway.
After
another near-death experience Harry makes it to the surface using a spell that
probably would have been useful earlier.
Everyone immediately throws many small towels at him.
FLEUR
Here's my
only line for the movie.
DUMBLEDORE
Everyone
shut up and listen! I suckered the other judges into awarding the Hogwarts
champions first and second place, because I'm a bully. Hooray!
EVERYONE
FROM HOGWARTS
Hooray!
Everyone
waits to take the one 4-person boat back to shore, because there is NO
APPARATING inside Hogwarts grounds, you silly people, and they had to cut the
budget on boats to build the first task's stadium.
As Barty Crouch Sr exerts his existence
on Harry, Barty Crouch Jr
hides in the shadows, not suspicious at all...
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Poly- Poly- Polyjuice Potion. It's so poly and so juicy and so--
Hey! My dad! I should kill him for some reason,
possibly blow my cover while I'm at it.
CUT TO: possibly
the
HARRY
WTF?! A
dead person! Hey, are you okay?
CORPSE
........
CUT TO:
Dumbledore's office.
DUMBLEDORE
I'm
spitting mad about something!
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Muahahaha!
Oh, the irony. The murderer is standing right in front of Dumbledore. In his
office! Oh, and here's Harry, who adores me, hahaha!
DUMBLEDORE
Oh, hello,
Harry. I'm just going to leave you alone in here. Touch nothing but the Pensieve!
Dumbledore,
Barty Crouch, and Some Guy leave. Harry goes
immediately for some Liquorice Snaps.
HARRY
Agg! Ow, oh god! That was my eye.
Ahhhh! They're eating me!
Harry jumps
into the Pensieve to get away from the Cuccos, I mean
Liquorice Snaps. Cue slap-stick jokes!
HARRY
Ahhhhhhhhh!
Oof! *rolls down a few benches to land next to
Dumbledore* Hey, pretty birdies. Why is this room so tall?
A hand
pokes through Harry. Harry is SHOCKED.
In the
middle of the room is a fancy contraption in which sits Karkaroff.
KARKAROFF
Don't lean
back, don't stand up, and for the love of god don't sneeze.
BARTY
CROUCH SR
Check out
my hat. It's the best hat ever. It has a hot plate on top. I'm making eggs.
KARKAROFF
Don't kill meeeee!
HARRY
Snape's a
Death Eater?! I knew it!
DUMBLEDORE
Well, damn,
that cat's out of the bag now.
KARKAROFF
Guess who
else! Barty Crouch!
AUDIENCE
*GASP!*
KARKAROFF
Junior! Haha! You thought I meant Senior, didn't you! Didn't you!
Barty
Crouch Jr makes a belated attempt to get away. A mob
of hands drags him in front of Barty Crouch Sr.
BARTY
CROUCH SR
What the
hell is wrong with your tongue?
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Nervous tic.
BARTY
CROUCH SR
Nervous
tics are against the law! Life in Azkaban for you!
At this
point the Pensieve regurgitates Harry.
HARRY
Ugh!
Covered in sewer water! Again!
DUMBLEDORE
I see
you've meant my infectious glowing slug collection.
HARRY
Ahhh! What
are you doing hiding in a corner?
DUMBLEDORE
Hello! I'm
insane! Totally insane! Haha!
HARRY
Let's see
now: Barty Crouch Jr isn't
dead, he's been plotting with Voldemort, and Polyjuice Potion. Hmmm.
CUT TO:
some hallway at Hogwarts. It's really dark. AGAIN.
A door
opens across from Harry to reveal Snape, Karkaroff, and Karkaroff's Dark
Mark in a rather small closet.
HARRY
Wow. This
is awkward, heh heh. Two
"ex-" Death Eaters doing something Death Eater related, and me, Harry
Potter. Uh, anyone want a liquorice snap?
SNAPE
Shove off,
Harry.
Karkaroff
runs off.
SNAPE
No, wait.
Don't go. I'm lonely. Harry, it turns out there are things I have to yell at
you about. Firstly, observe this memorably-shaped vial of Veritaserum.
It'll explain Barty Crouch Jr's
sudden apparent chicken-liveredness later. But it
won't explain what he's doing out of Azkaban... Oh yeah, and Polyjuice Potion.
HARRY
Dude, I get
it already.
CUT TO: the
third task! Wow that was sudden. It turns out Hogwarts has a wizard chorus AND a
wizard band (which is exactly like a Muggle band,
only with wizards). The Beauxbatons girls shock everybody by doing the Macarena.
They actually do it.
DUMBLEDORE
For the
last time, SHUT UP! What's a guy have to do to get a little respect around
here? Right, so, this--
CROWD
WOOOOOOO! Yay!
DUMBLEDORE
is--
CROWD
WOOOOOOO! Yay!
DUMBLEDORE
the--
CROWD
WOOOOOOO! Yay!
DUBLEDORE
third--
CROWD
WOOOOOOO! Yay!
DUMBLEDORE
STFU! *they
do* Dammit, people. So... as I was
saying. Third task. Cup.
Other tasks kinda irrelevant.
Doom awaits, blah blah blah. Oh, and due to more budget cuts to fix the dangerous
dragon-infested-ravine-spanning bridges Harry broke, we can't afford any
sphinxes or anything. But we've got something better! Man-eating bushes! Yeah!
Alright!
PERSON IN
CROWD
Boo!
DUMBLEDORE
Once again,
at the sound of the cannon--
Filch fires
the cannon.
DUMBLEDORE
Damnit,
Filch! This is the last time you get to be Cannonmaster!
FILCH
NOOOOOOOOOOO!
HARRY
I'm just
going to take my time. It's not like this is a race or anything. Damn, these
are some scary bushes.
CEDRIC
I
understand the concept of "race". Whoa! Almost eaten
there. Who'd rather see me evade a Blast-ended Skrewt?
Not me!
KRUM
The Imperius Curse is overly obvious. Grrr,
I'm eeeevil.
HARRY
Still strolling. I might get somewhere by tomorrow.
FLEUR
I'm stuck
in a slasher movie! Now I'm going to trip on a twig
or something and be killed! If only I weren't a stereotype!
HARRY
I think
I'll hide inside this man-eating bush. Yeah, great idea.
KRUM
Can you not
see my eyes?! Oh wait, I already said my one line for the movie. I mean, Grrrr.
HARRY
Hey look,
Cedric, the Cup!
TRIWIZARD
CUP
Tip me, I
pour coffee!
CEDRIC
Less camaraderie, more ridiculous running!
TRIWIZARD
CUP
Someone love me.
Cedric
trips on a twig and starts getting eaten.
HARRY
Well, it
can't be too bad. Fleur and Krum got eaten already and they're both okay. But
because he's screaming beseechingly at me... *Harry rescues Cedric*
CEDRIC
Thanks!
HARRY
Isn't this
ironic? I save you only to bring you to your doom.
CUT TO:
graveyard. It's dark, and gloomy. AGAIN.
HARRY
Hahaha!
It's Voldemort's grave! Get it?
CEDRIC
No, I'm
afraid I don't...
HARRY
Hmmm, this
is much more obviously a trap than in the book; we could actually escape.
Cedric, if you want to live, you should get back to the Cup.
CEDRIC
What was
that, Harry? Something about "Get closer to that ominous cauldron?"
HARRY
I'd insult
you but I'm in too much pain.
CEDRIC
What? You
think I should say hello to the locals?
Cedric gets
dead.
Harry is
dragged telepathically over to the gravestone.
HARRY
It's not
like I can't escape this. It's holding me by my neck to the front, I could
totally slip out. But I'm here for the show.
WORMTAIL
*mumbles*
HARRY
What? Some
sort of spell? I'm not entirely sure those are the right words.
Wormtail
cuts off his hand.
WORMTAIL
OW.
HARRY
Ahhaha. "Some would give their right
hand for the chance," I get it.
The
cauldron catches fire. It turns into a palantir, then
a pterodactyl, then Voldemort.
HARRY
Good thing
that cauldron turned into a cloak, too... I mean, Oh friggin
god, the pain!
VOLDEMORT
... Oh my
god, I'm bald! NOOOOOOOO!
He summons
the Death Eaters. They fall out of the sky.
LUSCIOUS
Wtf? I was in the bathroom and then all
of a sudde-- Ooooooh dear.
I mean Yay! How wonderful!
HARRY
Those masks
don't look half as stupid as I thought they would.
VOLDEMORT
Roll call!
Harry, are you taking notes?
HARRY
Well, I
would, but...
Voldemort
twirls off to have a whispering contest with Luscious. Luscious tries hard not
to whack Voldemort with his stick.
HARRY
OI! What're
you being so quiet for?! I've been screaming my lungs off and nothing's
happened yet!
WORMTAIL
I...
have... the power!
Voldemort
trips on Cedric's face.
CEDRIC
Shit! Wash
your feet once in a millennia, Fiennes!
HARRY
Hey! I
exist!
VOLDEMORT
I said
"love", can you believe it? I really did.
Voldemort
wanders around for a while. He peters off into something about one day there
was a lovely picnic on the beach and then he stomped on their sand castle. A
Death Eater coughs nervously, and Voldemort finally brings his attention to
Harry.
VOLDEMORT
I can...
TOUCH you now.
He does.
HARRY
Agggg, no
don't it tickles! AHHHHhahaha, stop iiiit.
VOLDEMORT
Bllllarrrrrrrrrrrnnnngaaahhh!
WORMTAIL
Master, are
you sure you're okay? You sound like you're in agony...
VOLDEMORT
-aaahhhhoookay! Enough of that.
Harry, get out from under that silly tombstone and... let's
duel!
Harry
squirms out of Death's grasp and starts patting his pockets.
HARRY
Sorry, I
seem to have left my deck in my other pants. Or maybe those bushes got 'em. Shame, it was a good deck.
VOLDEMORT
Damnit,
kids these days. Well, let's just have it out with wands. Oh, and let's squeeze
in some quotes from the book, but quickly, we're running short on time.
HARRY
The doctors says my spine's just not up to bowing.
Harry
flees.
VOLDEMORT
Hey! I
demand that you get back here! I refuse to come after you!
HARRY
It's not
polite to point!
VOLDEMORT
It's not
polite to- I'm gonna kill you,
now face it like an idiot!
HARRY
Have it
your way.
VOLDEMORT
Very well... NO PICKLES!
HARRY
NOOOOOOO!
Voldemort
and Harry pull a Prior Incantato. Maybe-Frank Bryce shows up, because if he
didn't there would be hell to pay. The other ghosts get their lines in. Harry
now has everything he needs to become the Most Angsty
Teen Ever. Being unusually speedy for once, Harry escapes.
VOLDEMORT
I have
failed to kill Potter again, and I'm
still bald! NOOOOOOOO!
Annnnd,
CUT TO: the third task winner's circle, for some reason. It is overly jovial.
HARRY
Okay, let's
get with the angst!
SNAPE
There there, Dumbledore. *pats*
DUMBLEDORE
There's
really nothing funny about this part.
BARTY
CROUCH JR
I'll liven it up! Hey, look at the ridiculous way I'm dragging
Harry off! I'm totally disregarding all the horrible injuries he probably
sustained.
HARRY
Damn,
you're tougher than Tom Riddle's tombstone!
Harry gets
dragged into Moody's office. Barty Crouch ominously
locks the door. Who hasn't figured it out yet? Who wants to wear the Dunce
cap?!
BARTY
CROUCH JR
So, what happened?
HARRY
Oh, I
wasn't able to take notes, so Voldemort gave me a PowerPoint. Let's see:
"It was really really scary--"
Barty
Crouch Jr starts having Polyjuice Potion-related
problems.
HARRY
Hey, you
asked what happened, so you could at least listen to my horrific retelling.
BARTY
CROUCH JR
I am a bad
planner. Now let me spell out to anyone who hasn't read the book (you freaks)
most of what's been going on. Only I'll do it in a hoarse whisper, so listen
really carefully.
HARRY
Somehow I
think the last thing Voldemort wants right now is one of his followers showing
him up by killing me.
DUMBLEDORE
Here I come
to save the daaaay!
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Wow, in all
this time you only JUST realized I'm not Moody? Dunce cap for you!
DUMBLEDORE
I've had a
feeling that something was missing, and I finally realized what it was: you've
not once said CONSTANT VIGILANCE!
BARTY
CROUCH JR
Hey, you're
right! Silly me!
Dumbledore
opens the suspicious box. It's from
DUBLEDORE
How's it goin' down there!
MOODY
A little drafty.
EVERYONE
.....
Barty
Crouch Jr becomes Barty
Crouch Jr! Whoa!
BARTY
CROUCH JR
I'll show
you mine if you show me yours.
HARRY
What the
hell does that mean?
Dumbledore
immediately grabs Harry's arm and twists. This reveals a rather deep gash.
DUMBLEDORE
Hmmm, yes,
very interesting...
HARRY
Um, I've
been losing blood steadily since the graveyard. Could you not yank me around
like that? Or maybe get some first aid?
Dumbledore
runs away.
SNAPE
And WHY did
I just waste all that Veritaserum? *pokes Barty Crouch Jr* I'm as bad as Luscious.
HARRY
I'll just
stand here.
CUT TO: the
Grand Hall for a speech that takes up time that would otherwise have been allotted
to Sirius showing up, or maybe some arguing with
Fudge.
CUT TO: a
stupid anecdote about curtains that takes up more precious time.
DUMBLEDORE
Did I ever
tell you how hip I was when I was young?
CUT TO: a
really crowded courtyard. Harry pulls another Frodo.
HARRY
Oh, Sam.
I've become too introspective and sad for my own good. I'm alone in a crowded
courtyard. So, off to the Grey Havens with me!
This is
better than that last ending, at least.
THE END!