Chapter 28 --- The Bonus
Tracks!
Some Favorite Things? Sung by Tydus
Syrup on waffles
And gameday with blitzballs.
Chopping up badguys
And bricking the mortals.
Dating with Yuna and then having sex.
These are a few of the things I like best.
Hey there’s Seymour,
He’s a mutant,
And he’s looking mad.
I’ll just show him a few of my strongest attacks
And then he might be, real dead!
***
And now, for an all-out musical bonanza!
The FF Rhapsody
Stage is dark. Chorus
on bleachers in background and a person in center stage barely visible.
Chorus:
Is this the real life? Is this just Fantasy?
Caught in a landslide, No escape from reality.
Open your eyes, look up to the sky and see.
Spotlight on center
stage, revealing Tydus.
Tydus:
I’m just a blitzer, I am no crybaby.
Backlights fade on,
illuminating chorus.
Chorus:
Because I’m easy come, easy go,
Little high, little slow.
Tydus:
Anywhere Kimahri goes
Doesn’t really matter to me, to me.
Kimahri seen wandering
around in the chorus bleachers.
Tydus paces slowly
around in the foreground, pantomiming the violent parts.
Yuna, just killed my old man.
Put my sword against his head,
Cleaved it in two, now he’s dead.
Yuna, the dreamers are done,
Hate to leave you all now and face the truth. Makes
wretched face; that’s required for singing like this.
Yuna, oo-oo-ooo,
Didn’t mean to make you cry.
If I’m not back again this time tomorrow
Look for me, look for me, in Final Fantasy X-2.
A silhouette appears
on the backdrop. Tydus tries to hide in open space.
I see a little silluetto of a man.
Seymour pops up, doing
his best Dracula impersonation. He was paid $20 for this.
Chorus:
It’s
Thunder Plains with lightning, very very
annoying. Seymour gets struck by lightning, falls out of sight. He wasn’t paid for this, it was a surprise. Muahahaha.
Lulu: enters stage right (calling)
Maester Mika!
Wakka: enters stage left (more like moaning with sadness)
Maester Mika!
Lulu: looking questioningly
at Wakka
Maester Mika!
Wakka: (full-out sobbing now)
Maester Mika!
Chorus & Tydus:
Maester Mika is a wuss.
Yuna and Wakka exit.
Tydus:
I’m just a blitzer, everyone loves me.
Chorus:
He’s just a blitzer, just like his daddy!
Clearly the apple falls close to the tree!
Tydus fumes at chorus.
Tydus:
Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?
Chorus2:
Fayths awake! No, we will not let you go!
Chorus1:
Let him go!
Chorus2:
ETCETERA!
Tydus:
Mama mia, holy jeebus, I can’t keep rhyming, let me go!
Chorus:
The Farplanes has a condo set aside for me, for meee, for meeeeeeee!
Cue guitar solo,
everyone on stage commences with the head banging. Laser lights everywhere.
Just go nuts.
Tydus: (really going nuts on his air guitar)
So you think you can summon me and leave me to die?
So you think you can love me and leave me to die?
Oh, baby. Can’t do this to me, baby.
Just gotta jump off, just gotta jump right off this ship.
Lights on chorus dim
again. Just the spotlight on Tydus.
Tydus:
Nothing really matters. Anyone can see.
Nothing really matters, to meeeee.
Spotlight dims. Stage
is once again dark. Tydus trips over a
stray cord while trying to exit the stage stealthily.
These parodies are so obviously copyrighted. Sound of Music and Bohemian Rhapsody. I don’t actually play the tunes so I don’t think I have to say this. Maybe I should read the long and detailed list of copyright laws someday…