translations at the bottom, ‘cuz
I’m so nice ^^
-----------------------------------------------
Chapter 17
--- Kill Seymour, Volume 1
As they walked the scenery gradually changed from a forest to that of a small
section of
When they were finally out of the trees they saw a huge frozen lake.
“That lake actually holds up most of Macalania,” Lulu
explained, “The temple is underneath the surface.”
“How can it be under the ice?” asked Tydus.
“It’s hollow.”
“I see… Well, no, I don’t. How can you have a hollow lake?
The surface needs something to have supported it before it froze. Did
someone take out the inside?”
“Actually, someone did. Or rather, someones.
It started with this one guy, but of course it takes many lifetimes to hollow
out a lake. About 15 generations.”
“But why?”
“They were in the ice business. Cut out ice for free and sold it to
people in the perpetual summer climates.”
“Giant monsters blowing up cities, a language made by switching letters, fiends
who can’t hit petrified people, and a lake carved out by businessmen?!” Tydus ranted, “Spira is the
stupidest place in the universe! I can’t believe this is still the same
world I grew up in!”
“Well,” said Yuna apologetically, “it has been
one thousand years.”
“I hope you’re not gonna cry about it,” said Auron.
Tydus kicked a soda can in anger. It flew over
a tall mound of snow and out of sight. “Ow!”
said someone, “What’s this? Hey, don’t litter!”
The person stepped out from behind the mound. Tydus
smiled. “Clasko!”
“Oh, hey Tydus.” Clasko also smiled and a chocobo
came out behind him.
“How go the chocobos?”
“I sent off the Chocobo Knight chocobos to a secret chocobo
reserve, and now I am traveling around saving the others of that majestic
yellow species from the oppression of the people of Spira.”
“That’s great! Who’s this one?”
“His name’s Phil.”
“Ah, um, what a good name…”
“Well, I named him after his former owner, whom he ate.”
“Spiffy.”
“I think we’ll be leaving now,” Yuna said quickly,
and pulled Tydus away with the rest of the group
following.
“Goodbye, then!” Tydus called, waving
enthusiastically.
A few minutes later they saw a person ahead on the trail. By the way he
stood he was either a Guado or a monkeyman.
“I hope it’s a monkeyman,” thought Tydus. But it wasn’t. Worse, it was Tromell.
“Ho, there!” called the old geezer.
“What do you want now?” Tydus asked
impatiently. He was ready to throw a brick and run.
“Oh, nothing much,” said Tromell with a grin, “Just
to escort Lady Yuna to the temple for her wedding
with Lord Seymour, don’t want to be late, you know.”
“What are you talking about?” Yuna demanded, “When
Seymour asked me to marry him I answered with a firm and unchanging “no.”
There is no wedding for me to be late to!”
“Not according to the rest of Spira.” Tromell’s grin was getting annoyingly big.
“And why does the rest of Spira think I am
marrying
“We, ah, told them so.”
“You rotten Guados and your
conniving!” She turned her head to Lulu. “Apparently, we didn’t get
away fast enough to avoid
“Let’s try again, then!” said Tydus, and he let loose
his brick. “Run away!”
“Well, it’s a plan,” said Wakka, and they headed
after Tydus. They were on a part of the path
that crossed directly over the frozen lake when they heard a strange buzzing
noise that was quickly getting louder.
“A lawn mower?” Tydus
wondered where the grass was when three riding lawn mowers crested the dunes of
snow around the ice at breakneck speeds unheard of by anyone in the business of
mowing lawns. Piloting them were five Al Bhed, and some of them looked slightly familiar to Tydus. They came to a stop on higher ground and a
monster machina rolled up to join them.
“Uh-huh.” Tydus was feeling less perky.
“Ah-ha-ha-ha,” said the lead Al Bhed, “Da dyll tael
iuo busl bymslyhi! Lsyz nuvlpegli-ruuxi dyhh
vamela ehh bemyn evr zobbuvyvmz,
lsoz yl iz
nehhar lsa Vamelup!”
“Zu, lsel’s
lsa Vamelup?” Tydus asked, looking at his guide and pointing at the
Crawler. “Lsa moyra zeiz yl
yz lsa Npedhap.”
“Dyhh, yl yz, tol,” the Al Bhed pushed a button and a cute little floating machine popped
out of a hatch and buzzed around overhead, “lsel’z
lsa Vamelup. Lsa Npedhap yz wozl
evulsap bensyve, vulsym zganyeh.” The
Crawler drooped a bit at that.
“Oh…”
“Brother!” shouted Rikku, “Y’v
lahhyvm rer iuo ellenqar ba!”
“Rikku?!” the lead Al Bhed,
who’s name was actually Brother, said, “Dsel epa iuo ruyvm
dyls lsab?”
“Y,” she paused, stood proudly and puffed out her chest, “Eb
e moepryev.”
“Lsel e jenl?”
“Yl yz yvraar.”
“Dahh lsel’z
iuop jeohl. Npedhap, jypa edei!”
“Wapq!”
“Sooo,” said Yuna as the
Crawler’s motors moved more vigorously, “What’s going on?”
“You don’t know Al Bhed?” Rikku
asked, amazed, “Tydus even knows Al Bhed!”
“Never felt like it,” Yuna said defensively.
“Well, my brother is going to attack us with that Crawler, but that’s not
important,” (Crawler drooped even more), “What’s important is that the Negator there will prevent the use of magic and aeons. But it has some pitifully low HP. Wakka could get it with one hit, and speaking of which…”
“I will pretend that the last five minutes did not happen,” said Wakka, “At least for a little while.”
“Great, thanks. So how about bonking that Negator
for us?”
Once the Negator was gone the group waged an all-out
battle on the oversized machine with low self esteem. It had a mental
break-down and fell to pieces. The Al Bhed gave
a few indignant huffs and ran off.
“Yuna!” Tromell
called, coming out from his hiding place now that it was safe. They could
see a large bump forming on his head. “Let me take you to Lord Seymour!”
“Do you know how to work one of these, Tydus?” Rikku asked, “I’ve never been taught.”
“Ha! Are you kidding? Grass doesn’t exist in Zanarkand!”
“Oh…”
“Run away from Tromell!” yelled Tydus,
throwing another brick. The group ran like lightning from the old Guado, who chased them all the way to the temple at the
speed of a turtle.
An hour or so later…
“Run away from the Guado Guardians!” The group
ran like thunder (they were getting tired and couldn’t quite make
lightning-speed), chased by many pissed off Guado Guardians.
An hour or so before…
Tydus stopped to gape at the temple. “Ooo, underground temple.”
“Underwater,” Yuna corrected.
“Underice.” Rikku this time.
“Yeah…” Tydus stopped walking. “Maybe we
should come back later.”
“What for?”
“Well, we’re going to Macalania temple, and
“Oh, I see your point.” Yuna furrowed her
brow. “We’ll go anyway. I want that aeon
so we can progress in this pilgrimage.”
“Fine.”
And now they were inside, with
“
“Hey,” said Tydus, “Maybe we should follow?”
“I remember those five minutes now,” Wakka said
stonily.
“Okay, Wakka,” said Tydus
solemnly, “I will tell you the truth. Everyone you know and love is Al Bhed.”
“What?!”
“Tydus was just joking,” said Lulu. Tydus smiled and wandered off. “Only about half the
people you know and love are Al Bhed.”
“Oh, much better.” Wakka’s
face fell.
“You’re just going to have to deal with it, like you have for years, I might
point out.”
“Yeah, well, um… er… Oh, poo.
I can’t very well up and leave all my lying and deceiving friends. I
guess I’ll just have to ignore it and stay.”
“Good man. So you’re in it ‘till the end.”
“Well, I hope you’re ready,” Tydus called from the
stair to the Cloister, holding his guide, “because we’re about to become
traitorous enemies of the unholy Yevon!”
“Wha—“ said everyone except Kimahri,
but at that moment there was a scream from one of the temple’s chambers and Shelinda came running out screaming “It’s proof of the
corruption of our poorly constructed government and the evilness of Guados!”
“Wha—“
“I don’t know, just watch it!” Shelinda tossed
the sphere that had been chucked at Yuna back at the Farplane. It landed on the ground in front of the
group and instantly started playing its recording of Maester
Jyscal.
“If you are a Guado, turn this off now, you’re all a
bunch of evil jerks and I don’t trust you. If this is a “good guy” (as
defined by the booklet that came with the game) then I have something important
to tell you. My son, Seymour, killed me. He is an evil freak who
plans evil plans and likes broccoli. BROCCOLI! I ask you! So,
now you know. Please kill that murdering bastard I once called my son.”
“… Woohoo! An excellent
excuse to kill
“The world is out to get me, I swear,” said Wakka,
shaking his head sadly, but he went with the rest of the group into the
Cloister. Inside was a hallway of ice, and beyond that was the chamber
that is usually at the end of the Trials.
“Wait, where were the Trials?” Tydus asked, looking
around.
“Oh, hello there,” said
She was out immediately as he said it. She saw her guardians there and
smiled. “Woo! No more talking, fight now!”
“But… but, Yuna! I love you!” Seymour
whined. “I love you so much that I’d kill you and all your friends, ‘cuz that’s what bad guys do!”
“Well, we’re gonna kill you, ‘cuz
that’s what good guys do!” Tydus yelled back.
“I’ve wanted to do this ever since I knew you existed!” And with that he
gave a massive flip of his hair. Seymour fell back a few feet.
“Pfft, weak,” said Auron.
He ripped off his current bunny ears and within those few cute-less seconds he
threw his nastiest look at Seymour, who cried out and completely fell over.
“What odd ways of fighting you all have,” he said, struggling to his feet, but
before he could he was hit by Feral Butterflies from Kimahri.
“Aiiiee! Butterflies?! You guys are too cruel! When do I
get a turn?”
“Never!” Tydus said evilly,
“Hastega! And Slow on you!”
“Nnnooooooo!” Seymour said
in slow motion.
“That’s kinda creepy,” said Wakka,
“I can’t believe I’m doing this, but –“ he chucked his
blitzball. 726 showed above Seymour. “I’m
so sorry Maester, please forgive me!”
“Put your heart into it, Wakka!”
“Multiple Blizzaga!” Seymour
shouted, and took 500 HP out of everyone.
“That’s ch-cheating!” stampered
Tydus very cold-like.
“Bio!” cried Lulu.
“Haha, you’re drunk!”
“Tydus, shut up!”
“Sorry, I’m just so happy!”
“I feel loved,”
“Blarg!” said Anima.
“Kill those dudes!”
“Blarg,” Anima concented.
He turned to the group. “Blarg!”
Anima used Pain.
“Owie!” said the group (but not, for the fiftieth
time, Kimahri).
“Summon something, Yuna!” said Rikku.
“How about the new aeon, whose name will not
be altered,” she added, looking pointedly at Tydus,
who smirked. So she summoned Shiva and immediately regretted it.
“What a perverted faith,” she thought.
“Wow,” said the men in the room. Shiva was blue and butt-naked except for
a tiny loincloth. Her hair was big and nappy. “Erm…”
“Well, anyway,” said Yuna, “Attack that aeon that is twenty times as big and horrifying as you!”
Shiva fretted, but Anima’s overdrive was long and slow, whereas her’s was filled in two turns. Anima died
quickly. “Well, I hope that when I get Anima myself, be puts up more of a
fight against others…”
“Of course!” said Tydus, looking at his guide, “It’s
a pattern! Bad guys have high HP and horrible attacks when compared to a
good guy’s lower HP and kick-ass attacks.”
Meanwhile, Seymour died of poison. “Gak!” he
said, and was no more. At least, for a little while…
“How degrading.” Yuna
shook her head in mock sadness.
“Maybe you should send him before someone or something prevents us,” Auron suggested.
“Why would anyone do that?”
“Too late!” said Tromell from the entrance. He
was followed by other Guados who grabbed
“You let me send Maester Jyscal!
Why not that loon?!”
“We have favorites!” came the reply.
“I don’t like him, either,” said Tydus, “Let’s dig up
some dirt on him so we can kill him, too.”
“I think Tydus learned the wrong lesson,” Auron remarked.
“There was a lesson?” Yuna asked.
“Yes.” It was Wakka, sounding miserable, “Don’t
kill Maesters!” He sobbed loudly into his
hands.
“Man, you are sad.” Tydus shook his head.
“Let’s get out of here before the Guados retaliate,”
said Lulu.
“Pfft! They’re just Guados.”
Suddenly, a pair of Guado Guardians popped out of the
back room.
“What were they doing in there?”
“Run, stupid!” Auron grabbed him.
They burst out of the temple, Tydus yelling “Run away
from the Guado Guardians!” In the middle of the
ice bridge Tydus lost his footing. He yelped
and grabbed hold of Rikku to keep from falling to his
doom, but she fell with him and grabbed Yuna, who
grabbed Wakka, who grabbed Lulu, who grabbed Auron, who grabbed Kimahri, who
was certainly not capable of holding up the rest of the team and fell with the
rest to the bottom of the lake.
Most of them dived into shallow water, but Yuna was
lucky enough to do a belly flop onto a rock. They were in much
pain. When Tydus’s head got everything in order
again he noticed that they had company.
“Hello, how’d you get in here,” he said, puzzled. Of course, with Sin, it
did not take long for Tydus to get very pissed.
“Old man, you suck!”
“Tydus, stop yelling,” Auron
grunted, “I’ve got a hangover.”
“Auron, I sobered up for you, and now you’re
the drunk!” rumbled Sin, “For shame!”
“But you wouldn’t sober up for me, would you, old man!”
“I’m not that old, you know. Maybe a little time out will straighten you
out.”
“What?!” But then the world blacked out.
------------------------------------------
The mysteries
of the dialogue revealed!
Da dyll tael iuo busl bymslyhi!
= We will beat you most mightily
Lsyz nuvlpegli-ruuxi dyhh
vamela ehh bemyn evr zobbuvyvmz,
lsoz yl iz
nehhar lsa Vamelup! = This contrapty-doozy will negate all magic and summoning, thus
it is called the Negator!
Zu, lsel’s
lsa Vamelup? = So, this’s the Negator?
Lsa moyra zeiz yl yz lsa
Npedhap = the
guide says it is the Crawler
Dyhh, yl yz, tol = Well, it is, but
lsel’z lsa
Vamelup. Lsa Npedhap yz wozl
evulsap bensyve, vulsym zganyeh
= that’s the Negator. The Crawler
is just another machine, nothing special
Y’v lahhyvm rer iuo ellenqar ba!
= I’m telling dad you attacked me!
Dsel epa iuo ruyvm dyls
lsab? = What are
you doing with them?
Y eb e moepryev. = I am a guradian
Lsel e jenl? = That a fact?
Yl yz yvraar = It is indeed
Dahh lsel’z
iuop jeohl. Npedhap, jypa edei = Well, that’s your fault. Crawler, fire
away
Wapq! = Jerk!