Chapter 11
--- Biscuits
And so, the un-bricked group started down Dijose
Highroad. There were Crusaders and Knights here as there had been at
Mushroom Rock, but now, as Kinoc had predicted, they
were extremely sorry and were running back to Yevon
with their tails between their legs. Equally typical was the righteous
way in which the priests forgave them. They were walking around healing
people and saying things like, “They were wrong, but they can’t help it if
they’re stupid. They’re sorry, and since Yevon
is such a nice guy, we’ll let them come back.”
What was more annoying than the priests saying condescending I-told-you-so’s were the random fiend attacks.
A notable new one was the Basilisk. It looked like a cross between a snake
and a praying mantis. “It would be cute if it didn’t constantly try to
petrify people,” Yuna thought as she used Ensuna on Wakka to cure
him. Then the Basilisk petrified her and the group had to use a precious
Remedy because Tydus was too cheap to buy any Soft. “That’s it!” she said when she became her mushy
self again, “Valefor! Come down here and kick
this thing’s ass!”
Valefor unceremoniously trudged in. “What’s
that about?” Yuna asked, “Are you feeling well?”
“Oh, I put the aeon’s displays on short,” explained Tydus, “It gets boring after a while.”
“I see… Well, if you’re not sick then fight!”
Because aeons are immune to every possible harmful
status change, the Basilisk was utterly helpless as Valefor
pecked it to death.
“Yay!” said everyone. Valefor
did a jig, then flew off.
Eventually they reached a fork in the road. A sign at the split told them
that to the left was the Moonflow
and to the right was the Super Awesome Holy Temple of Yevon
in Dijose. This part of the sign was
beautifully carved and painted, with pyre flies strung about it and blinking
like Christmas lights.
“They don’t really have a village here, so they have to try hard to get anyone
to come,” Yuna
explained, seeing Tydus’s face.
“I see…” said Tydus. They turned right and
headed for Dijose. Auron
didn’t move.
“Hey, runt!”
Tydus went stiff. He turned around and said
smoothly, “I do not know who “Runt” is, but if you want me, my name is Tydus.”
“Whatever. Look, no one else needs to know about about
Jeckt. The mission will get complicated.
Their feelings might get hurt.”
“Did I really need to know?”
“No, I just like being mean, but if you want to cry about it…”
“Deathhhh,” Tydus rasped,
wiggling his fingers menacingly at Auron. They
walked briskly to find the group talking with the Chocobo
Knights they had met on the Mi’ihen Highroad, without
Clasko or their chocobos,
of course.
“Well, well, don’t you guys look pathetic!” said Tydus.
Lucil and Elma glared at him. “You know, you
were really asking for it. And that song!”
He said the last sentence with particular hatred.
“No need to kick us when we’re down!” The two Knights stalked off.
“Tydus, no more picking on Chocobo
Knights,” Yuna scolded.
“Chocobo-less Knights,” Tydus
reminded her. He was once again glared at.
“Let’s get to the temple already!” said Lulu. The temple, as it turned
out, was an unattractive pile of rocks with a door. Tydus
was unimpressed. “It does this really nifty lightning thing when a summoner is praying to a fayth
for their aeon, but I guess no one’s in there right
now,” Yuna said. Just then two men and a boy
walked out of the temple. The lead man looked up at the temple, noticing
its stationary attitude, then looked at Yuna and her guardians.
“Sorry, you must have just missed the show!” he called.
“You must be a summoner! My
name in Yuna.”
“You’re Braska’s daughter?”
Tydus cut in. “One more word about her father
and bricks will rain on you!”
“Um… excuse me then. My name is Isaaru.
These are my brothers.” Isaaru gestured at the
two accompanying him. “Moroda is acting as my
guardian, and I’m not quite sure why Pacce’s here.”
“Because I am annoying!” the boy said annoyingly. He started hopping
around the small congregation in a very annoying manner.
“Oh, yeah…” said Isaaru, “Wait, that’s a stupid
reason.”
“Before we get sidetracked anymore,” Auron
interrupted, “How about going to the temple!”
“Right away, Boss!” Tydus snapped to mock attention
again.
“Darn tooting I’m your boss, now run 50 laps around the temple!”
“Poo on you!” Tydus ran inside the temple. Auron
decided to whack him on the head later.
“See you around,” Yuna said gloomily to Isaaru as their groups headed in opposite directions.
“Finally, we’re in--” Before Tydus
could finish saying “inside” they were just that, and he noticed what was also
inside. In the center and around the edges of the room metal spines
jutted out of the floor. They spat sparks everywhere, but provided a
wavering electric glow by which the priests of the Dijose
temple were praying. Suddenly, a small bit of orange light sprouted in
one corner of the room. There was a small shout, then
someone called, “Get the fire extinguisher! Tep
is on fire again!”
“Iiieee!” Tep added. He was shortly put out and back to
praying. Tydus decided not to comment.
“Sooo, let’s go to the Cloister,” Lulu promted.
“Yes! My first legal trip into a Cloister of Trials!”
Tydus cheered loudly. Several priests looked at
him suspiciously, but before they could ask him what that was supposed to mean Tydus ran into the Cloister with the others close behind
them. “I’ll lead this little charade!” Tydus
proclaimed once inside, and flipped out his invisible guide.
“Oh, no, he’s doing it again,” said Wakka, seeing the
unusual hand movements and intent look on Tydus’s
face. “Hey, Tydus!”
He threw his blitz ball at him to get his attention. “None
of that, now!”
“Fine, no guide! And no help
from me, either!” Five hours and fourteen attempts later they had
made it to the end of the trials.
“See, guys?” said Wakka, “Just had to get over that
unlucky thirteen.” The group mumbled uncertainly. Lulu was looking
quite tired. Tydus wondered if the numerous
belts were causing the problem, but it could have been that the overall
awkwardness of her dress was the reason for her exhaustion. Yuna hurried into the back chamber.
“Oh look, the riffraff beat us here,” said an unpleasant voice. Dona,
Bitch of the Century, strutted in, followed by Bruno.
“You only put people down to hide your own imperfections and insecurity, you
sad, sad person,” said Tydus with immense
viciousness. Dona burst out in tears while everyone stared, though Kimahri was staring at the butterfly with hatred, and,
curiously, Bruno was staring at Auron in disbelief.
“What?” Auron asked rudely.
“Are you Sir Auron?” Bruno’s
eyes shown with excitement.
“No.”
“But-”
Auron puffed a few pyre flies at Bruno in disdain
while everyone was still watching Dona make a scene. Bruno also started
to cry. Both of them finally made their way out of the room, still
sniffing. Shortly afterward, Yuna came out of
the back room.
“What’s with all the weird faces?” she asked, looking around.
“Hey, did you get your aeon?” asked Wakka, avoiding her question.
“Yes, want to see it?” She summoned the post prissy horse aeon in existence. “The fayth
offered me tea and biscuits. Did you know that biscuits are cookies?”
“What a world,” Tydus replied distractedly. He
was thinking of a fitting name for this sad beast. “I know! Your
name will be Prissy!”
The aeon snorted in displeasure.
“I have spoken, so shall it be!” Tydus said firmly,
then clapped his hands twice briskly and held them up as if in surrender.
The aeon’s name was, indeed, Prissy. It snorted
again and left.
“Now we go to Guadosalam via the Moonflow!”
said Yuna excitedly.
“Wait, Guadosalam?” Tydus
raised an eyebrow and flipped through his guide. “Isn’t that where
“How is that creepy?” She glared at him.
“What I meant by creepy was his general manner!” Tydus
stammered. “And that it would be uncool to marry
him!”
“Stop while you’re ahead, Tydus, or at least slightly
behind,” suggested Wakka. Tydus
put his guide away again, but he refused to give up. “If I would get one
Gil for every time I’m going to say ‘I told you so’ I would be sure to say it
quite often,” Tydus thought.