The chocobo song was made by Aim

Also, the astronaut/caveman thing was taken from the show Angel, because it fits this story better. :P

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Chapter 10 --- Clasko Has HHis Day

Along the way they met many more people, including, strangely enough, Maechen. He did not even pretend to be sane. He was in a trashcan shouting something about an evil ring that must be destroyed.

Another person was complaining about a bright billboard sticking out of a small hill for all on the road to see. It was an advertisement for Luca Cafe’s hot chocolate.

"I don’t see any problems," said Auron.

Eventually they were overtaken by the Chocobo Knights they had met earlier. Lucil and Elma were singing a song to pass the time. Tydus could clearly here the lyrics:

"Cocobos are good to eat,

Big and yellow you cut off their feet,

Boil them in pots and pans,

Eat them sloppy with your hands!"

Tydus shook with rage, but sadly there was no way he could catch up with the intention of hacking the Knights to pieces. He made a mental note to kill them later. As they continued walking they saw a loud argument break out between a Crusader and a young woman wearing a green... hat. It was more of a hat than Belgemine’s, at least. "The caveman would win!" she yelled at the Crusader.

"The astronaut!" he yelled back.

"Just leave, you heathen! You’ll see your astronaut buddies in Hell!"

The Crusader stormed off. The group cautiously approached the woman, who was huffing loudly. "Oh, hello," she said calmly when she saw them, "My name is Shelinda. I am a priestess of Yevon."

"Hello," said Yuna, and she introduced the group.

"What was that argument about?" Tydus asked.

"Ah, well, if an astronaut and a caveman fought to the death, who would win?"

"..." "Does the astronaut get weapons?"

"No."

"Well, then what makes him an astronaut? I mean, if he doesn’t have huge laser cannons or plasma shields then all he is is a guy in a big restricting suit. Though, that might actually act as armor and prevent the caveman from harming him. In fact, the big white suit and creepy black visor might just the cave man off entirely!"

"You sacrilegious pig!" She stormed off as well.

"Tydus: one, Shelinda: zero!"

The rest of the group sighed or shook their heads. Kimahri was glaring at the butterfly and puffing hard from exertion. They picked up their feet and finally reached the gate that separated Mi’ihen Highroad and Mushroom Rock. Beyond that was Dijose Highroad, and then the temple. What they saw at the gate confirmed what Lucil had said when she was spilling the beans on the Crusaders. There were cages on the side of the road containing pissed-off sinspawn, and Crusaders and Chocobo Knights were milling around. Luzzu and Gatta were hanging around some of the cages to the right of the road.

"Hello, Wakka!" said Luzzu, waving, "It’s my fault Chappu died! I’m going to hide in a bomb shelter now!" He ran off into the distance. Fortunately, the suddenness with which Luzzu presented the information totally blew Wakka over, literally, so he didn’t know which way he had gone when he got up. The look on his face was such doom that Tydus laughed. Lulu sighed. Gatta, who had no idea that Luzzu was going to do that, looked around nervously, gave an edgy smile, and joined Luzzu in running off. The group stood there for a while. Then they remembered what they were supposed to be doing.

When they went to the gate a guard stopped them. "No admittance, sorry"

"But I am a summoner!"

"Oh yes," he said, laughing, "Good luck on your pilgrimage!" He seemed to think it was a big joke.

"Could you move, please?"

"No admittance!"

"Poo on you!" Yuna turned around to walk away hauntily, but instead ran into Seymour. The top of her head reached his collarbone. "You smell like farm animals."

Seymour bent his head down. "And you smell like shampoo."

"Oh! Very sorry, sir!" Yuna said and bowed her head low. She hit it on a large rock. "Owie," she mumbled.

"Maester Seymour, sir!" said a Crusader, running up to salute, "The command center is this way." He started to lead Seymour through the gate, but Seymour turned to talk to Yuna and her guardians.

"If you guys would like to come along, it’s gonna be pretty exciting," he offered. "It’s called Operation Mi’ihen. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not supporting them, I’m just in for the show. Besides, it’s not like the Final Summoning really works."

"Arg," said Yuna, "I’ll go, but only because it will allow me to continue my pilgrimage!"

"Good! Come when you’re ready!" He followed the guard through the gate to Mushroom Rock.

When he was gone Tydus asked, "Why’s it called Operation Mi’ihen if it’s taking place in Mushroom Rock?"

"Well, if Maechen hadn’t been a raving loon he could have told you that Mi’ihen was actually a person and that he was the founder of the Crusaders, not just a road," said Lulu.

"So his parents named him after a road?"

Lulu ignored him and they headed toward the command post. Many people they talked to liked to dump their problems on passerbys, most of which seemed centered around a few priest from Dijose who had walked around telling everyone to stop Operation Mi’ihen or die. They apparently took the priests’ threats seriously. Tydus thought priests were wusses, but Wakka knew better.

The Mushroom Rock path was filled with even more fiendish fiends than before, and they were all carrying lots of Gil. Tydus blew all the money on a brick that supposedly been thrown by Yevon himself from Oaka’s up and running shop. Finally, they arrived at the soon-to-be battlefield. There was a small bay surrounded by a beach where many Crusaders and Chocobo Knights were milling about the playing strip poker or Freeze Tag. Wakka could see that Luzzu and Gatta had chosen to hide there, but could not find a way to get down there. A short way beyond the beach rose tall cliffs and on the tops of these Al Bhed were helping other Crusaders set up the cannons, which looked like they were straight out of an archeological dig. At one edge of the bay stood a monstrous heap of pointy machina crawling with Al Bhed. In the center of the cliffs was a big cage being stuffed with sinspawn.

"Wowee," said Tydus.

"So... SACRILEGIOUS! RAWR!" Wakka bellowed, shaking with rage. He started with the cannons, trying to beat them to crumbling bits, but they had lasted a millennium and weren’t about to give up now, so Wakka turned on the Al Bhed who were maintaining them. The Al Bhed scattered like cockroaches dumped into the light.

"Wakka! Don’t make us throw you in the sinspawn cage!" warned Tydus. Wakka considered this, then sulked back to the group.

"Auron!" called a short chubby man. He closely resembled Buddha. "How’s life?"

"Hello, Kinoc," Auron said. He did not look happy to see him.

"It’s Maester Kinoc now!" Kinoc said cheerily.

"Oh, Lord." Auron did not try to hide his displeasure.

"I run the military of Yevon!"

"This place really went to hell while I was gone."

"Harsh," said Kinoc, still smiling. "So, you are all probably wondering why Maester Seymour and I are hanging around here, ya?"

"Very much, yes," said Wakka. Auron huffed and wandered off to intimidate soldiers.

"Basically, we’re just letting them do what they want, then when it doesn’t work they’ll have learned their lesson and come crawling back to us. Then we will graciously accept their apologies and they’ll stop trying to defy Yevon!"

"And what if they succeed in defeating Sin?" asked Tydus, earning another glare from Wakka.

"Then Sin’s gone! And at no expense of ours. It’s a win-win situation!"

"What a sensible and astronaut-like response," Tydus noted. Wakka could not decide which of them he was more aggravated by so he settled on joining Kimahri in his effort to kill the butterfly. "I am disturbed, though," Tydus continued, "That a Measter would think like that. You should be worse than Wakka but you’re almost neutral."

"Yes, well, about that... Look! It’s a three-legged armadillo!" Kinoc pointed to somewhere behind them. They all turned to see some Al Bhed instructing Crusaders on the ways of cannons.

"There’s no armadillo, three-legged or otherwise," said Tydus, turning back to face Kinoc, but the small and yet large man had started running toward the command center. "I don’t think he even knows what an armadillo is," Tydus said, frowning.

"Someone’s shouting on the beach!" said Yuna.

"Is... Sin... here?" asked Wakka, exhausted from trying to get at the butterfly.

"No, I think they’re saying... ‘Chocobo!’" Everyone looked at Tydus.

"Yes? What?" Tydus asked, looking innocent, though he really hadn’t done anything in the first place. They looked over the cliff. On the beach things had gone crazy. The Crusaders and Knights had been peacefully playing camp games when all of a sudden all the chocobos had pulled off their saddles and ripped their reins off the posts. They ran about warking their heads off and stomping on people. There was only one human on the beach who was not cowering in fear. He was standing on a boulder near the cliffs with a look of great satisfaction.

"It’s that guy who was with the Knights we met!" said Tydus.

"Clasko!" the man called to them.

"Right..." Tydus watched the rampaging chocobos. "Way to go, Clasko!"

"Run chocobos, be free!" yelled Clasko. The yellow mob was progressively moving toward the one path leading out of the enclosed beach. What they left behind was a horrible wreck of a beach covered in heavily bruised people. Clasko had grabbed a ride barebacked on a chocobo near the rear of the herd, which was already out of sight. There were a few chocobos who felt they were above rioting and had not left, but none of the humans felt much like trying to put their saddles back on.

Tydus was laughing with joy. Everyone else was either glaring at him or gazing at the beach in horror. "What? It’s not like anyone died. That’ll teach them to be mean to chocobos!"

Then someone screamed again. "What’s it this time?" Wakka asked.

"Why don’t you look," Lulu suggested, gesturing out to sea. When he did look he saw the characteristic protective bubble of Sin rising out of the water in the center of the bay. Instantly people started firing their cannons. The bubble became covered in smoke and fire. Pieces of shrapnel from cannon balls flew everywhere, and one in particular flew Luzzu’s way.

Sin released sinscales, which engaged the Crusaders and chocobo-less Knights in battle in the surf. For some reason, probably to piss off Tydus, Sin shot are particularly nasty sinspawn at him and his buddies. Sinspawn Gui was a giant... thing. It didn’t resemble any animal in existence, which should give a good idea of what it did look like. Tydus’s guide suggested that he start with the head, which was quite ugly so it was his pleasure to comply. He casted Haste on Lulu so she could reach it. A few Firas later the head did not disappear, but it did become gray and insignificant.

"Shouldn’t it be dead now?" Tydus asked, "If someone whacked my head into oblivion I certainly wouldn’t still be moving." But it did move, quite vigorously, and it could still inflict damage. Yuna was very busy making sure no one died, but eventually Auron reached his overdrive and cut Gui to itty-bitty bits.

By this time the Al Bhed had finished preparing the giant laser on the edge of the bay. Its two long spines stuck out and danced with electricity. Then it focused and shot at the bubble around Sin.

"ZOT!" said the laser. It worked to push through the bubble. A big dimple formed, and got bigger and deeper until the most deafening pop ever was heard. But, of course, the shards of the broken shield flew outward, blowing up every piece of machina and killing many people, but of the chocobos that had stayed, none were hurt. Sin staggered. "Probably drunk again," Tydus thought. Sin righted itself, leered at Tydus, and started swimming away.

"Yeah, you better run away, you jerk!" Tydus taunted.

"You honestly don’t fell bad about what you’re supposed to do?" Auron asked, slightly shocked.

"The only thing sad about it is that it’s true."

Sin could hear all this and turned around to leave a parting explosion before continuing to exit. The entire group was temporarily turned into bricks. The first one to recover was Yuna. She became her normal self with a soft pop. As she looked around she saw that Sinspawn Gui was back. Seymour was batting at it with his own sinister-looking stave.

"I’ll save you, Seymour!" said Yuna. She ran into the battle.

"What? What can you do that I can’t do better?"

"More turns in battle," she reminded him. Shortly after they heard a distant pop and Auron joined the fight. He was thinking that Tydus might have the right idea about Jeckt.

"Honestly, I’m a Maester! I don’t need your help!"

"Fine then." Yuna crossed her arms and stood there. Neither she nor Auron did anything to help and Seymour was forced to spend most of his turns healing everyone. Inevitably he reached his overdrive, and, in a much greater display than Auron could ever manage, utterly destroyed Gui.

"Well, I hope you’re happy," he huffed at Yuna. Yuna grinned evilly.

Behind them they heard a pop and then a shout. "Old man, you will DIE!"

"That’s the spirit, Tydus," Auron called to him. A brick with a butterfly idly perched on it suddenly became Kimahri, then another revealed Wakka, and the last one popped into Lulu. They all went down to the beach to look for goodies to steal from the dead. What they found was Gatta. He was very distressed.

"Luzzu’s dead!" he said, "He was cut exactly in half! The evil!"

"Well, good thing he died now, because I would never have relented in administering punishment on him," said Wakka. This didn’t seem to comfort Gatta very much.

"Um, let’s go to Dijose now..." Yuna suggested. This they did.