Mushroom Criminals

Mohair
Ah, what can one say about the elusive Mohair? The original hardened Mushroom Criminal, Mohair has proved to be one of the few failures of the FAF conversion programme. She delights in displaying, cooking and eating foul fungi, particularly in the presence of FAF Executive Team members.

A worthy adversary and co-leader of the the anti-FAF movement, Mohair's devotion to mushroom knows no bounds. She possesses many devish tomes devoted to the culinary horrors of fungiphilia and preaches her dastardly beliefs wherever she roams.

Past campaigns against Mohair include the kidnapping of her lifelong companion, Wuzzle - a daring feat, carried out by Queen Lizzie and the Mushroom Finder General.

Choc Mousse
Along with Mohair, Choc Mousse is co-leader of the movement against FAF. A highly subversive and dangerous campaigner, her hobbies include collecting mushroom recipes and freezing large quantities of mushroom-based dishes for consumption by future generations. With such foresight and deviousness, we at FAF believe that Choc Mousse has ambitions for sole leadership of the fungiphle movement, although for now she resides in harmony with Mohair.

Choc Mousse should be approached with particular caution. Her reputation for disguise - her collection of outfits, and in particular shoes, is astounding - endows her with a great capacity for undercover resistance and surveillance. We have however long suspected that her penchant for young men may be the vital weakness that may lead to her downfall.

Matthew McMushroom
Formerly a fearsome Mushroom Criminal, Matthew is currently the subject of your lovely monarch's intensive de-criminalising programme. Although his favourite meals still include steak (with mushrooms) and strogonoff (with mushrooms), he is being weaned off the vile creatures with some success. None have entered his house for months.

McMushroom has recently been utilisng underhand techniques in attempts to shake off his training, including foot-tickling and high-level chocolate provision. His conversion is, however, invitable, particularly as the influence of the senior members of the McMushroom clan is gradually giving way to worship of Queen Lizzie.

See More Fungi Inc
Gee and Zee, the senior members of the See More Fungi corporation, are strong and malevolent influences within the anti-FAF movement. The more dangerous of the pair is the charming but deadly Gee, with his cunning ability to compose subversive music and shocking verse. Zee is another lost cause for FAF, but slightly less aggressive in her defense of fungi, for example omitting them from foodstuffs to accomodate the monarch of FAF on her tours of duty around the See More Fungi establishment. However, she is notorious for her mind-control techniques over small children, and we believe she is attempting to corrupt future generations into the ways of fungal foulness.

Claire and Sarah, Editorial Assassins
Both vegetarians, both marmite lovers, the Editorial Assassins were assigned by anti-FAF authorities to shadow Queen Lizzie in her current (HTML course-funding) workplace. These devious girlies are assiduous in their mushroom-munching and preaching of the fungiphile word, but despite their best efforts they have yet to receive even a raised eyebrow for their attempts. Buck up dearies, let's make it a real fight. But 10/10 for coming on tea-making expeditions.

Chief Editorial Assassin
Notorious for putting her minions through a strict conversion course known only as the "Peppard Process", this vocal and fear-inspiring officer of the anti-FAF movement has been vigorously attacking your lovely Queen. Deploying her mini Assassins (see a briefing in progress here) and capable of catapulting searing putdowns at 50 yards, this is one to watch - she must be raised high on the FAF campaign hitlist.

Rachel "The Veggie"
Despite her sweet and apparently innocous exterior, Rachel is a ravening raging mushroom lover. Being a vegetarian, she feasts on fungi in both mushroom and Quorn form, on a regular basis. Despite many loud professions of her fungiphilia, she has however abstained from cooking mushrooms when entertaining your bountiful monarch. This weakness, despite the powerful anti-FAF presence of Mohair on several occasions, and the difficulty of creating veggie dishes that exclude mushrooms, courgettes AND aubergines, shows that there are flaws in Rachel's armour.

Further work is required, but we may be able to crack this one. Note however that she has a number of close allies, such as the notorious Stuart, who takes pleasure in consuming mushroom soup when FAF members are present. Thus the powers of this self-effacing lady should not be underestimated.

Mum
This fearsome creature failed to pass her disgusting fungus-consuming habits on to one of her two offspring, although unfortunately poor Sister Laura has recently succumbed. Mum tried for more than twenty years to make her daughters eat vast quantities of mushrooms, forcing them to spoil many potentially harmonious family meals by picking out each malnutritious element. In one daughter she eventually succeeded, but in the other created her Arch Nemesis (ooh yes). See Mum's abominably jolly efforts at pro-mushroom poetry here.

Sister Laura
Oh Laura. It started out so well - as the sister of your lovely monarch Laura spent her early years in support of the FAF cause, happily spitting out the offending articles whenever they appeared in her bolognese. But as time went on, the influence of Mum and the other Criminals became too much for this weak-willed little soul, and sadly we must report that she has now defected fully to the Dark Side. She can now be found buying large quantities of foul fungi and happily munching them in all sorts of cuisine, although we do occasionally hear reports of the odd bag of button mushrooms going off in her fridge, so pehaps all is not quite lost. Aided and abetted by Jimmy "The Music", another long time criminal, Sister Laura should be treated with caution at all times, as she is liable to sneak fungus into the most innocuous of dishes, dismissing her treason with a cursory "bah".

"Fearsome" Greg
With a deadly combination of martial arts and pro-mushroomy, "Fearsome" Greg is a force to be reckoned with. His long-suffering wife is a new FAF member but has long struggled to keep the influence of fungi out of her life, and Greg is now the subject of a slow but ruthless campaign of conversion, using subtle tactics such as Queen Lizzie's patented Mind Control Dinner Parties. Approach with caution.

Claire and Sarah
For more than a decade, this decadent pair have assiduously trailed the path of your lovely monarch, without success. Despite consuming numerous curries, making cups of tea without the aid of a kettle, and even attempting bribery with fudge and half price cream teas, they have failed to dent Queen Lizzie's mushroom-proofed armour. Their love of all things fungal, in particular on all-you-can eat pizza, is of course a source of great disgruntlement, yet we hold out hope that friendship will conquer all and one day they will give up their disgusting mushroom-eating habits.

Jimmy "The Music"
Companion of Sister Laura, Jimmy would be a lovely boy, except for the fact he likes mushrooms. Accompanying Laura on many a burger-eating and zoo-visiting expedition, armed with a flask of (mushroom?) soup and a selection of delicious sandwiches, Jimmy roams the wilds of Sussex, composing mad tunes as he goes. Protesting that "the monkeys made me do it" doesn't absolve you, I'm afraid. >