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What they are going through, and ways to help......
If you are someone close to a grieving mother...

   
First of all, know that she has not "gone crazy", and despite what you think, she does not hate you...(no matter how she acts).
(If that sounds like a strange statement, you'd be surprised at how many people are at a complete loss when it comes to understanding a grieving mom's behavior.)

     After a Mom loses her child, she goes through a myriad of emotions that might range from laughter to out and out rage. This can be terribly confusing for others. You may see her relatively happy one day, and unable to get out of bed the next. The temptation is there to just want her "back to normal", and without realizing it, you may be putting pressure on her to"snap out of it".

     What you must understand is that she has suffered a loss that can be compared to
nothing else in the world. You could lose all of your money, your home, everything you own... you could lose a parent, a sibling, a friend.....but the loss of a child (for a mother)goes deeper than any wound imaginable.

     This child was literally a
part of her. She felt their first movements of life, felt him or her grow within her, and endured a labor of love to bring them into the world. The first time she saw their little face, she thought her heart would break, never having seen anything so beautiful. She watched them grow, she dreamed dreams for them, and in the reflection of her child's eyes-- she saw the faces of her grandchildren.

     Believe me when I say that if she'd been given a choice, she would have offered up her life for theirs in an instant. If she could have died for them, SHE WOULD HAVE... so deep is that love.

     I tell you truly, losing a beloved child is a loss like no other. Society doesn't even have a
word for it. Why? Because it's so indescribable. If your parents die you become an orphan, husband dies..a widow, wife dies.. a widower, but if a child dies, we don't even posess the language to describe that.

     Resist putting pressure on her to "be like she used to be". She will perceive this as a lack of concern for her emotional state. As much as you would like to have the "old her" back, she simply
cannot be "normal" right now. For her, everything she thought she was sure of has been shaken to it's foundation.
It's time for you to know what she is really thinking.....
All in all, these are just simple things. Know that kindness and understanding goes a long way. Don't lose patience with her. She knows other people need her, trust me. She is probably feeling guilty enough without any help from you! If there was ever an opportunity for you to be a hero, this is it. Be that shoulder she can lean on, and that person she can look to for understanding.
Grieving Moms
(After I lost my son, the people around me were at a loss as to how to help me. Because they were unsure of what to do, they did the worst thing of all...they stepped away and left me alone. I said I was going to be honest, so know that the things I write are the things I wish I could have explained to them. Maybe another family will see this and give the grieving mom in their family the support she needs.)
First of all, you need to know that the little bit you see only scratches the surface of   what's REALLY going on inside her, both in her mind and her broken heart. The grieving Mom does not tell anyone what's really happening to her. She is afraid people will see her as "morbid" or "obsessed" with her childs death. More than anything, she needs to talk, but she is probably afraid to. Chances are, she has "tested the waters" and tried (in small ways) to talk about these feelings with the people close to her.  The problem is, the thing that can help heal her(talking) is the one thing people discourage. They'll often change the subject because it makes them uncomfortable. This only increases her feelings of isolation, and will cause her to keep her sadness locked inside, where no one can see.

     What ever way her child may have died, whether from illness, or an accident, unexpectedly, or slowly in the hospital, she is
reliving those days, hours, and moments, over and over. It is not that she's obsessed...she truly can't help it. The thoughts come out of nowhere, and she sees her child and feels that helplessness all over again. She continually relives the moment that they died. She relives that accident, that illness, that crime.  She may also be traumatized by visions of the medical medical treatment they received. Emergency treatment can be horrible to watch.

     You might see her suddenly look confused and grow silent, or perhaps mumble something to herself, shaking her head... you, completely unaware that she is being bombarded with some traumatic memory that is ripping her heart in two. It is much like a soldier that comes home from a war, and having seen terrible things, has "flashbacks". For a mother however, it can be much, much worse. This was no stranger. This child was a part of her.

     It is really important that you
understand this if you are going to understand her.  Know that whatever may have taken her child's life, whether a carcrash, accident, or illness, whether they were stillborn, or a suicide, or an overdose, (or any number of other tragic things), she is seeing it, feeling it, hearing the sounds, remembering the smells, all of it... again and again. This explains why one day she seems ok, but the very next day she is silent and withdrawn. Some days are just "bad days", and the simplest things can set off an avalanche of memories.

     Our society doesn't encourage giving voice to such thoughts. I'll bet you she is feeling that if she tells you what she is really thinking you will either be freaked out by it, or that you may actually think she is just trying to get attention. (Our society's ridiculous hush-hush attitude towards grief keeps her fearful to express herself.) Grief will find a way out, no matter what. If a person cannot express it through normal communication, it will manifest itself in other ways. Mood swings, anger, even self-destructive behavior. This is why it is so very important to let her talk if she needs to.
     She is full of happy memories as well. Please know that. But even these can be heartbreaking, simply because these happy things will never happen again. Happy or sad,
the memories come, and  with them she is reminded over and over, that her child is gone forever.

Imagine, if you can, a knot in the center of your chest that never goes away.            
That is what bottled-up grief feels like.      

     To help, the first thing you need to do is LISTEN. You would be amazed at how much the stress and inner pain is eased for her by simply
talking. Don't avoid the subject of her child.  I don't care if that child only lived 10 seconds! She loved that child! She likes to hear his/her name. Acting like they never existed is NOT the answer. While nothing will ever replace my son and I will grieve him forever, I was fortunate that  I'd had other children. Some moms are not so lucky. I can't imagine losing my ONLY child and then having people never mention their name! Why, it would be like I was never a mother at all!  Grieving Moms need to talk..and you need to let them.

     Don't make her suffer in silence so that
you won't have to feel uncomfortable. People are afraid of a mothers tears. Don't be. Worry more if she doesn't cry. Let her lay on your shoulder and WAIL if she needs to! Don't be afraid. It's perfectly ok for you to wail right along with her if that's how you feel. Every one of those tears is grief being released, a loosening of that knot in her chest. Listen to her without telling her how to feel or what to do. Every memory she is able to share with you is a healthy release of her grief. If she is allowed to slowly get it out, you will find that she'll start to regain some balance.
Ok, I know you want to be helpful, so here are some Things NOT to say........


1. Do not say "Well, now they are in a better place."
     (
She may nod, but inside she is saying they are NOT in a better place, I want them here with me.)

2.  Do not say "You are holding up so well..."
      (
This is the same as saying I am more comfortable that you are not showing any emotion)

3.  Do not say "Well, you need to stop dwelling on it.."
       (
She wishes that she could, but she is heartbroken)

4.   Do not say "Well, you should look at it like this....or....What you should do is .... or......Well, if you'd only try such and such.........."
       (
She does not need you telling her how to feel about what's
       happened. She knows how she feels and can't magically
       change it because you say so
..)

5. Do not say "God must have wanted him/her for a reason."
(
She cannot imagine ANY good reason for this, not even from God.)
Here are the sort of Things you SHOULD say......


1.   I know you are sad and have a lot on your mind, and you can talk to me
      about anything. I won't think you are crazy, and I will listen, I promise.
     

2.   Do you remember the time that (childs name) did such and such? .....Tell her a happy story. She likes to remember him or her, and it makes her
      feel better when people don't act like they didn't exist.

3.   I love you even when you're grumpy.

(Actually, I really do have a more thorough list on the next page, but you get the idea)
Next - Words That Hurt, Words That Heal
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Message From Kelly to the Other Moms / My Visit With the Grief Counselor / A Story From My Sons Teacher / Helping Parents After the Death of a BabyMothers Experiencing Stillbirth Need Special Support /
Josh's Story - The Phone Call / The Emergency Room / The HospitalThe Hospital 2 / The Hospital 3 / Afterward