NASTYGRAM TEMPLATES
(for those who are too lazy to construct one properly)
by Attorney Barnabus Collins

It has come to my attention, that some of you out there have trouble constructing a proper "Nastygram"
to send to the winner of an auction on which you had bid. Just fill in the proper blanks below,
then copy and paste! Now you are ready to tear the heart out of those villians who stole your bauble.


LOSING BIDDER NASTYGRAM TEMPLATE
Dear [Insert favorite obscenity here]

I have been closely watching that auction for days, getting no sleep, in the anticipation of owning that ______! How dare you steal that ______ from me! My poor sick ______ who is dying of _______ wanted that as a dying wish. Your unsportsman like way of bidding has robbed me of my one last chance to bring happiness to poor _______.

I am considering hiring Attorney Barnabus Collins to represent me in my multi-million dollar lawsuit against you, ebay, and the State of California. (This paragraph is optional)

I have already sent complaints to Janet Reno, Tom Clancy, and Oprah Winfrey. I can't understand how someone as immoral and cowardly as you are allowed to do business on ebay, but you are going to Hades for your actions of _______.

[It's traditional to insert a paragraph of obcenities about here, right after the appeal to moral values]

I will be watching you from now on, and you better watch yourself. I know lots of people in your town, and can have you blackballed. I'm never doing business on ebay again, and when I do, you better not bid against me again. Have a nice day. LOL!

[Your Signature]

Remember the proper order:

Outrage
Appeal to sympathy
Threat of lawsuit, including attorneys
Questioning of morals
Statement of who you sent complaints to
Damnation
Lots of cussing
Veiled threats
Statement of intent to leave

Always end your nastygram with "have a nice day, LOL!" It leaves the impression of mental instability. (Hey, we attorneys have all sorts of tricks.) Now go out there and lose some auctions, and remember: high bid wins, but second place tries harder!

After you've sniped another bidder and you receive your Nastygram, you'll want to use the following handy template that pretty much covers most Nastygrams, with just a few additions.


WINNING BIDDER NASTYGRAM REPLY TEMPLATE
Dear Knuckledragger:

Next time you find something you truly want, try bidding what the item is worth to you instead of sitting on your hands. Why you failed to bid what you were willing to pay is your own problem. It's too bad poor ______ has such a cheap relative. As for the magnificent Attorney Barnabus Collins, I already have retained him. Sorry try again.

You call me dishonest and cowardly? While I was bidding my honest maximum the way ebay recommends, you were bravely bidding what? The smallest amount it took to get you on top, knowing full well that any other bid would beat your timid little cheapskate bid? Darwin said survival of the fittest, not the biggest fit! If you lack the brainpower to bid the way ebay recommends, dont blame others for doing it properly. You should stick to WallyWorld where your expertise can at least enable you to get low prices (everyday).

Oh, and being outbid isn't auction interference or an immoral act, it's called competition---something we unsportsmanlike bidders know all too well.

[Your Signature]