It is worse than normal now.
Both knights yelling, they're not quiet anymore.
The coming of time is almost here.
I should be thinking about the crimson dawn, but i can't stop thinking of her.
Always it's her, and nothing else.
I'm losing what ever i had left, and i can't stop it.
I don't know who can.
Everyday I can hear her voice, and everyday it drives me further towards madness.
The beast is dormant at times, and for a moment i can find peace.
But he awakens again, and chaos insues.
I don't know what to do. I can't find my way out.
I don't know which way is up.
I can't go to Ragor, he'll just say it's "self-inflicted."
I can't go to Tiran, she's to caught up in her own world.
Sonet doesn't understand.
Metag, she could careless.
Rihgar, doesn't like mellodrama.
and Jena, i would be breaking my vow.
I know where her heart lies, and it's not with me.
That sends me beyond the brink of defeat.
To know that i lost, and i can't regain what left.
To break a vow, is to forfiet my humanity.
There is no humanity left.
She is my last link, and i feel that it's very strained.
To the point of breaking.
What do i do, where do i go, who do i turn to?
So many questions, so few answers.
AM doesn't know me well enough. i feel like an outcast in my own body.
Over and over that day plays in my head, "love."
The weeks before, how much she wanted to see me then.
How much she wanted to move on.
I wish could have seen what i had when i had it.
but that is a far cry from reality.
i miss her so much.
i want her back, but thats not possible.
I hurt, it's a pain i've never felt before.
It runs deep, it scars hard, it just keeps going deeper and deeper.
scaring everywhere it goes.
It doesn't stop, torment is endless.
and it stops, the beast sleeps once more.
solitude, peace.
the ability to think clearly returns. questions now have answers.
and the cycle begins again.
my mind is calm once more, empty.
i'm tired of this, but i can't seem to stop the cycle.
It's like i don't want to stop it.
Am i punishing myself again, for fucking up?
The questions return, the time comes.
the knights fight again, never ending.
Just stop, leave me alone.
SHUT UP!!!
please.... i beg you, just leave me alone.
Anger
I burn with anger, and i feel no remorse for those i've hurt....
i can now tell when something has gone wrong, i can hear the sound....
the sound of people's feelings in their voices...
i remember..... the sound of her voice....
i listen now to the singer of Tatu....
i hear her anger, her sorrow, and her conviction
Her heart is in the words she sings....
i remember how "her" voice sound towards the end, so distant
How long had she been with this guy?
Without me knowing, long? short?
Anger fills my vision, i can see nothing but her, and hear nothing but her voice....
so empty......... so distant... thinking of him......
The anger rises and i feel no pain, no remorse........
i feel nothing..... my beast has come at last... where to begin?
Where to start the devestation? the havoc that i will ensue?
For the first time i smile and it really means something...
he has come, and now it is the end of all...
even the knights are afraid of this creature.....
The burn is now a rapid scar, the anger rises and overcomes me...
i need no help now... i want no help.... i can feel nothing of love...
humanity is still there, a thread from the world....
and then the thought of her touch..........................................
He dies.......
the anger gone......... his essense is still there i can feel him......
the sorrow returns, and now i sink into nothingness
i feel remorse, is she my center......
i feel pain again, i feel angry at myself, for letting him take me....
no help, no love, nothing there for me to live for.....
friends, i have them, but why live without love....
i've seen what happens to the men who go on without love....
they die after taking many with them... without love you can not live...
i guess it is time for me to die then....... she no longer needs me....
though i still need her.....
i love her..... but is it love or is it obsession?
i don't know anymore.....
i don't know if i care......
sleep comes to my exhausted soul... so overwhelmed with questions
i heed it's call..... i find sleep.... at long last......
Can't Have
What is it about a person that they always must seek what they can't find?
That they always want what they can't have?
Why is a person so lost?
I can't find any answers, and I don't know where to look.
Why do I wish for something I can never have?
Am I really in love, or am I just wanting her because I know I can't have her?
I feel so lost, and yet I can be found so easily, by those I wish to avoid.
Why is it that I wish for her day in and day out?
Why do I still hold on to something that I know isn't there?
I can't see why?
And there is no one that can show me why.
They argue, but it's so distant now.
It's like they're far away, just a whisper.
I can't help but wonder what it is about her?
Why does she linger in my mind, after so long?
It never used to be this way.......
Have I finally changed, or am I just diluding myself?
What do I do?
It used to be, that they left, a week passed, and life went on as normal.
And now it's been almost three months, and all I can say is "I miss her."
Why? WHy? WHY? WHY?! WHY!?!
So many questions, with so few answers, and none seem to fit.
Sleep beckons me, and I heed it's call.
The knights are too far away today to stop sleep from taking me.
I just wish that........ she would take me as well.
Lost
Time spinning.
No way out.
The fighting contiues,.
There is no end.
No peace.
I can feel a change happening.
Am I losing my humanity?
Or am i finally finding it?
I don't know anymore.
I don't know anything anymore.
Nothing makes sense.
Everything I knew is gone.
Everything I ever wanted, has disappeared.
What to do?
The same questions over and over again.
The questions keeping coming, and the answers don't.
Am i losing my mind?
I believe I am.
But you never really know what you have until you lose it.
I know I can move on.
But it's like I don't really want to.
I need help, and I can't see any in sight.
I can hear the voices, but it's so dark.
Where do I go? What can I do?
I can't see.
The war is raging. It won't stop.
I can hear everything.
All the battles, all the dying men.
The lost, and the wounded.
My mind is spliting.
The two knights always fighting, never sleeping.
They hate each other, and yet they love each other.
Each never bowing to the other, never gaining the upper hand.
I can't take it anymore.
I can't think, I can't sleep, I can't even live.
And the beast delights in all of this.
I was attached. I had found love.
The one thing the beast couldn't defeat, or overcome.
And I lost it.
He mocks me, torments me, laughs at me.
He is the only thing I can't let lose.
If I do, it will be the end of the world as we know it.
Unlike most, my demon is more powerful than people are aware.
Few have seen it. Few live to tell the tale.
I can't see, I can't be when he is let lose.
All I know is red, all I see is red.
There is nothing he won't destroy, that he won't kill.
He has no mercy, that is why I fear.
I don't fear death, I don't fear life.
I fear what will happen if he is let lose.
The carnage. The beast of light and dark, hungering for death.
He grows stronger everyday, and I grow weaker.
My control is dwindling. I'm losing.
The pain only amplifies his rage, and the war in my head....
Drives him to success.
The questions return, the answers leave.
I'm back to square one.
How long will I be here?
How long can I keep him under control?
how long...?
I don't know anymore.
I feel lost. I am lost.
Can someone find me?
Help............
New question
I find myself with a new question, is it love or is it obsession?
Traci says it's love do to the torment i went and am going through....
but something in my head says otherwise... do all people feel this way?
I know i would do anything for her, is that what love really is?
being able to allow them to do what they want and still be by their side?
even if the pain is beyond that which you can take?
Why would people subect themselves to that?
Why do i subject myself to that punishment?
I think i love her... now i question everything....
since that day, nothing has been as i think it should be...
does anything every turn out as i think it should be? no...
the only question i can answer without thinking twice....
I was asked once, if she came back would i take her back.....
i want to say yes, but i can't.... and i don't know why...
I think i would... now i can't even convince myself of anything....
do i leave... do i stay....
is it love.... is it obsession....
i don't know... i know i still yern for her... to hold her once more...
as i once did... with love from both of us, one to the other.........
the beast is asleep, for once i feel no torment, but yet i do
everyday knowing that she left me for a man she never met....
the past is the past, i try to let it die, but it won't
what is love? why do people have it?
is it real, or are we just making something up and giving it a name?
I feel lost, and with her around i feel found...
the slightest look, the smallest touch, drives me mad with anger, fear, and sorrow,
but fills me with hope, joy, and worthiness.
Why?
of all the people why her?
the one person i can't be around, is the one person i want most... why?
is it love, or is it obsession?
They say to convince others, you must first convince yourself...
i've already lost that battle....
do i love her, or am i just diluding myself again?
just making myself think i love her, because she left me?
if i do love her, would i still feel the same way?
would i feel different, if i was diluding myself?
all i feel is pain, and it hurts, so much....
i feel pain, sorrow, and wanting.... none of which i can remove...
if a person is really in love, do the feel the same way i do, when they lose their special person?
there is no one i can ask that to..... so where do i find my answers...
in myself? i don't hold all the answers....
have i found love only to lose it to the small whim of a mysterious man....
she said she loved Anime Master.....
and then she said that she was through with him, that he was a jerk....
did she really find love, but lose it only to find that the man she thought she had didn't exist?
does she really know what love is?
do i?
Tiran can you help me find these answers.......
Solitude
From death, comes life and life, death.
Why is it that when i seek solitude it never comes, but when i don't it's all around?
How do I live without love hope or faith?
How do I...?
The questions come and still no answers.
No answers.
What do i do?
I don't know anymore.
I see light ahead of me, but is it only an illusion of my mind?
Or is it real?
I can't see.
If it is real, why now?
And if not why does my mind play with me?
Still no answers.
I can't turn from my path, it was long ago.
Why can't things go back to the way they were?
I miss her, and i love her.
If she only knew.
I would give anything to know what she feels right now.
I would do anything, be everything she wanted.
But she wants the mysterious man, and thats something i'm not.
I had my chance.
I lost her.....
For good.
Hope is lost.
Faith is gone.
Love is all that's left.
And it hangs in a very small hole to far to reach.
Peace comes, but still no answers.
I feel lost, the demon has come and gone.
And yet he stays.
He waits........
For his fun to arrive.
I fear........
I fear the only thing that is worse than a war.
Myself.
I fear for those around me.
He is so violent, so angry.
My life is ruled by anger, and i hurt from it.
All i see is red and i can't stop.
I can't stop.
Help me please, help me stop.
Help............
I can't stop.
All the killing, the death, the destruction.
Help.........
My anger rules me, and i can't let it go.
I fear i will be the end.
That i will bring about what i have sworn to defeat.
I can't stop.
No answers, no help.
Nothing, just emptiness.
Fear, and solitude at last.......................................
Solace
On a line of dust my world lingers...
With hope and the thought of love once more...
And still i find no solace....
i have found peace at long last... but no solace...
is it because i have not really met her yet...
or am i not ready...
i know it is love... but how deep does it go...
my world is on the line of dust... neither here nor there...
but yet centered on something... i can not see what...
centered and motionless... yet moving and unstable....
I have found love again... she loves me for who i am not for who i was....
or for what i look like....
she has found me... they say love is fickle... and i find myself timid
"love is hiding, maybe right next door, all you must do is look..."
"love is always hiding... but it is always ready to be found"
to these i say... and i am known as a fortune cookie
am i worthy of her love... thats not the question....
the question is am i moving to fast... trying to replace what i lost...
with her... trying to recreate what i had with jena... with kitten......
"to recreate something is to make something in another likeness... you will ultimately fail...."
i love her... and i don't want to hurt her... and to try to recreate something that we have never had...
i will hurt her that way... and hurt myself... the pain must stop with me....
the pain must die.... the pain will DIE....
IT DIES HERE AND NOW... NOTHING WILL STOP ME FROM FINDING HAPPINESS....
NOT RAGOR, NOT SONET, NOT EVEN JENA.....
GOD HAS NO SAY IN MY AFFAIRS ANYMORE... NONE OF THEM....
THEY ARE MY AFFAIRS, MY LIFE, MY CHOICES, AND MY CONIQUENCES....
I have my love... i have my kitten ... that is all i need... all i want...
i am happy once more...and the peace has come....
Solace will come in time... to this i am happy....
Changed
the thought that runs through my mind has changed...
no longer do i focus on the day, the time, she said good bye...
but yet the time she said no...
it keeps running through my mind... why did i ask her...
why was i moving so fast...
i now see that if she had said yes... that it would have been a big mistake...
for both of us... but still why did i ask in the first place...
where would we be if she had said yes...
the questions fill my mind.. but they don't overtake me...
am i moving to fast now... i feel love again...
but if i do move to fast... why...
i think i see why ryan was so "obsessive"...
he was searching for acceptance.....
Am i searching for it was well.....
do i even need it...
or am i trying to recreate something that was never there....
the "perfect relationship".... i realize this...i don't want it to happen...
but i want to remain with kitten....
it seems melodrama isn't just in highschool...
and the peace i thought i had... was just a small light of the hope i feel...
one cannot have peace without solace....
Life again
my mind races, my heart feels full.
but she's so young, and this isn't even her
how can i allow myself to be disillusioned by this
am i allowing my character to be so ready to love,
because i am so ready to love?
But why, how can i say that it is love?
I know where my heart stands.
i just don't understand it anymore.
is it because of the reason, and how we met that i feel this way?
a question without an answer
Finally
It seems i feel love again....
I want it so much.... and know i think i have found it again....
I have always had love... but i wanted unheeded love...
the kind of love that you marry a person for....
the kind of love that keeps you with a person.... a soulmate love.
i still have love from jess, but thats a friendship love....
not what i want... what i think i need....
kitten though..... i think i love her.... i know i do...
and i feel happy once more.....
the demons are caged... the knights, silent....
i'm finally at peace....
i don't want to hurt her... and i don't want to be hurt...
with love you go out on a limb, you may get hurt you may not...
i feel this limb is strong enough.....
tears come to the eyes of a man... that i thought had no feelings....
they are tears of pain... but they are also tears of joy....
the pain i felt before... is gone.... and now i can sleep unhindered by fear.....
strange i met her on the net.... but it feels so right...
like it was supposed to happen....
Jena was my golden rose
i have finally let go.... she is gone... and i'm ok with that.....
kitten is my kitten...
my little kitten, so cold and afraid... so in need of a person to help her....
i want to be that person.....
i know the difference bewteen love and in love......
i love jena.... i'm in love with my kitten....
I'm finally happy.......
Last on the Road - made for My Kitten
I was lost in the shadows... where few ventured...
She came to there with no fear, and only a question....
i had no love, i had no hope...
i was lost... the darkness was all i knew...
She asked one question....
and an answer she did not expect...
she came with only a question....
i found myself turned around...
suddenly i could see again...
i felt life... i felt hope...
she came with only a question..
she lifted me out of the shadows...
she left that night with much more...
she left with my heart....
