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What's the Story, Mornin' Glory?
Hillz, The
(2005)
Steve Five (Jesse Woodrow) is a jaded high school senior in Beverly Hills. He hangs out with the biggest losers in school that everyone hates. Steve is sick of everything and can't wait until he can get out of "The Hills". Every night is the same thing they try to get people to buy them alcohol and they show up to parties unwanted and get harassed by two local cops. One night they try to get some college students to get them alcohol and both groups start a fight. A guy they know shows up and pulls a gun out on the college students scaring them off. This effects Duff (Rene Heger), one of Steve's friends in a huge way. After date raping a girl at a party, Duff finds a gun in the bedroom and kills one of the cops that had been harassing them. After that, Steve leaves for college and plays college baseball. He had made a promise with his childhood love Heather (Paris Hilton) that if he made it in baseball he'd come back for her, so he heads back to his hometown to claim her. There he runs into his old crew and he finds that they steal, sell drugs, and murder people on a regular basis. He gets sucked into his old ways and gets pulled into a mess that he might not be able to get out of.
You Learn Something New Everyday...
 Monster Head is an offensive nickname.
The best place to wear your sluttiest clothes is a funeral.
In Beverly Hills, you can murder anyone, really...no one cares.
Zing!
"Ughhh, it buuuuurnsssss...." - Me, watching this movie.
Survey SAYS...
I can honestly say that this is the absolute worst movie that I have ever seen in my entire life. This movie makes Ghost of Mars seem like a cinematic masterpiece. It took every last bit of willpower that I had not to shut it off. I felt my brain numbing as my braincells began to commit suicide.
You're probably thinking I hated the movie just because Paris Hilton was in it. No, no. Not at all. She wasn't even the worst part about this movie. Not even close. The story, the camera work, the dialogue...all of it was just unbearably bad. If people actually act like this in real life, then I definitely fear for the future of humanity. I've never seen such a ridiculous thing in all my life. There is not one redeeming thing about this movie. I'm actually, awestruck, a loss for words. I didn't think that anything this terrible truly existed. I can't even express, there's no words with a harsh enough meaning to describe this movie. A chimp chained to a typewriter could come up with a better story. I have to ask...where did they find these people to act (and I use that term loosely) in this movie? Did they pay homeless teenagers in alcohol? The only thing I could even crack a smile at was that it was such a student film. It even had side swipe fade out like I have on my camcorder.
Let me pick apart the story for you here. So, Duff and one other guy kill a police officer. When Steve gets back they tell him that everyone from the 5th grade up knows what they did. No one cares that a police officer was killed? No parent reports their gun missing? No kid tells the police anything? No one is even asking? Okay, so say they get away with it (even though everyone knows they did it), they have one gun and they jumped and tied up one junior police officer and killed him. How is it that one year later they're these drug overlords and everyone loves and fears them? Okay, so say they killed a police officer with one gun and then somehow managed to kill those drug dealers and are now drug overlords. How is the police not investigating? They are gunning people down in broad daylight in the middle of the day AND NO ONE EVEN REPORTS THEM OR NOTICES?! Excuse me while I'm having a hard time suspending my disbelief here. All these kids are f'ing morons that kill people in broad daylight. They even killed a hooker in their car and one of their friends in their house. Somehow I don't think they know how to clean up bodies. I know that LA is full of crooked cops or whatever, but there's no way some stupid teenagers can MURDER people and no one even glances their way. At the beginning Steve says he didn't want to meet up with his old crew, but he goes to the one place that they always went. WTF?!
The best part about this movie was when the credits rolled. The minute it faded to black and I saw names scrolling I thought I was going to die of happiness. You have to wonder how many yokels picked up The Hillz and thought it was One Night in Paris, better known as Paris Hilton's sex tape. Seriously, she's in the movie for about 5 minutes and the camera work and acting in her sex tape is a lot better. Please, I'm begging you...do not rent or buy or anything with this movie. Do not give the creators of this garbage any money. Just go to amazon.com and look at the reviews of people who actually liked this movie. Then you'll know man, then you'll know. The Hillz will now receive the honorary title of...
WORST MOVIE EVER
That Wasn't so Bad Was It?
I was left Feeling: Like this is what an eternity in Hell must feel like.
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