Some of these are for ADULTS ONLY, so go away if you are too young, or offended.
Love
"Every pot has a lid" - Fran
Attractive woman
"If she sh!t a monkey, I would take it home and raise it" - Anonymous
"I would drink her bath water" - Anonymous
In an effort to impress women "I licked my eyebrows, but they weren't interested" - A BRE employee (name withheld to protect my ass)
Farwig phrases
These phrases have been passed down from my Grandma, who spoke Low German. Granted, these are mostly slang, and don't translate very well, or at all. Here is a cool German Slang site
"Gook-a-ma" - "Look at that" or "Look over there"
"Scheiße in die hosen" -You have pooped in you pants, or it smell like poop. Literality, it means "Sh!t into your trousers"
"Auch-de-liebe" - "Oh, my gosh"
"Hans Tanz die hund der Schwanz" - Hans dances the dog penis. It rhymes, so I remembered it...Don't ask me, I have no clue where or what this means.
Other
"If it has t!ts or wheels, you'll have trouble with it." - Back of a redneck's pickup truck, seen in College Station, TX
"Tomorrow they won't be worth killing" - Comment made to two co-workers who were drinking heavily on a work night.
"She could eat rattlesnakes and sh!t alligators" - anonymous
Jokes
The hot air balloon joke:
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He
reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He
descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon
hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You
are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between
59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me
is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make
of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or
where you are going. You have risen to where you are
due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise,
which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is
you are in exactly the same position you were in before
we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Time=Money Joke
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer and scientist knows,
Work
_____ = Power
Time
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:
Work
______ = Knowledge
Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Work
_________ = Money
Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity
Regardless of the Work done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.